date

 It's the end of the year, and things are drawing to a close. I agreed to go on a date today with someone else. He's already obsessed with me. So, I don't trust it at all, especially because he's not asking many questions, just talking about how he wants to touch me. He's not being creepy about it. Just infatuated. But he hasn't even met me yet. So we're meeting this afternoon.  

I don't want to. 

But I'm making myself do it. Because how else am I going to move on? How do I let go of a love that doesn't love me back the way I need?  I told him the other night that I missed him, that I wasn't sure if I should say anything or just leave it be. His response 3 hours later, (when I know he saw it immediately), was that he was sorry he's been sick. 

And nothing else. 

Grief spawns things. So, I know I can't just wait on him to love me. It's been 5 years. And he just takes me for granted, that I'll be there when he wants me. And I have been. Because that's what love does. But it's hurting me. So I have to change something. I haven't figured out how not to be hurt about it, so I'm going on this date.  Maybe someone else can love me like I need. Maybe I can forget about him. Because like it or not, if I think about the reality of it, he and I are not a good match as far as lifestyles go. He'd be so bored with me. 

season

 Well, I told him I can't keep doing this. He's back home and so doesn't talk to me again. This always happens when he's around his friends. He doesn't need me anymore.  I was actually surprised when I heard from him last week. It was just to get his rocks off, but yeah. Now that I've said what I've said, I doubt I'll hear from him before February. Maybe even March. 

I can't keep being made to feel as though I'm nothing. Granted, it's how I'm receiving it, so in part the fault lies with me. But, name one other relationship in the history of ever that goes a week without speaking (or more) who when the girl sends suggestive pictures, there's no response.  It seems to be indicative. This is not my fault. There's something wrong, and it's not right to continue to get my feelings hurt on a regular basis. 

Still in Georgia. I have no idea how anything is going to work out. My aunt is now talking about asking me to stay on through the summer, which is not something that I want to do. I just find community and money making potential to be slim here. And I'm so tired of being cold. 

aging

 The reflection in the mirror stares back. Where did all the wrinkles come from? Why are there wrinkles in places that shouldn't even have them? Attention shifts momentarily to the hair. Long strands of grey starting to become more and more visible. It's pointless now to pull them out. There's too many.  Dark circles under the eyes, and bags because sleep has been disrupted lately. Almost unrecognizable. This can't be me. Is this really what I look like?  The thought strikes hard and swift. It's no wonder he doesn't love me anymore. Why does anyone think I'll find someone else, when this is the reality?
Because who you are on the inside is what matters! The argument begins. It's easy say that, but when the reality of the mirror is facing you, and you know that he moved on, it feels like a moot point.  People have said that you are extraordinary, but you are the one living it, and it just feels normal to you. 
Turning away from the mirror, the harsh truth too much to wallow in, the argument continues. You have friends that love you. 
Yes, but he doesn't. He was the one I wanted to love me. His opinion was the one that mattered.
Everyone says you'll be better off. That you'll find someone new. 
Looking like the cryptkeeper? The internal self scoffs. I don't even recognize myself anymore. 
Why are you being so superficial? 
Because my love was not enough for him, so what else could it be? That's the only thing that has changed over the years. What is inside is not enough, apparently. So why would I even consider that anyone else would settle for that? 
The other side of the internal argument stops. Tears spring to the surface. It's just grief for what was. A new day is dawning, but it hasn't arrived yet. This grief exists in the moment, and mourns the loss of youth, of a past love, of the dreamer who believed in the power of love. 

opportunities...

 Andre called me. He wants me to work for him again as a traveling salesperson. Part of me thinks that's a great idea. The other part thinks that he is not a safe bet. I want to help him achieve his dreams, of course, but I know how he is. I know he's not reliable. But, it would give me plenty of time to write. And do book signings. And maybe talks. And still do life coaching. And potentially travel with Heath. 

It doesn't fulfill my need for a home and community, but it definitely gives me the freedom my soul craves. It also lets me travel as desired. That will be good. 

I have to figure out the best way to market my book. Granted, it has to be done first. Still waiting on my dad. He said it would be done tomorrow a few days ago. I'll call him on monday if it's still not done. I just want to get the ball rolling and money coming in... so that I can afford to keep going on this.

