It is time

Life has been such a roller coaster. I spoke of the highs, weeks later, just last week actually, it went down. It was every day for a period of 5 days things just going from bad to worse. People would say, tomorrow is a new day, and all I could think by the end was, what shit is going to happen tomorrow?
It was so bizarre because I really felt outside myself. Because part of me was thinking about being cheerful, and choosing not to let it all get to me, but the part that won out didn't have the hope and strength required. It's crazy how much hope is important. When you have no hope, life is no longer anything meaningful.
I'm settling into a routine living by myself. I'm gone so much I feel sorry for my dog, but that's what working two jobs does. I'm really looking forward to summer on the farm. I'm really not sure where I'll find the time, but I'll make it work somehow. There is a farm conference up in Michigan the end of next month that I'm really looking forward to. The year round production greenhouse class, and the seed saving class I'm so excited about. My dad doesn't want me to go, because there is a guy up there that I'd be going with (in a group setting), but he's not interested in me like that. (of course). so my dad thinks it's a waste of time. ha. if life was just about getting married, or finding someone, I guess I'd see his point, but since it's not, I'm going. I want to learn.
I've come to the decision not to try anymore when it comes to guys/relationships. I can't. It brings me to that place of no hope. I'd rather not be there. It's not a good place. There is no one in my life, and so be it. There is no reason why if I've made it this long, I can't continue, right? I came to the realization of one of the reasons why guys are always "eh, not so much" when it comes to me. I'm not a mystery. I'm straightforward. If I like you, you know it. I will not play games. And, I expect the same from you. So, there you have it. Oh well.

I was prophesied over a couple weeks ago. That was peculiar. Interested to see what comes of it.

Watched a movie today with the family, first word was "Jesus" so we informed my mom that it was a suitable Christmas movie... haha. and every other time there was a "Jesus" or a Jesuschrist" we'd laugh. Good times in my family. :)

Can't sleep... and destiny.

I should be sleeping, I have to be up for work in a couple hours. I was going to try and get a decent amount of sleep in beforehand, because somehow I'm working a double on a day that I open. (I have to be there by 5am..) Gross gross gross.
Problem is, I watched a movie before trying to sleep. I don't watch much tv/movies now that I live by myself. This is purposefully, just because I'd like to get the most out of my time, and not thinking- seems to waste time, except for those times I need to not think. Today, well, today was just one of those days I didn't know what to do. Going somewhere was out of the question. I am not one of those people that enjoy crowds, and so stores are a nightmare on Black Friday. I got a movie out at Family Video, titled "Only You" Robert Downey Jr. is in it.. anyway. I related to it far too much to be comfortable. In this movie, this girl asks a Ouija board when she's like 11 what the name of her soul mate is, later the name is confirmed by this gypsy fortune teller. She doesn't meet this guy and ends up engaged to someone else, until she gets a call from a guy with this name giving his regrets for not being able to make the wedding.  She ends up chasing him to Italy, yadda yadda yadda. All kinds of coincidences later, she marries this guy she meets there whose name is not that name, but this was the destiny. So, yeah, complete and utter chick flick, but it left me in a turmoil.

I have had such peace these last several days that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I am on the right path. I am just really really calm. It's really unnerving, actually. Leaving me wondering, what bad thing will happen? What will disrupt this calm? When am I going to go down the slide of emotions again? I was riding high there for a while, and now that things have resumed normal status, I'm just waiting to go back down. Very bizarre. 
I've given so much thought lately to destiny, fate, being who you're supposed to be. The ONE. ;) Well, here's the deal, I've been waiting for him my entire life. I don't want to make a mistake and settle for someone who doesn't complete me, and vice versa. The girl in the movie falls for this guy who understands her, their souls align, but he doesn't have the right name. Dude. That to me is the most important thing. Souls connecting.

There are two guys in my life right now that I have a question mark over. But, in reality, there is just one. The one who has been my best friend for a long time, is not really a question mark, it will never happen. There's just too much there, I just couldn't. The other, I just have no idea if he likes me or not. Sometimes I think so, but I don't know. And he lives further away....  but we seem to appreciate the same things. Bah. Life is hard.

 And of course because God loves coincidences in my life... JUST AS I FINISHED WRITING THAT, Enya comes on singing this:
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time

Who knows? Only time


No words. Goodnight.

The things I'm thankful for:

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I figure a post is in order- sharing with you some of the things I'm thankful for.

#1 The overwhelming sense of peace with God that I've had lately. Seeing all the ways He's been directing my path, the nonstop coincidences. The quality conversations with people. The random people he's brought into my life, and brought back into my life. I am strangely at ease with life.

#2 My family. People say this alot, I realize, but it doesn't make it any less so. I have alot of family and I am thankful for each one of them. My life would be lacking without any one of them.

#3 The people I hold dear. Erin, Ricky, Maggie, Desiree, Erin, David, Brent & Ashley, Mandy & Joe, Aaron, Matt, Derek and Brent. These are the people I feel like I can talk to about anything and everything. They may not always understand the twisted workings of my brainwaves, but they care. They inspire me to be more than I am. They challenge me. They love me, well, some more than others. ;)

I am thankful for how much I've grown spiritually, mentally, as a person this past year. I was reading over my blog from when I started it back up back in the day, just realizing how much I've changed, matured.

I am thankful for LIFE.

Coincidences

My life is full of coincidences. Sometimes they just hit me though. The ways God directs my paths, or at least ordains, orders, however you want to look at it... is just awe inspiring sometimes. It's the little things.
The most recent one was this. This past spring we hung out with the Psalters, and I friend requested a couple of them, there was one, Scott Krueger, who I almost requested then didn't. The other day, however, I changed my mind. He added me shortly after, so I was looking at his profile, and just a short way down his wall, someone had tagged him in a note. I clicked on it, and I read what this girl had written, totally identifying with her angst in regards to church. She'd recently moved back to Ohio after having spent 5 years in Philly with that whole gang there. So I wrote to her, just offering up the option of the church that I go to and friendship. She accepted. Dude. If I hadn't've friend requested Scott, or if I had done it earlier, I never would've seen that post. It's the little things. I'm convinced it's a God thing.

I've also been realizing how obviously it was a God thing that I've gotten where I've gotten with this business stuff too. I was on Facebook, shortly after declaring my intention of helping my dad with this. I happened to see a post for something on Red Letter Christians, I'd never been to that site before, so I went to look, happened to read this post on Humility by Noah Echols. I loved it and found him on twitter to tell him so. I went to his website, and found out he was in relatively the same line of work, and that he subscribed to Olivier Blanchard. That was just the beginning. I've found out since then that there are so many people that think they know stuff about social media marketing, but actually don't. I lucked out that my first person I found, not only is totally legit, but extremely intelligent and an invaluble resource in learning what I need to know.  Just another coincidence.

Just seeing the little ways in which the Spirit is evident, is just so cool.

Met some other really cool people last week. The Simons. They own their own organic farm, beef, dairy, chickens, pigs, and the garden stuff. Very very cool people. Looking forward to getting to know them better. All these people right here, it's amazing. It's hard to believe I've lived here 6 years now, and it's only within the last year and a half that I've adopted community, and am getting to know people in the area. So many people in this area are not the highly intelligent people that I desire to surround myself with, but I'm slowly finding them. I want to be inspired to be more, do more. Be all I can be. It's too easy to be lazy and not achieve what I could.

That's it for now.

The Continuation

Life has been interesting lately. No more marriage proposals, but interesting nonetheless.

