darkness breaks

 Saturday night I had called Heath because I was in a situation and didn't know how to get out. I just felt like I needed him to save me. He didn't answer though, and I got home and dealt more with the guy. Heath did try to call me back a little while later, but I was immersed in conversation at that point and couldn't answer, and when I tried to call him back later on, he didn't answer again.  I sent him a few texts during the week, because for some reason, two other people had gone out of their way to be unkind to me. Unfortunately, I can't be everything to everyone, but calling me self centered and a fake and a fraud is way out of line.  That being said, Heath finally called me Friday night, drunker than drunk- hiccupping even. He was embarrassed, and got of the phone, but called me again like 2 hours later when he was manageable.  We talked for hours about everything, even came up with some storylines, just because.  I told him the situation with the contractor and how scary/dangerous it had gotten. And, how I was supposed to meet with him later on in the day. Well, that freaked him out, and he got so protective of me. It was adorable and wonderful. It was as though I could finally rest, I didn't have to hold it all together, because he was there for me.  We didn't get off the phone until like noon.  But, he checked on me all afternoon. When everything was resolved by around 5 though, I could tell he'd retreated, and honestly, my heart hurt a little bit. But I treasured the night/day with him.  But then he called again at 1, and I went over to his house after a few hours on the phone talking about everything. It was straight magic for my soul.  It was probably the tenderest I've ever been treated, the realest and most true conversation all night. 

It was literally a gift of magic from the Father. If I had had to continue to live with harsh darkness and violence of the the contractor, my magic would have been damaged, but this was like proof for me to effectively blossom instead of retreat.  I am so beyond grateful. 

My stress

My stress level has been off the charts all weekend long. 

I can't continue down this road. You bring me face to face with darkness, and I cannot live there. My heart won't allow it. I'll break.  I want to create safe havens away from that world for people who need the magic. I don't think I have the strength to live in it and still maintain my magic. You pull me towards darkness and I will not go.  You need someone that can match your ferocity, but I am not that person. I will build walls because that is how I protect myself, and walls aren't meant for relationships.   

failure

 I don't even know how to describe these last few days. Moments of fun, disappointment, scariness, depression, boredom, excited. 

This is the story. Wednesday afternoon I met a contractor at one the the houses we're remodeling at work. There were sparks between us and he texted me after to ask if I was single.  We talked on the phone for 3 hours that night, mostly about his past. And it concerned me, but still, I was interested to see what would happen there.  I was already sad because Heath hadn't ever gotten back in contact with me and here was this guy who seemed totally in to me. 

We made plans for Thursday evening, but then he asked if he could just come over and watch a movie with me because he was exhausted after work. I hesitantly agreed because I have been down that road with "movie watching" before. So, I told him no hanky panky expectations.  Well, it wasn't much of a visit. He didn't end up getting here until late, and he'd fallen asleep during the movie, and was impossible to wake up. I however, cannot sleep on this couch, so I went and slept on the bed until his dog woke me up. So I went and tried to wake him up again, more successfully this time, he took the dog out, and then came and joined me in the bed.  But then hanky panky happened. I wasn't too upset, because it's nice to feel wanted, but, his version of sex is way rougher than I have ever experienced it in the past.  

Friday morning, he left his dog at my house, because he planned to meet up with me again that afternoon at the Sanford remodel, but the day didn't go according to plan, and he ended up not getting back up here until after 8pm. He spent the night again.

The next morning I left to go hang out with my aunt, and he stayed in my bed. He slept almost the whole day away, except for when we went to eat and look at the other house we have a remodel project at.  We'd turned on another movie when we got back to my house and he had fallen asleep again.  I napped in my bed, and did some writing, and then went to my thing that night. He stayed.  I did all his laundry for him during the day, and his dog was making me a little crazy because she's basically a puppy and needs to run. Otherwise she'd bark, so I had to keep throwing the tennis ball for her, because he was sleeping and wouldn't wake up.  I was freaking out at this point because he'd spent way too much time with me at this point.  It was as if we were already living together and in a relationship. The more we talked the more freaked out I got. His past is so scary.  He can be such a crass individual. Like there's a hardness that I can't handle.  And while he's really good at going down on me, the rest is painful and way too much. He even cuffed me lightly last night across the face, and I just can't. I don't want an animal. I want to be made love to. If it gets a little fierce, that's alright, but violent is too much and scary.  

But, here he is in my house and I don't know how to end this all, because it's gotten out of control and I'm not okay.  Finally he left today. I had to clean up after him so much.  He even had the audacity to ask me to buy him cigarettes' on my way back from my thing last night.  I just feel so walked on. And out of control. 

Of course I didn't say anything and when he asked last night if I wanted him to leave, I let him stay because it was late.  He did leave this morning though. But still left things at my house.  

He's not a terrible person, but I don't know how to cope with him. He thinks I'm wonderful, and that is nice. But, he has a darkness that envelopes me.  It's interesting because it's not my world, but I can't be drawn into that. 

I read, I write

 And process my feelings into words. I read back the last two years of my blog posts, it's not much about what's going on in my life, it's more me processing the emotions of heartbreak.  It's sad really, because I write my heart out when I'm sad, but when I'm happy, I don't write, and those moments get lost forever. 

I should work on that. 

My heart is still uncertain. It's not happy, it's not sad. It's a little bit numb, possibly guarded.  Feeling is overrated. 

I'm sad I don't have happy memories to read and look back on. All the stressed and sad moments to read and remember. 

Here's a happy thought, my aunt Jan just texted me and said she's going to be an hour away for the next couple weeks, and wondered if I had time to get together. So I'll be seeing her on Tuesday. <3 

just one day at a time

 It keeps going, one day at a time. Nothing really changes in a big way, just little moments that tweak my existence. 

I continue working for the real estate lady.  Heath called the other day for the first time in months, and we caught up for about 3.5 hours on the phone, but then I went over and spent the rest of the night. It's been almost a week and I haven't heard from him again. I have to confess, I am not surprised. I didn't go with any expectations of anything, all I did was a reflection of the moment. My soul and body missed him, and this was a chance to feed it. Maybe it wasn't the best choice, but I love him so, and always will. 

There have been a few other since him, but there's just never anything there. I want that best friend connection that I have with him, but there's just emptiness.