Book and other thoughts

 So, my book is done. The kindle version is correct and published. I haven't announced it anywhere yet, because most people want the paperback option and I want that to be a thing before I really start marketing. I really can't wait. My dad is doing to formatting for me for the paperback, which is probably not the best idea, because he's not great at finishing projects. But, I don't really know what else I would do. I don't have the program to do it, and knowing me, I'd get so frustrated because it'd be difficult. 

Heath has returned to my life. I don't know what that means, or what the future looks like. But we've talked through most of the issues that caused the blowout in Oregon to happen. There's been some progress, and some backsliding. But, with the open air between us, there's a relief for sure. 

I tried dating. I went on 4 dates after getting to Georgia. A little bit of sexting other men... but there's just so much of me that doesn't want anyone else. We've worked hard getting through the ups and downs, scraping all that just feels terrible. Plus, honestly, I don't even know how we progressed past that first date, I have no idea how to replicate it. I can't seem to maintain anyone's interest past the initial meeting- even if they say they are. 

At least I know he loves me to the degree in which he's capable of at this point, and I know that I'm safe with him. 

results

 It did produce results. He's been in contact, in a good way. Upswing again? I don't know. I can't worry about it right now, because all I'm doing is going from one day to the next. 

The book is technically published as an kindle book right now. It'll need updating as soon as I get the number back for the library of congress. I didn't realize it was different than the copyright. 

I took a job at the marina restaurant. I'm not sure about it though. It feels like I'm caving to the man because of money requirements.

It's stressful. Everything is.

an email

R	10:18 AM (0 minutes ago)
to Heath

I have gotten back on a dating site, and have a couple dates scheduled. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be looking for anyone else. I don’t want anyone else touching me. I don’t want anyone else to ask me to put him in my mouth.  I don’t want to close the door in my heart that loves you and only you.

I’m not nothing. I deserve love and adoration, because that’s what I give out. I’m not perfect, but I think it’d be so nice to be really loved. 

If there is one thing I learned since we said goodbye that fateful day when misunderstandings and hurt feelings abounded, it’s that I can’t love enough for the both of us.

I can’t return to the same old patterns. Something in my heart closed.

I need to be loved in return, and not vaguely. I need to know that there is someone who wants to do life with me. Someone who wants to touch my butt, someone who wants to hug me randomly because I’m his favorite thing in the world.  I need someone who lights my fire, and inspires me to be my best self, and go for my dreams. Someone who I can inspire in return.

I can’t have any more sleepless nights where I wonder if you love me. I can’t lie awake and wonder if I’ll ever be a priority to you.

I know your work is important to you, but there have been times where you have made an effort with me, showing that it can be done, but it never lasts.  You talk yourself out of it.

It feels like you want my love as an option, as a fallback, there when you need it.

Being blocked on social media, being entered in your phone as something other than my name (I think Spam Caller was the last I saw), not being known about by your friends and family, these are things that are very hurtful when I’m looking for a love that is proud of me and wants to introduce me to the world because of the love and magic he’s found. Because I would do the same in return.

 

I don't know what else to say. If you do want me... If you do see a future for us...

 I just need you to say that. I need you to tell me that you love me, and that it is my love that you want. 

I know we both have goals we're working for, and I can be patient, but being patient when I don't even know if you love me is too hard. 

nope

 He said he only feels the friend vibe for me and hasn't spoken to me since. 

That's fine. I didn't want to stay in Ohio anyhow. 

I went to the rootstown cracker barrel this morning, saw several faces that I knew. How crazy. It's been 20 years.  The majority of them didn't remember who exactly I was but they knew my face. I worked there 20 years ago. I can't even tell you how much that just blows my mind. 

I'm still stressing on my next moves. I don't really know what to do next. Vermont in a few days. Looking forward to that because I'm going to go to niagra falls on the way. 

Kind of dreading the time in north georgia at aunt barbs. Just because I'm going to have to store my stuff somewhere. And decide where next. I need sunshine. So it might end up being florida again. I might go down to the keys. We'll see. See if I can find a job. and a place to live. 

There are things that I require to be happy. People. and Sunshine/water, I don't know why it's been such a struggle to have both. 

But what is actually next for my life? I don't know. Selling the book.... an LLC whereever I land, so I can also step into the lifecoaching, 

but also I want to live in the keys. 

wtf

 Why is this my life? 

