I should be sleeping, I have to be up for work in a couple hours. I was going to try and get a decent amount of sleep in beforehand, because somehow I'm working a double on a day that I open. (I have to be there by 5am..) Gross gross gross.
Problem is, I watched a movie before trying to sleep. I don't watch much tv/movies now that I live by myself. This is purposefully, just because I'd like to get the most out of my time, and not thinking- seems to waste time, except for those times I need to not think. Today, well, today was just one of those days I didn't know what to do. Going somewhere was out of the question. I am not one of those people that enjoy crowds, and so stores are a nightmare on Black Friday. I got a movie out at Family Video, titled "Only You" Robert Downey Jr. is in it.. anyway. I related to it far too much to be comfortable. In this movie, this girl asks a Ouija board when she's like 11 what the name of her soul mate is, later the name is confirmed by this gypsy fortune teller. She doesn't meet this guy and ends up engaged to someone else, until she gets a call from a guy with this name giving his regrets for not being able to make the wedding. She ends up chasing him to Italy, yadda yadda yadda. All kinds of coincidences later, she marries this guy she meets there whose name is not that name, but this was the destiny. So, yeah, complete and utter chick flick, but it left me in a turmoil.
I have had such peace these last several days that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I am on the right path. I am just really really calm. It's really unnerving, actually. Leaving me wondering, what bad thing will happen? What will disrupt this calm? When am I going to go down the slide of emotions again? I was riding high there for a while, and now that things have resumed normal status, I'm just waiting to go back down. Very bizarre.
I've given so much thought lately to destiny, fate, being who you're supposed to be. The ONE. ;) Well, here's the deal, I've been waiting for him my entire life. I don't want to make a mistake and settle for someone who doesn't complete me, and vice versa. The girl in the movie falls for this guy who understands her, their souls align, but he doesn't have the right name. Dude. That to me is the most important thing. Souls connecting.
There are two guys in my life right now that I have a question mark over. But, in reality, there is just one. The one who has been my best friend for a long time, is not really a question mark, it will never happen. There's just too much there, I just couldn't. The other, I just have no idea if he likes me or not. Sometimes I think so, but I don't know. And he lives further away.... but we seem to appreciate the same things. Bah. Life is hard.
And of course because God loves coincidences in my life... JUST AS I FINISHED WRITING THAT, Enya comes on singing this:
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time
Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart
Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
Who knows? Only time
No words. Goodnight.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The things I'm thankful for:
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I figure a post is in order- sharing with you some of the things I'm thankful for.
#1 The overwhelming sense of peace with God that I've had lately. Seeing all the ways He's been directing my path, the nonstop coincidences. The quality conversations with people. The random people he's brought into my life, and brought back into my life. I am strangely at ease with life.
#2 My family. People say this alot, I realize, but it doesn't make it any less so. I have alot of family and I am thankful for each one of them. My life would be lacking without any one of them.
#3 The people I hold dear. Erin, Ricky, Maggie, Desiree, Erin, David, Brent & Ashley, Mandy & Joe, Aaron, Matt, Derek and Brent. These are the people I feel like I can talk to about anything and everything. They may not always understand the twisted workings of my brainwaves, but they care. They inspire me to be more than I am. They challenge me. They love me, well, some more than others. ;)
I am thankful for how much I've grown spiritually, mentally, as a person this past year. I was reading over my blog from when I started it back up back in the day, just realizing how much I've changed, matured.
I am thankful for LIFE.
#1 The overwhelming sense of peace with God that I've had lately. Seeing all the ways He's been directing my path, the nonstop coincidences. The quality conversations with people. The random people he's brought into my life, and brought back into my life. I am strangely at ease with life.
#2 My family. People say this alot, I realize, but it doesn't make it any less so. I have alot of family and I am thankful for each one of them. My life would be lacking without any one of them.
#3 The people I hold dear. Erin, Ricky, Maggie, Desiree, Erin, David, Brent & Ashley, Mandy & Joe, Aaron, Matt, Derek and Brent. These are the people I feel like I can talk to about anything and everything. They may not always understand the twisted workings of my brainwaves, but they care. They inspire me to be more than I am. They challenge me. They love me, well, some more than others. ;)
I am thankful for how much I've grown spiritually, mentally, as a person this past year. I was reading over my blog from when I started it back up back in the day, just realizing how much I've changed, matured.
