losing

I worry. I worry about losing my way. I worry about making the wrong choices. I worry that I'll unintentionally hurt someone, because I'm too focused on myself to see the repercussions.


It must've been last year, last year before I left for Louisiana, some guys came into the Dunes- I was bar-tending/managing that evening, and these guys were a bachelor party. Well, the oldest of the bunch gave me his number, so that I could come meet up with them after I got off work. To which I agreed, because I was having so much fun with them all. Well, ever since then, this guy has kept in contact with me. He's 50.  Today he informed me that he's coming down to the beach, not this coming, but next weekend. That's all well and good- I won't mind seeing him again. But, goddamnit. He also said that he hopes he can persuade me to stay in the area instead of leaving again.
It made me cringe.
I've always just wanted someone to ask me to stay. But not him. Why is this always the way? Always the ones I don't want are the ones that make an effort.

I know what I need from a relationship and a man. Yet still I play with fire, because the one I need doesn't exist, and these other ones have aspects- but not the full package. So it happens- they fall in love with the idea of me, and then I have to shatter their dreams, because it can never be.

I've been talking to Brent every day for the past almost 2 months now. Why? There's so much we disagree on. The styles of our lives don't match. I know I bring a magic to his life that he'd lost or forgotten was possible. I know for me, he brings companionship that was lacking.  I am kind to him, because I enjoy the fact I make a difference in his life. I like showing love. But where is it heading? There's only heartbreak at the end of this road. I know it, I see it plainly- but I do nothing about it, because in the moment all is well.  How can I be so selfish? 

This is why I feel like I'm losing my way.

Today I just feel broken inside.
Today I don't know which end is up.
Today I miss him with a fierce intensity.

And I know there is no happy ending.