Love is patient

Ironic that that be the message at church today. I went to Larry's church this morning, because I had said I would. It was incredibly similar to Crossroads, the church with the outreach program. Difference being, this one is more black than white as far as race is concerned.
After the service I went up to Larry, he was so delighted to see me. His energy and chrisma is why I like him like I do, I think. He wants to have fun, do the work, but have fun doing it. Be ridiculous, it's okay. He'd stand so close to me our arms would be touching, move away, and then snuggle back up. haha. It sounds silly to describe it like that, but that's how it felt.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, the things I like in this guy are the main things that attracted me to the one I love. Joy, childish behavior- released from how the world views you, laughter, and the want to be close to me- along with the look in the eye that I am beautiful.   It turns my head.
This is not to say that I am interested in Larry, I'm not, but there is that spark about him.  It's good to remember why I fell in love. I miss him.

after school kids program

So, I've been getting involved in different outreach ministries, and chose this one. However, now I'm worried about it. I'm worried that they're heading in a direction I don't want to go. The director is making it more closed off, with an application process. Instead of being open armed, it's going to become, if you have scholastic excellence we will help you achieve great things.
I worried because he comes from a prosperity church. And that is a whole different way of looking at things.


I question myself on this one. I don't know if this is the way God is leading. It's not clear. Yes, the doors are there for me to walk through, but is it actually the way I need to go? 

gardening

So I re-potted the plants that the old guy, Stan gave me. I bought some more... but then I also put up a sidewalk garden, planted left over bulbs and flower seeds. We'll see what grows. I got some soil for a proper garden, but it's not enough, so I'm going to head back to the store and get some more here after lunch.
Speaking of lunch, my friend Stephanie is coming up to my house for lunch today. That should be fun. It'll be the first time I've had anyone over, besides Arlen, who doesn't really count, because he lives here. haha. She's got a bit of dietary restrictions, but I think I managed it. Organic pasta sauce and gluten free pasta noodles for lasagna- and a spinach salad with a lemon oil dressing. We'll see!

I finally got a note from Larry at the after school kids program- telling me I can start whenever I want- and to let him know my schedule. Unfortunately, my schedule sucks, for what they'd need me for. I've got to figure something out. I saw another job that looks interesting on craigslist today, but I don't know. It's not that I'm scared of leaving the Chinese restaurant, but, I don't know. I did make like $750 last week, which is fine, but for the hours I'm working- I need more so that I can cut down the hours I'm working. I want to have a life. I want to be able to accept invitations to go do things, which I currently can't.

Meh.

Tides

I was hoping to be sitting outside today by the lake on my break. Instead, I am sitting indoors, in my house. The weather didn't quite live up to its prediction. Therefore, this post.

The landlords son destroyed my flowers today that were planted on the edges of the yard, so that sucks. But then the new caretaker brought me his wife's plants that he no longer has time to care for. They've been left out in the rain, they're waterlogged so I need to repot them.

There was a cute boy that came into my work last night, by himself. We talked a little, but not a lot. What if a cute boy asks me out? What then? What do I do? I don't even know. Maybe I'll just worry about that when I come to it.

I don't know.

I seriously just sat, imagining scenarios for like 10 minutes without writing anything. That tells you how lost I am about it.

I know he hates me, but what about the promise?
I feel taken, but my head knows I'm not.
But I miss companionship. I miss having a best friend to talk to. I miss someone caring about me. I miss someone wanting me to be better than I am, for my own sake.
I don't mind being alone, don't get me wrong. But as George Strait says, there's a difference in living, and living well. My life is full of solitary magic, but not the crazy alien magic that two provide.

But, I simply don't want anyone else. Just the thought of it wigs me out. And that's insane. That's not how this society I live in operates. That's not even how he operates. 
Maybe one day I'll learn how to breathe again. Maybe one day I won't know with a certainty that he was my person, and I fd it up. Maybe I'll find another that matches my soul. Even saying that makes me want to break down in tears. It's been 6 months... doesn't one get over these things faster than that?   Ayyoub was a month later, Luke was less than a month, Mike was a month or so- this one, I remain in love with- even with the knowledge that he hates me. How is that even sane?

So do I force myself out of love by finding someone else? Is that the way to do it?   I don't even know.

My brother & other stories

My brother has been having suicidal tendencies ever since moving to Seattle. Apparently last night he made a call to the suicide hotline. Which was a good step, I think. I'm glad he did. But it stresses me out to be so far away from him. It stresses me out to not be able to take this pain from him. He doesn't know what his purpose in life is, and that is the root of the problem. If there's no point to being alive, why be alive? His brain tells him.  I feel like the answer to that though is an individual quest. I can't tell you your purpose, I can only tell you my purpose, which may not be your purpose. So, I don't have any answers. I don't know how to help. My hands are tied. Interestingly enough, I was thinking about him as I went to sleep last night, that I needed to call him today. Maybe I should've just called him last night when it was on my mind.

This is a crazy life we all lead.