I am thankful for LIFE.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Coincidences
My life is full of coincidences. Sometimes they just hit me though. The ways God directs my paths, or at least ordains, orders, however you want to look at it... is just awe inspiring sometimes. It's the little things.
The most recent one was this. This past spring we hung out with the Psalters, and I friend requested a couple of them, there was one, Scott Krueger, who I almost requested then didn't. The other day, however, I changed my mind. He added me shortly after, so I was looking at his profile, and just a short way down his wall, someone had tagged him in a note. I clicked on it, and I read what this girl had written, totally identifying with her angst in regards to church. She'd recently moved back to Ohio after having spent 5 years in Philly with that whole gang there. So I wrote to her, just offering up the option of the church that I go to and friendship. She accepted. Dude. If I hadn't've friend requested Scott, or if I had done it earlier, I never would've seen that post. It's the little things. I'm convinced it's a God thing.
I've also been realizing how obviously it was a God thing that I've gotten where I've gotten with this business stuff too. I was on Facebook, shortly after declaring my intention of helping my dad with this. I happened to see a post for something on Red Letter Christians, I'd never been to that site before, so I went to look, happened to read this post on Humility by Noah Echols. I loved it and found him on twitter to tell him so. I went to his website, and found out he was in relatively the same line of work, and that he subscribed to Olivier Blanchard. That was just the beginning. I've found out since then that there are so many people that think they know stuff about social media marketing, but actually don't. I lucked out that my first person I found, not only is totally legit, but extremely intelligent and an invaluble resource in learning what I need to know. Just another coincidence.
Just seeing the little ways in which the Spirit is evident, is just so cool.
Met some other really cool people last week. The Simons. They own their own organic farm, beef, dairy, chickens, pigs, and the garden stuff. Very very cool people. Looking forward to getting to know them better. All these people right here, it's amazing. It's hard to believe I've lived here 6 years now, and it's only within the last year and a half that I've adopted community, and am getting to know people in the area. So many people in this area are not the highly intelligent people that I desire to surround myself with, but I'm slowly finding them. I want to be inspired to be more, do more. Be all I can be. It's too easy to be lazy and not achieve what I could.
That's it for now.
The most recent one was this. This past spring we hung out with the Psalters, and I friend requested a couple of them, there was one, Scott Krueger, who I almost requested then didn't. The other day, however, I changed my mind. He added me shortly after, so I was looking at his profile, and just a short way down his wall, someone had tagged him in a note. I clicked on it, and I read what this girl had written, totally identifying with her angst in regards to church. She'd recently moved back to Ohio after having spent 5 years in Philly with that whole gang there. So I wrote to her, just offering up the option of the church that I go to and friendship. She accepted. Dude. If I hadn't've friend requested Scott, or if I had done it earlier, I never would've seen that post. It's the little things. I'm convinced it's a God thing.
I've also been realizing how obviously it was a God thing that I've gotten where I've gotten with this business stuff too. I was on Facebook, shortly after declaring my intention of helping my dad with this. I happened to see a post for something on Red Letter Christians, I'd never been to that site before, so I went to look, happened to read this post on Humility by Noah Echols. I loved it and found him on twitter to tell him so. I went to his website, and found out he was in relatively the same line of work, and that he subscribed to Olivier Blanchard. That was just the beginning. I've found out since then that there are so many people that think they know stuff about social media marketing, but actually don't. I lucked out that my first person I found, not only is totally legit, but extremely intelligent and an invaluble resource in learning what I need to know. Just another coincidence.
Just seeing the little ways in which the Spirit is evident, is just so cool.
Met some other really cool people last week. The Simons. They own their own organic farm, beef, dairy, chickens, pigs, and the garden stuff. Very very cool people. Looking forward to getting to know them better. All these people right here, it's amazing. It's hard to believe I've lived here 6 years now, and it's only within the last year and a half that I've adopted community, and am getting to know people in the area. So many people in this area are not the highly intelligent people that I desire to surround myself with, but I'm slowly finding them. I want to be inspired to be more, do more. Be all I can be. It's too easy to be lazy and not achieve what I could.
That's it for now.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
The Continuation
Life has been interesting lately. No more marriage proposals, but interesting nonetheless.
