ups and downs

Christmas and Christmas eve were great, for the most part, singing with the choirs, dressing up, finding community with strangers- all really nice. However, some how I still cried yesterday.  It had been awhile since there was legit pain and tears. I guess it had been ramping up to that though. The issue I'm having  with my brother is just making things that much worse. The thoughts of "the people I love most, hate me."  I don't want to stay in love with a memory.
I went to the morning mass this morning, simply because I woke up, and assumed it meant I was to go. So I went. The priest talked about Stephan the martyr, and the mantra was "into thy hands I commend my spirit" and "you shall be hated by all nations for my names sake".
What a thing to tie into my life.
I don't handle it well.
Love is just  so natural to me. Why and how can you hate? How can you hold something against someone for any period of time? 
How could God use one person to teach me what it feels like to be loved, and also what it feels like to be hated?

So I started reading Job again today to apply it to my life. I know I'm incredibly blessed. I know God's favor shines bright on me.  Yet, still I have a hole carved out and defaced on my heart, and I don't know how to fix it.

Holiday season

I went home to the beach for a few days last week, totally surprising the family. They enjoyed the visit, and we had fun. I was surprisingly happy to come back to Louisiana. For all that I have complained about it, I like who I am here. I like the freedom not to live up to anyone's expectations, I like being able to surround myself with all things God when I'm not working, and sometimes when I am. Which sounds intense, but it's just where I'm at right now.  Striving to be better and learn, and be who I'm created to be.
I still worry about making enough money at work, I don't want to work as much as I do for as little as I make. But they need me. So we'll see.


I'm fixing to go sing in the choir for Christmas eve mass. Last year I was singing with Micah in front of our church. It was amazing. I listened to one of the videos I took of him singing last year, and I caught back a sob. 3 months later, there's still a crater.

I was thinking about love, how can you love someone when you don't know them anymore? At that point do you simply love a memory or do you actually still love them?  Even in reference to my brothers that I haven't seen or talked to in a while. I don't know the answer to that question.

I know there will be a part of me that doesn't stop loving, ever. I love Ricky, I love Ayyoub, I love Luke, and even Mike... do I want to be in a relationship with them? No... but I still love them.

The new year is coming.

At peace

I suddenly find myself at peace. With hope, and joy.
What a struggle it's been to get here.

The God I know is one of miracles, and I am simply going to walk in His calling- who knows what tomorrow brings.


I started writing something about the darkness that is rising in humans, that is taking over the world. The Dali Lama has been saying it for a long time in the present age. Compassion is ending. When compassion and the ability to view things from another perspective leaves you, you are left susceptible to hatred, selfishness, pride and fear.  Why are negative emotions ruling society?

Love wins.

In Everything Give Thanks

I've been right on the fringe lately of some sort of self discovery. It's not there yet, but it's getting there. I know it has to do with purpose in life and contentment. I'm not there yet.

Without anyone to stretch my brain or challenge me, I fall in a rut. It's easier to not worry about changing myself and growing.

Today as we all celebrate thanksgiving, I felt like it was important to name the things I am most thankful for. To adjust my focus.

I am thankful for life.  In all the ups and downs that it provides. In the chaos and the order. There is just that little nugget of wonder and joy just in the mere fact of being alive.

I am thankful for this journey of mine. Looking at the roads I've taken to get me thus far, there is not a road I wish I hadn't taken. They have all led me to where I am now, with more understanding, more compassion-
I know the person I could easily become, and I know that I have the moral fiber to remain faithful to the straight path- despite it all.

I am thankful for all of the people that remain in my life throughout the years. The ones that stay even after I move. I appreciate the effort they make, because I know how many have not. But even those, I am thankful for the memories of the time they were in my life.

I am thankful for the magic that is my life. The random conversations, the coincidences, the random hearts, the laughter, the joy- the ability to show love in all that I am.

I am thankful I have a cute little house, a car that hasn't broken yet, food in the refrigerator, and a family that loves me.

The sun is shining, and there is magic.

Thanksgiving week

As I prepare for the week- I bought myself a little turkey, and then stuff to make myself a small thanksgiving dinner. This will be the first time I've ever done thanksgiving alone- there have either been friends or family around. 
I don't mind so much, what I am struggling with was this time last year, I was arriving in Colorado.  Scared as shit, but deliriously happy.
I want to write out the memories, but I can't.  It's as though they're too precious.


I feel like I'm avoiding life right now with too much tv and reading.  My mind isn't being stretched. I'm not learning anything new. Simply filling my head with stories.

So magic isn't happening.

I can't escape the rut though, I mean, I could, I just don't know how. Or maybe I do- but defeat eats away at you.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be hoping for. I don't know what life to live. I don't know how to live any of them.

My life in Louisiana

What does my life look like now?
I get up every morning between 7-8, I eat breakfast, I go to the gym every other day. I go to work from 10-2, I read or watch tv on my phone during the slow times. I come home between 2-5, I eat lunch/dinner and take a nap. I go back to work between 5-9. I come home again and watch tv until I go to sleep.
What a rotten existence.
It cannot continue. This is why I left to travel the world. The monotony kills my soul.

Am I having an effect on people's lives? Yeah, sure. But hardly.
What am I doing?

I've been going to a charismatic church on sunday mornings, but it's starting to wear on me. I'm not charismatic. I've been attending mass a couple times a week, just to better understand the catholic culture here. But it doesn't feed my soul either.

I still see random hearts all around me. I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm following. But goddamn it all. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to function, I don't know what steps to take. I don't know what to learn, or who to learn from. I don't know how to share, what to share, who to share with.

I am still plagued every night with dreams of Micah. I think about him every day. WHY?! 
I have said there is no one on the planet that I love more than him, it's not an exaggeration, it's simply is a stated fact. It simply is. Now that love is inaccessible, like he's dead, only not. So what do I do now?  I've never had anyone that close to me die, so I don't know how to grieve and get over it.
Even now, when I think of people that I know that have died, tears well up. I don't lose people very well.
I only like happily ever after stories, otherwise, re-write it. But this is out of my control, yet still I try to conceive how a happily ever after could come to be, but there's just nothing. It's as though I don't get one.

And so, onward I go, pretending to live.

I just want to go home

It's like a bad dream, yet I'm living it. I can't figure out how to wake up. It's like I'm existing going through the motions, and for a while it's okay, and then something else bad happens and I just can't. I want to go home. But where is home? It's gone. Home only existed for 3 months in 31 years.
I didn't realize how much it would hurt me when Micah's friends deleted me off facebook.

I dreamt about being needed and needing people last night.
"I can't need you. I need to only need God." he told me at one point- the beginning of the end.
It struck me as wrong but I couldn't put in to words why it was wrong, and how to prove it was wrong.
If we were not supposed to need anyone but God, he would not have made 2 of every kind.  Jesus himself needed more than just he and God, he had the 12 and hundreds of others. Did He take alone time to be with just God? Absolutely, we all need that to recenter ourselves. To be able to die to ourselves and let God flow through us.
But "I don't need you or anyone else." Actually blocks the flow of love.  Of course you can exist without anyone else, but it's one dimensional. Things have no meaning.



I want to sleep until I can wake up and this has all been a bad dream.  How long do I have to suffer, God? Why can't I have a home?  Why can't I be needed?

alien

We always used to joke about me being an alien. We made up stories involving who I was and what aliens did trying to fit in too normal society.

It's a good thing I'm an alien, humans can't exist without oxygen, yet here I am.

I miss him.
I know  he hates me now. I understand why he reacted the way he did. But somehow it doesn't make me love him less. There is a compassion there that seems unreasonable.
I dream about him every night so every morning he's on my mind. Which, I don't think is fair.
I don't understand God.

Processing

I realized it as I slept and dreamt last night- the reality of the truth of why the one I love has reacted the way he has. It's because I am the one he can take his anger out on. He can't take it out on Morgan, he can't take it out on his mother- so it erupted on me. Interestingly enough, the pattern of his and morgan's failed marriage ended in the same fashion he ended our friendship. With the notable exception of a child resulting from the last dalliance.
All of a sudden it was just over.
I begged to know why, but he wouldn't say.
I showed up at his dad's to get some answers. We talked through it all and left okay.
Then he heard some things from a 3rd party that wasn't true- and he shut down all communication.
Of course there were differences, but the pattern was there. A follow-through reaction from the pain body.
I refuse to be held captive by that. I don't have to react to his pain.
Am I at fault for any of it? Probably. But it was never intentional.
Therefore I forgive him, and myself.
And so it's time to move on. No more pain, no more hurt. Acknowledgement of reality. Disassociation with the painbody. Allow the Father's love simply to flow unchecked by human reactions.

birthday blues

I get them every year.  This year is the worst.
But this year I feel like the oxygen is gone from my life too. 

Trying to shake it off. But when the words haunt you, even in your sleep.... "What the fuck part of leave me alone do you not understand? .... This is my life and I no longer want you in it"

I feel like I'm existing, going through the motions, but with no air. How am I not dead?


