losing

I worry. I worry about losing my way. I worry about making the wrong choices. I worry that I'll unintentionally hurt someone, because I'm too focused on myself to see the repercussions.


It must've been last year, last year before I left for Louisiana, some guys came into the Dunes- I was bar-tending/managing that evening, and these guys were a bachelor party. Well, the oldest of the bunch gave me his number, so that I could come meet up with them after I got off work. To which I agreed, because I was having so much fun with them all. Well, ever since then, this guy has kept in contact with me. He's 50.  Today he informed me that he's coming down to the beach, not this coming, but next weekend. That's all well and good- I won't mind seeing him again. But, goddamnit. He also said that he hopes he can persuade me to stay in the area instead of leaving again.
It made me cringe.
I've always just wanted someone to ask me to stay. But not him. Why is this always the way? Always the ones I don't want are the ones that make an effort.

I know what I need from a relationship and a man. Yet still I play with fire, because the one I need doesn't exist, and these other ones have aspects- but not the full package. So it happens- they fall in love with the idea of me, and then I have to shatter their dreams, because it can never be.

I've been talking to Brent every day for the past almost 2 months now. Why? There's so much we disagree on. The styles of our lives don't match. I know I bring a magic to his life that he'd lost or forgotten was possible. I know for me, he brings companionship that was lacking.  I am kind to him, because I enjoy the fact I make a difference in his life. I like showing love. But where is it heading? There's only heartbreak at the end of this road. I know it, I see it plainly- but I do nothing about it, because in the moment all is well.  How can I be so selfish? 

This is why I feel like I'm losing my way.

Today I just feel broken inside.
Today I don't know which end is up.
Today I miss him with a fierce intensity.

And I know there is no happy ending.

Florida and Hurricanes

There's so much to tell, and not enough ways. I left Louisiana- which was surprisingly difficult. I stopped to see old friends in near Destin, but it turns out that they are so incredible poor they don't have enough money for food most weeks. So heartbreaking. I took them out to eat. When I got here everything was in an uproar. Hurricane Irma was on the way. Who knows where she will make landfall, or if she would make landfall. Not only that, but come to find out Eve's "husband" has a tendency to go MIA. - Who woulda thought that he would do that yesterday and today, just before the hurricane hits florida? His "wife" and child are here alone. Crazy. I made friends with an old lady at the store- it turns out she has no one around. When I insisted that she take my number she legit started crying and said that she's not used to anyone caring. What?!?!?! Heartbreaking. My friend Carol lives about 15 miles south on her sailboat. She's under mandatory evacuation, but- she's not able leave because she has no car. She was preparing just to leave with only the things she could carry. What the hell. So, I'm going to go get her, and bring her up here. From here we'll decide what to do. We'll either leave first thing in the morning, (which I doubt) or, we'll wait out the storm and see what happens. There's a big chance that I will be bringing Eve home to Louisiana with me. We'll see how the storm plays out.