what does it all mean?

So as this year comes to a close, I have the day off of work, so it's a day of reflection for me. I've been dreaming a lot lately of people. I send them messages to tell them that they are thought of. Love should be shared.

I mentioned last time I wrote that there was a guy that likes me. I don't know how I feel about him. I like him sure, I like that he likes me. But, is there more? I don't know. Am I just going along with it because I've been alone for so long? Or am I second guessing myself because I don't know how this is supposed to work?
Is it just because we're still practically strangers that think that other is attractive and their personality and interests mesh with their own?
It's so complicated that it makes me want to give up. But then I think about it, and I know that that is stupid. I want to know how this will develop, I do. It's just the time that it takes to get there is slow going. I have 5 months to decide. Then he leaves.
He's a first mate on a yacht - they got here the beginning of the month and were here 6 months. He's on  a trip to the Bahamas right now for a few days. So another few days for me to think about things. He told me Sunday night that he had lied to me about his age. He's 5 years younger than me. It's a lot. It scares me. Granted, he acts older than his age, but still. If he'd told me straight off the bat how old he was for real, I would have never given him a chance. But now... I have never given any guy a chance before who tried to like me. I always knew straight off we weren't a match. This one, the only problem I have with him is that he's young. And that we still hardly know eachother. Friends is so simple, you mesh without other anxieties in the way. This is so much more complicated.
I do like him.  But is this how it's supposed to be?  Time will tell.


This next year I want to love more easily, I want over think things less, I want to learn new things, I want to try more activities, I want to laugh more. And see my family more because I miss them.

things change and stay the same

So today as I was walking to work I was noticing my shadow. It's always dark when I go to work, so it's just the street lights behind me.  Usually where I walk I get two shadows from the different lights. This morning though, I walked about three feet further to the left and had 3 shadows. I laughed. Then I was thinking more about the joy in my life. I've been telling people to focus on the little things that make them happy and it will create a happy life full of little joyful moments.  I thought about posting something to facebook about my 3 shadows, and the delight it caused. It's so childlike. I don't know anyone that appreciates their shadows anymore. Am I regressing to a childlike state? I don't think so, but maybe. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. Probably not.  I'm pretty sure Jesus says something about being like a little child. The wonder, the joy, the complete faith, the love. There is no complications- it just is.
I don't say much about God anymore, just because it doesn't feel necessary anymore. The talking about it, I mean. I don't think on those terms anymore. God is. All around and through me. He uses me, He directs my path into random coincidences all the time. I have learned to accept that God just is. I cannot be far away from him, I don't have to talk to him, because that is merely for my benefit. He knows my thoughts before I finish thinking them- because he is beyond time. I have learned that everyone needs to experience God in their own ways. What could be infinitely important to someone else, is pointless to me. And that's okay. Do what you've got to do. Everyone is wired differently. 
The thing that has been the most useful to me, is to know that it's nothing I do. It's just BEing in the moment. Fully aware of what is going on around me- that God IS. "I AM" is the best thing He called himself.  It is mindblowing.

Anyway.
So I met a guy who seems to really like me. Crazy. But awesome. So we'll see if this goes anywhere. He's been out of town for a week but gets back tomorrow. I so can't wait!!!!!!

On relationships

It's nice to be wanted. To be looked at with that look in their eyes.
The problem for me is that the ones that look at me like that either shouldn't be looking at me like that, or they have no idea who I am and only want me for one reason.  Neither one is satisfying. It's nice in the moment and then you're like 'shit'. The reality is there. For me it only takes a minute to be aware of what is going on. It has yet to really happen when I also felt the same way, so I'm always having to laugh it off and be careful not to lead them down a road I don't want them on.
Occasionally I'll try Match or eharmony or something like that, because I feel like I need to see what's out there still single. Am I the only one? Why are the good ones all taken? But, actually it's not even that. I wonder sometimes if the songs are all a lie. Does anyone actually love someone that much, or is it just obsession that fades? I mean, my parents still love eachother after 32 years, don't get me wrong- I've seen it in action. But I also know society has bred an entirely different mindset in the people of this generation.

I am fine being single. It's okay. It just makes me wonder why. People ask me all the time why I am. As if there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is, I don't know.
I love easily. I want you to be the best you can be. But I am not going to settle just because I'm lonely. I don't just want a night. I want you to text me because you care. I want a flower just because you know I'll put it in my hair and wear it all day. I want you to go watch the sunrise with me in a tree. I want you to challenge me to love more, to relax control on life, to care more, to clean more, to talk more... to be better.  I will do the same for you.

Maybe he doesn't exist. I don't know. I just know it's been 29 years of solid alone time while those around me are finding their person getting married, having babies. I get to the point where a guy I like is about to ask me out and then he meets his person. It's happened more than a few times. It's great, I'm happy for them, but damn.

I'm done whining. I'm going to go watch the moon rise over the ocean, alone, because I can. :)