And so, today I celebrate my birthday alone in a strange town and state. I'm making myself an awesome dinner with cheesecake for dessert. I will go through the motions. Maybe one day learn how to breathe again.

once upon a time

His stance was one of a cornered dog, bristling and menacing at first, but he saw she meant no harm, and his hackles went down. No, he could not come with her. She had searched him out, even though she knew she should just let him go. He knew that it was warm and comfortable with her, but the last time he lived in a house it exploded. He had been torn apart by the shrapnel, but still he had tried to save his mistress. In return, she beat him even in his bloody wounded state, as if the explosion had been his fault. He hadn't noticed her turning on the gas. She abandoned him in the streets of a strange town.
He roamed, beaten and kicked at every turn, still the wounds from the explosion festered.  One day a hand touched his back. It sent shivers down his spine. The kind hand belonged to one who offered him a bed, a healing touch and food. It was bright and warm near her, so he went inside. He couldn't relax. This house might explode too. The loving hand would one day strike, because he was a bad dog. He had let the other house explode. The panic grew too much, and he escaped out the back door. He heard her voice calling him, it was the voice he'd always dreamed of. But he couldn't. The light was blinding, he lived in the shadows. The warmth burned his skin.
She had wanted to bathe him and heal the wounds, but he couldn't let her. She deserved a purebred registered dog that had no scars, that worshipped the ground she walked on. One that would protect her from things that go bump in the night instead of a dirty, mangy, mangled stray who was afraid of exploding houses, light and warmth.
Every day she would leave food on the porch for him, and sometimes when she would sit out there, he'd watch from a distance. When he got really lonely he found himself on the porch with her. She was talking softly. She made him a bed outside hoping he'd stay since she wasn't asking him to come inside. In the morning he realized he'd caved again and darted off the porch. Never again, he swore.
This is your home, she whispered into the darkness. It will never explode. Time will heal your wounds if you stop licking them. I'll be right here. The door will always be open, and the light to guide you home, should you ever need it. He heard the voice, but kept running. Now was not the time.

alone

It's only been 2 weeks, yet it feels like forever.  I don't know why.

I'm struggling today. I think my subconscious is starting to feel alone. I had dreams last night of being alone. That it was my birthday, and I didn't even get phone calls from my family.
Last year I made one of my friends take me out to dinner, I had to ask him to, not that he minded, but still. I hate being alone on my birthday, and it'll be here in 2 weeks.

There's the part of me that says "it's another day since he stopped talking to me." and the other part says "it's another day closer to him talking to you again."
If you read all these posts, you'd think I was one of the silly girls who is a glutton for punishment, who doesn't let go and turn off like she should. I know. I think it every day. But like I said before, it seems wrong.

I am not, in fact miserable, though it may sound like it. I use this to process out feelings that I don't want to carry. I don't want to feel alone, or despairing, or sad- so I write out the feelings so they are released.


At least I work a lot. Doesn't leave time for adventuring, but that also means it doesn't leave time for thinking about the solitary existence I have in a strange new town.

wow

I was a hairs breadth away from giving up. I can't do this. There's too much pain. Spending time with his parents was great, yet terrible.  Memories were everywhere.
To top that off,  Micah shut off communication again. I was tormented by thoughts of "what did I do?" "how do I fix this?" "what does he need?" "how is this going to play out?"
The first shift at work was not impressive. How was I going to make this work?

So with the news between shifts that Micah needed us to not talk anymore, I died a bit. There was no one else who didn't think I was crazy for moving here. No support from my family or friends.  A resigned, "do what you're going to do" but with the underlying "you're crazy, I don't know what you're doing".

There was no way, I didn't know what to do.  I sat and stared at an atlas, looking for another place to go. There was literally nowhere. There was not a single place on that map I wanted to go.  I don't think that has ever happened ever.


I pulled in to work. A table had just sat down. I went to my boss, and told him there was something going on, and I was going to have to leave. I let him be under the impression that it was my dad, and I had to go home. Maybe I was going home, I didn't know. I told him I'd let him know, but I thought I could potentially be back on Friday, but if he wanted to fill my position, feel free to do so.


The  first table was ready, I would take care of them until my replacement came in to work. I go up to the table and get their orders, they ask me where I'm from and why I'm in Breaux Bridge.  I had heard them talking about God, so I knew I could answer truthfully. "God told me to move here, so I did."   They grew so excited. They wanted to hear my story, so I told them a brief outline, leaving out a lot of details. Nothing about Micah except that I had visited here with him, last year.
When I was done, one of the men said this, "God is telling me to tell you something. This doesn't happen very often, and I don't do it lightly. He said to tell you "Don't you dare give up Hope."" the man paused, "You moved here for a man. There will be restoration in that family, and don't give up hope."
....this guy knew nothing about the upheaval of Micah's family. He barely knew of Micah's existence.
Why did he say something about Hope? Why was that the key?

I left when my replacement showed up.
Holy shit. What just happened?!

I had texted Micah's dad when I first got to work. I needed some advice. He invited me to come over.  We talked for over an hour an a half, ranging from the crazy that is this house I'm staying in, to my car problems and future life plans.

I explained everything that was going on, the history even of how I met Micah, everything. His advice on that regard- let him go. Find someone better who can love you like you ought to be loved.  I told him that I would, if I could. And, that I can't. How it feels like I'm denying God's magic if I do.
He himself has never experienced God telling him things in the same fashion as I was explaining it. So he tends to dismiss it out of hand. I appreciate everything he told me, looking at things from different points of view is invaluable to making a legit decision.

And so I stay. I will not give up. I will not cease to hope. There is magic. There is restoration.  The only thing I am allowed to do is show Jesus in all that I am.

I tried

I tried to write our story again. The one from past lives. I failed. It made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
How can you forget and dismiss the magic that once was?
Do you remember the laughter of the beginning?
Do you remember telling me that it was though my voice was made for you?
Do you remember laughing about our horoscope compatibilities? they were perfect.
Do you remember knowing that I was at one point or another, your other half?

Why did you have to let your head get in the way?  Why did you have to reject out of hand what could be?  Why did you have to build the wall to not need me?  Why did you have to decide that I was no longer a safe spot?

I have never wanted to keep you from God. I've only nurtured that relationship as best I know how. I want you to be the absolute best you can be.
I hate that I feel like you are my person, that it was decreed before the beginning of time. I hate that I feel like if I shut you out completely I deny the magic. I hate that any other guy feels like settling for seconds.

And I will never tell you this. Because that is not what love does. You don't need to be guilted.  I just struggle at times to understand. I didn't mean to be selfish the other day, when I disobeyed your express wish to not be told anything that went on in this house. Why couldn't you understand that I was freaked out?  I wasn't trying to draw you in to the drama that lives here, it was just supernatural and freaky.
I don't have peace about this move yet because I'm still on the fence. I'm still fighting God every moment of every day.
He's brought opportunities and conversations to be- that I know they are part of why I'm here. But, do I have to stay? Can that be my contribution, and now I can go?
Being with your parents keeps the heartache fresh. I don't want to live in heartache.
My only choice is to forget, and shut off my heart.
But that's not what Jesus does. He loves.
How can I?

and so it continues

I got a job. I start on Tuesday. It's pretty funny, they posted an ad and within a half hour I was there to apply. The guy was basically blown away by my credentials, he has no idea what he's doing. I don't see this a being a long term gig for me, but it's a start. I'll be the only server, which means once business is rocking, I'll be stressed. He's closed on Monday's so I'll always have that day off, but he is open from 10:30-9 every other day, and if I'm the only server, that works out to 66 hours a week. I'm not okay with that. Even if I was to take a break between 2-5, that still leaves me at 48. I DON'T WANT TO WORK THAT MUCH!  I'm tired. So that's why I don't think this will be a long term thing for me. I need to figure out what else to do. Looking into becoming a disaster relief coordinator, which sounds like something I'd be good at. I just don't really know where to start and what qualifications need to happen.

I cried a lot yesterday, even with the whole getting a job thing. And his dad was super nice to me, saying that I shouldn't pay attention to what other people say.  Basically feels like a grieving process.
I swear that picture just broke my heart. Even now just thinking about it, everything gets tight inside.
He shot me down so hard yesterday in regards to his mother. Said he didn't want to hear about anything that was going on here in this house or with her. I said okay, but, I had one of the most stressful situations of my life last night. And I had to tell him. Because I broke the promise- he's not responded.  There's no winning for losing.
There is a malevolent presence in this house. It's name is Beau Valiant or something like that. I don't know why I know this. It thinks the night is his domain, and dreams are his playground.  I woke up from nightmares 3 times last night... The first time, I didn't recognize it as a presence, but I was able to wake up. The second, I felt it, and the third I banished it. I didn't know if it would stay banished though. I told it that it had no power over me, to depart. And the fingers grasping and scratching at me receded.   The name of Jesus had the power to dispel it.   So I was able to wake up, trembling. I wasn't scared so much as exhausted. I wasn't sure about going back to sleep.  I didn't want to tell Danette, if she knew such a presence was here in her house- the ramifications. Better to be in ignorance. I will simply tell her how it fight it in an off hand manner.  Or maybe I can dispel it completely. I know in what corner it lives. And I KNOW how crazy this sounds. It sounds so paranoid and fanciful. But damn it all. I can sense it now, even awake.

His dad is over here today changing his mom's tire. She broke down on the interstate last night. Blew the one tire and then the spare too.

And so it goes.

hope and despair

I spent a pretty awesome couple of days with Micah on my way to Louisiana. He was happy to see me, he fixed my car. We laughed. He taught me how to shoot guns, (I felt like a redneck.) I met his new best friend and hung out with them.  Had dizzying sex the first night.
But the last day, we had to talk about where we stood. About his issues. About who I am to him.
The results weren't completely clear. The negatives were astronomical. Back when we were together, he said holding my hand didn't feel right. He said that the chances of him being with me in 10 years is the same as any other girl in longview. So, my odds aren't better than anyone elses'.   He said chances are, he's going have more lessons to learn as in, going to have to date more people to learn what he needs to learn. He said that I am no longer a safe spot for him.  He said that chances are when he visits Louisiana he won't be visiting me, and he won't even tell me he's in town. Simply because of the stress it brings to him to even see his family.  

