the next week

 So a week into this, sigh. I just don't know. It's been dull to say the least. I haven't figured out an exercise regimen that will keep me from getting fat. There are no gyms here. I could bike, but the roads are a little narrow and windy, I'm not sure that it's safe enough. Besides it's 100% all uphill on the way back. So, that's not ideal. I sit for a good part of the day, which is so unusual for me, because it's frustratingly slow. But hopefully with memorial day next week, things will pick up. I'll be interested to see what the 30 ppl wedding party is like next sunday. 

The people who have stayed have be interesting overall. So that's been nice. It kind of solidifies the idea that I would love having my own place. But, yeah. The hours of nothing have been killer. Then I go home eat dinner, watch a show and go to sleep, rinse and repeat. Good thing, the sitting can be outdoors which is good. Sun and warmth help my happiness. 

The boy is mia this week. Sigh. He's not even reading my texts. I hate that. I hate that he feels like I'm a distraction sometimes. But, just letting it go. I can't make this work out. He has to go all in. 

I just don't even know. 

well

 This has been unexpected to say the least. 

I am having all sorts of feels about it.  Some days I hate it and I'm so miserable and lonely. Other days, I talk to incredible people and love it. 

I still haven't managed to write. I mean, I have like 2 paragraphs done since I got here. That doesn't really cover a re-write of a novel very well.  I think I'm getting better into a place were I can write mentally. I'm almost there today, I just still feel off. 

I feel like I need to decide who I'm going to be, what life I want to lead. What is this path I choose to walk? 

They told me on Sunday that they only intended this position to be seasonal. I would have never moved across the country for a seasonal job, but here I am. So now what? Make the best of this of course. But, do I try to put down roots or do I just exist until it's time to leave? 

Also, Heath. He's been really good lately, but I still have trouble trusting it. He says that I'm not his bestfriend, I'm more than that.  He says that he's obsessed with me. Which, it does seem like he is, sometimes.  But, I really still think that there are others, that for all the words, he still hasn't chosen me.  Be that as it may, I still want to be near him. I don't want to live a life that he won't join me in.  And that right there is my problem.  Our lives are not currently compatible. Either one of us would have to change to make it work.  I could work remotely, so that I could travel with him. Alternatively, he could accept a job teaching and build community. Which I think will be what he decides in the future, but that's probably 10 years from now.  I just don't know. Somehow it's just really hard to see our paths merging, and yet... it's what I've wanted for 4 years now.  Sigh. 

It's been 2 weeks since I've had a hug, and I can tell.