Oxymoronic

How can you be fine yet not at the same time.
I miss him desperately today.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's  about to be that time of the month.  Wherein emotions run stronger,  and feelings are dangerous.  Today on the way home from my 14 hour work day,  the lady at the gate told me she thought she smelled something weird coming from my car.  That would be just about right,  if it died just as I need it to leave.  She kept saying as I drove away "get your boyfriend to check it out!  Seriously get your boyfriend to smell it! " I just smiled and drove away.
I caught a whiff of something as I was parking,  but didn't smell it once I got out of the car.  And I don't have someone to check it out.
I got a new phone last week because my contract was finally up and everyone complained about not being able to hear me.  Some of my pictures got transferred,  most did not.  One that did is a picture of his smiling face,  the first one he ever sent me. .. And whenever I open the photo gallery,  it's right there.  Maybe I should delete it.  It makes me miss him,  or it makes me smile,  or it makes me sad, or it makes me happy . How does one photograph have all that?!
I don't feel broken anymore,  I don't even feel empty.  Life is good.  I just miss him. Oh well.

conversations of trust

The following was written while on the beach yesterday. I knew there was some angst that needed let out.

I am doing pretty great. Things are good. I leave in 11 days. I'm so excited to see people.
And I'm terrified. But I am trusting.

-----

There were so many reasons that Micah was a bad idea. I knew this when he first started crushing on me. I complained to my mother about his crush, explaining to her the reasons why we were not a good match. But then God said "trust me."
So, I acquiesced, and fell in love for keeps. I opened myself up completely, let myself be fully known. But then suddenly it all fell apart, and "trust" was no longer feasible.
"Why should I trust you, God? I fell in love, to what end?! In a blink of an eye it was over and done."
"Ah, but I didn't say what you were trusting me on. You assumed the end result."
 "But if you aren't clear- how can I trust? I don't know what you're getting me into!"
"And therein lies your lack of trust. You don't get to know. It's not trust if you know. So, we're going to exercise it some more. You're going to Europe."
"Oh, that sounds awesome. I'm good with that!
...How am I going to live when I get there? What will I eat? Where will I sleep? Will my backpack make it there?"
"Guess what?.... TRUST ME!"
"Holy shit, God! You can't be serious! I can't just go to a foreign country with nothing. No plans. No way to fend for myself!"
"Yes, yes you can, and you're going to have to let go and trust me."
"Dude. You're out of your mind."
"You're allowed to think so, but it will make it harder for you to trust me."
"Phooey. I can trust you. How many times have I done it before?!"
"Everytime. I am proud of you. So, why are you fighting me this time?"
"Because you said to love Micah, even though I knew it was a bad idea. And see how that turned out?!"
"Okay... how did that turn out? Is that story over? Are either of you dead?"
"No..."
"Okay, so once again you are assuming. Was it, or was it not the best experience of your life?"
"It totally was."
"Do you more fully comprehend Me, Love, and TRUST?"
"Yes, I do."
"Okay then. I am not in the wrong. You need to trust me. It might not turn out like you imagine but it will be the best thing ever."
"Into your hands I commend my spirit."

deep breaths

I did laundry today, and sorted my clothes. I made a pile of the clothes that I'm bringing on this roadtrip, and put away clothes that I won't need until next year. I also saved out the maybe's for the Britain trip. Currently it's too big of a pile, but once it gets closer to the date, I'll know more about what the weather will be like.
I'm so scared.
I'm scared  I don't have enough money saved. What will I eat, where will I sleep? How is this going to work? These things are not planned, I'm flying on a wing and a prayer. I simply don't know.  I start to imagine different scenarios, but then I feel my anxiety level skyrocketing.  "Into your hands I commend my spirit." I right my mind with those words. Deep breaths. I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing, how it will work out, but it will. Trust and believe, that is where the magic happens.