How can that not kill ones soul? What kind of a girl can hear that and keep going?

There were positives, he loves me- more than his mother, which isn't actually saying much. He would like it if the things God has told me were true, because he does love me, and thinks I'm amazing and sexy, and awesome.

He thinks I'm a glutton for punishment, that it's unhealthy for me to be even his friend, given the way I feel about him.

I drove away from him for the first time without an intense hug goodbye, just a casual one. I was proud of myself, I wasn't in despair of leaving the one I loved. I didn't feel like I was being exiled from home again. I was okay.  God said "trust me" who knows what that means, this couldn't possibly work.  But okay.
I pull out my phone to get directions. Somehow my butt had opened archived photos, and the one that was open was a picture of our shadows and he was kissing me.  I've never posted that photo, but I love it.  I lost it. I couldn't stop sobbing.
And the radio was playing a song about keeping hoping.
Even when he and I were talking I looked at the wall beyond him, and in the spakel, there was the shape of a heart.

It's like at every turn God says "HOPE" and "TRUST ME" and "LOVE like I love". The first adventure was love, the second added "trust me" and the third has now added "Hope" to the lessons I am learning.  I don't see how. I don't see hope.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know where I'll work. I don't know what to do. I don't even have a plan for what to get accomplished today.

that's not the point

And then I get told, "It's not about it working. It's about the things you learn."
I opened my book  "the importance of being foolish" and read the following "The love of Jesus for Peter lay in his complete and unconditional acceptance of him. We who so automatically place conditions on our love (“If you really loved me you would …”) fail to see that this is an exchange, not unconditional love. (We tack on one of our addictions to finish the sentence.)"
In my quest to become more like Jesus, I tend to leave out the hardships.

How many times has Jesus had unrequited love?
Does he yet ever shower us with unconditional love?
"Love, as Christ loved the church." It's not about what you get in return, it's about what you give.
And as usual, I failed.

It can't work

As time goes by, why it can't ever work out becomes more and more obvious. It was obvious from the get go, but I ignored it.
I think it's just becoming more obvious how out of love you have fallen. I'm no longer the first person you tell things to. My ranking on people you care about has fallen.
I am supposed to see you in 2 days. You're going to fix my car for me, because I asked you to.  You know how hard it is for me to accept help from anyone, let alone ask for help?  I told you I was feeling insecure about imposing on you, and you didn't say I wasn't, you just said okay. That doesn't reassure, that only acknowledges that I am being a girl. I'm frustrated enough with myself for feeling like this, and I feel your frustration from beyond. You are the one who broke up with me. I get to be insecure about you.

You acknowledge after the fact how frustrated you get when I tell you how stressed I can get over the things I am going through, simply because they're not as bad as yours. Yours is bad, and I feel your pain. Don't you know what affects you, affects me? And how hard it is for me, because not only can I not help... but you don't talk through things, you bottle them up, completely the opposite of me. So I have to understand, and support behavior that is foreign with my hands tied. Not only do I have to simply trust where my life is concerned, but yours too, because I can't do anything. I am not allowed to do anything.

You refuse grace and honor to those you feel don't deserve it. Where is Jesus in that? People are a mess. But you either love them more than yourself, or you don't.

I know there is so much more to you. I know the love you carry inside, but you let your head get in the way.  You've grown so much in some ways, and in some you've grown and then retreated, and others you've stayed the same.
I don't feel it is my place to point out the bad things, your own head gives you enough despair, so I have simply encouraged and pointed out the good things, to help you fight the demons in your head.

But what about my demons? You scoff at them because they're tiny and insignificant. But I built a wall, a huge wall that keeps the demons like yours away. But the little ones, they get through the cracks and torment me. You have a large unbeatable looking foe, whereas I have tiny invisible ones, that I don't even see attacking until there are marks. Both can kill the soul.

I tell you how much I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate the person you inspire me to be. I appreciate the impact you have on my life.
You know exactly where you stand with me.

I have no idea where I stand with you. As a chameleon, I'm very concerned about who I am to people. So I can adjust my image. But with you, I have allowed only my true colors to be seen, but I don't know what those colors even look like. And you never tell me.
Am I nobody? Am I somebody? Am I insignificant? Or is there meaning?


Why must I trust?

My Path

I woke up thinking about my life, and how other people seem to view it.
I drove to work, as I sat at the red light, looking north there were clear blue skies, clouds faintly tinged pink with the sunrise. Looking south, the sky was black, a thunderstorm waiting to unleash its fury.  I turned south, driving into the darkness. My responsibilities lay in that direction,  yet my eye ever turned to the rearview mirror so I could see the blue behind me.

I know my life has been blessed with magic, but a part, maybe even a significant part of it is where I choose to focus.

Even as I sit here trying to write about it, my mind ever goes to the good things. I've never lost anyone in my family. I have no ties that are binding me. I am free to do whatever I want.
I don't have crazy stories of mayhem and despair because I have chosen not to live a life where such things are paramount. 
I have had a hand in destroying lives, due to selfishness on my part. I have said things that have wrecked people.

I have experienced poverty, I have had to deal with the loss of community, friends that abandon you, a father that suffers with bipolar and depression who nearly committed suicide. I had to read the letters he wrote. I was never a child, responsibility was a must at an early age. Anything I wanted I had to work for, my parents were never able to help, and usually required our help.
I've never been worth any effort for any guy.
I get hit on by old guys all the time and it makes me want to cry.

I don't know how to stay in one place. I don't know how to live without getting stuck in a rut. I don't know how to live without anxiety over the future and getting old.  I don't know how be the best I can be.  I don't know why I am never enough. I don't know why I love with all that I am, and expect it in return.

I know I am blessed beyond measure. But it's not easy. I fight for my magic. I choose the hard things to keep my magic alive.  I choose truth, justice, responsibility, faithfulness, and overwhelming love instead of anything less, even though less would be easier, simpler, and I would not be an alien.

foolish and fear

There are many things I do to avoid my brain. I watch tv, I work, I surround myself with people- not close friends, just people. This works until all of a sudden when I should be enjoying myself at the beach, I cannot relax- the anxiety level that has been underneath the surface finally bubbles to the top and I can't relax. There is no outlet. No one to talk to, just panic. I can't write it out, it's time for work, I'll just have to fake it.
So I went to work, it was slow enough that there were times where I could feel the panic growing up, tightening my throat. I would distract myself. I had sent a text out to Micah in a plea for release in some fashion, by just telling him I was doubting everything.
His response was just pray.  Which of course is all that he could say, but to my mind just exceedingly unhelpful. For me when there is just overwhelming doubt, praying doesn't solve it, not in the traditional sense. I have to rationalize. I have to write it out. I have to talk it out.
So, I was able to talk about some of my fears with the little old lady that hostess's for me at work.  She doesn't really know what to make of me, "Rebekkah, I've never known anyone like you." she says to me. "I know, I'm one-of-a-kind." I tell her. "It's okay."
As I was driving home as series of "trust me" songs were playing on the radio station. 
I made myself think.
"Okay, what is the core of why you're afraid?"
"I'm afraid of making a mistake."
"Okay, what is the worst that could happen?"
".... uh..... I have to come back? Or go somewhere else?"
"oh, you're right, that is terrible. I understand now why you're afraid."
"But it isn't just that, I mean, I'll have made a mistake! I have an image to live up to."
"...are you hearing yourself?!"

And so the conversation went.
Echoing in the back of my brain, "you need to read the rest of "The importance of being foolish" by brennan manning."  
So that is what I'm doing for the rest of the evening. Struggling to drown the chameleon and embrace the foolish.

Still more with dreams

In my dream I was back here on a visit. But it wasn't here like I know it, things were different. There was a girl who was pregnant that I knew as an acquaintance, she told me how she'd known I was back, a premonition, and she was glad!  I was vaguely surprised, I didn't really know her, so why?  I started to go on my way, but then looked back at her. She was on her knees, praying and sobbing, so I immediately turned around and went back to her and put my arm around her, asking her to tell me what was wrong.
She told me of her premonitions, they happened all the time, premonitions of death and disaster to the people around her, so she would warn people. But she lived in a constant state of fear.
"There was a constant theme in the Bible, "fear not" Jesus tells us this over and over again." I told her. "But, they might die!"  "So what? God uses everything for our good, even if it looks bad initially. This persons death might have a profound impact on another persons life, and changes the path they were on."
This conversation went on and on. The dream fast forwarded, maybe I came back to visit again, I'm not sure. "where is (that girl)?" I asked.  "She moved to Columbus. It was as though she just decided not to be afraid anymore."


The dream switched. I was back in France. I was standing next to Damien, the guy I met there. "Oh, you two look perfect together!" someone was gushing. I rested my head against his shoulder.
But, I knew this was the life I had chosen out of fear. I was too scared to trust God to move to Louisiana, I was too scared to trust what he'd said in regards to Micah. God was going to be wrong, so I had to be in control.  So my life was fine, but not extraordinary.

I woke up.
I scanned my facebook news feed. A woman I knew a couple years ago that lives here on the beach from church posted. She was telling how one year ago she and her husband sold their house because they needed to get out of debt. So they trusted God, the house sold and they had nowhere to live, but in the nick of time something opened up, and over the following year blessings rained down on them, and they are just finishing building their dream home.  Free from debt, all because they trusted God with something huge.

God knows at this time how terrified I am to trust him. I play it off that I'm not. But in my heart of hearts, I think he's got it all wrong.
So he reminds me in dreams, he reminds me awake "FEAR NOT'.

where?