I kind of had a breakdown last week. It was one of those times when everything just piles up and hits you in one fell swoop. Living alone has the disadvantage for me of feeling like no one needs me. I realize there are people who appreciate me, but actually need me in their lives? None, with the exception of my dad, but that's because he's fragile. I miss my sister Erikah, since I don't live with her, I hardly ever see her, and she never calls. I talk to her when I call her, and she always has plenty to tell me, but unless I call, I don't talk to her. We have completely different circles of friends, and much as I try to bring her into my circle, she doesn't want to. I am not invited to her circle because me and her friends have a different standard of morals, and I think she doesn't want me to think less of her (which I wouldn't) for having the friends she does.
I was concerned for a friend one night and texted another friend of mine to call me when she woke up the next day. I upset her because it woke her up at midnight. She didn't realize that the only reason I texted was because I was literally in tears not knowing how to help this mutual friend. So I felt like I was needing her too much, and she needed me to take a step back. So I did.
I was realizing how much I need other people in my life. I get to a dark place if I don't have people to talk to.
Then the question came, Why? Why do I need people? Why do I need to be needed? I still don't have the answer for this.
Maybe during this time of the ultimate aloneness God is trying to teach me that I do not have to be taking care of people.
This really applies because I've also been noticing how very very broken EVERYONE is. Including myself, obviously. I mean, I'm pretty well put together, but I can still see how my need for people is a bad thing. My want to fix everyone, just cannot be realized. That my inability to make what most people consider poor life decisions makes me come across as straightlaced, and too good.  I have a pride that is overwhelming sometimes. I cave to procrastination sometimes. Resistance beats me more often than I'd like to admit.

The moral of this story is I want to fix you, but I can't. No one can. It's like or bones are broken and while they can be mended, we're still messed up. Sometimes the bones heal crooked, sometimes it just never heals.
The christianese answer "but Jesus can fix you." Untrue. While there is help there, it's not the magic cure.
The only hope I've seen comes from Eccesiasties 4:9-12 "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.  Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

Together. Community is the core.
We're all broken in different ways and can fill in for eachothers deficiencies. The blind man and the deaf man, the blind cannot see, so the deaf leads, and the blind man has an increased sense of hearing due to his blindness, therefore can help the deaf man.



Work is going well. I'm really enjoying being a business person. I'm way more steady on my feet than I was initially. This will be a good thing.

New Post

I realize it's about time I update this. So much going on, it's hard to know where to start.

I went to my first business meeting two weeks ago. It was so intimidating. It was something like a chamber of commerce meeting, but there are all these small business owners that get together and have lunch and promote themselves. Having never been to anything like that before, and the fact that the business I'm helping my dad with hasn't even had it's first customer yet, it was really hard to do this. The business is my dad's brain child, so he would've been a better spoke person, but apparently I didn't do so awful bad. My mom was there also, since she is technically the business owner. I half expected to let her do the speaking, but she was extremely nervous, so I took it.

I was asked to write a weeks worth of study guide on the last half of James chapter 4. God has been stretching me so much lately, definitely outside my comfort zone. I started in verse 10 and ran the theme of humility all the way down to the end of the chapter. I came up with this weird metaphor with the one James used using vapor to describe us.

Think of a vapor floating in the wind upwards, but for some reason, that vapor gets the idea that if it continues going up it will dissipate even further, so it must go back down some, or at least sideways. The air keeps prodding it upwards but it fights as though it thinks it knows best.  It gets caught in a down draft, and the thunderstorm dissipates it faster than if it had continued up towards the Sun. If it had continued up, it would have filled the spot it could’ve had in the ozone layer. As it was, it dissipated lower and it will take its broken leftover molecules that much longer to reach the top.

I don't know that the science makes sense, but I tried. :-) It kinda just came to me.

I got another marriage proposal. Haha. Gosh, the weird ones come out of the woodwork for me, I don't know what the deal is. I was kind of mean in my letter in response. I take that back, not in response the first time. First time I just said I didn't think we were actually a match because theologically I am no longer anywhere near him. So good luck on the wife search. Then he wrote back to ask how I felt about the age of the earth, God's sovereignty, predestination and the "church". Then I was mean.  I said, "See, that's just the thing. Things like the age of the earth, God's sovereignty, Predestination, and "church"... I don't care. Who cares about how old the earth is? Does it make a difference in my walk with God, and if it does, WHY?! God's Sovereignty, what does that even mean?! God is God, God is in all and through all things. He IS. Predestination- whatever. God being beyond time, of course he knows all things before they happen. It's like the chicken and the egg question. And the "church"? the church is the body and the body is every christian out there. so what about the church? It's people.

By not normal, I don't mean I have different arrangement of theological boxes that I fit into. I mean, I try to not have boxes, at all.


I have no desire to debate/argue about any of this, I'm just letting you know where I stand."

Too mean? It's honest at least. More than a little sarcastic. Oh well.


There is more to share, but it will have to wait for another time. I have work to do.

I noticed something the other day

I was just looking at the titles of my blog posts and noticing of late how many use the word "insane" or "crazy". Hmmmm. What does this say about me? Is the straightjacket imminent?

I have survived another year, and have attained my 26th year of existence. What does this year hold in store for me?  I feel like it has the potential to be pivotal if I allow it. I feel like every day there are choices to be made that either set me closer to becoming who I wish to become, or slide me back if I take the easy route.

I was talking to my friend Katie the other day about sin. She was saying that she has difficulty always choosing what's right. I guess she went to a party the other day she was uncomfortable at, and knew she shouldn't be there because of things that were going on. But she didn't leave.  She sees me as this person who doesn't make poor life decisions, who doesn't do any major sins.. I had to explain to her that no sin is greater than another. Just because I'm wired in a way that forces me to not drink/smoke/mess about, doesn't mean anything. Because I'm so keen on being true to myself and to other people, it's the little things that get me. The things that "normal" people think would be lesser sins for me they're huge because I'm wired in such a way that I want to do what's right.  (Not that I'm saying that there is greater or lesser sins, they're all equal. But societal acceptance of some is greater than others.)
Just interesting.

I'm going to bed. My body decided to get sick yesterday, so I about died. Did absolutely nothing, and then got up for work at 4 this morning. Now that I've been awake for 19 hours or so, I think I should possibly go to bed so I'm not sick tomorrow. But I am feeling better. Bah, weather change.

Yes, I may be insane.

So, you know how I told you I was taking that class on Revelation by John Geib? Well, he was talking about our spiritual bodies that we will supposedly have, and how Jesus after he was resurrected he could walk through walls, so he told us how in quantum physics the truth is, everyone and thing is vibrating on the same level, but if we were able to control what level we vibrated at, we would be able to walk through "solid" matter. That sparked a whole line of thought in me. There are all the stories of mutants, of alphas, of heroes, people that can do what normal humans can't. There is this thought that during the Millenium reign there will be normal humans and the spiritual beings alive together, until the time the rest of the humans die, and everyone is in their spiritual state. Dude. I could make a whole religion out of this. Mutants will rule the earth! hahahaha
See how sacreligious I can be?! Gosh. It's scary.

Just to go another step further, I've been thinking alot about reincarnation lately. I doubt if you remember the story of the cult guy I met like 2 years ago. Suffice to say I went out to his organic farm (not knowing he was pretty culty) and there he informed me I'd been reincarnated and this was actually my 15th time back on the planet. I laughed. I still laugh. But, Elijah was John the Baptist? His spirit in him? Really? Interesting.  There are stories of a kid who vividly remembers being in WWII, and being shot down even though he'd never seen or read anything on it. Knowing details that were unknowable by anyone else. That's weird, and interesting.

See, I told you I was insane. I think about things too much for my own good.

And now for something completely different

I am learning alot about God and what it means to me to be a Christian lately. Learning not to limit. Learning and affirming BEing.
Coincidences in my life, what can I say?!

I went to John Geib's Revelation class tonight. He has been affectionately termed (to his face) my favorite cult leader. Seriously. In this area he has such a passionate following. I tend to run from the church leaders people ooh and ahh over, just because I'm that rebellious. I don't always agree with the things he says, but he has valid points, and he stretches my mind.


I don't have the words tonight to put it all out there. I'll give more detail later. Suffice to say I'm growing. I keep running into people on the internet that stretch me further, and affirm things I've been thinking. Amazing coincedences.

This is just insane.