Why is there always a curveball thrown at me?

I don't know what to do.

This time the curveball is Chris. I accidently found him. Sunday I got bored and kinda depressed that everyone here is in a relationship, so I just looked to see what the single scene looked like here. I had ZERO intention of matching with anyone. I just wanted to see that there were still single people. 

and then there he was. Earth shattering blue eyes. Profile that spoke of a good soul. So, I said hello. And hello has turned into so much more. How do we have so much in common? He seems like a steady soul and one that cares deeply. I don't even know what to do with it.  So we're in the wait and see phase. But, this was NOT part of my plan. I wasn't even supposed to be here. 

I don't want to stay in Ohio. But I could. 

Book

 The book is still waiting on the editor to get it back to me with the final proof read. It's agonizing. She's had it for SO long. like a month at this point. I just need it back so that I can get it formatted to book form and get it finalized for publication. There's so much to do still and I'm just sitting here with my hands tied because I can't do anything else without the copy of the book. I finished the book description and author bio today. Ally is finishing up the author page on my site. It's all coming together, I just need the damn book! hahah oh well. Hopefully it'll be exceptionally perfect. 

Haven't heard from H. Not that I was really expecting to, but yeah. Crazy how it can just disappear like nothing. 

the final goodbye

 It happened as expected. Everything was superficial, there was nothing about me or even caring about me or my feelings. Not even in the 10 minutes of intimate time. In the past he has been so focused on me and my pleasure, and this was not. At all.  A tinder notification popped up while we were eating dinner. He looked over at me to see if I noticed, and pretended I hadn't but my heart dropped. It was the final proof that he didn't care about me at all. So, I tried to breathe but I couldn't anymore. He noticed and freaked out said he was going to leave because the vibe wasn't good anymore. So I left instead. I have a home here, he doesn't. He shut down completely and wouldn't talk, so it was better this way. 

I leave Oregon on Monday, he'll have no idea where I am. Our ways have split completely. 

I am going to go to ohio for a few weeks, and then head to NC after the wedding in the middle of October. Who knows what's next for me. 

dread

 The existential dread of not knowing what is next. How to make my next steps, what my next steps are. Who I want to be next year. And by next year I just mean, my 38th year that begins in October. 

I don't want to be trapped by another bnb. So, I think I'm going to try for a management position somewhere making more that 50,000. Which with inflation is not that much.  Or, I could just try for serving again. I'm getting too old for that though. 

Or, I could really just step in faith for the life coaching thing. And the book thing. And really just hope that takes off. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

H is supposed to be here next week. I'm still not certain that it's actually going to happen. I really do feel like we're on the brink of our final goodbye. I know I've said that before. And, I know that he's been better for the last 6 months, but it's getting to that point where he uses the excuse of work , but the reality of it, is that he's just not that into me. If he was passionate about me, he'd make an effort. He was off for a week last week and didn't talk to me once.  I'm the one he calls when he needs to vent, needs accolades, or just is feeling horny- because he knows I'll answer no matter what time of night it is. 

I need to love on people to feel okay myself, so because he needs it, it's been an exercise in figuring this out. But, the reality of it, I need to feel loved too. I don't think that's asking for too much. 

where

 Where am I meant to be?

I don't really have an answer to that. 

I want Breaux Bridge. But I want it to not be in Louisiana. Country feel, but close to cities. An hour from the beach. Affordable.  But I don't know that that exists elsewhere. 

Living here in Oregon, really made me realize that I cannot do isolation. I can. But I don't like who I become. And besides, I like wearing dresses too much. I need to be able to go out to nice restaurants/bars. I need a touch of class. I can't just be the hippy gypsy. Unless I did the van life thing. That might be doable.  I just worry about gas prices at that point.  And I don't think that I would like feeling that much on the move. I want a community at this stage of my life. 

I want to live freely, and meet lots of people. I want to hear their stories and help them find their happy.  That's what I want. I want to go out when I feel like it, I want to adventure when I feel like it.  But how do I have that life?  I don't even know. 

just things

 I don't know.

I had another session with my life coach friend Peiter. That went well. Like, I don't want to spend that much money, but the idea of having someone in my corner, that is just for me. Like I don't owe him any emotional support or anything. 