Where are you from? is an age old question one that I've never had an answer for. But, one that gets asked all the time. I dreamt about it the other day. "Here," I responded in the dream, I was dreaming I was in Texas. The ironic thing about Texas is that is where I was born, so I claim it more often than not.  But in the dream I felt at home. That is such a huge deal for me. Exiled for the forseeable future, I await the day where I can go home and stay. Nevermore to leave, except with return plans.

God damn I miss him so badly some days.

Why dreams?

I hate dreams. It's a make believe world that thrusts itself into your consciousness after you awaken.

My dream last night was that I was off adventuring, and I met someone I was flirting with... but then I stopped. I couldn't, even in my dreams.
There is a sense of despair, of why must I be in love forever? I don't know. It's crazy.

Today I told my father that I'm heading south after labor day. I'm going to explore a bit before picking. I'm going to go to San Antonio to see this school, I'm going to go to Galveston to see if that holds potential, and then I'll go to Lafayette. If I don't stay there, I'll head on to Florida. Who knows what lies ahead.

One step at a time. At this point I just need to get through the day. Today I have a party of 50, I have 2 kids that don't want to work anymore, and I have one that needs to leave early. I have the stress of making everything run smoothly... I clocked out with forty hours last night, and I still have at least 20 to go.

I'm tired.
Can I retire again now?

Processing

My trip abroad was awesome.
I met a lot of cool people. I saw lots of epic things. I was happy and sad, peaceful and stressed.
Did I come back to the states with a life changing experience? No... but maybe that was the point. I don't need to keep traveling, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. That being said, I'm going to move to Louisiana for the winter at least.  And then? I don't know. I still have to research that.  For some reason it's important that I go there for now.  The tricky thing, how to tell my dad. I think he guesses at this point, but actually having to admit it and the plan will be hard because he'll think I'm making a mistake.

I got back in the habit of talking to Micah like every day while I was over there, a return to the best friend status. My heart is ever in love with him, despite my head telling it no.  He's still not in a position that makes it in anyway a good idea. He's matured and made huge steps in healing and accepting love, but still has a way to go. Next month I will have known him for a year. It's kinda crazy. In some ways it feels like longer in others, shorter.
It feels like God ever says "trust me" when it comes to this. But my head tells my heart to protect itself, because there doesn't appear to be hope. The frustrating thing is, is that he has heard things from God, but in the end it turns out that he had only heard what he needed to for the moment in time to get him to where he needed to be.  But the things that I have followed with, while I might not know why or what the outcome will be, I haven't been wrong yet. But I feel like it's too dangerous to my heart to even say that.
When he told me all that time ago, "God told me to say this, I don't want to, but here it is, "I love you, Rebekkah."" And I freaked. Before God, that was serious.  I knew that this was it.
And I'm perfectly aware that it sounds crazy.
I know that I met two guys while I was gone that things could have gone somewhere with. But I couldn't. Not that they weren't attractive... they were, and I noticed. But they lacked future. If I bonded with them, or any of the other 3 guys here in the states that I know carry the touch for me, I would lose my magic.  None of them feeds my magic, they just appreciate it and consume it. Micah on the other hand, has his own magic and we build eachother up consistently.  He has the spark that is missing from everyone else. And I know that settling for someone else would snuff out the magic of my life.  But, what if it never works out?   It's a sobering thought, because I know that physically it's been 8 months and I'm dreaming every night. Emotionally, it's a roller coaster. Spiritually, it's the best thing ever.  And that is the most important.
The kicker is, he knows me, the parts of me I don't show anyone, the fragile, the needy, the insecure, everything that I don't want anyone to see. I have been completely transparent. So, I have no idea who he sees when he sees me. Unlike everyone else in the world, I know who they see when they see me. And that is terrifying.

So what am I doing? Where am I going?
I have no idea. God just keeps saying "Trust me".  So I walk without a plan, and wait for the signs.

Back in the States

I'm back. I made it through my last 3 weeks of international travel.
So much to think about, so much to write about.
But, I need to write tonight, not about my adventures, but about what is going to come now. What am I going to do?
Bobbie from the deli messaged me, since she saw that I was back and told me I could start tomorrow if I wanted to. Then I went in to the Dunes just to say hi, and the kids that were still there were ecstatic. They also begged me to start back there tomorrow.  I want to throw up.
I don't know what to do. I could stay for a couple weeks, but I don't have a bed. I'd have to sleep on the loveseat or on the recliner.
Should I just go and totally wing it again?
Am I really supposed to go to Louisiana?
I don't see the way. I don't know what to do.  And the pressure applied today by these people to come back to work doesn't help. It makes me want to run away. I love them, but I am not getting sucked in. But I do need money, so do I work for a few weeks? But still the problem of a bed. And the fact that it can't be long term anyhow, work runs out here the end of September.

I'm so lost.

The ongoing saga

How things change and how they stay ever the same.  I am now in Austria. Ireland was epic,  and Greece was perfect for my rest and relaxation.  It was the vacation part of this trip.  To be entirely honest,  it grows tedious.  I think mainly because I have left the English speaking countries behind.  Even just going to the grocery store is difficult,  because everything is in German.  Which would be translatable if I had a phone that worked, but it requires WiFi. For instance,  I bought the wrong kind of cheese today simply because I couldn't read it.
So, I think the long and short of it is,  I'm homesick.  I still have 2 and a half more weeks in countries that don't speak English.  Germany,  Hungary,  Romania,  and France.  Luckily I'll get a break from it all when I meet up with Carolyn and Matt, and Derek and Jina.

It's been great though.  Such an adventure,  meeting interesting people.  A reiteration to find joy in the process not the end result.

When I get back,  will you tell me to come home?  I'm sick of exile.

Leaving wales

Well, my 15 days in Wales are almost up. I leave here on Sunday.  I've been busy trying to play out my next steps ahead of time. Ran across a bit of an issue with the planes, they're very expensive to bring baggage along. And there carryon restrictions are a bit intense.  I'm having to get rid of all my camping/survival gear and slim down to bare minimums. Not that I wasn't already at bare minimums,  this is just even less. I bought my ticket back to the States.  I'll land at JFK in new york. That way I can go see Erikah in her new place before deciding on my next move. But that isn't for another  6 weeks, so I still have plenty of time to explore.
So Sunday I leave for Dublin,  I'll spend Monday Tuesday and most of Wednesday there before boarding a plane to London, I land around 11, & the fly out at 6am for Greece. Can't wait!
I'm not sure how long I'll be there,  my next date is in Munich where I'll see Carolyn and Matt. That should be like the 17th of July or so.
I fly out of Paris, so... there's still alot to see and experience.

My time here has been good, overall.  Pavel, my co-helper from Czech, we were able to immediately be fast friends.  I will be sorry to part ways on Sunday.

In other news,  David,  eve's brother,  had been emailing me every single day. To which I obviously respond,  just because it's nice having someone to talk to. It has been able to maintain a shallow nature, but I grow concerned that he's crushing hard. I don't currently possess any feelings at all. They've been locked away for months now. Occasionally they drip out, bit mostly just stuck in storage. I prefer them there, but I'll have to be careful,  I don't want to lead Dave on when I cannot have feelings.  Tricksy buggers.

And so the adventure continues.

From Wales

I am now in Wales.  An absolutely beautiful country.  There is a public coastline path that you can walk,  apparently the longest in the world,  or so they say.  :)
Life on the farm isn't boring.  He has alot of projects to do during the day,  and there is quality together time for the evening.  Last night I made them all do a puzzle.  It was hilarious.  No one wanted to,  but then they all got into it.  I don't think I have done a puzzle since I was like 10.  I really enjoy making people do kid stuff. Being an adult all the time is boring.
Speaking of that,  Eve's brother Dave,  has in fact been sending me emails.  I laughed aloud several times as I read the one he wrote me today.  The other girl here looked at me funny.  Oh well.  :p
I've had some good conversation with Micah.  The day I boarded the plane he called to talk.  He told me that he's slidden backwards when it comes to getting over Morgan.  He apologized for telling me about it,  but as I told him,  it doesn't hurt me any more.  I don't really know why.  I think it has to do with the trust issue.  God said "trust me". I fought it for a long time because I don't see how it will work out.  There is literally nothing I can do about it.  I am to concentrate on my life.  Whatever happens will happen.  For me there is no one else I love more.  There is  no-one else I want to share life with.  But I also know now is not the time,  and so life goes on.
On that note,  there is a guy here,  that looks so. Much.  Like Micah.  Complete with the beard and shaved head.  Just like a half inch shorter,  a little different face,  and a foreign accent. Haha. Crazy.
It's probably time for dinner,  so I should check on that.

On it goes

So much has occurred over the past two weeks or more since I last wrote. My sister's wedding was a success.  It was so much fun. My brothers are hysterical and made the night come alive. Ended up making friends with the groomsmen,  Jessy was hilarious and so much fun. Lance may have been a little interested in some night time action, but he was drinking and I wasn't.
Finished up what I could help with and went on my merry way Monday morning.  I hit the 200,000 mile point on my car on the way to the airport. Crazy.