well that was interesting

Today is Patrick's birthday, you remember the story of Patrick, he's the boss' son at the Dunes, and has a severe crush on me when he's drunk. Not when he's sober, though. Well, maybe he does, but he doesn't show it unless he's drunk. Anyway. Last year he told me that he hates his birthdays, so I made it special for him, and he told me that it was his best birthday that he's ever had. This year, none of us were working, so I told him that if he wanted to hang out if he wasn't do anything, to call me. Well, he texted me today to tell me that he was going bowling with some friends and to come. So I went. They were a bit worse for the wear at that point, but it was fun. His friends were pretty hilarious.  But then as time wore on they kept drinking, and things started to not be fun anymore. They were getting unsteady, and speech was getting slurred. They asked me to drive them to another bar, to which I refused. They wanted me to stay and hang out, but that wasn't a good plan either. So I bailed on them.
Get out while the getting is good, basically.  It was getting uncomfortable. 4 guys drunkenly hitting on you can only be amusing for so long. But they were basically acting like it was a competition for my attention. haaaa
Exhausting.
Patrick told me that I was the sexiest woman he knows. Sigh. 2 more weeks and I'm out of here again. Can't wait.

hmmm

This is one of those moments where I feel like writing, but I'm not sure what to say. I usually write so that I can process and put my feelings into words instead of letting them stew around in my brain in a jumbled mess that I can't define.
But right now, right now, I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what to say.
I'm really good. I'm in a good state of mind. I'm happy, I've been enjoying the sun. Work has been fine. I have 18 more days until I leave, not that I'm counting or anything... :)
I'm excited about the my trip to Europe. I'm excited to have adventures. I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing, but we'll see how it goes!
I got bored of messing with the travel buddy. Too many lies, but I didn't feel like calling him out. Too much energy for no purpose.
I think he used another phone number to send a dirty pic. I got one from an unknown number, so I can only assume. I don't know anyone who would do that, otherwise. Crazy.

Even though we were supposed to be taking a month off from talking, I did talk to Micah today. I just wished him a happy 4-20, since I know it's important to him.  But then with his response came the idea that all was not okay in his world, so I asked. And it wasn't. So we talked a bit about it. But he didn't really want to talk about it, he's just in a black frame of mind. There's nothing that I can say that will help him get out of it, unless he wants to get out of it, so I'm letting him be. He knows I'm there for him if he wants it.
And I'm okay. Totally didn't mess with my head at all. Do I feel that overwhelming rush of love? Yes. Can't deny that. I do. But it's not mine- it's like a force of nature, something that simply is. So long as I don't try to control it and make it mine, it seems to be okay.

So, I like never read the Bible, right? Well, for some reason, I thought of Lamentations today after the talk with Micah. More specifically the lack of hope. Well, I hadn't probably read it in, I don't know, 15 years? But when I was a child, the first verse my parents had me memorize was Lamentations 3:24. "The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him."  The beginning part of the chapter is talking about how there is no hope, his happiness is gone. He is in the blackest of the black. But then this. It's pretty crazy.  Anyway. It's interesting the little pieces of ones childhood that just appear out of nowhere sometimes. I mean, I was like 4 when I learned that verse. Here it is, 26 almost 27 years later.

Anyway. that's enough random thoughts.

Investigations

Okay, so this is a funny, crazy, and possibly a little dangerous.
So, I'm on this website helpx.net basically hosts are looking for people to come help them on their farms around the world in exchange for room and board. Well, one of the things they offer is "companions" if you're looking for travel buddies. Well, some guy wrote to me off of there. And he sounds super sketchy. However, I'm playing along. I don't know why, I don't believe anything he's said to me. Not even his name. His picture is not of his face. His phone number is owned by someone in Georgia, even though it's a Pennsylvania number. The name associated with the number is a 60 year old man named Ehab Kamel. This person's name is supposed to be "Joseph M". He is supposed to be a corporate attorney who travels a lot for business, and is just looking to meet up with people while he's out and about. 
Could he yet be legit? Sure. However, I have no reason to believe him at this point. I google searched his profile picture and didn't come up with anything, which was a bummer.
He is talking already of meeting me here in the states first. He knows nothing about me, so no worries there. But still. I'm playing along at this point, because I don't understand what he's after.  Supposedly he went to Drexel University, and then northwestern law school. His mom is supposedly Italian and his dad is Indian. Supposedly he was born in London and moved to the states when he was 10.  He is supposedly 37.


I dreamt last night of a serial killer, but instead of killing me, kept killing everyone around me because I was hiding so well. These people would try to help me and would be shot through the head in front of me. Because he knew where I was, just couldn't get to me.  Finally at the end of the dream, I simply gave up and made a run for it, I couldn't bear for people to keep dying, and woke up before anything happened to me.