I had a late night waffle house date with my new friend Stephanie- that was nice. She's really into essential oils, and has healed herself from being told she had 6 months to live to walking, talking and living once again. So that's pretty cool. One thing that worries me about her is her "say the prayer and youre saved" evangelistic life style. Leading someone in the prayer is pointless? It's the LIFE that matters.  That's how we are a society like we are today, they were told they were Christians because they said the prayer, but no one taught them how to embrace the Spirit of God and live as though we were Jesus. Forgiving, loving, hoping, healing- all around us, especially in the Christian community you notice hate, fear, judgements- where is that Jesus you claim to be a part of?  So how can "leading people in the prayer" be a good thing without the follow through?

I talked to Donna from Colorado on the phone last night for a little over an hour, I hadn't talked to her since May, when I left for Europe.  I had to tell her the status of Micah and I, which is one of the reasons I hadn't talked to her. It was too difficult there for a while. 
She was like, you know he loves you. We all saw it. haha. Yes, he did. It was a beautiful thing.  Pity it couldn't last on his side.

Tomorrow I'm going to the other side of the state to hang out with my aunt Janet for a couple days. I'm looking forward to that.  Yet even there will be the cut out of so much of my life because I can't tell her all the God stuff. How does one live authentically and yet respect the belief systems of so many people?

Writing, water, crazy people

So, I got home this evening to no water. Surprise! So, I washed my hands in the toilet tank. :-p I mean, you do what you've got to do. I had desserts to make for work tomorrow, so it was a bit tricky. Managed it though. Brownie Cheesecake looks like an overwhelming success. I just have to decide now if I'm going to use a chocolate topping or vanilla. Hmmmm.

I called the landlord about the water problem, he said he was in the process of fixing it, and he'd be back in a little bit. Then he said "I LOVE YOU <3" goddamnitall to hell. I don't even know.
I was on the phone with my sister the other day, chillin in an abandoned parking lot, my foot in the window like I do. Some dude drives up and asks if I need anything, I shake my head, I'm listening to my sister. He turns around and comes back to ask me for my phone number. I just shake my head at him, and he finally gets the hint and leaves.

I started writing the story of the French pirate and Viking princess again. I'm in a better state of mind. I'm at ease. What will be will be. This story was handed to me, I might as well write it. I was doing some research for it, and it turns out the French Pirate was in the days of Robin Hood. That works out well for me. I have always loved Robin Hood and know that time frame of history pretty well. 

Life continues its spinning. I don't know which end is up, I just follow the signs. And I started writing out prayers again- but this time they're not getting sent anywhere. I don't know why it's important. I don't understand anything.

More with dreams

While I slept I pinched a nerve behind my shoulder blade. So I dreamt I was asking someone to massage it out. I was looking in the refrigerator and he reached from behind me to grab something. Instead I took his arm and wrapped it around me, making him hug me from behind. He started kissing my neck. And then I woke up.
Why do I have dreams like that?  I don't want to. It makes me think about the things I had, and things I've never experienced. It makes me want to cry, and I don't want to. I am good. I am fine. There's nothing I can't do by myself.
I was thinking yesterday evening that I don't actually know the last time someone has called me without me calling them first. Especially outside of my own family. Months.  I go weeks without talking to anyone outside of work.
That's pretty pathetic.

I'm getting involved with a church that has outreach ministries. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about them, because I am not evangelical at all. But, we'll see what happens. And it's not like I have a bunch of free time either, so we'll see. Right now I'm just following the path laid out for me in signs and wonders.
I'm at the spot where I don't see how anything could work out, but I have undying faith in the magic of following God. Scenarios play on repeat in the back of my mind, but never do I see a happy ending. I don't know how it will work. However- He is magic, so I'll wait and see. Until then, I follow blindly.

On Jesus and life

I was thinking this morning as I lay halfway between waking and sleeping about what it means to be a Christian.  How it's been taught wrong for eons.
When you become a Christian, most times you acknowledge your need of a savior, and you change your life to suit His will.
Why do you need a savior? To bridge the gap between human and God. Was there ever a gap? I doubt it. But, with the knowledge that came, and the banishment from the physical presence of God in the garden- came the idea of separation. God never left, but they felt abandoned because they couldn't see him, and knew they'd done wrong.
Now, here we are, however many years later- and we are still being taught that we are cut off from God. Jesus showed us the opposite though. Through him we have access to God, we have access to the power of God.  When we become a follower of Christ, we no longer live, but God within us. The sins we have, the fears, the guilt, the anxiety and stress- all those can fade away. The power of Jesus dying- taking on the sins of the world, - letting him experience all things that haunt us and defeating them, gives us the same power.
I don't have the power to heal, God does.
I don't have the power to love, even after being hurt. God does.
I don't have the power to have faith, when I don't see a solution, but God does.
I don't have the power to help,
I don't have the power to provide hope,
I don't have the power to rescue anyone,
I don't have the power. God does.
When I relinquish control, when I stop TRYING. Suddenly, the door is open for the power of God. Use me, give me the words, give me the faith. It's all there. Yet somehow we still try to do everything ourselves.
The one I love most in the world, he struggles with it more than anyone else I've ever known. Because he wants to be one with God. But, he keeps trying and it is not in his own power. He is under the impression that things and people can stand in his way of being one with the Father. But that is impossible.
The truth of the story in the Matrix of "There is no spoon" is profound. We're trying to bend things to make them do what we want- to make us be that thing we want to be. But it's not the way. The way is simply to BE, be love, and you will be one with the Father. Let all actions and words flow from that consciousness and you will never feel far from Him.