fell apart

 I absolutely fell apart after talk to Heath- my whole weekend I was an emotional mess. The littlest things would make me cry and there was no chance for writing, because the headspace was wrong. 

I really struggled with why, why was I crying about everything? The news he gave me was so good, so I wasn't sad. But then I realized what it was. He called me back to ask me how I was. He didn't let me just say everything was fine- he listened and actually cared. Like he used to. He created that safe space for me to show him my frailties. It was so hard and so easy at the same time. It was hard because I've had to hold it all in for so long, it took me a minute to let it out. But it was easy because my soul was just responding to him in the familiar patterns. 

So, because I let myself show my pain it wasn't easy to shove it all away again. 

One of my friends wrote this:

"Most, (if not all)
of what we mean
when we say
we want to be "whole"
is that we want to hand over
our weakest, and most fractured
and undesirable selves
to someone else
and have them say
"I can handle this"

It's so very true. And that is what I did with Heath, what I've always done with him. That's why it hurt me so much when he kept choosing to be with someone else. Because he also would do the same, hand me all of his shit.  And then when he stopped and started lying to me I didn't know how to handle that. Especially because that was about the time he started sleeping with me so everything was just confusing. 

But, I think my emotional phase is over now, thank goodness. I just really needed to process all my feels. 

We're not talking again, btw. That's not how we left it. He needs time to reinvent himself into who he's going to be. He knows and brought it up first, that he uses me as a crutch and doesn't want to. So I'm just glad. I'll be so happy to have in back in my life eventually in whatever form that looks like, but it doesn't feel like there's a yawning abyss between us anymore. His path is over there and he needs to become the man I always knew was there.