I don't even know. I may be enjoying myself a little too much with this. I love finding out who people really are.

steady as she goes

I have regained my equilibrium.
Am I still vacant? Yes, but not in a hurt sense. So, remember how my heart is like a beach bungalow? Well, I've adjusted to living alone again.
Do I miss him? I still think about him every day, so that answers that question. It's not the same as before with the ache and feeling of loss.
The other day God "told" me, that Micah had not learned self sufficiency yet, that was why it was important for him not to need me in his life. That he wouldn't learn to depend on himself/God with me there. When someone has to learn how to love themselves, the path of life is much different that the path of the ones like me who already do, perhaps too much.
But, I mean, there are moments that I still just ache, I'm not going to lie. I do get over it quickly.
I just work, and now I'm planning my adventures... I think I have about everything I'm going to need for my trip. Just have to work on international money, and international cellphone usage. I leave in 3 weeks for my 83 hour roadtrip around the states... it's going to be sketchy at best in my car, but we're going to wing it. I can't wait for Florida beaches. I want to swim! :)
There are so many friends to visit along the way. It's going to be awesome.

and the tide rolls on

I'm still vacant.
Today marks 5 days since I've received a text message from anyone. I don't have to make sure my phone is charged. I don't have to make sure I have it on me. I can leave it in the other room for hours, or out in the car, and it makes no difference.
I don't mind.
There are people that I should probably call, ones that don't make the first move, but they'll want to know about Micah- and I don't want to talk about it. It's hard to explain that someone loves you but doesn't at the same time. It's hard to explain that we decided that it would be best if we didn't talk for awhile. It's hard to explain how much you love someone, but cannot be in love with them. Everyone tells me to move on and find someone on my travels. Someone who can love me better. Someone who is healthy. Someone who wants and needs me and loves me. But I still can't even think about it. Realistically my head says yes, it's time to find someone else to distract- to prove that this was not the only love of your life. But my heart still cries no. He was the best. He has it in him, he just has to choose to love. Love himself, love people, acknowledge that God made us to be in relationship, and not alone- not necessarily in the love sense, but in general.
But maybe he won't ever learn that lesson. And where does that leave me? Heartbroken for the rest of my life?
Negative. I'm not playing that game.
That is why I can't talk to him for awhile. I need to not need him in my life, because him not needing me was keeping me heartbroken.
That's why I left in the first place.
God keeps saying trust me. The rules keep changing, but trust anyway. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be trusting.
That everything will work out the way that it's supposed to. That this is my story. The story of how I met him, how I fell in love, how I left, how much I learned- that is my story. He was just a character. The story of me is not one he'll ever tell. But, he's a story I will tell everyone, because it changed me. It developed me.

Time will make it all dissipate. I hope.  I love Ricky to this day, but there is not the ache in my throat. I love Ayyoub to this day, but I would avoid seeing him again. 
One day I will be able to say I love Micah- and I don't feel empty anymore.
When we talked on the phone he didn't say I love you. But it was obvious in his tone, in the things he said- that he cares. I never needed the words, I needed the actions. But he's had to close off- he can't act, it's too much. And I understand. And you know why I understand? Because of him. I've closed off to my friends and family- I can't talk. I need them to make the first move toward communication, because I can't.  So I understand.  But sacrifice is required- and we keep hurting eachother because we're too close to it right now. So this month of adjusting back to not being in eachothers lives I think will be important. It will either seal the deal of not wanting or needing to be in the others life, or it will be something else entirely. I can't even guess at an alternative.

over reaction

I tend to over react to things.
I'm definitely done as far as remaining in love goes. That's over. It's as though my heart and soul have shut off.
The over reaction comes in to play because he still has a Spanish cd I accidently left in a book, as well as the books. He's never going to read them, so I was inclined to just tell him to leave my stuff that he has, along with the pictures and stuff I left for him and I dispose of them for him, if he hadn't made himself do it yet. I'd pick them up from his dad's house as I passed through on my way to Colorado from Florida in May.
I had already planned on that route since it's supposed to be around his birthday. It'd been the plan since I left that I would surprise him from his birthday, since when we first started talking it had been the initial plan to spend his birthday with him.  But now that's off the table.
But, the thing is, that it is an over reaction. He'll throw them out when he's ready, if he hasn't already.  The books are a bummer, because I like them. But, oh well.

Now it's just the daily grind of work.
One day I'll learn how to love in the moments, instead of in a forever kind of way. But until then, I've turned my heart off.