The preparation for eve's wedding was a bit hectic.  We didn't realize how long it would take to string the hanging paper flowers and figure out how to hang the mosquito netting.  But her best friend Carolyn was there also with her boyfriend and they helped so much.  I had so much fun with them.
They're going to be in Germany in July and want to meet up,  which would be epic.
Eve's brother Dave decided that I was the perfect candidate to hit on... which was fun. My first impressions of him were not super favorable.  He was trying too hard to be cool.  Wasn't very helpful.  But by the end,  he was working hard,  and taking care of his mother.  Which was good.  Apparently he asked eve for my email address yesterday,  so I'm curious where he plans to take this.
I left there early Sunday morning to get to church in cripple creek on time.  I wanted to say goodbye to all of my friends there.
I ended up staying with Gary and cheryl for the evening,  and had the most epic conversation.  Telling them the stories of my life.  Telling them the things I am learning when it comes to love,  trust,  and visions for the future.  Getting their feedback,  and hearing stories of their lives.  I can't even tell you how incredible it has been.

Today I am going on an adventure date with Cheryl,  Donna and Tracy.  I can't wait.  These women are all 15-25 years older than me,  but are so awesome.

Tomorrow I leave the country.  Sigh.  It's finally time.  It's happening.  How crazy is my life fixing to be.

maid of horror...honor

So as the maid of honor in my sisters' wedding- I legit have no idea what I'm going to say for the speech.

It's so easy to come up with things for my friends, but for my sister?! Where do you start? I haven't the slightest.

I just don't know. Things are winding up to the conclusion of the weekend with the wedding on Sunday. The friends and relatives start arriving tomorrow. That'll be fun. I can't wait to see my brothers that have been in Seattle. I miss them.

Got my book today to tell me how to do the coast to coast walk. So that's exciting.

lack of bravery

As I tried to go to sleep last night, my mind wouldn't calm. I wanted to text him and ask him to call me, so that he would calm me down. But, you know how I said yesterday that I have the opposite emotions/reactions of the people around me? Not with him. I mirror his. To an extent. But, he was having a bad day yesterday, I could tell, so my mind was out of control.
Everyone is like "you're so brave! Going across the world by yourself, I couldn't do it!"
Goddamnit. I'm scared. I doing it anyhow. And I really want a hug and to be told that everything will be ok. But, instead everyone is fearing for my safety.
My head knows I'll be fine, but there's a bit of panic there too. The holy shit, what am I getting myself into, thought.
But to everyone I have to portray the "No worries, everything will be fine." Because they need the reassurance.

Where's that trust? Eh, off to the side. It's there, still visible. So why do I feel the need for reassurance?

sigh

and the next week

Emotions sorta spiraled out of control. The adrenaline of leaving, seeing people, everything, sorta crashed as I got to Eve's. It didn't help that I had massive back pain the whole time. I must've kinked my back while driving, by the time I got to her house it had gotten so bad that it was hard for me to sit at all without being in excruciating pain.- and it lasted several days.  I was trying to sort through the emotions of seeing the boy, being back in our home town- but without him. It was just a lot to handle.
Even now I'm still trying to regain my equilibrium. I'm not sure where center is. Need to find the not too much, not too little area.
If I think about leaving the country, which I am set to do in like 2 weeks... I start freaking out. What the hell am I thinking, how is it going to work? But driving through the heartland full of people- that are just working to survive. I am defying social norms, and setting out. It sounds cool and rebellious. But it's scary as shit.

I know I'm am supposed to go. And it's going to be great.

I can't even write out the rest of my issue with going- that's how ridiculous it is. Time .... it's a tricky bugger. Along with it's cousin, Serendipity. Between the two of them, they've made my life so topsy turvvy.

Discovering that in my chameleon-like nature I tend to adapt my moods/reactions to be the opposite of those around me to provide balance. Not all the time, but especially if it's regarding something I deem important. Sigh. Why can't I just be perfect? :-p

Sunday

It really was a wonderful day. There was so much excitement that I was there at the church, there was so much love. I swear the pastor hugged me like 4 times. "It's so nice to see your smiling face!"
I wasn't able to talk to him as deeply as I wanted to. I wanted to tell him all about this journey of trust I've been on. But, I made him promise to save time for me when I'm back on the 5th.
Going to the care center was the most heart wrenching thing ever. They remembered me. They missed me, they asked where I'd been. I was only around them for like 8 weeks, and then gone for 4 months. I don't know how. Am I that memorable? This one old man who never came to church in the care center, but I would always say hi to, he wouldn't let go of my hand. And gave me a couple hugs from his wheel chair, and told me he loved me, and to not stay gone. He missed me.  The thing is, he has almost no brain left, and he remembered me. He lit up when he saw me. I just wanted to cry. It was so crazy.
Bob of course asked me to marry him like he always did. Tammy asked about Micah, so I showed her pictures of Caleb. They remember so much more than we ever gave them credit for. Teresa was in way worse shape than the last time I'd seen her, she's wearing a helmet now. So sad.

I finally said goodbye to everyone, promising to see them all in 3 weeks. And I hit the road for Eve's house. It's a little over 4 hours away, but an absolutely stunning drive. So epic.  If I was homesteading, I would choose to live out there. It's 50 miles from everything, but so absolutely breathtaking.

Seeing Micah, and then going back to our home was a bit rough. I'm still reeling. Just because it would be so easy to resume where we left off. I just want to talk to him all the time, I want to tell him everything. But I can't. It's too much right now. So I step back again. Into thy hands I commend my spirit.

random notes on my adventures

So while I was in Florida I met up with Jamie Luke, he's an older English gentleman. I met him a couple years ago when I worked at the bagel place. Anyway, we've stayed in contact over the years, he'll actually be back in England when I'm there, and hopes to meet up. Well! He told Jennifer and I as we ate lunch with him on Monday, that he has no heirs, and if that stays the same, he's going to leave his stuff to us. How weird is that? It boggles the mind.

As I drove through the western panhandle of texas, I stopped at a gas station. I was cleaning the bugs off my windshield as a truck pulled up next to me. I thought nothing of it, really, until later down the road when that same truck passed me. In the hours that passed, we played leap frog, until we got to the split off where I-25 goes north. I went north, and he continued on into Renton NM. So I said to myself, guess that's where he was headed. Probably 20 minutes later, I see him fly around the curve behind me, and pass me. I laughed. Well, not much longer he decides to give me his phone number by writing it on paper and putting it in the window. I text him. We text for the next 2 hours, he's headed to Colorado Springs on a whim from south west texas. He asks me to let him buy me dinner, just for the company. I hesitate, but then I agree. It's a great story. Dinner with a stranger, not a date, just asking for company, so I agreed. He's young, early 20's, an industrial electrician- hoping to get sent up to Alaska for a job that makes $68 dollars an hour, plus $200 a day stipend for room and board. Sounds like a pretty nice job.  We enjoy our dinner and head off our separate ways.

I go to worship practice Saturday morning at the church. The surprise, the delight, and the love was overwhelming. Marv asked me to say a few words at the care center when we go a little later on today. Everyone asked about Micah. They miss him and love him so much, it's endearing. Gary pulled me aside. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "No, of course not."  "Are you still in love?" "Oh, 100%. I can't seem to stop." he nods happily. "But now is not the time for it, and I can't focus on it. We have to do life apart right now." He nods again understandingly, but you can tell he's just delighted. I sigh inside. Oh well.

Adventures

So I haven't said anything in a while, but that's because I've  been adventuring. Last week I retired temporarily again, and left for Florida to try to get my car title. It didn't pan out. I was unable to get it, so that means it was a waste of a trip. However!  I got to see almost all of my best friends down there, from the police officers and firefighters to Lauren and CJ- and all others in between.
Probably the most memorable conversation was with Heather. I had worked with her for probably 4 months at Deerfield café, I'm not usually friends with the people I work with, but before I moved away, she asked if I'd get coffee with her- so we exchanged life stories. We've kept in infrequent contact since then, but she noticed I was in town and asked if we could meet up.  She caught me up on her life, and I found out more about her. She's lived a really rough life, and her view of the world really reminds me of Micah's. "Life is shit." haha And they have good reasons for feeling the way they do. I don't know how I draw the people in my life that I do.
This need of mine to be needed, how do I fix that? Because that's how I adopt the people in my life that I do. They need me, I try to help them fix themselves, I show them my life and my views and the magic I possess. I don't know.

After I left florida, I made the 17 hour drive to Micah's new apartment in Texas. We'd done pretty well at not talking for a month. But the 2 days previous we had had 2, 15 minute phone conversations. As I drove scenarios would play in my head about what it would be like to see him again, but then I would stop myself. I couldn't project because I didn't want to be disappointed and I had no idea what to expect. A month of not talking = a month of change that you're not privy to.
But as I got there, and got hugged, worries were gone, and I was home again. Damnitalltohell.  Things were normal. He caught me up on most of the massive changes in his life. His son is changing him and growing him like nothing else. It's so awesome to see the man he is becoming.
This was a hands-off reunion besides the couple of hugs. I slept on the futon that night. When I woke up the next morning, I had a hard time holding back the tears. Why do I always have to drive away from this boy? It kills me.

Now I am here in Colorado- in the town where we lived. Hanging out with our friends. And I miss him. It's hard to be here without him.
I was walking down the street- the same street I was walking down the day I moved here. I hadn't seen him yet. He called me, he was walking down the same street, but staying out of sight and laughing about his ninja skills. When all of a sudden I saw him, and it was so funny, and he was so in love with me. And everything was right in the world.  And God damn, as I walked down the street again yesterday, it replayed in my mind, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I miss him so.
I know that where we are now, and what we're doing with our lives is what needs to happen. I have no regrets, every step has been important. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. But life goes on.

