foolish and fear

There are many things I do to avoid my brain. I watch tv, I work, I surround myself with people- not close friends, just people. This works until all of a sudden when I should be enjoying myself at the beach, I cannot relax- the anxiety level that has been underneath the surface finally bubbles to the top and I can't relax. There is no outlet. No one to talk to, just panic. I can't write it out, it's time for work, I'll just have to fake it.
So I went to work, it was slow enough that there were times where I could feel the panic growing up, tightening my throat. I would distract myself. I had sent a text out to Micah in a plea for release in some fashion, by just telling him I was doubting everything.
His response was just pray.  Which of course is all that he could say, but to my mind just exceedingly unhelpful. For me when there is just overwhelming doubt, praying doesn't solve it, not in the traditional sense. I have to rationalize. I have to write it out. I have to talk it out.
So, I was able to talk about some of my fears with the little old lady that hostess's for me at work.  She doesn't really know what to make of me, "Rebekkah, I've never known anyone like you." she says to me. "I know, I'm one-of-a-kind." I tell her. "It's okay."
As I was driving home as series of "trust me" songs were playing on the radio station. 
I made myself think.
"Okay, what is the core of why you're afraid?"
"I'm afraid of making a mistake."
"Okay, what is the worst that could happen?"
".... uh..... I have to come back? Or go somewhere else?"
"oh, you're right, that is terrible. I understand now why you're afraid."
"But it isn't just that, I mean, I'll have made a mistake! I have an image to live up to."
"...are you hearing yourself?!"

And so the conversation went.
Echoing in the back of my brain, "you need to read the rest of "The importance of being foolish" by brennan manning."  
So that is what I'm doing for the rest of the evening. Struggling to drown the chameleon and embrace the foolish.