and the tide rolls on

I'm still vacant.
Today marks 5 days since I've received a text message from anyone. I don't have to make sure my phone is charged. I don't have to make sure I have it on me. I can leave it in the other room for hours, or out in the car, and it makes no difference.
I don't mind.
There are people that I should probably call, ones that don't make the first move, but they'll want to know about Micah- and I don't want to talk about it. It's hard to explain that someone loves you but doesn't at the same time. It's hard to explain that we decided that it would be best if we didn't talk for awhile. It's hard to explain how much you love someone, but cannot be in love with them. Everyone tells me to move on and find someone on my travels. Someone who can love me better. Someone who is healthy. Someone who wants and needs me and loves me. But I still can't even think about it. Realistically my head says yes, it's time to find someone else to distract- to prove that this was not the only love of your life. But my heart still cries no. He was the best. He has it in him, he just has to choose to love. Love himself, love people, acknowledge that God made us to be in relationship, and not alone- not necessarily in the love sense, but in general.
But maybe he won't ever learn that lesson. And where does that leave me? Heartbroken for the rest of my life?
Negative. I'm not playing that game.
That is why I can't talk to him for awhile. I need to not need him in my life, because him not needing me was keeping me heartbroken.
That's why I left in the first place.
God keeps saying trust me. The rules keep changing, but trust anyway. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be trusting.
That everything will work out the way that it's supposed to. That this is my story. The story of how I met him, how I fell in love, how I left, how much I learned- that is my story. He was just a character. The story of me is not one he'll ever tell. But, he's a story I will tell everyone, because it changed me. It developed me.

Time will make it all dissipate. I hope.  I love Ricky to this day, but there is not the ache in my throat. I love Ayyoub to this day, but I would avoid seeing him again. 
One day I will be able to say I love Micah- and I don't feel empty anymore.
When we talked on the phone he didn't say I love you. But it was obvious in his tone, in the things he said- that he cares. I never needed the words, I needed the actions. But he's had to close off- he can't act, it's too much. And I understand. And you know why I understand? Because of him. I've closed off to my friends and family- I can't talk. I need them to make the first move toward communication, because I can't.  So I understand.  But sacrifice is required- and we keep hurting eachother because we're too close to it right now. So this month of adjusting back to not being in eachothers lives I think will be important. It will either seal the deal of not wanting or needing to be in the others life, or it will be something else entirely. I can't even guess at an alternative.