Tomorrow is the start of 2011. Craziness. It doesn't seem like that long ago I was figuring out how old I would be in the year 2000, let alone this year I'll turn 26. My brother Nathanael called me this evening asking me if I could come get him so he could spend the night up at our house. So, I went down to Massillon to pick him up, it's about 20-25 minutes south of my house. As soon as I picked him up, he told me he had kissed a girl for the first time in his life tonight. He confessed to his girlfriend that he has insecurity issues because the last girl he liked he felt like she never thought he was good enough for her. I told him that he needed to stop right there. I'm 8 years older than he is, and I have never been good enough for any guy, so I didn't want to hear it from him. :-) Don't worry, I know it's not that I'm not good enough, it's just not been right yet.
Nathanael and I talked about that too. Right and wrong. We're both very responsible people. Everyone around us trusts us to always do the right thing. We don't make poor life decisions. He was telling me, that he half way wants to make one, just so that he could learn from it. I told him that the problem with that philosophy is that chances are the damage that will be done to him by making a poor life decision will not be limited to just him. Poor life decisions don't usually just effect the individual, but those around them as well.
I do feel his pain though. When you see everyone else around you getting to make poor life decisions it makes you wish you could have that freedom also. I know I can't because I am responsible for how my actions effect those around me. I never want to knowingly allow myself to damage or potentially damage another human being.
Those are the thoughts of this evening. I wish you well in the year that is on hand. BE.
Friday, December 31, 2010
poetry
When I was young, poetry was my least favorite form of writing. When your world is made up of black and white, you don't understand colors. You cannot grasp them. Now that my world is no longer black and white, the vivid colors of poetry make me happy. I think this is because poetry must come from the soul and the soul speaks more deeply and colorfully than the mind.
There has been alot of heartache in my family during the past 48 hours. My sister found someone she really liked, and then scared him away with her defensive sarcastic humor. Her ex-boyfriend has had trouble letting her go, and she had to have a face-to-face talk with him. She hated to crush his hopes, but they aren't right for eachother at this point in their lives.
My brother Nathanael was supposed to go out with his new girlfriend to celebrate their one month anniversary. (It's his first girlfriend.) After she was supposed to have called him, he called their work to see if she was still there. She wasn't. He took the dog for a walk, and walked passed her house. She wasn't home. I told him just to wait and see what her explanation was before writing her off. Things happen and misunderstandings are part of building relationships. I don't know if he believed me or not. My younger brothers and sister who have been in relationships think I don't know what I'm talking about. I've just never met a guy who wanted me, and knew actually who I was. There have been two or three that thought they'd like to date me, but that's only because they couldn't see who I really was. The three or four that I've been interested in probably thought the same thing as I.
It is beyond time for my day to commence. Mornings spent in bed reading and writing make me happy.
"One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the world
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart" -Weezer
There has been alot of heartache in my family during the past 48 hours. My sister found someone she really liked, and then scared him away with her defensive sarcastic humor. Her ex-boyfriend has had trouble letting her go, and she had to have a face-to-face talk with him. She hated to crush his hopes, but they aren't right for eachother at this point in their lives.
My brother Nathanael was supposed to go out with his new girlfriend to celebrate their one month anniversary. (It's his first girlfriend.) After she was supposed to have called him, he called their work to see if she was still there. She wasn't. He took the dog for a walk, and walked passed her house. She wasn't home. I told him just to wait and see what her explanation was before writing her off. Things happen and misunderstandings are part of building relationships. I don't know if he believed me or not. My younger brothers and sister who have been in relationships think I don't know what I'm talking about. I've just never met a guy who wanted me, and knew actually who I was. There have been two or three that thought they'd like to date me, but that's only because they couldn't see who I really was. The three or four that I've been interested in probably thought the same thing as I.
It is beyond time for my day to commence. Mornings spent in bed reading and writing make me happy.
"One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the world
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart" -Weezer
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Exhaustion and randomness
The weather is changing, I can feel it in my knees. Ever since my surgery last winter, my knees haven't gone back to 100%, and since fall I've been able to tell when the weather was going to change. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, I loved the weather part of science and would jokingly tell my family that I was a better weatherman than anybody else. :-) Now with my knees, it's actually more true than it ever was before!
Tomorrow is my older brother's 27th birthday. I took the kids shopping tonight, and I got him the best joke present ever. When he turned 6 or 7, all he wanted for his birthday was a dump truck. So my parents got this big yellow tonka dump truck, and hid it. My dad created this elaborate scavenger hunt, and Ryan finally found it in the fireplace. Hilariously enough, it turned out when Ryan had told my parents a "dump truck" he had really said "jump rope" and they misheard him. So, this evening as we walked the aisles, I came to the toy section and there were the yellow tonka trucks! I bought him one. It'll be awesome. :-)
I am so tired, more just exhausted than tired though. Emotionally, physically- just drained. I think I ate something bad last night, because all night my stomach was threatening to erupt, and all day today I just felt like crap. I did eat tonight, so we'll see if that steadies it all out.