Heath has been pretty good lately. We have a video date scheduled for tonight, so we'll see if that happens. I really let myself be excited for it. We have such amazing sexual chemistry, but even with that, we talked golf/life for hours last night. Granted none of it was about me. But, it was still good. 

1st

 Do you think that I could ever be first? That I could be the priority?

Where do I stand now?

I know where you stand. You'll never have to wonder. 

Love is the only thing that lasts in this world, and even that has to be tended. But it's impact can last well beyond a lifetime. 

enough

 Because of the inner turmoil I’ve had the last week and a half or so, my mind has been all over the place trying to make sense of everything.  In Lloyd Douglas’ “Invitation to Live” he brought to life the idea that we have a responsibility to the lives around us.  In the “Wrinkle in Time” series, Madeline L’Engle addresses the concept of naming. We bring to power the things that we think/say about other people. People tend to live up or down to how we expect that they will.

We live in a world where society is programmed really, to tear us down. Everything screams at you that you are not enough. You’re not pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, successful enough, good enough, tough enough, brave enough and so on.

We all know that we just have to listen to that voice inside that knows the truth, WE ARE ENOUGH. But, it does get lost in all the noise. We rely then on the voices of our friends and family. People that know and love us. We count on those voices to remind us of who we are.

Don’t be silent. Tell your friends, tell your family. Remind them of the good that they are to you. Remind them of all the ways they are enough, and more than enough. Remind them of the beauty that lies within. Because, we all get lost in the voices that want to tear us down, we all need to hear the truth from those around us. Be that voice. Find the good, and tell each other. It matters. 

h

 So he called. 

He told me to come to him. So I spent $1200, and did. 

It's been the most expensive mistake of my life. 

1st night, awesome. So perfect. He loved on me and let me love him back. It was precisely what my soul needed.  I should have just left in the morning and flown home. But he'd said that he would have a short day. But, he woke up late, and freaked the fuck out. He has to be up again at 5 tomorrow, and it's already after 10. He swears he's going to see me tonight, but I don't even know. I slept for a few hours and woke up with a full on panic attack. I spent so much money that I don't have. 2 weeks worth of work out the window in a day for a booty call across the country. I shouldn't have done it. 

I saw his phone got a tinder match. 

Why do I delude myself? 

I tell myself that he loves me. But I don't believe it. All this time, it's been alive because I love him. Oh, he's fond of me, thinks I'm the best person alive. But he's not in love with me. He won't be obsessed with me. My happiness is not paramount. (Don't get me wrong, in bed he's all about my pleasure.) But real world? He doesn't tell his friends about me. He doesn't want to do anything with me outside the bedroom. This is some fucked up shit and I just let it happen. Because I love him, and I'm obsessed with him. 

I can't. I just can't. 

depression

I feel it stealing away at me. 

There's nothing I'm looking forward to. 

There's only hard steps ahead.

There's no excitement in the day to day, there are hours of nothing. 

I can't function like this. 

I have nothing. And no one. Who reaches out to me if I don't? Tiffany, I guess. But after everything this past week, I've got nothing to say to her even. 

saddness

 I find tears are still very near the surface. I can hold them back, but every little thing brings them to the surface. 

I find I'm missing H more than usual. I just wish there was someone else. I wish there was someone that loved me.  

It's stupid. 

But, I don't think I'll ever understand why this gets to happen for everyone else except for me. 

My facebook memories pulled up Ayyoub today, I met him 11 years ago. My first. How have all of the men than have taken me to bed only loved me to the bare minimum? They have all been on the lookout for someone else, and have found theirs. They're all happily married with kids now. And I remain,  solitary and unloved.  Yep, that's my life.   They're all fond of me, to some degree, but love? Naw. That's too strong a word. 

identity

 If I'm not who I think that I am, who am I? 

I don't know how to even begin to process this. 

I don't know how to quantify even the range of impressions that people have of me let alone how to take stock of it and adjust it fit with who I am in my brain. If I need to adjust who I am in my head with the reality of what other people think of me.... what about the fact that their impressions aren't necessarily reality either. Therefore, what is true?

I feel broken. 

who are you

 Sometimes things just hit you like a ton of bricks. 