I kind of had a breakdown last week. It was one of those times when everything just piles up and hits you in one fell swoop. Living alone has the disadvantage for me of feeling like no one needs me. I realize there are people who appreciate me, but actually need me in their lives? None, with the exception of my dad, but that's because he's fragile. I miss my sister Erikah, since I don't live with her, I hardly ever see her, and she never calls. I talk to her when I call her, and she always has plenty to tell me, but unless I call, I don't talk to her. We have completely different circles of friends, and much as I try to bring her into my circle, she doesn't want to. I am not invited to her circle because me and her friends have a different standard of morals, and I think she doesn't want me to think less of her (which I wouldn't) for having the friends she does.
I was concerned for a friend one night and texted another friend of mine to call me when she woke up the next day. I upset her because it woke her up at midnight. She didn't realize that the only reason I texted was because I was literally in tears not knowing how to help this mutual friend. So I felt like I was needing her too much, and she needed me to take a step back. So I did.
I was realizing how much I need other people in my life. I get to a dark place if I don't have people to talk to.
Then the question came, Why? Why do I need people? Why do I need to be needed? I still don't have the answer for this.
Maybe during this time of the ultimate aloneness God is trying to teach me that I do not have to be taking care of people.
This really applies because I've also been noticing how very very broken EVERYONE is. Including myself, obviously. I mean, I'm pretty well put together, but I can still see how my need for people is a bad thing. My want to fix everyone, just cannot be realized. That my inability to make what most people consider poor life decisions makes me come across as straightlaced, and too good. I have a pride that is overwhelming sometimes. I cave to procrastination sometimes. Resistance beats me more often than I'd like to admit.
The moral of this story is I want to fix you, but I can't. No one can. It's like or bones are broken and while they can be mended, we're still messed up. Sometimes the bones heal crooked, sometimes it just never heals.
The christianese answer "but Jesus can fix you." Untrue. While there is help there, it's not the magic cure.
The only hope I've seen comes from Eccesiasties 4:9-12 "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Together. Community is the core.
We're all broken in different ways and can fill in for eachothers deficiencies. The blind man and the deaf man, the blind cannot see, so the deaf leads, and the blind man has an increased sense of hearing due to his blindness, therefore can help the deaf man.
Work is going well. I'm really enjoying being a business person. I'm way more steady on my feet than I was initially. This will be a good thing.
I kind of had a breakdown last week. It was one of those times when everything just piles up and hits you in one fell swoop. Living alone has the disadvantage for me of feeling like no one needs me. I realize there are people who appreciate me, but actually need me in their lives? None, with the exception of my dad, but that's because he's fragile. I miss my sister Erikah, since I don't live with her, I hardly ever see her, and she never calls. I talk to her when I call her, and she always has plenty to tell me, but unless I call, I don't talk to her. We have completely different circles of friends, and much as I try to bring her into my circle, she doesn't want to. I am not invited to her circle because me and her friends have a different standard of morals, and I think she doesn't want me to think less of her (which I wouldn't) for having the friends she does.
I was concerned for a friend one night and texted another friend of mine to call me when she woke up the next day. I upset her because it woke her up at midnight. She didn't realize that the only reason I texted was because I was literally in tears not knowing how to help this mutual friend. So I felt like I was needing her too much, and she needed me to take a step back. So I did.
I was realizing how much I need other people in my life. I get to a dark place if I don't have people to talk to.
Then the question came, Why? Why do I need people? Why do I need to be needed? I still don't have the answer for this.
Maybe during this time of the ultimate aloneness God is trying to teach me that I do not have to be taking care of people.
This really applies because I've also been noticing how very very broken EVERYONE is. Including myself, obviously. I mean, I'm pretty well put together, but I can still see how my need for people is a bad thing. My want to fix everyone, just cannot be realized. That my inability to make what most people consider poor life decisions makes me come across as straightlaced, and too good. I have a pride that is overwhelming sometimes. I cave to procrastination sometimes. Resistance beats me more often than I'd like to admit.
The moral of this story is I want to fix you, but I can't. No one can. It's like or bones are broken and while they can be mended, we're still messed up. Sometimes the bones heal crooked, sometimes it just never heals.
The christianese answer "but Jesus can fix you." Untrue. While there is help there, it's not the magic cure.
The only hope I've seen comes from Eccesiasties 4:9-12 "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Together. Community is the core.
We're all broken in different ways and can fill in for eachothers deficiencies. The blind man and the deaf man, the blind cannot see, so the deaf leads, and the blind man has an increased sense of hearing due to his blindness, therefore can help the deaf man.
Work is going well. I'm really enjoying being a business person. I'm way more steady on my feet than I was initially. This will be a good thing.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)