I know by this point it seems that I'm terribly fixated on my lack of romantic life. But here's the deal. I've been halfway crushing on this guy who has been my best friend for the past year and a half. He understands my off-the-beaten path approach to God and Christianity. He's helped me grow enormously. When I met him he was single. Then he wrote to me to tell me he'd met someone in Pittsburgh. Which was sad, but alright, he was a poor life decision for me anyway. Time went on, we remained close, talking about the important things in life. He never mentioned this girl again. I found out through mutual friends that they'd broken up and that he was starting to hang out with another girl. I figured just for my peace of mind I'd tell him how things stood with me. After an agonizing 10 days, he finally responded via text. Telling me that the news was not a surprise of course, there had always been that spark between us. However, he wouldn't date me because he knew that he would be a bad choice for me. Which is valid, but I just believe in him and his potential. It's right there if he'd just accept it.  Ever since that day, while we remained friends I felt him drifting further and further away. Found out yesterday, that he married that girl he just started dating not even 3 months ago, more like 2.  Found out on facebook because he didn't have the nerve to tell me. Part of me died a little inside.  Not for any other reason than, gosh.  I was not enough. Or I was more than enough. This is the first time a guy has ever liked me in return, to that extent.  He knew my soul. I don't often share my soul.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself at this point. Sad for me. Sad that I feel like a freak, 26 years old in a couple days and have never had a boyfriend.  Sad that I can't go and do something stupid, because I'm am not that way. I would never purposefully harm the emotional health of anyone else let alone myself.
This is why being alone is bad for me. It leaves me to my thoughts. When I am around people, I am the strong one usually, the one that keeps everything together. I take care of you.     ...... and no one takes care of me.

"Crazy Girl"

That country song by the Eli Young band has been playing in my head alot lately.  I sometimes wish dreadfully that someone would have those feelings for me. But, most the time I can ignore it. I just get the old guys and the mentally defunct ones interested in me. I wonder why.

Alright, enough of that.

I've been dreaming stories lately. I think it's because I've been writing more. Obviously not writing on here more, work related writing.  I wake up in the morning knowing I should write these story lines down, but I haven't yet. I did it once when I was younger, and it's remained a vivid dream to this day.

I live alone in an apartment on top of a garage. Boys from church live in the house in front of me. I thought when I moved in that I would see them more. But I don't. They're all introverts. Which is odd. They're living in a house whose mission statement is to be Jesus to the community.

I've been thinking alot about what my mission statement is for my life. When you head out to "save souls" you're automatically elevating yourself above the ones you're saving. So what's the point?
Could it be just as simple as letting your love flow, being humble, being patient? Could it be that simple? How do you do that and share Jesus at the same time, but then don't you get on your high horse? Unless maybe it's done like introducing them to a friend. "So, I know this guy, he died and rose again. He is infinity and beyond. He was here on earth a couple hundred years ago and embodied all that we are to be as children of God. He's so awesome. Want to meet him?"
Gosh. I don't know.

A friend of mine who is a teacher asked for prayer that he would not get lost in accomplishing the tasks he needed to do with the children, but rather would focus on just BEing with the child.

Haunted

Today is bad. I'm being legitimately haunted by death and train songs. Some of them are both together. And I found out someone else died.
This is just ridiculous. I just want to curl up in a ball. Living alone is very alone. Dammit.


And I just realized this won't make any sense to you, because I didn't tell you previously. Remember how I told you that my bearded man died? It gets worse and so ironic. He killed himself, by stepping in front of an Amtrak train.

I met him on an Amtrak train.


Parts of my life just belong in the movies.

Just found out the cause of death, and therefore... emotional.

I do insane things...

Well, I am officially moved in to the apartment. There have been a couple of interesting adventures to date. The first day went smoothly, got everything unpacked and put away. I even folded all my socks. The next morning I left for work at 7:45, at 8:30 I get a phone call from the boys who live in the house in front of me. "Um, Rebekkah, your dog is out."
'How on earth did he get out?! I locked the door, I live on the second story... there's no way, unless he jumped out a window.'
I told my manager at work that I would be back in 20 minutes and rushed back home. The door was still locked, so I went over to the boys' house to retrieve the dog and find out what happened. Appearently the boys had gone outside and saw him, so they brought him back to their house and put him in the basement. As I took him back to the apartment, I noticed that the fan was no longer in the window overlooking the paved driveway. Apparently he knocked the fan out of the unscreened window and went through. A two story fall onto concrete. Granted he's a freaking huge German Shepherd, but, really?! 
I headed back to work after shutting all the windows.
I left work around 3. I stopped for gas at the local BP. There was a guy sitting in the grass under the trees. Dressed like a hippy, hat, bread, flannel shirt. We smiled at eachother briefly and I left. As I was leaving I had this feeling like I was was supposed to talk to him. I didn't know why. He was obviously a hitch hiker, and that's dangerous, but at the same time, there was just this instant knowledge that I was supposed to talk to him. I prayed it about it and decided that if he was still there when I came back up to go to the grocery store, I would talk to him.  I changed out of my work uniform and put my dog in the back seat and headed back up. He was still there, so I went to the grocery store, and when I came out, he was still there. So I stopped.
We talked, he told me he was headed down to Atlanta and he was waiting on this trucker who said that he was going to leave tomorrow for down there. He played the banjo in an Appalachian band, that had just recently broke up. He had spent the last while in Maine at a blueberry farm, so we talked organic farming for a while. I ended up inviting him to go to church with me, it was a potluck gettogether, so.. he informed me he wasn't religious, but sure, he'd go. So, I brought him with me. We made fresh salsa with the tomatoes and peppers from the farm and headed into the house.  We ended spending the whole evening together. I showed him the farm, he played the banjo for me... talked random stuff and spiritual stuff and just stuff. I would've let him sleep on the couch, but I realized that 1. It was not smart, I hardly knew him, 2. my family/friends would FREAK out. So, I brought him back up to the travel plaza.  I gave him my number, told him to call if he got stuck here again on Monday, and we'd hang out. He called last night and told me he made it down to West Virginia.
It was fun. Crazy thing to do, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. And no, I'm not going to make it a habit to pick up cute random hitchhiking young men. :-)

A New Beginning

Today is the day, today is the day I move out. Today is the day I will begin to live on my own. I pick up the keys in approximately 40 minutes. My car is loaded up with the first batch. I decided just to do kitchen stuff tomorrow or Sunday. Probably tomorrow. All my clothes, furniture and et cetera's are going down today. Dustin and Erin are my heroes. They offered to load up the furniture on their trailer and haul it down for me. They have been so AMAZING in my life.  It's interesting to reflect on who catalyst people are in your life. People who stretch you and make you become better, bigger, wiser.

Hoorah, let's do this thing. :)

Well...

You remember how I told you about the guy I met on the train, the bearded man from San Deigo? Well, we emailed just a couple of times, but he added me on facebook, so I'd read his posts and stuff. Well, the other day I was thinking I hadn't heard from him in awhile so I went to look on his facebook page, and his brother had posted memorial service information for him. Very sad. Shook me up a bit. And, by a bit, I mean alot. What was the point?! He could've just been a face on the train I would've forgotten about. Now he's a darn good but oh so tragic story in my life.

Moving into the apartment the first of September. Scared shitless. But, appearently God wants me to do this. I keep trying to come up with reasons why not to do this, but, I guess since this last problem He solved, I pretty much have to just say Okay.

Turn of events

I sit here in front of the coffee shop, eating a sand,wich, watching people, listening to passing conversations, and blogging. I'm a good multi-tasker. :-)
My life lately has been one of upheaval. I haven't been living at home. I went on vacation the first day of August, and have slept in my bed once since then. I returned to stay at a friends' house to take care of the place/ huge garden while they're in Montana for 3 weeks. It's been good. Experiencing what living alone will be like. It's awfully quiet and rather boring. But, it's way more conducive to study. The lack of internet is a good thing too, I think. Forcing me not to waste time idling about. There is always stuff to harvest/clean/process, sweeping (which happens when you bring your huge hairy German Shepherd with you), and of course reading and sleeping. :-) Most the time I am working though. I'm trying to learn more about SEO marketing so that I can better help my dad with his business. I hope it can go somewhere soon, because I need this second job. I will not be able to afford living on my own without it. This is imminent. I'm not sure how I feel about it at this point. Kindof excited, it will be a lifestyle change. But at the same time... leadership of the church is changing, not sure of the direction now. How do I know I'll want to stay involved for the year they want me to sign the lease for? How do I know I won't be moving to the OBX next year? Maybe I will.

