Relationships and discovering yourself

 My sister says to me today, "you don't sound sparkly about him, unlike with Heath." 

It's true. It's different. 

And, I think she's right. Which is unfortunate. There's nothing wrong with him, except, I don't know that we're compatible on the level I need us to be. 

But, the question is, what was this connection that I had with Heath, and why is everyone else lacking it? We weren't best friends at the start. It developed gradually. But, we laughed about things together, and talked about real things, and then he started calling me all the time, and it just morphed into the wonderful closeness that I've never had with anyone else. 

I want that closeness. I don't necessarily want Heath, because I don't know that I could trust him to continue to want me. But, I want what we had, but I don't know how to recreate it, or even if it's possible. 

I'm just so sad, and exhausted on every level. I want to sleep for days. 

I find that I'm a reciprocal human- what you put in to the relationship, I give back 10fold. So that's why it freaked me out this guy going all in straight off the bat, because I wasn't prepared to invest that much. So I've played it safe, and now find myself wanting out- because why am I even trying to do this?

I have a plan. Finish my book (that I can't concentrate on these days) and then move to asheville, and then start my bnb and coaching jobs. 5 year plan, well, 4 year plan. 

sigh.

and now for something completely different

 Arthur. 

Arthur is new, but Arthur already seems to love me. Which is weird and unnerving. But not in like a crazy stalker will you marry me on the first date kind of way, which I have seen before.  In a I want to know everything about you because I didn't know there was someone out there like you sort of way. 

But, with his history, I'm afraid that he falls rather quickly. He brought me flowers on the second date, and I admit, we did fall into bed. He's just so sweet to me, and that is so unusual. I don't have to pursue him, I can just reciprocate to the degree I feel comfortable with. There is no pressure. I have to say, the sex was pretty incredible, especially for the first time. 4 times during the course of the afternoon and evening we go to know eachother's bodies and all night we lay tangled up, spooning or being spooned. I have never slept so well with someone else in the bed with me. Never felt so cared for. 

So, whatever ends up happening there- I have no regrets. He filled a void that was lacking in my life.