With the exception of Nathanael, all the kids are up to spend the night at out house. I love them. They're so ridiculous. Susannah made the cookies from the dough that's been sitting in the refrigerator for the last couple days that I just hadn't found the time to make. Now the house smells wonderfully of gingerbread.
The time for sleep has arrived. Goodnight.
Tomorrow is my older brother's 27th birthday. I took the kids shopping tonight, and I got him the best joke present ever. When he turned 6 or 7, all he wanted for his birthday was a dump truck. So my parents got this big yellow tonka dump truck, and hid it. My dad created this elaborate scavenger hunt, and Ryan finally found it in the fireplace. Hilariously enough, it turned out when Ryan had told my parents a "dump truck" he had really said "jump rope" and they misheard him. So, this evening as we walked the aisles, I came to the toy section and there were the yellow tonka trucks! I bought him one. It'll be awesome. :-)
I am so tired, more just exhausted than tired though. Emotionally, physically- just drained. I think I ate something bad last night, because all night my stomach was threatening to erupt, and all day today I just felt like crap. I did eat tonight, so we'll see if that steadies it all out.
With the exception of Nathanael, all the kids are up to spend the night at out house. I love them. They're so ridiculous. Susannah made the cookies from the dough that's been sitting in the refrigerator for the last couple days that I just hadn't found the time to make. Now the house smells wonderfully of gingerbread.
The time for sleep has arrived. Goodnight.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Insights
I am a fragile person, deep down inside. The part of me that the majority of you see is only the outside. That part of me is steady, solid, responsible, controlled. I can take care of any problem. I do not fear.
But, then sometimes you see that shell break and you see down. Very rarely I volunteer the information, but when I do, it's because I'm trusting you.
Deep down, I care about people so very easily. If you are hurting, I want to make everything better for you. I will do anything I can to solve your problems and make you happy once again.
Deep connections are sacred to me. I have probably as many friends as I can count on 1 hand that I can talk to about anything, without having to be careful of stepping on toes. Those people I can talk to about my insecurities. My doubts. My faith, or sometimes lack thereof. I can also talk to those people about the awesome sunrise, random cloud formation, or just the way the light fell on the lake. And they don't think I'm insane. (Or maybe they do?! ha)
My life has changed so much this past year that, I think I'm more fragile than I ever was before.
This year, I started attending a church called LoveCanton. I joined their community and have put effort into building relationships. I have shared myself with some of them, and let some of them see into the cracks of my armor.
The community we were serving in called out for something for kids to do after school so they don't get into trouble, so I created a kids club/afterschool program.
My dad left with the intention of committing suicide the end of September, and it was a traumatic couple of days until it ended up be happily resolved.
I crushed on a guy more than I have ever done in the past, he in turn fell for another girl. Which is good, but achy.
I turned 25. Which is so old, when you still feel as old as you did when you were 18.
I learned so much.
God has been teaching me to just BE. Let Him flow through me. Let Him give me the words to say instead of freaking out because I don't know the answers.
My outlook on life has broadened. My grace has multiplied.
But, I see my deep selfishness in so many things. I see laziness. There is so much growing left to do.
I guess these are growing pains.
Always,
Rebekkah
But, then sometimes you see that shell break and you see down. Very rarely I volunteer the information, but when I do, it's because I'm trusting you.
Deep down, I care about people so very easily. If you are hurting, I want to make everything better for you. I will do anything I can to solve your problems and make you happy once again.
Deep connections are sacred to me. I have probably as many friends as I can count on 1 hand that I can talk to about anything, without having to be careful of stepping on toes. Those people I can talk to about my insecurities. My doubts. My faith, or sometimes lack thereof. I can also talk to those people about the awesome sunrise, random cloud formation, or just the way the light fell on the lake. And they don't think I'm insane. (Or maybe they do?! ha)
My life has changed so much this past year that, I think I'm more fragile than I ever was before.
This year, I started attending a church called LoveCanton. I joined their community and have put effort into building relationships. I have shared myself with some of them, and let some of them see into the cracks of my armor.
The community we were serving in called out for something for kids to do after school so they don't get into trouble, so I created a kids club/afterschool program.
My dad left with the intention of committing suicide the end of September, and it was a traumatic couple of days until it ended up be happily resolved.
I crushed on a guy more than I have ever done in the past, he in turn fell for another girl. Which is good, but achy.
I turned 25. Which is so old, when you still feel as old as you did when you were 18.
I learned so much.
God has been teaching me to just BE. Let Him flow through me. Let Him give me the words to say instead of freaking out because I don't know the answers.
My outlook on life has broadened. My grace has multiplied.
But, I see my deep selfishness in so many things. I see laziness. There is so much growing left to do.
I guess these are growing pains.
Always,
Rebekkah
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Once again, let us start fresh.
I seem to go through fazes of blogging. I think it's time to start again. I've had several friends mention to me lately that it seems like I should start again.