No more thoughts. Running on 4 hours of sleep, must change this.
It's a beautiful day. I hope you have enjoyed it.

I've been working alot lately. Between real work at Cracker Barrel, watching some videos in preparation for helping my dad with the video marketing that he wants to do... and the farm, I have so little time. It's rediculous. I feel like I need a calandar to time slot people into so I know how much time I can devote to any one person or project. I have yet to work on our yard... This new house that we've moved into has such a great yard, with a rock water fall into a pond and other cool plants. I just need to get out and clean it up. It's crazy how much it looks like a jungle right now.
The farm is going great currently. We're fixing to have way more food than we can handle, which is going to be bad. I picked hundreds of cucumbers and zucchini's yesterday... there were zucchini's that were as long as my forearm and twice at least as wide. :-) They're huge!!!

There have been no more grandiose schemes. Just living life day to day. I feel like I'm in limbo just waiting for that ONE thing to happen. I think I must make it happen...

Nothing

I haven't figured anything out.

It's been a stressful weekend. An evil person called corporate on me because I was attacking him when I told him that our sugar ham was indeed sugar ham and not country ham like he thought. He was offended when I told him that both hams had a bone in it. However since he is a chef, and therefore knows infinitely more than I, he informed me that sugar ham doesn't have a bone in it, ever. I think he thinks that if you glaze a ham with sugar it magically dissolves the bone. The amazing properties of sugar. :)
I was nice to him... but because I didn't agree with him, I was attacking him. I am a mean and vengeful person, of course. :) To make matters just that much more interesting 1, he used to manage a cracker barrel before he was fired. 2, his daughter who currently works with us was sitting right there with him as he yelled at me. It was quite possibly the worst experience I have ever had. With the possible exception of the threat of being killed by an employee followed with me having to get her fired.

Today was fine up until I found out that my brother Josiah fought with our dad again and it ended very badly. Then I caught him making food for himself without paying for it. And found out that he'd been the one drinking the chocolate milk in the cooler a couple months ago. We would find empty cartons in there but I had no idea who it was... then to find out it was my own brother. He's the king of poor life decisions. He does what he does because he wants to. So supremely selfish that he doesn't consider the consequences for his actions. And if he does get in trouble, he doesn't tend to blame himself. He's aware of his deficiencies, but chooses not to straighten up. What he wants out weighs all else.

It kills me. I just want to curl up in a ball.
Nate at work was the one that told me the final straw about Josiah and the chocolate milk, and then wondered why I was walking around with the look that someone had just shot me in the heart.  That is seriously what it feels like.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him choose to do what is right. Nothing. If anything continues, I will get him fired. I have to. Dire consequences have to happen. If he doesn't start straightening up his act, he's going to wind up in prison.
But he's my brother... and I feel responsible for him. I just don't know what else to do.

Part of me just wants to run away. I just want to not have to be responsible for anyone ever. I just want to be selfish. Why do I always have to take care of everyone else? Why can't anyone ever take care of me?

I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing...

What happens when you have a dream? A dream that motivates and inspires. A dream that seems to come from God because of several different confirmations.
I've hit that point where I have to say "What in the world am I thinking? There's no possible way this can work out, it's way too complicated."
I decided to go to college, only 8 years after I graduated highschool. Problems: they want a highschool transcript, which I never made back in the day. Or a GED result, which I never took. Solutions, either wing the transcript, or take the GED.
Other problems with this idea: When am I going to have the time to go to school?! When I'm not working, I'm working on the farm, working on housework, or spending quality time with family and friends. Since I'm planning on moving out, I'll be shelling out that much more cash a month which means I'll need a second job, which also means less time. What the hell am I thinking? How is this going to work?
I have no idea. I feel like I'm in an unmanned airplane with no flying skills.
I start to question, does God actually want me to follow this life path, or is it all in my head?  Would I be just as content with my life if I did nothing and left life the way it is, or followed a less globally aware path? I feel like I'd be shirking in my duty to become all that I was made to become.

I just don't know.

One Love, One Heart -Bob Marley

Strangely lonely.

Keenly upset about something I shouldn't be, and have no control over.

Wishing things were different, but knowing it's best they're not.

If only the heart and mind were on the same page......



There is so much change in my life. So much indecision. So many choices. So much desire to run, and the desire to stay. Which path is most beneficial to me and others?

I'm going down to the Outer Banks of NC this coming Monday... I can't wait. It will help me make the decision on whether or not to move there. And hopefully, the peace of the ocean will will clear the thoughts and help me see clearly the cause and effect of each path.

Yes, I get trapped in my own head sometimes. I sometimes worry that I think about things too much. Over-analyze.

I just created this crazy awesome mix CD of Adele, Bob Marley, Keb' Mo', and Paul Simon.... because I'm just that awesome. ;-) It's happy music, just makes you want to sway.

I brought my dog out to the farm today and introduced him to the chickens. He was more interested in them than I would've liked. However, I think more association with them would help that. They're free-range, so they're all over the place there. He doesn't usually chase wild things, and he was really good because I was holding him, but I think he would've like to have smelled them... and they were not comfortable with that. haha.

The end..

End of an Age

Next week will be the last kids club. (For those of you who are unaware, I run an after-school kids program downtown.) I don’t know how I feel about the end of it. With the exception of one week, I’ve had these kids every Wednesday since September. There are two of them that I don’t think I will ever be able to reach. They’re too old and set in their ways. But they all love me, and I love them. So, part of me is sad that I’m ending this. I just know, as you also know, that I am at a major crossroads, and I feel like the time to stop is now.


The last 2 weeks, other people were there with me. Both of those times, these people were talking about salvation (something I never do) and one of my boys mentioned both these weeks that he was afraid of dying. The response he got to this was lame. These were the two weeks I either had no voice or would start coughing after a few words, so I said nothing to him about it. Today I wanted to ask them what they feared most, but there were other issues going on. Besides, it would be a question better left for a one on one conversation. I was fairly withdrawn myself due to the introspective writing this morning. The time for that conversation was for some reason, not appropriate for today. I don’t know how I will leave them. I want them to know as they get older, even if I don’t do another kids club next year, I will be there for them, if they need me. How do I do that?



Today was an amazing day, by the way. I got up and went downtown to the local coffee shop. I sat outside as the warm wind blew and the sun shone brightly. I sat there and wrote the previous entry, drinking my strawberry smoothie- until the wind blew in the clouds and kept gusting my papers away. It was beautiful. Late in the afternoon with the kids, I took them to the park and sat on the swings while the wind blew. I tell you this: there is not much that makes me happier than the feeling of the wind blowing my hair and swinging. :-) Leaning back on the swings, and letting my hair touch the ground… awesome. :-) That was my day, aren’t you jealous?

Resistance and other thoughts

My thoughts on things.


The first of my thoughts for the day came randomly to me at work as I was observing human behavior, as usual. Something about me- I love realizing what it is that makes people act the way they do. But, anyway, I was realizing the effect criticism has on people. The insight was odd. It was as though I saw the long term effect of the words I wanted to say, but did not. I saw the negativity implanted in the brain of the one I said the words to. I saw them eat away at his unconscious mind, until they’d consumed it. And, eventually instead of seeing her words as cute and endearing, because I had made him think negatively about her- instead she was being obnoxious or retarded. It was almost like an out of body experience. Not that I’ve ever had one before, but the feeling was so strange. I knew what was going to happen.

It actually ties back to a theme I’ve been considering on and off for years. Our words have power. We have the ability to help or hinder people in becoming who they’re supposed to be. We tend to not consider the effect our words have on people.

