Unrest

Yesterday one of my employees says to me as I walk out of the kitchen "you look rough..!!!"  so I inquired of my cooks Davis (who is the boss' other son, but is married with children- safe as a friend) he assured me that I looked no rougher than usual these days, which just means that I looked tired. Gee thanks. :-P 
I persuaded Patrick to close for me, and I went home- to bed. The little girls were still up, so they were excited to see me. After I went to bed, they each came in to hug me goodnight and to tell me about their past few days. That was nice.

That pendulum swing has me at it's mercy again, much as I try to fight against it. I think it's worse when I'm tired. As ever, when trying to figure out what people are thinking and how they are feeling, when they don't say and I can't see them to figure it out, I get scared. The rational side of me knows that this is just part of the journey, but the rest of me has only experienced that when I don't know how they're feeling and what they are thinking because they aren't saying, it means that they are done. The magic passed, and that's it. What I am telling myself is that that is the past. The past does not have to repeat. Opening my heart up to someone doesn't mean rejection is just around the corner. Sharing what love I have is only good.
The tricky part is that there is always another person's history and experiences to take into consideration.
I feel so old sometimes when teaching my children (my employees) about life and how it works, that sometimes I forget how little I know of love and relationships and how they work in practice, and I feel like a lost child with no light at the end of the tunnel to show which way to go. 
For me, I need to  be wooed for lack of a better term, it can't just be won and done. There is too much poetry in my soul, too much love to be given. But I can't always be the one giving, I need it in return as well.

With this whole situation in regards to Josh not paying rent for this whole 6 months, I have hurt feelings and the feeling of betrayal. He was supposed to have been my friend. But on the flip side, it's just money. So it's not that big of a deal, but everyone I know is acting like I need to get him out of there, that there must be consequences to his actions, that I am enabling him. But I don't see the point. I would still have to the pay the rent, even if I got him out.

I don't know what the right move is.

So currently the state of my soul is just unease. So I'm going to go out and watch the sunset and watch the planets align- Jupiter and Venus are bright in the sky tonight. I need the serenity.

Poetry

I never write  poetry but today it was just coming. It's probably not good, i have always been a prose writer. But here it is.

The poetry of the heart
the music that flows
the inescapable rhythm
the soul only knows

The feelings that come
the wind and the rain
the sun and the clouds
the laughter the pain

Joy in the morning
that new love brings
the hope and the happiness
the heart freely sings

The wounds recover
the doubts recede
now is the time
for life to proceed

My unicorn has appeared

Life's a funny thing. The pendulum swing of good days and bad. I have far more good days than bad. I had a rough day about two weeks ago, but since then it just been really good. I've been able to find the time for adventuring, whether it be between shifts, or just in the morning before the night shift if I'm not working. I went out on the boat with the boss' son. We had so much fun, saw so many fish, caught a few, there were dolphins that swam directly under us, there were skate and sting rays and so many fish pods. The water was clear and beautiful, the wind was blowing and not a cloud in the skies. It was perfect.
After he dropped me off, so that I could go to work, he went back out on the water to see what else he could find, catch some more fish. But he told me later, the dozens of fish pods were gone. He didn't see anything else. It had changed.  I laughed and told him I had magical powers. :-P I think he believed me.

Since then I've had some really stressful days at work, but they've been negated by talking to someone on and off throughout the day that makes me smile. I really like him. I've never met him yet. I want to, but right now he lives out in southern California, which is not exactly easy meeting. I've been on the internet long enough to know how easy it is to portray yourself in a certain way, and then when you meet, you realize there was more to the picture than you were told. I have this fear of not being known, so I try to tell everything so that people get an accurate picture of me, but I don't know. I'm scared of developing feelings but only knowing the parts I've been told.
But here's the deal, I will take what I can get, he's brought a bit of magic to my life and that is a wonderful, restful thing. Precisely what I need at this point of my life. And as I have learned, the openness of love without selfish intentions or protecting yourself is a beautiful thing. The chance of hurt is 100% because you leave yourself wide open to another human who is not perfect, but the reward could make it worth while and pain doesn't last forever.

Something I've was thinking about- things that have affected me negatively in my life, my dad almost committing suicide... the situations that made for the move from Ohio to here the first time, even the recent catalysts from south florida. I remember that they were bad, and rocked my world. But the feelings, they aren't there. Which is interesting. I have never been one to hold grudges- I want things resolved immediately,  but there are people in my family with long memories, so I know what that's like. I just don't. So that's been interesting to think about.

steadily onwards

Summer is here on the outer banks and the season is starting to ramp up. Employees quit and I have to hire more, a never ending cycle of training. They had no returning staff this year so everyone is new, everyone is learning- and that makes for tough shifts some days.  But I think so I'll be set and the rest of the season should be smooth. I worry about the days I will have to take off- days for Maggie's baby being born... days for court in Florida... It's going to be rough, I think. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've had some decent conversations, sharing my life with a youngster. So that's been good. Telling her of the magic that doing what's right even when you don't want to, the magic that that creates. Then the loss of magic when you choose otherwise.  Basically I have adopted much of my staff as my children. They are for the most part all 19-20 years old, so I have to teach them about life and the real world of working.

On my one day off per week I've been struggling coming up with something to do. This working 80+ hours per week gets you in a routine that you forget how to live, you only know how to work. Especially yesterday when it rained all day, I was at a loss. I couldn't even go to the beach.

I got my visa to visit Australia. That's super exciting. I cannot wait. It's still 6 months away, but time will go fast. And the count down has begun for my 30th birthday. So weird. I'll literally be 30. Mind blowing.

I miss being active and I miss life on the water, but this season won't last forever and I'll have my adventure soon. Summer on the coast of Australia. Yep. That's happening. :) :)