Oxymoronic

How can you be fine yet not at the same time.
I miss him desperately today.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's  about to be that time of the month.  Wherein emotions run stronger,  and feelings are dangerous.  Today on the way home from my 14 hour work day,  the lady at the gate told me she thought she smelled something weird coming from my car.  That would be just about right,  if it died just as I need it to leave.  She kept saying as I drove away "get your boyfriend to check it out!  Seriously get your boyfriend to smell it! " I just smiled and drove away.
I caught a whiff of something as I was parking,  but didn't smell it once I got out of the car.  And I don't have someone to check it out.
I got a new phone last week because my contract was finally up and everyone complained about not being able to hear me.  Some of my pictures got transferred,  most did not.  One that did is a picture of his smiling face,  the first one he ever sent me. .. And whenever I open the photo gallery,  it's right there.  Maybe I should delete it.  It makes me miss him,  or it makes me smile,  or it makes me sad, or it makes me happy . How does one photograph have all that?!
I don't feel broken anymore,  I don't even feel empty.  Life is good.  I just miss him. Oh well.

conversations of trust

The following was written while on the beach yesterday. I knew there was some angst that needed let out.

I am doing pretty great. Things are good. I leave in 11 days. I'm so excited to see people.
And I'm terrified. But I am trusting.

-----

There were so many reasons that Micah was a bad idea. I knew this when he first started crushing on me. I complained to my mother about his crush, explaining to her the reasons why we were not a good match. But then God said "trust me."
So, I acquiesced, and fell in love for keeps. I opened myself up completely, let myself be fully known. But then suddenly it all fell apart, and "trust" was no longer feasible.
"Why should I trust you, God? I fell in love, to what end?! In a blink of an eye it was over and done."
"Ah, but I didn't say what you were trusting me on. You assumed the end result."
 "But if you aren't clear- how can I trust? I don't know what you're getting me into!"
"And therein lies your lack of trust. You don't get to know. It's not trust if you know. So, we're going to exercise it some more. You're going to Europe."
"Oh, that sounds awesome. I'm good with that!
...How am I going to live when I get there? What will I eat? Where will I sleep? Will my backpack make it there?"
"Guess what?.... TRUST ME!"
"Holy shit, God! You can't be serious! I can't just go to a foreign country with nothing. No plans. No way to fend for myself!"
"Yes, yes you can, and you're going to have to let go and trust me."
"Dude. You're out of your mind."
"You're allowed to think so, but it will make it harder for you to trust me."
"Phooey. I can trust you. How many times have I done it before?!"
"Everytime. I am proud of you. So, why are you fighting me this time?"
"Because you said to love Micah, even though I knew it was a bad idea. And see how that turned out?!"
"Okay... how did that turn out? Is that story over? Are either of you dead?"
"No..."
"Okay, so once again you are assuming. Was it, or was it not the best experience of your life?"
"It totally was."
"Do you more fully comprehend Me, Love, and TRUST?"
"Yes, I do."
"Okay then. I am not in the wrong. You need to trust me. It might not turn out like you imagine but it will be the best thing ever."
"Into your hands I commend my spirit."

deep breaths

I did laundry today, and sorted my clothes. I made a pile of the clothes that I'm bringing on this roadtrip, and put away clothes that I won't need until next year. I also saved out the maybe's for the Britain trip. Currently it's too big of a pile, but once it gets closer to the date, I'll know more about what the weather will be like.
I'm so scared.
I'm scared  I don't have enough money saved. What will I eat, where will I sleep? How is this going to work? These things are not planned, I'm flying on a wing and a prayer. I simply don't know.  I start to imagine different scenarios, but then I feel my anxiety level skyrocketing.  "Into your hands I commend my spirit." I right my mind with those words. Deep breaths. I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing, how it will work out, but it will. Trust and believe, that is where the magic happens.

well that was interesting

Today is Patrick's birthday, you remember the story of Patrick, he's the boss' son at the Dunes, and has a severe crush on me when he's drunk. Not when he's sober, though. Well, maybe he does, but he doesn't show it unless he's drunk. Anyway. Last year he told me that he hates his birthdays, so I made it special for him, and he told me that it was his best birthday that he's ever had. This year, none of us were working, so I told him that if he wanted to hang out if he wasn't do anything, to call me. Well, he texted me today to tell me that he was going bowling with some friends and to come. So I went. They were a bit worse for the wear at that point, but it was fun. His friends were pretty hilarious.  But then as time wore on they kept drinking, and things started to not be fun anymore. They were getting unsteady, and speech was getting slurred. They asked me to drive them to another bar, to which I refused. They wanted me to stay and hang out, but that wasn't a good plan either. So I bailed on them.
Get out while the getting is good, basically.  It was getting uncomfortable. 4 guys drunkenly hitting on you can only be amusing for so long. But they were basically acting like it was a competition for my attention. haaaa
Exhausting.
Patrick told me that I was the sexiest woman he knows. Sigh. 2 more weeks and I'm out of here again. Can't wait.

hmmm

This is one of those moments where I feel like writing, but I'm not sure what to say. I usually write so that I can process and put my feelings into words instead of letting them stew around in my brain in a jumbled mess that I can't define.
But right now, right now, I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what to say.
I'm really good. I'm in a good state of mind. I'm happy, I've been enjoying the sun. Work has been fine. I have 18 more days until I leave, not that I'm counting or anything... :)
I'm excited about the my trip to Europe. I'm excited to have adventures. I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing, but we'll see how it goes!
I got bored of messing with the travel buddy. Too many lies, but I didn't feel like calling him out. Too much energy for no purpose.
I think he used another phone number to send a dirty pic. I got one from an unknown number, so I can only assume. I don't know anyone who would do that, otherwise. Crazy.

Even though we were supposed to be taking a month off from talking, I did talk to Micah today. I just wished him a happy 4-20, since I know it's important to him.  But then with his response came the idea that all was not okay in his world, so I asked. And it wasn't. So we talked a bit about it. But he didn't really want to talk about it, he's just in a black frame of mind. There's nothing that I can say that will help him get out of it, unless he wants to get out of it, so I'm letting him be. He knows I'm there for him if he wants it.
And I'm okay. Totally didn't mess with my head at all. Do I feel that overwhelming rush of love? Yes. Can't deny that. I do. But it's not mine- it's like a force of nature, something that simply is. So long as I don't try to control it and make it mine, it seems to be okay.

So, I like never read the Bible, right? Well, for some reason, I thought of Lamentations today after the talk with Micah. More specifically the lack of hope. Well, I hadn't probably read it in, I don't know, 15 years? But when I was a child, the first verse my parents had me memorize was Lamentations 3:24. "The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him."  The beginning part of the chapter is talking about how there is no hope, his happiness is gone. He is in the blackest of the black. But then this. It's pretty crazy.  Anyway. It's interesting the little pieces of ones childhood that just appear out of nowhere sometimes. I mean, I was like 4 when I learned that verse. Here it is, 26 almost 27 years later.

Anyway. that's enough random thoughts.

Investigations

Okay, so this is a funny, crazy, and possibly a little dangerous.
So, I'm on this website helpx.net basically hosts are looking for people to come help them on their farms around the world in exchange for room and board. Well, one of the things they offer is "companions" if you're looking for travel buddies. Well, some guy wrote to me off of there. And he sounds super sketchy. However, I'm playing along. I don't know why, I don't believe anything he's said to me. Not even his name. His picture is not of his face. His phone number is owned by someone in Georgia, even though it's a Pennsylvania number. The name associated with the number is a 60 year old man named Ehab Kamel. This person's name is supposed to be "Joseph M". He is supposed to be a corporate attorney who travels a lot for business, and is just looking to meet up with people while he's out and about. 
Could he yet be legit? Sure. However, I have no reason to believe him at this point. I google searched his profile picture and didn't come up with anything, which was a bummer.
He is talking already of meeting me here in the states first. He knows nothing about me, so no worries there. But still. I'm playing along at this point, because I don't understand what he's after.  Supposedly he went to Drexel University, and then northwestern law school. His mom is supposedly Italian and his dad is Indian. Supposedly he was born in London and moved to the states when he was 10.  He is supposedly 37.


I dreamt last night of a serial killer, but instead of killing me, kept killing everyone around me because I was hiding so well. These people would try to help me and would be shot through the head in front of me. Because he knew where I was, just couldn't get to me.  Finally at the end of the dream, I simply gave up and made a run for it, I couldn't bear for people to keep dying, and woke up before anything happened to me.


I don't even know. I may be enjoying myself a little too much with this. I love finding out who people really are.

steady as she goes

I have regained my equilibrium.
Am I still vacant? Yes, but not in a hurt sense. So, remember how my heart is like a beach bungalow? Well, I've adjusted to living alone again.
Do I miss him? I still think about him every day, so that answers that question. It's not the same as before with the ache and feeling of loss.
The other day God "told" me, that Micah had not learned self sufficiency yet, that was why it was important for him not to need me in his life. That he wouldn't learn to depend on himself/God with me there. When someone has to learn how to love themselves, the path of life is much different that the path of the ones like me who already do, perhaps too much.
But, I mean, there are moments that I still just ache, I'm not going to lie. I do get over it quickly.
I just work, and now I'm planning my adventures... I think I have about everything I'm going to need for my trip. Just have to work on international money, and international cellphone usage. I leave in 3 weeks for my 83 hour roadtrip around the states... it's going to be sketchy at best in my car, but we're going to wing it. I can't wait for Florida beaches. I want to swim! :)
There are so many friends to visit along the way. It's going to be awesome.

and the tide rolls on

I'm still vacant.
Today marks 5 days since I've received a text message from anyone. I don't have to make sure my phone is charged. I don't have to make sure I have it on me. I can leave it in the other room for hours, or out in the car, and it makes no difference.
I don't mind.
There are people that I should probably call, ones that don't make the first move, but they'll want to know about Micah- and I don't want to talk about it. It's hard to explain that someone loves you but doesn't at the same time. It's hard to explain that we decided that it would be best if we didn't talk for awhile. It's hard to explain how much you love someone, but cannot be in love with them. Everyone tells me to move on and find someone on my travels. Someone who can love me better. Someone who is healthy. Someone who wants and needs me and loves me. But I still can't even think about it. Realistically my head says yes, it's time to find someone else to distract- to prove that this was not the only love of your life. But my heart still cries no. He was the best. He has it in him, he just has to choose to love. Love himself, love people, acknowledge that God made us to be in relationship, and not alone- not necessarily in the love sense, but in general.
But maybe he won't ever learn that lesson. And where does that leave me? Heartbroken for the rest of my life?
Negative. I'm not playing that game.
That is why I can't talk to him for awhile. I need to not need him in my life, because him not needing me was keeping me heartbroken.
That's why I left in the first place.
God keeps saying trust me. The rules keep changing, but trust anyway. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be trusting.
That everything will work out the way that it's supposed to. That this is my story. The story of how I met him, how I fell in love, how I left, how much I learned- that is my story. He was just a character. The story of me is not one he'll ever tell. But, he's a story I will tell everyone, because it changed me. It developed me.