So I just finished reading this book called “The War of Art”, (not to be confused with the famous “The Art of War”), this book is by Steven Pressfield and in the simplest of terms it can be described as a book whose focus is helping you realize what is preventing you from becoming who you are supposed to be. We all seem to have 2 lives, one is the life we live, and the other is our unlived life, the life we were created to live, but have welshed on because of fear or lack of power against the thing he terms in the book as “Resistance”. Resistance is the enemy within. Almost a tangible energy field, whose aim is to distract and prevent us from doing the work we’re supposed to do.

I can't really share more because I love his words and would hate to paraphrase them. Besides the things that really stuck out to me and apply to my life won't necessarily be the same as the things that would apply to yours and would make you read the book.
Read  it. The chapter on Resistance vs Fundamentalism is my favorite. :-)
 
I've realized lately that I've been growing more and more cynical towards all things traditional christian. A distinct lack of patience. If anyone mentions making disciples, I cringe. If anyone talks about "The Word" as the only way to know the Father. If they say that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and the is no other way... I cringe.
I can't limit God to our perceived version of what christianity is. Why can't God be bigger? Why can't God attribute righteousness to himself no matter what name it is in?  I mean even if you go back to the old testament with Abraham, there was no such thing as Jesus at that point, but still he found favor with God according to the story.
 
If you ask me what this road is I'm headed down, the answer is obscured. I haven't the slightest idea. Am I going off the deep end? Probably. Is this the road I want to go down? Yes and no. Yes, because my soul won't settle for less. No, because I fear the road will be a lonely one, one that not too many can relate to.
 
I kind of feel like I'm becoming more and more awake to the realities of life. I will not feel guilty about things in the past, because they are what made me today. The only thing I can change is the future. The decisions I make now must harm no one. I will choose to do what is right. I will not fear. I will love.  I will BE. Be in the moment, be aware, be ALIVE.
 
That's all for now.

Question Mark

When I see Life, usually it's dressed as a question mark and trying to haunt me. It thinks I'm scared of question marks, and it might be right.
There are no certainties in my life. Whenever I think there are, they don't end up staying certain. While this can be freeing, it's also paralyzing.
Someone said last night that God knows what he created us to be, our potential. When we don't fulfill said potential, we are in effect saying that His plan wasn't right. We can't or we just won't.  I think that's complete BS. You can't look at things as failing. When you intentionally do something wrong, have guilt, that's good. But when you don't intentionally do something wrong, and you find out later that it wasn't the best move to have made. Don't feel guilty!!! The choices we make = the path we're on. Those choices and the circumstances of our life are what define us. No two people have the same path. You can't be "right" because you hit that speed bump before I did and learned from it. Maybe I won't ever hit that speed bump. There are so many factors that play into where a speed bump will fall on our life path. They're just learning methods.
Maybe my path has more trees overshadowing it, and yours has more flowering meadows. But, maybe my trees are what I need in my life and you need the wide open spaces.
Every so often we encounter another human on a path, sometimes it crosses over ours, so for a brief moment we're on equal footing. It's at that point when you decide whether or not your paths have the ability of merging- at least to the extent of walking parallel with eachother.  Our best friends their paths run parallel for a time, but sometimes they have to climb a mountain or walk in the sand while we have to cross a river.

Don't feel guilty about the path heretofor. It has made you who you are today. It's the next choice you make that you have control over, do with it whatever seems right.


I have been sick for a solid week now. I'm tired of it. It's a progressive sickness, so it just goes from one symptom to the next to the next. I've had laryngitis pretty bad the last 3 days now. Today it seems to be better. I'm actually excessively thrilled with homeopathic remedies this time around. I started off with my usual base of echinacea and goldenseal to boost my immune system, but whatever virus had stuck me, it was too late for those to do much good. I took ibuprofen for my headache, fever and all around pain. So that was the one traditional drug I took. I developed a sore throat with pain all the way up to my ears, so I started taking poke weed. This cleared it up within 2 days. I thought everything was on its way out when the laryngitis struck, I started taking causticum to see what that would do for it. This was yesterday, today my voice is much better and I'm thinking tomorrow it will be fine. I did enjoy testing out stuff I'd never even heard of before and them working. I do want to take classes on this. It's hard to learn on my own.

We are moving houses soon. My brother is in the process of buying a house about 15 min north of us. I don't really know how it will work. it's just a bizarre house, it has a great outdoors, but the interior... I just don't know. Good thing- not my house. ha. I'm not sure how long I'll live with my brother. It's cheaper, for sure, but- it's not a realistic area to live for what I'm doing and where. So, we'll see.

I must find some food- I'm off.

So much has occurred

It's hard to know where to start.

Cracker Barrel offered me management. I pseudo accepted. There are still things that need to be taken care of before it actually happens. And, to be entirely honest, I'm not 100% in my decision.  Once you do the math, I wouldn't actually be making much more, and would be working a whole lot more, with significantly less flexibility. So I don't know that it's the wisest decision I could make.

But, speaking of wise decisions, I actually have made one other one lacking in wisdom lately. I told a boy about a dream I had. He decided it was a sign from God and we were going to get married. I told him no, and continue to do so, but he's convinced it's just me not accepting God's will in my life. I cannot seem to get through to him that he is not what I need, and I am certainly not what he needs. He's very christian, totally sold out, carries his bible with him everywhere. Can't comprehend there is more to God than just the Bible. Totally just wants everyone to get saved.
I'm am not at that point in my walk with God, and never will be again. Our paths crossed, but they're not merging. I'm at a loss for what to do, because before I knew he was going to be like this, I introduced him to my church, and he really likes it. And, it's quite possibly what he needs, but that just means I'll be in constant contact. meh.
I don't know what to do.


On a brighter note. My sister and I rode the train to Memphis, the train was called The City of New Orleans and we were 'walking in Memphis our feet 10 feet off of Beale' haha. And, we saw graceland. So, that was awesome. Top that off, I met a guy. My sister and I called him my bearded man. haha. Didn't catch his name or anything, but I did the ghetto thing when I got home, I posted an ad on craigslist. I know. I'm such a creeper. But, several days later, he responded. Can't believe it. Totally in shock.

Sometimes I can't believe my life. It's so freakin' weird! Who else has this stuff happen to them?! 

Last week and other news

Okay, so I went to a meeting called Cross Currents. At this point I'm unsure how I feel about the 8 week program, but a couple things were said that I totally appreciated. In regards to relationships: When we begin a relationship it's typically because we see in other people- filler for the holes we have in our soul. We can't expect other people to fill our holes, because they can't. They have their own holes. Sometimes God's love just drains out those holes instead of filling us up and overflowing. What a thought!

So for the past couple weeks I've been struggling with the idea of baptism. I never got baptized when I said "the prayer" I was like 3 at the time. Through-out the  years it was much on my mind, something I wanted to do. But the way my life has developed over the years had me questioning the purpose of baptism. I'd grown up with the doctrine, so I was familiar with all the reasons, it just wasn't meaning anything to me. 
My church was doing a baptismal service. I briefly considered getting baptized, and pretty much decided otherwise. One of the pastors and I were talking at one point and he randomly asked if I'd ever been baptized. I replied to the negative, and he asked me to consider it.
I did consider it for 2 weeks. That Sunday of the baptismal service I was still going back and forth about it. I showed up for the potluck dinner, left my phone in the sanctuary with my jacket. I ate and socialized for a while, and then went back to check my phone. Not because I was expecting anything, just to see if there was anything. As I picked up the phone it rang. It was my friend Megan just calling to see what my decision was.  I told her I was still undecided about it. We talked for a while, she prayed for me...
After she hung up, the reality of what just happened blew me away. God very effectively just called me on the phone to tell me it was a good thing to get baptized. What were the chances that I would be there to answer the phone at just that moment? Pretty darn slim.  This is how God speaks to me, through coincidences. I was trying to verbalize this to my mom  through out the week. She wasn't understanding. I merely told her that he speaks to me through people and music and stuff. I didn't realize that it was actually coincidences that actually are what it is. Cool.
So anyway, I got baptized. It was actually pretty fun. I made people laugh several times. Which is good for me. I'm not that funny of a person as a rule, (compared to the rest of my family) but Sunday... I was funny. It was good. :-)

As of yesterday Cracker Barrel pretty much offered me a management position, they're finally ready to move forward. Pretty much I have no idea what I'm going to do. Is this the move I want to make? I was very positive about it when approached with it, because I don't want to shut the door. But I hate working. Okay, I take that back, I like working on my own terms. In management I'll be working 50 hours a week. for only $37000 a year, minus taxes. Which isn't really that much. But at the same time, it'll be training... I've waited 7 years for this. Dude. What road to take?