I'm always more emotional around the time of my period, as women tend to be, I guess. I saw a post from one of my friends kids, how she's in love and so lucky. I'm happy for her. But because my feels are so close to the surface, I found myself being sad that I don't get a love story.  That I'm basically 40 and it's never happened for me. I don't let it bother me on a usual day, it is what it is. But, sometimes those feels claw their way to the surface. 

I called my sister to tell her about it. She is of the opinion that I have too many walls up and don't let people in. That my relationships tend to be superficial because I'm not one that argues and fights for my rights. She said that I'm difficult to get to know and to talk to because people don't know how to read me, and not knowing what's going on in my head makes them avoid me.  

She said that I portray a magical life, when she knows the truth. I have told the people that I'm close to how difficult it has been. But, what I say on social media is true too. Things can be magical and difficult. 

I found out 3 days after I got to Oregon that my position was only seasonal. I have no idea what my life will be or where I'll be after October. 
My boss at the airport approved my PTO which was scheduled for my last 4 days of work. I placed orders on those days even though I was off because technically I was still employed, and I didn't want to leave them high and dry. Those days were not paid out to me after all, and no one will respond to texts or calls. 
My brother was going to be 45 minutes away from me, but moved 3 days before I arrived, as is now 8 hours away instead. I've met a few nice people, but nothing much has come of it yet. I'm still figuring out my balance here, and what routines will be the most healthy for me.   I am off-kilter, I'm not settled, and I get lonesome not talking to anyone for days sometimes. 

We can think we know who we are, but we are also defined by the people that know us and love us. So if one's perception of oneself does not align with how you are seen, doesn't it mean that how you define yourself is actually a lie you're telling yourself?  Who you are, and who you want to be can be very different things.  So now I have the question swirling in my brain, have I lied to myself as to who I am? 

the next week

 So a week into this, sigh. I just don't know. It's been dull to say the least. I haven't figured out an exercise regimen that will keep me from getting fat. There are no gyms here. I could bike, but the roads are a little narrow and windy, I'm not sure that it's safe enough. Besides it's 100% all uphill on the way back. So, that's not ideal. I sit for a good part of the day, which is so unusual for me, because it's frustratingly slow. But hopefully with memorial day next week, things will pick up. I'll be interested to see what the 30 ppl wedding party is like next sunday. 

The people who have stayed have be interesting overall. So that's been nice. It kind of solidifies the idea that I would love having my own place. But, yeah. The hours of nothing have been killer. Then I go home eat dinner, watch a show and go to sleep, rinse and repeat. Good thing, the sitting can be outdoors which is good. Sun and warmth help my happiness. 

The boy is mia this week. Sigh. He's not even reading my texts. I hate that. I hate that he feels like I'm a distraction sometimes. But, just letting it go. I can't make this work out. He has to go all in. 

I just don't even know. 

well

 This has been unexpected to say the least. 

I am having all sorts of feels about it.  Some days I hate it and I'm so miserable and lonely. Other days, I talk to incredible people and love it. 

I still haven't managed to write. I mean, I have like 2 paragraphs done since I got here. That doesn't really cover a re-write of a novel very well.  I think I'm getting better into a place were I can write mentally. I'm almost there today, I just still feel off. 

I feel like I need to decide who I'm going to be, what life I want to lead. What is this path I choose to walk? 

They told me on Sunday that they only intended this position to be seasonal. I would have never moved across the country for a seasonal job, but here I am. So now what? Make the best of this of course. But, do I try to put down roots or do I just exist until it's time to leave? 

Also, Heath. He's been really good lately, but I still have trouble trusting it. He says that I'm not his bestfriend, I'm more than that.  He says that he's obsessed with me. Which, it does seem like he is, sometimes.  But, I really still think that there are others, that for all the words, he still hasn't chosen me.  Be that as it may, I still want to be near him. I don't want to live a life that he won't join me in.  And that right there is my problem.  Our lives are not currently compatible. Either one of us would have to change to make it work.  I could work remotely, so that I could travel with him. Alternatively, he could accept a job teaching and build community. Which I think will be what he decides in the future, but that's probably 10 years from now.  I just don't know. Somehow it's just really hard to see our paths merging, and yet... it's what I've wanted for 4 years now.  Sigh. 

