fell apart

 I absolutely fell apart after talk to Heath- my whole weekend I was an emotional mess. The littlest things would make me cry and there was no chance for writing, because the headspace was wrong. 

I really struggled with why, why was I crying about everything? The news he gave me was so good, so I wasn't sad. But then I realized what it was. He called me back to ask me how I was. He didn't let me just say everything was fine- he listened and actually cared. Like he used to. He created that safe space for me to show him my frailties. It was so hard and so easy at the same time. It was hard because I've had to hold it all in for so long, it took me a minute to let it out. But it was easy because my soul was just responding to him in the familiar patterns. 

So, because I let myself show my pain it wasn't easy to shove it all away again. 

One of my friends wrote this:

"Most, (if not all)
of what we mean
when we say
we want to be "whole"
is that we want to hand over
our weakest, and most fractured
and undesirable selves
to someone else
and have them say
"I can handle this"

It's so very true. And that is what I did with Heath, what I've always done with him. That's why it hurt me so much when he kept choosing to be with someone else. Because he also would do the same, hand me all of his shit.  And then when he stopped and started lying to me I didn't know how to handle that. Especially because that was about the time he started sleeping with me so everything was just confusing. 

But, I think my emotional phase is over now, thank goodness. I just really needed to process all my feels. 

We're not talking again, btw. That's not how we left it. He needs time to reinvent himself into who he's going to be. He knows and brought it up first, that he uses me as a crutch and doesn't want to. So I'm just glad. I'll be so happy to have in back in my life eventually in whatever form that looks like, but it doesn't feel like there's a yawning abyss between us anymore. His path is over there and he needs to become the man I always knew was there. 

the things

 It's been more than a month since I last wrote, and it's been very full. 

My father is not speaking to me. Due to drama with my siblings. It is unacceptable, but in a way, I'm too tired to do anything about it. 

I went to western nc for research for my book. It was awesome. I need to go back for more, because I didn't quite get everything that I need.  

I've been missing Heath something fierce lately. Probably not him exactly, but, he was the person that I talked to about everything.

I don't even know. Apparently today is speaking things into existence day.  When I first starting writing this post I was thinking about this life coach guy I started following on FB a little over a month ago. How it was shitty that he never responded to my last message, and then I posted a response on one of his posts the other day and he didn't even react to it, and he reacts to everyone. I realized that since I don't actually know him, maybe I should get the point and unfriend him. So I went on FB to do just that, and in that very moment he reacted to my post. Coincidental timing. 

And then, I was writing about missing Heath, and he called.  I cried.  I haven't spoken to him in more than a month, and before that, it had been a few months.  

He's 33 days sober. He's taken care of all the things looming over him, court stuff, health stuff, he's exercising every day, he's getting up early and going to bed early. He has energy and life. He isn't trying to be an active part of my life right now because he needs to know that he can do this on his own. I am so proud of him. Like I just sobbed so proud of him. I knew it was there. I knew he could do it.  I'm so relieved on so many levels. I'm glad I don't need to worry about him, because that's always been a halfway thought in my brain. I'm glad I wasn't wrong about him. I'm glad when I said that I saw his soul that I was right.  I'm glad that he had the strength of character to do it. I knew it, but I was so scared. 

What does that mean for us? I think it means that we'll be able to stay friends forever.