My Path

I woke up thinking about my life, and how other people seem to view it.
I drove to work, as I sat at the red light, looking north there were clear blue skies, clouds faintly tinged pink with the sunrise. Looking south, the sky was black, a thunderstorm waiting to unleash its fury.  I turned south, driving into the darkness. My responsibilities lay in that direction,  yet my eye ever turned to the rearview mirror so I could see the blue behind me.

I know my life has been blessed with magic, but a part, maybe even a significant part of it is where I choose to focus.

Even as I sit here trying to write about it, my mind ever goes to the good things. I've never lost anyone in my family. I have no ties that are binding me. I am free to do whatever I want.
I don't have crazy stories of mayhem and despair because I have chosen not to live a life where such things are paramount. 
I have had a hand in destroying lives, due to selfishness on my part. I have said things that have wrecked people.

I have experienced poverty, I have had to deal with the loss of community, friends that abandon you, a father that suffers with bipolar and depression who nearly committed suicide. I had to read the letters he wrote. I was never a child, responsibility was a must at an early age. Anything I wanted I had to work for, my parents were never able to help, and usually required our help.
I've never been worth any effort for any guy.
I get hit on by old guys all the time and it makes me want to cry.

I don't know how to stay in one place. I don't know how to live without getting stuck in a rut. I don't know how to live without anxiety over the future and getting old.  I don't know how be the best I can be.  I don't know why I am never enough. I don't know why I love with all that I am, and expect it in return.

I know I am blessed beyond measure. But it's not easy. I fight for my magic. I choose the hard things to keep my magic alive.  I choose truth, justice, responsibility, faithfulness, and overwhelming love instead of anything less, even though less would be easier, simpler, and I would not be an alien.