It's been 2 weeks since I've had a hug, and I can tell. 

new adventure

 Well, the time has come. I'll be leaving for Oregon on the 27th. I got a job at a bed and breakfast where I'll be in charge of the coffee shop/bar 7am to 4 pm. Wednesday-Sunday.  Sounds like a pretty great gig. I'm a little bit scared of the fact that there is hardly any cellphone coverage out there. But, I think it will be a good thing. 

There's so many new adventures to be had. 

H came out of the woodwork again. hot and heavy there for a minute. Cooled off this week. But he did tell me he loved me... without me having said it first.  That's a good sign I think? I don't know. Never know with him. Part of me is scared that I won't see him again with this move. But I can't keep waiting on him.  Sigh.

a dream

 I dreamt you lay in my bed, I told you how safe you always make me feel and other things, just sharing my heart. You said nothing, as always. It was hot, and after a little while, you got up and went to a different room, maybe even a different house. I followed a little while later, and went to your room. There was another girl in your bed, and you were asleep. I told her to leave. She hesitated, and then got up, her movement made you wake up.  "no, stay," you said to her. "Go," I repeated sternly. She left.  I sat down on the side of the bed. "How could you, after all the things I just told you?" There was only curiosity, no blame. 
"It freaks me out when you say things like that." You said more but I don't remember now what the exact words were, but there was the feeling like you sabotage to keep expectations low and so that you don't have live up to anything. 

It was true. Probably, though we've never had that talk exactly, we have sometimes skirted around it. 

I don't know why you popped back into my life the other day. I wish you knew how much I hate it. I need you to stay. The back and forth kills me. I want you in all the ways for all of time. I wish you wanted me too. Sometimes you do. And sometimes you don't. I wish I understood. I wish you'd explain where your head and your heart were at when it comes to me. 

In other news. I applied for a job in Oregon. We'll see what happens. 

my best thinking

 My best thinking happens on the verge of dream state. I don't know how things become clearer and answers appear, but that has always been the case.  Oftentimes when I'm stressed about something or need to solve a problem that I cannot see the answer to, I fix it in my mind as I close my eyes.  Most of the time the answer is solved in a scenario. Because that is how my brain works. My brain imagines all of the outcomes, all of the conversations that could take place, all of the actions that could be taken. Then it decides. 

I suppose it's a good thing sometimes, especially when it comes to writing stories, because I am always imagining. But sometimes, I get lost in spirals and can't find my way out. 

Today I was working on my book rewrite. I'm trying to make it better and actually tell the story in a way that not only makes sense, but also gets to the heart of the matter. It's especially poignant right now because of how unhappy I am. How can I write the happiness quest, if I cannot grasp my own happiness?  I know the problem, I know what's wrong. I just don't know how to fix it. 

Through my story, I wrote how everything is hard, and everything is boring. And asked the question of how you can feel alive. The question that is asked is- I want that feeling of being in love- where everything is magical and all hard things can be overcome.  But, not because of someone else, but because of WHO I AM. And then I thought about it. The keys to happiness. Creativity, helping others, making the world a better place, learning, growing, they ALL ARE LOVE. They all are expressing love either to yourself, to the world or to God/the universe. They are all ACTIONS because love is a verb. It's a state of being, but it's an active state. 

I am unhappy with my job, because it forces me to not love myself. (Because my love language to myself is quality time.) I don't have time to myself, I don't have time for mindful exercise, I eat out almost every day because I don't have time for anything, or I just need a break from being on my feet. I  have to adhere to corporate rules that make my life and the lives of those under me difficult to say the least.  There's only bits of love that I can pour out, and that is into the 2 minutes of interactions with customers, and sometimes into the lives of my employees. But it's too little. I'm not building anything, I'm treading water trying to stay afloat myself.  There is hardly any love for the job because of all the corporate bullshit that happens almost daily. I'm not speaking the love languages of those around me, and I'm not speaking my own to myself. So I am unhappy. 

It has to change. Love is who God is, and love is how He flows through us. I must change course so that my life is LOVE. Giving and receiving. 

valentines day letter

 I don't usually say anything for Valentine's day, I don't think. But this year, I want to. I've told you a million times that I love you, so you may not need me to say it again.  

I read this thing the other day that said to love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be. I think that's why it scares me so much, that we don't talk anymore. I don't want to love who you used to be.