The end.

On many things

I've been in a turmoil all week. I found out on Monday that my dad is no longer going to do the business up here. Instead, he feels like everything economy-wise is dead and dying around here. (Which is true... in some ways it is.) So, he feels like he just can't get excited about doing this business up here. So, in a matter of 2 weeks, his plan is to be down on the Outer Banks making a go of it. The mother and the kids will stay up here while he gets things going down there. He wants me to move down with them.
The reason this throws me for such a loop is that 1: I need my family, at this point in my life they are my core. 2: I really want to quit at Cracker Barrel and do something different and more rewarding money-wise. So I was really looking forward to doing this with my dad. 3: I've had the itch to move for the last 3 years or so. 4: I'm really excited about this community farm we're starting. 5: If I stay, I'll need to make more money then I am because I couldn't afford to go see the parents very often. Especially if gas prices go up as much as they say they're going to. 6: I like a couple of people that live here. :-) 7: My sister would still be here...

I just don't know what I'm going to do.
So amidst this turmoil of deciding and trying to hear God's voice from whatever medium He chooses to speak through... Brent (one of the pastors at my church) decided to ask me if I'd ever been baptized. No, I haven't. I was too young when we were part of a church, and since then we church hopped so much, it wasn't really an option.  When I was younger, I really really wanted to get baptized. But now, I'm so untraditional about God stuff, that sometimes I even wonder if I should call myself a christian. Yes, I love Jesus and his teachings. But, besides that, I don't think it matters if he was born of a virgin. What if He was just a good man, in tune with God, does that make a difference to my faith?  I don't really know the answers to these questions.
So, being baptized, it's a symbol, of dying to yourself and living anew- Christ within you living through you. Part of me rebels at it, because symbols are just symbols. It's the doing that counts.
I asked Ricky about it, and his reply totally turned on the lightbulb for me. He responded with baptism is like a wedding. You're together before and after, the ceremony just being the official commitment.
That totally makes sense.
I was talking to my mom about it yesterday, and I was telling her all of this. Her response was "How does God feel about you getting baptized?"
That response totally frustrated me. God doesn't care either way. Our relationship doesn't change one way or the other. Or, maybe it does. Maybe that's why this freaks me out so much. If it is like a wedding, and commitment.... I don't do things halfway. If I commit, I'm in for the long haul. I don't feel like I'd be committing to God, but to Christianity. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.  So that's where I'm at.
This muddled mess? That's what my thoughts are like. I live in a constant state of two sides at war, and trying to walk through in the middle, unwavering as both sides tug at me.

I heard something fabulous on Wednesday. But, I'll have to tell you more about that next time. Today is my dad's birthday, and I was just informed that they're headed up here soon.  Got lots to do.

Starry Starry Night

Today I wanted to give up so many times. I’ve worked the past 11 straight days, totaling about 90 hours. I am exhausted. To make matters that much more interesting, day number 10 I got sick. Battling this stupid fever head cold thing is not my idea of a good time. So today, instead of devoting myself to lots and lots of rest and relaxation, I cleaned the house. It had gotten to such a state of disarray. I detailed the bathroom, took me 2 hours. I switched over to the kitchen, and started scrubbing the stove, followed by the refrigerator. Started working on the mass of laundry in front of the washer, and cleaned my room. I just ended for the night with giving the dog a bath. I’m wiped. There is still so much that needs done, but I cannot go further. This is the point where it’s not just the lazy voice of procrastination begging me to stop, it’s pure and utter exhaustion.


I made enchiladas for dinner. Delicious. Now to read and write until I fall asleep.

I recently started reading Adam Young’s blog (Owl City), so it’s been fun reading and listening to his Valentine’s Day thing for Taylor Swift. Cute. He’s a fun kid. I think if I knew him, I would enjoy being friends.



There’s been a certain numbness to all things spiritual lately. I don’t know the reason for it. But, it is frustrating. I kind of feel like I’m trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. They speak of worship, and I grasp what they speak of, feel a void where said worship should be. Brent said something Sunday, that probably answers this question if I’d let myself think of it. That we are created to worship. What it is that we worship is up for debate. If God is our object of worship every breath, movement, word and deed should spell that out. But if he’s not, something else is. What does that mean for me?

What do I have in that spot? Am I so consumed with my lonliness, that I’ve placed God elsewhere?

I miss being challenged by God. I’m scared because I don’t know what I believe anymore. I’m scared of not believing in something I’ve grown up believing in. I’m scared of not having rules. I’m scared of not knowing. I’m scared because sometimes I’m okay with that. How do I grow and stay grounded? How do I see the whole big picture and not be distracted by the maze? I don’t know.

Sun and Snow

It's such a beautiful day out. Today is 7 straight days of working, and I won't be off until Monday. Which, strangely enough is Valentines Day. I don't even have a valentine, so there is no reason for me not to be working! We had someone call and quit, thus the hours I had to pick up. Only plus side is that 1, I'll have major overtime, and 2, I was training someone the whole time, so HOPEFULLY I won't have to fill that position much longer.  I totally made that happen too. Not the someone quitting, but the training a replacement. For some reason we don't hire in from the outside our back-up cooks, therefore we need to cross train people from inside. I reviewed the list of employees, and selected one, asked him if he would be interested... he agreed. So I pretty much manipulated my way into getting the managers to agree. It does help that they trust my judgement. It's hard to tell at this point if my trainee will make it eventually back there. Right now he's a bit too anal about things, and slow, but that could come with time. I guess we'll find out!

Today I'm headed to Panera to talk to a lady about a job. My time at the Cracker Barrel is coming to a close, and I'm ready for something different. She works for State Farm Insurance, so we'll see what she's offering and go from there. I am excited though. Something different will be good.

I miss my friends. I pretty much only have Erin now. The others have gotten busy, too busy to make the effort. That is achy. But, such is life.

I think that Yoganada guy hit the nail on the head when he researched the Christ Consciousness. The idea has been coming up all around me lately. Not the term of course, that's too New Agey, but the idea is there. It's crazy how and when truths are brought to light in my world.

That's it for today. I hope life is good wherever you may be.

Everything

Seeing as I have very few if any readers, you probably don't know that every once in a while I put profiles up on online dating websites, just to see if there is anyone out there. There isn't. Okay, I take that back, there are plenty, but with me being who I am, there is seriously no one out there like me.
One places asks you to choose how you define your faith the answers range from "I'm still trying to figure it out" all the way to "It defines who I am". I am both those answers but not the ones in between. I am still trying to figure it out and it defines who I am. But, the guys who do their answer as "I'm still trying to figure it out" aren't really trying to figure it out, and the ones that say "it defines who I am" are way too intense for me.
I want to meet a scruffy mountain man who cleans up nicely, he's probably an anarchist, he loves laughing, he loves reading and thinking about things, he takes care of himself and other people, he never wants to stop growing. This man believes in God, but doesn't worry about anything more than living out what Jesus taught in loving God and people. He probably is an environmentalist in some ways. He's approximately 6'-6 5". (My preference would be black hair and blue eyes... haha) He loves family. He's somewhere between the ages of 26-32.  I guess that's about it. I don't think I'm asking too much, but maybe I am.
So, if you happen to know of anyone who fits in with at least the majority of these criteria, let me know. I would very much like to meet him.

