Easter and thoughts

There's nothing better than a porch day. The sun shining, the breeze rustling the trees. The bird feeder I put on the tree in front of the house has been a hit with the birds around town. I have to fill it every 2-3 days. I have flowers blooming, and that makes me happy. Danette gave me back the planters I gave her when I left to go to Florida, and the banana tree is making a comeback, so that's good.

Danette is moving back home to Henderson. Things are not fixed between her and Kenneth, but they cannot afford to have her living on her own anymore. I can't even tell you how ironic I find it, that this happens on Easter.... and april fools day. haaaaaa.

Easter, because good friday is a picture of the day hope died. All seemed lost. Sometimes those days of lost hope last for way longer than the 3 days.  But the day of resurrection, the day the miracle of all miracles... hope is restored, faith found a way. Everything changes. The one who IS love, conquers even death.
I pray that restoration finally finds them. That they can start fresh.
And April fools, because, I mean, seriously, realistically, without both of them going into this with a heart of love, how can this work?



And my life. I'm ever lost. The one I love(d) continues to haunt my dreams and waking moments. It didn't help getting to talk to his brother last week. I miss him. I wish I could help him. I know that I can't.
Work is giving me incredible anxiety and I don't know which move to make. I don't know how to live.

existential crises

So, I've started at the new restaurant- where I have to wear a vest and a tie. It's a bit much. The money I've made this week, makes it seem not at all worth it. The only way it'll work out, is if we go on a wait and we make a shit ton that way, but as it stands, there's been too many people to make anywhere near enough money.  So that's stressful. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but we'll see.

Andre asked me to take care of his bookkeeping work too after he gets his mess sorted out. So I feel like I should take some classes so I have an idea of what I'm doing. Because as it stands, I really don't. I'm just faking it.

But why would I put that much effort into doing something I really don't want to do. But then that begs the question, what do I actually want to do? I want to wait tables on the beach and be able to make enough to no worry about things and to have plenty of time to lay by the water and/or go swimming.

But is that the life I'm meant to live?

I don't know. I'm not miserable here, I'm just lonely. I'm lonely for people that I don't have to play a part around. Here you've got to watch what you say as far as politics. And lifestyles are so different. If I was looking for a guy, chances are, he wouldn't be found here.

I question everything. What the hell am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish? Why does my life look like it does?

information

I met up with Larry this evening, he has been going through a rough patch- anyway- we ended up talking about Micah.
He told me that I was in the wrong when I stayed friends with his mom- that from Micah's perspective, I chose her over him, and I failed him as his ride or die kinda girl.
I can't even tell you how much that broke my heart. Why does my heart still break over him?  I would have gladly done anything for him- I would have stayed by his side til kingdom come. And yet, subconscious or not- he felt that I failed him.

I'm so sad.