I like loving you. I think it brings out the best in who I am and who I can be. That day in September that you told me about in meditation if you thought of me you could silence everything and bring the quiet from the deepest part of you. I knew you loved me and I loved you. It felt like the validation of everything. "Love Wins" has been my mantra for years. If you just love people hard enough, anything is possible. - I'm not meaning that in a romantic sense, just in general. People blossom when they know they are loved.

I think that's why I think of you like I think of the sun. You know I require the sun in my life. If I'm not brown, my stress and unhappiness are high. It's not because of how I look, it just makes me feel good. The vitamin D, the magnesium- the endorphins. 
I crave you like I crave the sun. I crave your words, the sharing of life and laughter, deep talks of our souls. I crave your touch. The fire that lights me up when you touch me. The safety I feel, the love that I see. I crave it all.

Without it, I feel like I'm stumbling along, trying to make sense of the world. An alien in a strange place, blinded by darkness. You are the light for me. 

I was going through a guided lesson, and the questions were asked: "In 5 years, who are you with? What are you doing? What does your life look like?" I had a melt down. Because, envisioning a future without you was unthinkable. But envisioning a future with you was setting myself up to be disappointed. Not for any other reason than I don't know if you want me in your future anymore.

I loved you to begin with by accident, I couldn't tell you why it happened. But, now, I love you on purpose and without end. Even if it never is more than it is. I love you forever and for always. Happy Valentine's day. 

In which I get thrown for a loop- anxiety and magic

Let's start with the magic, because it's fun. 

Yesterday, my friend Jen wanted to hang out. I don't know her very well, but she doesn't have any friends in the area so I adopted her. She decided she wanted to take the train down to Winter Park, so I gave her two options. She missed both of them. haha so we were an hour later than planned. When we walked across the street from the train station, I saw a familiar figure in the window of the art gallery. David- my glass artist guy was there.  I had chosen to not go see him in St Pete the day before- and then ended up having to work anyhow, so it was a good thing I didn't go.  He hadn't told me that he would be in town. If we had come at our scheduled time, we wouldn't have seen him. The irony and the paths we had to take to get to that moment. Blows my mind. 

The anxiety, I opened a workbook that I bought, it's about healing your inner self, and I want to glean from it anything useful that I can find. 

It starts with meditation practices. I did not do any of the breath work, but skipped ahead to the questions.

When you envision your future self:

How do you feel?
What are you doing?
What are you thinking?
Who are you spending time with?
Where and with whom are you living?
What are you most proud of?
What do you do to financially support yourself?
How do you feel in your relationships (romantic and otherwise)?
What selfcare routines do you have?
How do you typically spend your day?

These questions are not okay in my current frame of mind. I don't want to think about my future. #1, because I'm getting old. #2 because I don't want to envision a life with Heath because it'll mean I'll miss him too much in the present. #3 because I don't want to envision a life without Heath because he is the sun, and I crave the sun. 

And yet, I got on another dating app Sunday to remind myself that there are still single people out there, and maybe, just maybe there would be one that would be interested in me. 

I dreamt last night about love. I dreamt that Heath had married an old wealthy woman. I dreamt that I was starting a life with a guy whose name I don't even remember- he was a regular at the station.  I was disappointed with Heath, but I was happy with that guy. 

My heart. 

Goodbye

 I told him goodbye, or rather, I asked him if it was goodbye. I always put the ball in his court. Maybe it's so I don't feel like I'm giving up on him, I'm letting him make that choice. 

I downloaded Bumble this morning just to see if I could find someone that at least wants to talk to me. 

New year- start again, right? 

new year

 It's another new year. This will be the year I turn 38. sigh. How did this happen? In my brain I'm still 28. Which is odd, because growing up I always felt then like I was 28. I guess maybe that happens to everyone. We're a certain age in our heads, at some point we reach that age, and then surpass it. 

Heath didn't come home until Christmas Eve. I went over there and spent the night with him. We laughed and talked. A little bit about the silence, but not much. He's been home for more than a week now and I haven't heard from him again since. Guessing he's on a major bender.  I can't. I just can't. I need to tell him goodbye for good.  This is shit. And somehow it's getting shittier. 

It's not that I have time to date. I really don't, but I miss having someone interested in me and my life. Oh well.