Time will make it all dissipate. I hope.  I love Ricky to this day, but there is not the ache in my throat. I love Ayyoub to this day, but I would avoid seeing him again. 
One day I will be able to say I love Micah- and I don't feel empty anymore.
When we talked on the phone he didn't say I love you. But it was obvious in his tone, in the things he said- that he cares. I never needed the words, I needed the actions. But he's had to close off- he can't act, it's too much. And I understand. And you know why I understand? Because of him. I've closed off to my friends and family- I can't talk. I need them to make the first move toward communication, because I can't.  So I understand.  But sacrifice is required- and we keep hurting eachother because we're too close to it right now. So this month of adjusting back to not being in eachothers lives I think will be important. It will either seal the deal of not wanting or needing to be in the others life, or it will be something else entirely. I can't even guess at an alternative.

over reaction

I tend to over react to things.
I'm definitely done as far as remaining in love goes. That's over. It's as though my heart and soul have shut off.
The over reaction comes in to play because he still has a Spanish cd I accidently left in a book, as well as the books. He's never going to read them, so I was inclined to just tell him to leave my stuff that he has, along with the pictures and stuff I left for him and I dispose of them for him, if he hadn't made himself do it yet. I'd pick them up from his dad's house as I passed through on my way to Colorado from Florida in May.
I had already planned on that route since it's supposed to be around his birthday. It'd been the plan since I left that I would surprise him from his birthday, since when we first started talking it had been the initial plan to spend his birthday with him.  But now that's off the table.
But, the thing is, that it is an over reaction. He'll throw them out when he's ready, if he hasn't already.  The books are a bummer, because I like them. But, oh well.

Now it's just the daily grind of work.
One day I'll learn how to love in the moments, instead of in a forever kind of way. But until then, I've turned my heart off.

the words of the end

"Sometimes we want what we want more than we want what we need, I'm not sure this is healthy for you."

It was with those words. I couldn't sleep again last night. The stress has my heart rate too high to relax. My brain wouldn't shut off.

Those words need to be said directly back to him. He wants her. She's not healthy. She makes him unhealthy.
But, that's his choice.
I'm tired of fighting. I hate conflict. I hate walls. I hate disharmony. If I'm not wanted or needed- I can't fight. It disarms me. And I stand there like the knight in Monty Python who tries to keep fighting even though his arms, legs, everything gets hacked off and gushing blood.
I want to keep fighting. Because I feel like it's important, but I have nothing. There is no reason for him to be friends with me. The things I brought to his life before, don't apply anymore.

And there goes that

I believe Micah ended our friendship today. Blaming it on me, actually, because supposedly it isn't healthy for me. *shrugs* Pretty sure that was supposed to be my call.
I hate that we have talked about our lack of relationship every talk for the last few weeks. I didn't want to. I don't want to. I know it's not there. But I was loosing my friend, and didn't know what to do or what to say. And now I have lost him. I'm kind of just numb about it.  I told my sister what happened today and was able to just say, "oh well." There was no tears, it was just matter of fact. I feel like my old self. The one with no feelings.
I will hate not having him in my life, there's no doubt about that. His perspective on things helped me see things differently.
I'm kind of just at a loss at this point.
It's ironic, I said two weeks ago, "we're closer than we've ever been" to today, it's gone.
I don't have words. All I can say is "I don't even know." I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what I'm thinking, nor do I know what I should be thinking for feeling. There's just loss and emptiness- and just numb. No grief, just vacant.

that moment

when they won't hold back, and just cascade down your cheeks.
I've been incredibly productive and hanging on by a thread kind of day today. First thing this morning I got a phone call from my Florida insurance agent because they wanted to tell me that they can't change my address to up here in NC, Florida and NC car insurances just don't mesh. "I'll take care of it." I tell them calmly. Internally I freak out. How am I going to change my car insurance without a copy of the title to prove that I'm not under a lien anymore? I don't even have proof of address for here. What am I going to do?
I call the bankruptcy lawyers, maybe their phone will be turned back on, and they will have some answers for me as far as getting my title.
The girl looks it up again. She says since the bank won't send it to me, and the DMV doesn't list it as under lien, technically I should be able to go to the DMV and request a duplicate copy stating that it was lost in transit.
Well, that's potentially good news. However, that means that I'll have to go to the Broward county DMV. I could get them to mail it to me, but then, I'd need a NC drivers license with proof of new address, and I'm not doing that. Plus, even if that worked, it would be at least 4 weeks. So, I have to figure out what to do. Should I rent a car next week and drive down? It would be about $200 for the trip. Or do I just wait? And go down before I go to Colorado in May?  Which gives me a limited amount of time to sell my car. Though I could just leave my car for my dad to sell for me.
But then when I come back, I'll have to buy a car... Or I can just leave the car here until after I come back and have time to find a car. 
So, the question yet remains, when should I go get the title? I guess if I do the math, I should just go in May and get it, I'll have the time, and I'll have already had to rent a car.  There's no real need to have the title right this second. 
Reason being, I was able to go to my old insurance lady and get my NC insurance back, simply told her I paid off the car and she didn't require proof of address. So there is no especially pressing reason to get the title right now. Unless I wanted to sell it before I left. Which I kinda do, but it might not be the smartest move.
I sent Micah a message asking him to call me when he could so I could run this stuff all past him. 10 hours later, he  still hasn't called. It's funny how much anxiety builds up just because of that. I just felt like I needed someone else to help me think through pros and cons. I approached my dad about it, but his response was, I don't know... and did you want me to have a solution?  Incredibly unhelpful. I didn't expect him to have an answer, but maybe an opinion.
Of course I can do this all on my own. Of course I will do it all on my own. But I goddamn well don't want to. I'm supposed to have a best friend. You tell everything to a best friend. You run ideas by them. You use them as your checks and balance to make sure you don't go off the deep end.
I talked to Eve about it, but she's a girl and doesn't really know car stuff.
And so there are moments that tears just flow. You don't want them to, but there they are. That thread that you hold yourself together with unravels. And as days go by, with each step closer to the leaping point when you don't know what lies on the other side- the anxiety builds, and the people that were beside you step back. You know they wish you well- but why did they have to step back already? I'm scared.  Why do I have to always do life alone when things are the hardest?
I swear every time the going gets the roughest, that's when everyone retreats. Every single time.
Do I make it through? Of course. But it's shit.

Getting older

There is a little bit of panic setting in lately over my age. It's all down hill from here, and what do I have to show for it? In 10 more years it will be hard for me to find a job, as opposed to now when it's there for the asking.
So that begs the question, how am I going to live?
How am I going to provide for myself and anyone else in my life?
Where am I going to live?
These are things I need to decide on. I'm going to be old here shortly, and I need to be aware of that.
Will everything work out? Yes of course. But that doesn't give you the right to float through life without using the gifts given to you. Using the resources provided.
What the hell am I doing with my life?

it didn't break

I thought it was going to. I really did. But as I wrote him an email, I recollected that I'd been in this spot before. In January, when I was wrestling with the new situation of being 2000 miles away. It stems from a lack of trust. It stems from the knowledge and experience of nothing working out like we think it will. I know that we all have choices, and I don't trust that Micah will ever choose me.
He told me yesterday that he doesn't tell me about his exwife very much because I radiate pain when he does. I know I do, but I'd rather he tell me than not. He said that I wouldn't if I was merely his friend, and not thinking like a girlfriend. While that might be true in a way, the long and short of it is, she's terrible for him. If she were good for him, if she inspired him to be a better person, if she loved him more than herself, if she made him feel like a man, if they were compatible instead of feeding off of eachother, if she pushed him to be closer to God, if she pushed him to fulfill his dreams, if she made him feel secure in his insecurities.... then I would be fine with her. But she is not that person, and I can't bear it that she hurts him and toys with his emotions.
If I were merely his friend, I would say, "what the hell are you doing to yourself by even considering it to be a distant possibility." But, I love him, and understand that it's complicated.

He said to me, "It wasn't a pity call, when I called you the other day and said I wasn't ready to talk, but I knew you'd be missing me. It was like this: say you had just gotten home from a really long day at work, and all you wanted to do was to sit in the easy chair with your feet up, but your son has a game, so you get out of the chair and go to the game to show your love."
"Oh." was my response. I hadn't considered it from that stance.