Life has been interesting lately for me. My mom has been sick this whole month of December due to a huge kidney stone that was causing blockage and infection. This pretty much throws my whole family for a loop because the mother is never sick. She's the one who takes care of everyone else. She eats freakishly healthy. (The other day I offered her a chocolate cheese brownie (otherwise referred to as Heaven #2 or Hell. haha) and she refused!) But yeah, she had surgery today to have a stint put in to let the fluid the kidney stone is blocking out, and then in about a week they're going to explode the stone into smaller fragments. Soon she should be better again. Which is good. While our family's world revolves around my dad, the thing that makes the world go 'round is my mom. I'm so glad she's okay. We've been able to have some good conversations since she's been there in bed. It's kinda sad really, but she's been able to slow down. She is wonder mother, she has 9 freakin' kids!!! That 5 of which are still being homeschooled! Hah.
I've been doing some thinking lately, realizing how much I miss reading the encyclopedias. Dude, I'm serious, when I was young, I'd read encyclopedias cover to cover. I miss it. I miss knowing things. I'm not one of those people that retains everything I've ever learned. I wish I was. But, it feels like the school learning side of my brain is atrophying from unuse. I don't like not remembering things I used to know. I hate it how sometimes I misspell words now on accident and not even realize I spelled it wrong. I used to be a phenomenal speller. I need to start learning something new. I think maybe now is the time to focus on herbs. I know I've been talking about it for years now. But, it's like for some reason, I feel like it's something I'll need to know at some point. I will need to know how to heal with herbs. God gave us so many useful plants that no one knows how to use anymore, let alone find. I want to learn it all. So, is this doable? I think so. It's just a matter of doing it. You can only put things off so much before you finally have to decide whether or not you actually intend to do it.
I was at a restaurant today and two guys walked past me with company shirts on that said something about Holistic Medicine and I kinda just wanted to talk to them. But I didn't. I was actually talking to my mom about this kind of recently, and she mentioned that she'd heard of this guy I know who does prayer healing. So, we started talking about the realities of that. Having never experienced something like that, I'd like to write it off, but I can't. People have an energy, a life force if you will, who is to say that some people somehow have the power to share their life force with another person. Who knows. I know people who have experienced it. It boggles the mind. But, I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that I don't have to understand everything. God is bigger than I can understand, and I need to stop limiting Him to what I think He should be like.
I'm deciding whether or not I'm going to go see The Fighter tonight or not. Part of me really wants to, but the other part wants me to close up the laptop and go to sleep. It's been an exhausting last couple of days.
I am so thankful for the people in my life that have been supporting me through all the trials of these last several months. There have been a strangely lot of them.
Keep stretching and growing.
Always,
Rebekkah
Life has been interesting lately for me. My mom has been sick this whole month of December due to a huge kidney stone that was causing blockage and infection. This pretty much throws my whole family for a loop because the mother is never sick. She's the one who takes care of everyone else. She eats freakishly healthy. (The other day I offered her a chocolate cheese brownie (otherwise referred to as Heaven #2 or Hell. haha) and she refused!) But yeah, she had surgery today to have a stint put in to let the fluid the kidney stone is blocking out, and then in about a week they're going to explode the stone into smaller fragments. Soon she should be better again. Which is good. While our family's world revolves around my dad, the thing that makes the world go 'round is my mom. I'm so glad she's okay. We've been able to have some good conversations since she's been there in bed. It's kinda sad really, but she's been able to slow down. She is wonder mother, she has 9 freakin' kids!!! That 5 of which are still being homeschooled! Hah.
I've been doing some thinking lately, realizing how much I miss reading the encyclopedias. Dude, I'm serious, when I was young, I'd read encyclopedias cover to cover. I miss it. I miss knowing things. I'm not one of those people that retains everything I've ever learned. I wish I was. But, it feels like the school learning side of my brain is atrophying from unuse. I don't like not remembering things I used to know. I hate it how sometimes I misspell words now on accident and not even realize I spelled it wrong. I used to be a phenomenal speller. I need to start learning something new. I think maybe now is the time to focus on herbs. I know I've been talking about it for years now. But, it's like for some reason, I feel like it's something I'll need to know at some point. I will need to know how to heal with herbs. God gave us so many useful plants that no one knows how to use anymore, let alone find. I want to learn it all. So, is this doable? I think so. It's just a matter of doing it. You can only put things off so much before you finally have to decide whether or not you actually intend to do it.
I was at a restaurant today and two guys walked past me with company shirts on that said something about Holistic Medicine and I kinda just wanted to talk to them. But I didn't. I was actually talking to my mom about this kind of recently, and she mentioned that she'd heard of this guy I know who does prayer healing. So, we started talking about the realities of that. Having never experienced something like that, I'd like to write it off, but I can't. People have an energy, a life force if you will, who is to say that some people somehow have the power to share their life force with another person. Who knows. I know people who have experienced it. It boggles the mind. But, I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that I don't have to understand everything. God is bigger than I can understand, and I need to stop limiting Him to what I think He should be like.
I'm deciding whether or not I'm going to go see The Fighter tonight or not. Part of me really wants to, but the other part wants me to close up the laptop and go to sleep. It's been an exhausting last couple of days.
I am so thankful for the people in my life that have been supporting me through all the trials of these last several months. There have been a strangely lot of them.
Keep stretching and growing.
Always,
Rebekkah
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