Tides

I was hoping to be sitting outside today by the lake on my break. Instead, I am sitting indoors, in my house. The weather didn't quite live up to its prediction. Therefore, this post.

The landlords son destroyed my flowers today that were planted on the edges of the yard, so that sucks. But then the new caretaker brought me his wife's plants that he no longer has time to care for. They've been left out in the rain, they're waterlogged so I need to repot them.

There was a cute boy that came into my work last night, by himself. We talked a little, but not a lot. What if a cute boy asks me out? What then? What do I do? I don't even know. Maybe I'll just worry about that when I come to it.

I don't know.

I seriously just sat, imagining scenarios for like 10 minutes without writing anything. That tells you how lost I am about it.

I know he hates me, but what about the promise?
I feel taken, but my head knows I'm not.
But I miss companionship. I miss having a best friend to talk to. I miss someone caring about me. I miss someone wanting me to be better than I am, for my own sake.
I don't mind being alone, don't get me wrong. But as George Strait says, there's a difference in living, and living well. My life is full of solitary magic, but not the crazy alien magic that two provide.

But, I simply don't want anyone else. Just the thought of it wigs me out. And that's insane. That's not how this society I live in operates. That's not even how he operates. 
Maybe one day I'll learn how to breathe again. Maybe one day I won't know with a certainty that he was my person, and I fd it up. Maybe I'll find another that matches my soul. Even saying that makes me want to break down in tears. It's been 6 months... doesn't one get over these things faster than that?   Ayyoub was a month later, Luke was less than a month, Mike was a month or so- this one, I remain in love with- even with the knowledge that he hates me. How is that even sane?

So do I force myself out of love by finding someone else? Is that the way to do it?   I don't even know.