We talked about the answers that we get from God, he was told over and over again that the kid was not his. But it in fact is. So how does that work?  It wasn't the end of the sentence, and he never questioned. Why? Because his mind wasn't ready for the answer. "We are only given the answers that our minds are ready to handle."

So how does that play into his answer regarding me? "She is not for you." Same voice.
When I heard that he accepted this as fact, I flipped out because I wasn't told the same thing. So, I questioned God. "What the hell?" And he told me, that there is a "yet" at the end of the sentence. Because he can't do this right now. He's not ready.
And I know this to be a fact.
But where does this leave me? What is my role in the meantime? Or is it actually a meantime? I have never been given only part of the answer before, but of course it's possible. Maybe that was the answer I needed for my reality.
I needed to learn about relationships, how to do them, how not to do them, how to love with everything that you are, and what you need in response. These are all things I've learned an am learning. Things that most kids these days learn because they have boyfriends at 13. I'm 30. I obviously can learn things way better than a 13 year old, but still.
So either way, I have no regrets. This is an important learning experience in my life.
But see, I can't dwell on my answer either. Because if I do, I hesitate to choose things, because I wonder if they are the right choices to fall in line with that plan. But that's me trying to be in control again. "Into your hands I commend my spirit."

breaking point

I think I'm reaching mine. I've never hit it before, so I can't say for certain. I think it will be determined tomorrow night, following a conversation with the boy.  I talked to him briefly today, it'd been almost a week again.
The parts that I took away from the conversation were that he's been talking to his exwife every day, about the baby, but talking to her. Where as, it's too difficult for him to talk to me, he needs his alone time. 
So I'm having to face the fact of not being needed, or wanted at this point. How does one go from "perfect, like you were made for me" to just another friend that you keep in contact with infrequently?
I am so lost. I don't know what to do.
I don't think I am capable of being "just" friends, and that being basically a facebook friend who catches up every once in a while.
I can't do a one way relationship/friendship again. I always find myself in them. It's not healthy.  It hurts me so much that they don't care, really. I hate that I'm always not worth it. I hate that they never care more about me than they do themselves. I hate that I love so deeply and no one wants it, except for a short time while they're lonely.
Do I continue on? Or sever ties?
The problem being- I love him with every bit of me. But if I'm not anything to him anymore, I have to stop. I don't want to, but, it is what needs to happen if that is the case. 
So today I'm feeling pain and despair. I don't know what to do.

chameleons and being lost

I went through my car yesterday emptying it out of all its contents. In my car, I had stashed away 13 different notebooks that I have written in over the past few years. This is only one collection. I have another collection in my parents basement, I have another up in Ohio at my brothers house. They're everywhere. But, I was reading things I had written. One notebook had some things I had written when I was 19 or twenty. One bit stuck out to me. "Does everyone feel alone in their own heads? Like there is no one they can fully be themselves around for fear of their true thoughts being ostracized?
I find myself not telling the whole of what I'm thinking, and it varies person to person."
I realized several months ago my chameleon nature, and I've been trying to be as real as possible.  But what is real? Real has been defined by who I'm around my whole life.  Every bit is real, but it looks different depending on who you're standing next to.
I messaged the unicorn about it. He was always telling me "just be yourself!" and I never understood why. Of course I'm always myself.  But I have this tendency to be whoever the people around me need me to be.  Or at least, who I think they need me to be. Around my family, I'm strong and capable. I can solve any problems. I'm responsible and dependable.  At work I take care of everything. The shift runs smoothly, I put out all fires, I make things happen. Things start to get bogged down, I unbog them. People are unhappy, I smile at them and make them better. 
With my friends, I'm religious or not depending on their point of view. There is a core of truth that I adhere to, but what it looks like is easily meshable with anything, at least on the outside.
I tend to always put the other person first, which is all well and good, except I am finding that if it goes too far, like it always does- I always care more than the other person.
I was reading things I had written about Ayyoub. How detached I made myself be because I knew while he cared about me, he didn't love me more than he loved himself.  The same with Luke. Maybe even Micah too. Though it hurts me to say that. He told me in February that he could hardly handle being a friend let alone more than that. I didn't believe him, because I had no evidence of it. I could see how much he cared about me.  There was a solid couple weeks of spiritual and emotional intimacy even with the distance, and then the switch was flipped and it was over. And I'm left wondering where I stand. Even my best friend persona is mia.  I pray it doesn't last, because he is my best friend, and I want him in my life. He is going through so much right now, that I understand why I am not on his list. It just hurts, because he is my list.
This is not to say I don't have my own life going on. I do. I cannot put my life on hold because things are not going like I thought. I'm working doubles, I'm saving money, I'm in two weddings, I'm going to Britain. When I come back, I have no idea what I'll be doing or where I'll be. That remains to be seen.
The feelings are still stashed away nice and tight. No one knows they are there. Yesterday was a little rough, just in that in cleaning out my car I found one of his guitar picks, and then when I was going through the notebooks I found my wallet sized picture of us, the extra one from the one I gave him before I left. It tore at my heart a bit, but I swallowed it and moved on.
Sigh.

I can breathe again

Yesterday after I got off work, I went over to see the family. I hadn't seen them since Tuesday morning, when I went over to grab a couple bites of leftovers for breakfast. They were all super happy to see me. I made one of my sisters sit on my back to crack it- and it's been better ever since.
The boss at the deli gave me $60 to go buy new shoes. I don't want new shoes, I just need to wear the ones I usually wear. I'm actually scared of wearing different shoes. I wore the flats the one day, and tried to be super helpful the next by wearing my sneakers- epic fail on all counts.  Oh well. I'm grateful for her concern.

He finally called last night. I chattered incessantly about my week at first, rushing through all the stories, like I tend to do especially when uncomfortable.
Then he said he was sorry that I was the thing that got cut out. He told me some of the stories that have happened lately, but he's still drained. Still unsure of which end is up.  He told me at one point "I think your prophetic dream is actually happening."  I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a solid minute. I didn't know which dream he was referring to. It started beating again when he explained further that it looks like he actually might wind up getting full custody of the baby.  That's fine. I seriously dream about taking care of this child all the time. I don't know.

I was thinking more on my relationship with God once we got off the phone and I tried to go back to sleep. I wonder if God feels the void like I felt without Micah talking to me. Obviously he's not plagued by insecurities like me, but what about the void? Curious.

Today and tomorrow off of work. And all has been righted in my world. I can breathe.

love

read a couple random things on love today. I figured I'd shared them here so I'd remember them.

"Love is So Overrated

I was once asked to meet with a 14 year-old boy who had recently tried to commit suicide. When I met with the kid in the hospital psyche ward he seemed surprisingly relaxed and casual, but starting a conversation with him proved difficult.
I’d ask him questions and he’d reply with vague, one-word answers. After several vain attempts to get him to open up, he finally told me: “Why don’t you just go home? The chaplain was here already.”
“Oh? What did the chaplain say?” I asked.
“Eh, I don’t know. Something stupid,” he replied.
Now I was intrigued. “What did he say?” I pressed curiously.
“The chaplain said I shouldn’t kill myself, because G-d loves me.”
“I agree,” I said. “That really is stupid. What’s to love?”
This got the kid’s attention. “So what’s your point?” he asked.

 “G-d created you,” I explained. “Therefore, you are obviously necessary. You’re a part of G-d’s divine plan. An integral piece of the puzzle. He needs you to do something so that the world can become complete. You were created with a purpose toward bringing about the ultimate fruition of G-d’s plan. But love you? Why should He love you?”
“Well what if I don’t want to do what G-d created me for?” he challenged.
“You have free choice so you can choose to do what He wants or not, but at least now you’re taking a position.”
On my way home I thought about what the boy said. The kid is right. If he tries to kill himself, it’s because he doesn’t think he’s necessary. After all, the kid didn’t have an especially hard life. He came from a decent family. But he doesn’t think he’s necessary so he doesn’t see the point in going on living.
So, to come along and tell him: ‘Oh, but G-d loves you’ makes G-d sound foolish. What’s to love if I’m not even necessary?

Children don’t want to hear from parents that they are simply loved, but not needed. Nobody wants to hear that. This kind of love is similar to the kind of love one might have for a cute little gerbil or a puppy. ‘Aw, you’re so cute. I love you.’ No one wants to be ‘cute’ or ‘cherished.’ We want to be needed and necessary. We want to matter. Our existence has to make a difference.
Being necessary is what gives us a purpose. If I’m not important, I cannot function no matter how much you love me. And the more you love me, the more foolish you seem.

If you’re necessary and needed, you’ll find the love. If you’re just loved, you’re a gerbil.
Therefore, the message to our children has to be:
You are necessary. You have a purpose. You are an indispensable part of a vast, eternal plan and what you do matters. You can either make the world or break the world depending on your choices.
Do I love you? Right now, I need you and that is much more important."


I can totally identify with this. This is what changed when Micah started saying I love you, and I told him he didn't mean it. I became the gerbil.
That's why I'm having such a time with this week of him not talking to me. I need him, but am not needed. Therefore- I have to not need him either, and that breaks my heart.  I think I just need clarity as to why, at this point. He's busy with his family, and adjusting to new life back home- whereas my life remains- but with a void. It's no wonder he doesn't miss me. And I hate that I have this void.
But no one can see it. I'm a brilliant faker. 


I was thinking about God today. I haven't talked to God since all this happened. I don't seem to have anything to say. It makes me wonder. There are two life paths ahead of me, one will probably have a lot of fleeting joys, the other fulfillment but not as much excitement. Always with the choices.