love and fear

 At work last night, the guy on the other side of the bar and I started our conversation about squirrels. By the time he left, we had covered everything from aliens to motor cross, past lives, family, travel, and the meaning of life.  It was a rollercoaster ride for sure. The conversation ended on the two things that are our points of origin in motivation of everything. 

Why do we do anything? Is it out of love? Or is it out of fear?  When we make love be our reason for being, the core of everything we are, fear has no place.  But when we allow fear a place, it is pervasive and can infect everything. 

I love so much that this topic came up because it has a fundamental spot in my new novel, and conversations sharpen my ideas.  

In H news.... there's been sexy time talk the last few nights. He's in Texas I think with Taylor, so they're just training so he drinks every night.- and then texts me.  I'm worried about who he's becoming.  He's just so unhappy. 

6 weeks

 It was 6 weeks of silence.  Still haven't gotten a phone call. Still no explanation. My heart is still broken. I just want things to be good again. I just want to feel like I can talk to him. I hate this distance between our souls. It feels like we're done, because he's making no moves to repair us.  It's the epitome of taking me for granted. 

He told me the other day that we're bonded forever. He also said he wasn't mad that I went on other dates, that he understands. 

I don't want him to understand.  I want him to be upset. I want him to claim me. But that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. It feels like he's just giving up. He'll take what I give, but won't make any other moves. 

but that's that story. I don't see a  happy ever after... and I want one so badly. But it feels like it's so entitled of me to even wish for one. I'm okay. I'm okay.