I spent the afternoon at Borders today finishing up a study on Philippians 2. Brent asked me to share my thoughts on it this coming Sunday at church. I immediately said that I would, but the more I thought about it, the more I was unsure of the whole idea. I'm more than halfway a heretic. I rarely read the Bible these days. Paul bothers me, and he wrote the majority of the new testament. For instance. In Philippians 2, he's talking about how we should treat other people as more important than ourselves, being humble, and so on. However, he ends out the chapter by being an ass. He's talking about Epaphroditus and how he almost died to supply their lack of service to him. He's just being so arrogant there, laying on the guilt trip that it bothers me greatly.

I also ended up reading Girards book "How to sell anything to anybody" Very interesting.

Happy Ground Hog day. Early spring this year!! ;) At least, it better be, this has been quite the humdinger of a winter so far.

Cat Stevens is singing to me... :) Moonshadow

I had a comfortable day. I was afraid this morning that it was going to be pretty rotten. Work is just 100% stress lately. I'm having such difficulty with the people there performing their required tasks with efficiency. I don't expect more from them than I do myself, so I don't think it's too much to ask. There is so much bitching about who didn't do this or that instead of just pulling together to get the job done. As a shift leader my role is to make sure the ship doesn't sink. Helping those who are getting behind, the extra filler person sometimes. I do get exasperated though with the attitudes around me, especially with the ones who complain all the time and the one who is disrespectful to me all the time. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Though I perform all the duties of a real manager in this capacity, I do not carry the clout.  I hope it gets better soon.

Church tonight was nice. They sang more hymns/ hymn like songs. I like those so much better than the repetitive fluff of "praise and worship" songs that they usually sing. Brent preached on how huge God is. How unknowable. How He didn't create us because he was lonely, he just did 'cause he wanted to. It was just really good to hear.  Sometimes I am surprised with church and I really like it. :-) 
I was told that I seem like a person who doesn't just do things because other people do, or because other people say that I should. I laughed. I told them that they were right, I stand on my own two feet. I'm not easily molded that's for sure.

I spent the remainder of the evening at Borders researching selling and marketing for my newest venture. I'll expound more on it at a later point. Suffice to say, I'm going to help my dad with his venture. 

I'm going to head off now. Townes Van Zandt just sang the sad ballad of Pancho and Lefty to me. If you know the song, I'm excessively proud of you.
Be well.

Do You Believe In Magic?

I've had such a comfortable last couple of days. I don't really know why, it's just been a series of small things. I had Sunday off of work, this is such a rare occurrence that it just was amazing. I was really productive in getting some much needed cleaning done in my house, made dinner to bring to potluck at church, and just had a really relaxing day. Monday I was supposed to have off of work, but I picked up a 3 hour serving shift. I was really dreading it, because I just didn't want to work. But it was good. I miss serving. I gave half my shift away yesterday, and spent the afternoon and evening with friends and research time at borders.
I'm researching things for the garden. Reading lots of books with ideas for what to grow, how to grow, what to be careful of. All kinds of things. I've also been doing some reading on bees. Next year the idea is to have bees too. This is so amazing. I think I'm currently living in a pretend world. Two of my all-time favorite books are "The Harvester" and "The Bee-Keeper" both by Gene Stratton-Porter. This is putting them both together in my life. It could be awesome.
I'm also taking a different direction for the kids club. I need to teach them how to make their letters correctly and at the least, the multiplication table. The one 12 year old I was helping do his lowest common denominator fraction problems, couldn't tell me what 3x8 was. He wanted to use a calculator. So, I'm trying to find some math games to make math fun, and I'm going to make writing contests with prizes to whoever can write the neatest. This starts tonight, so we'll see how it goes.

It's back to the grind of 10 hour days starting tomorrow, and likely lasting throughout the weekend. Pray that I notice the moments and not get trapped by the stress of the whole.

And what a week it has been!

I've been crazy busy this past week. So much so, I sincerely don't remember doing much besides working. Working 6 days does wipe out your week, especially when the one day you have off you run an afterschool kids program. ;)
Good things that happened this week:
I went shopping with Alisa and picked out my bridesmaid dress for  her wedding!
I decided to change focus in the kids club. I have to go back to the basics with these kids. Going to teach them how to make their letters correctly, and basic multiplication.
Mommy had her surgery and got the stones sonically blasted out.
My brother Nathanael turned 17.
I spent the evening with the Schnabel's Thursday night going over what we're going to plant on the farm. Especially in regards to the herbs. It's going to be so awesome!

So here I am, lame, I know, but I got home from work about an hour ago, took a long hot shower- got into my pajama's and now I'm curled up in my bed, writing this and fixing to go to sleep at 7:30 on a Saturday night. I'm so awesome. hahaha

The sunrise was absolutely amazing this morning. I was feeling cranky because I didn't want to go to work and there it was, pink and blue and white- the sun making the land and trees glitter. Amazing. I felt guilty for not getting much less cranky because of it, but while it made my soul soar... I still had no desire to go to work. :)
 But now I have the next two day off of work, thank the Lord.

Awkward and other stories

Last night was a Friday night. I worked the 5am-1pm shift, so I had nothing planned for the rest of the day.  I went home, had some lunch, and took a nap. (Those 5am's mess up my sleep!)  I decided to go out to a coffee shop do some writing and finish up that Yoga of Jesus book. While I was out, I happened to see that it was opening night for The Green Hornet. I bought myself a ticket and went it. I really don't mind going to see movies by myself. I know it's weird, but, it's not really a big deal, I do most things by myself. :-)  As I'm sitting there waiting for the movie to start, someone sits down next to me. Now, there are plenty of other seats in the theatre, so I'm a little weirded out by this. I look over, and I think to myself. SHIT. (The thought was in all caps... haha) Beside me now is this guy that asked me out last year. I almost went out with him, until I found out that he had a daughter 3 years younger than me, and that was just too weird. So, yeah, he and his 6 year old son sat next to me during the movie. AWKWARD.

So, having now completed reading the Yoga of Jesus by Parmahasna Yogananda, I have decided that while the overall idea of the book is intriguing, there's alot in the book that's not truth. The tempering of truth to it made for an interesting read however. But when it comes to having to sit up straight so I can see out my inner eye, and that that was what Jesus was talking about when he said "straight is the gate and narrow is the way" haha. ....
But there were some challenging parts too, especially in regards to knowing God. So, I'd recommend it, if just for a new viewpoint.

This week will be another long one. 20 hours in, 28 more to go in the next 3 days.

I hope your week brings new insights and new people to share life with.

Thoughts on Damage and other things

So the other day I got an email from the guy I went out with on the Outer Banks a couple of times. He wanted to tell me that he'd met a girl. He was the only guy I've like for real dated, 3 really nice comfortable dates. But, at the end of the last one, I just knew deep down in my gut, he was not my person. I didn't want to know that, but I did, so when he went back down to the beach, I wrote him a note asking him where he thought we were as far as anything goes, and he told me he didn't know where he was, so let's just keep it like it was. I was totally okay with that. Just friends.  My dad really liked this guy, so he has been having trouble understanding why I don't mind. He thinks it's because I'm just comfortable with guys being at a distance and I'm too scared to let them any closer.  I don't think so. I just.. I don't know. I just KNOW when they're not my person. Granted, there are sometimes that I'm not sure, they might be, so I let it ride... but then it always comes to naught anyhow.
It hurts me though, how much crap I get about it. Alot of it from my dad. He likes to tease, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will not go hunting. If I am not what the guys around me are looking for, so be it. Maybe it's just meant to be like this. I will not settle for someone who doesn't think and doesn't care about things. I just can't.
Some little old ladies came in to the Cracker Barrel yesterday and I waited on them. The one said to me "You've got to be careful with dimples like that, I bet you've got the guys lined up to court you."  I just laughed with the pain in my eyes, "No," I responded, "I am 25, and I've never had a boyfriend."  Later she told me that she'd had a Word from the Lord, He'd told her to tell me that the guy I've been waiting for is coming, and will be well worth the wait. ha. Good to know.
The part of me that is self sufficient and independent doesn't care. You can't miss what you've never known. But the part of me that is fragile, doesn't know what's wrong with me.


My brother yesterday flipped off a school bus. I couldn't understand where in what universe that was okay. Apparently one of the kids had done it to one of my little sisters. So, I understand, but at the same time. It is only us that have control over our actions. How you respond to other people is on you and you alone. You have the choice to respond rightly, or wrongly. That was wrongly, however you may justify it in your mind. Because it didn't end up just effecting him, but the whole family and anyone on that bus that saw. The younger kids saw him do it, therefore in their minds it's not necessarily as bad as it was before they saw him do it. "But, Josiah did it!!" My mother happened to see it out of the window, told my dad, and they were very upset. They don't want Josiah alone with the kids if he can't control his own behavior.  And who knows who saw him on the bus and what their reactions were to that.  Poor life decisions don't just effect us, but all those around us.


It poured snow yesterday, so I think before evening I'm going to go get the kids and take them sledding. They're coming up anyway because it's mama's 51st birthday, but not until dinner time ish.  I'm making big Turkey dinner tonight. I made 6 pies last night with the help of my friend/ adopted sister Desiree. She's amazing. So, it'll be Thanksgiving again, only on a smaller scale. :)

Be well.

Dude

The past 4 days all I've done is work and sleep. Granted, I've worked over 30 hours in these 4 days alone... I'm just tired. I got off work at 3 today, and all I've wanted to do since is go to sleep! So, here I am, it's 6 o'clock, and I just put on my pajamas- ready for sleep. I'm so lame. I just haven't been able to function. Yesterday I went to church, and usually it makes me think, people inspire me. But instead, I felt cut off from my soul, going through the motions, but nothing really connecting. 


There are no more words tonight.

There are so many thoughts that I want to put down. But the thoughts are incomplete, so it is hard to form them into readable paragraphs.

Have you ever been worried that you may be opening a door that should not be opened?  Because there might be a tiger on the other side who will eat you.

I have to be at work in 5 and a half hours, but just because I have to get up early, doesn't mean I can fall asleep just because. I love and hate my job. I love working with people. But, I think I want to do something different. The possibilities are endless, but the means are hard to come by.

I refuse to gather in more debt. Unless it is completely necessary, I wish to get out of debt as soon as possible. Which, will be a couple years. To be rid of my debt in 1 year, I would have to pay $1200 a month.  When I make approximately that much.... It may be more doable than I thought. I just have to not have to pay for anything else. Oh wait. Crap. hah.
Why does everything in life have to revolve around money? If I want to learn how to do something, it costs me money. If I want to go somewhere, it cost me money. If I want to eat, it cost me money. If I want to have shelter, it cost me money. Damnation.

After I got off work today, I changed into some normal clothes and went to the shoe store. It's been pouring snow, and my 3 year old boots have been leaking. I caught the shoe salesman looking at me. "Oh, I was just appreciating how you look, your outfit suits you." I laughed. The black jacket over top a purple turtleneck paired with a knee length black with white polka dot skirt, black tights and knee high boots, yes, I was looking fine. ;) If only he had been 40 years younger.  What can I say, the old guys and the creepy guys love me.

Did I ever tell you about my cult guy? He told me that I'd been reincarnated several times, this is infact my 15th time back. I know, right?! Old soul, here. haha.  I just can't fathom reincarnation. I'm fairly open minded, but I just can't wrap my head around that one. There's been quite a bit about reincarnation in that Yoga of Jesus book I've been reading. I wonder if my beliefs will ever steady out, and I'll know the truth, or if it will always be the search. I have a feeling it is supposed to be the search.

That's it for tonight.
Enjoy the colors and frozen shapes of winter.

To many things

To the things that might have been:


If only.... the timing had been right.

If only... I was shorter.

If only... I had been born 50 years ago.

If only... I was not so responsible.

If only...


To the things that are:

I am exactly where God has me in my life's journey.

I am tall, and not bad looking either. Just so you know, I look fantastic in heels. ;-)

I was born in 1985 for a reason. The here and now needs me.

I am responsible. You need never doubt my dependability or loyalty.


To the things that are yet to come:

I am ready.

The Day

Today was a good day, yesterday was a good day. I can only assume, tomorrow will be a good day as well. Crazy, my days off are really good days. I wonder if that says something. Yesterday I slept in really ridiculously late, it was like 11 before I got out of bed.  Got some house cleaning done before the parents came over. I made them dinner, we hung out for awhile. After they went home I went to Borders. I wanted to read more of this book a friend had told me about. It's really good, because you get emotionally interested in what's going on in the story. I was enjoying it, but after awhile I had to put it down. I randomly came across another book called "The Yoga of Jesus". It's really quite fascinating in some ways and completely off the nutter wagon in others. It's amazing how there are bits of truth in everything. Once I finish it I'll give you more of a detailed decision on the book.
Today I spent the majority of it with my friend Erin. I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks, so it was nice to catch up and share what's been going on in my life with her. She was so spazzy today though. It was hilarious. I was a little bit worried when we stopped for coffee. :-) You know that squirrel in the movie Hooodwinked? That was her. It was awesome.
Then I spent the evening with the siblings. Made an awesome dinner, and now am fixing to watch some movies. A very uninspiring end to the day, but oh so comfortable. :)

I hope you also have gotten to have some time to do nothing and relax. It's winter, hibernate.

Thoughts on Inspiration

Jason preached last night on how as "little Christs" people should see Jesus in us, and be automatically attracted to that.  We have a community of people who genuinely care about one another, sharing in the pains and the joys, pouring into the lives one another. At least that's the idea.

My thoughts are more a long these lines: We meet very few people in our lives that make measurable impact. Crossroads people. People that inspire us to be better than we are. The only thing is, is that I don't think that they will necessarily always be that person for us. It's like a chance meeting on an interstate. You're driving along and there's a scenic bypass, this one car turns off, you decide to follow until that car goes off in another direction. But that scenic bypass made inspired you in some way.
When I was 18, I met my friend Jonathan Cannone, he introduced me to out-of-the-box thinking in a very real way. Christian existentialism. If we bring The Matrix into this for an example, he was just at the point where he could jump buildings, and he stretched me just enough so that I believed I could jump buildings too, and I succeeded. Jonathan went off in another direction, his spiritual path has yet to again coincide with my own.  He was a crossroads person for me. Because of him, I grew beyond traditional Christianity. I guess, though, I shouldn't say because of him, more with his help, I grew. My path was already inclined toward that direction, but he helped me leap across.
When I was 24, I met the people of LoveCanton. Ricky Miller inspires me to let go and let God be in control. He consistently reminds me that it's okay to have doubt, and that God is that dad who never lets go. He tells me I'm not insane for seeing God in coincidences. He reminds me to stop and pray.
The Schnabel's passion for life inspires me. They don't just talk their faith, they are remarkable doers. They are reducing their carbon footprint, they are passionate about helping people. They think outside the box of society, and they love the peace of the mountains.

Those questions of "Who am I?" and "Who have I inspired to be better?" are legitimate questions, not with the intention of making you feel guilty, but the intention of inspiring us to be better. Are we living our lives to the fullest, or do we make a half ass effort and skate through life without inspiring or being inspired?

Let's change our lives so we can help others change theirs. Let's jump buildings together.

Observations and thoughts

The stars were out tonight. First time in weeks. It makes me wish I lived away from the city lights, there are so many stars I can't see because it's just too light out. I went up to the Yukon Canada a couple years ago. You have never seen anything as inspiring as the stars up there. There are so many things that lift my soul to inspiring heights, the vastness of the ocean, the massive mountains, the great expanse of the plains, but to me the sky is where all the magic culminates. The night sky up there hundreds of miles from civilization, no pollution, there are no blank spots in the sky, it's filled with stars. Catching sight of the Northern Lights was outstanding. I hope you get to experience the same some day.

I've had such good conversation lately. It's so amazing how God brings people into your life just when you need them, and surprisingly when they need you too.

Those are all the words from me tonight. They are not flowing. It probably has something to do with my eyes not wanting to stay open.