The Story of the Heart Part Deaux

A couple months ago, I discovered that my heart was like a bungalow on the beach. The people I love stay for a time, some have permanent rooms, others have left and shut their doors.

Well, recently I had found a shipwrecked sailor. I took him in, and let him roam free. He mended cracks in my foundation, put up awnings. He made a garden with trellis’. I was almost to the point where I would’ve given him the keys to all the locked rooms. He’d made my life so beautiful.  But then there came the day when he said that he had to go. He couldn’t live in my bungalow any longer. He needed to go build his own.

So I let him go. Everyone needs their own beach bungalow. But mine feels empty. He didn’t have a room that I could close off, he had free roam of the whole thing. So now I need to remind myself that it isn’t empty. He isn’t gone, he just is building his own down the street. I’ve seen the plans for his bungalow, and know it will be beautiful, but I can’t help him build. He has to do it himself. So, for now I just see him around, and wave. And go home to my empty house, where I’m surrounded by the things that he updated and made beautiful for me.  Maybe one day we’ll exchange keys, but for now, I’ll be content with the garden trellis to remind me how beautiful it can be.

More Poetry and an update

I wrote this for the boy last night:

The curve of your smile
the lines of your face
the warmth of your hand
causes my heart to race

The light in your eyes
says Fear no more
I'll love you forever
of this am I sure

One step at a time
and day after day
we're growing together
"in love" as they say

My magic can save you
from the demons that taunt
from the memories and pain
and the shadows that haunt

It'll seep in your soul
my magic of joy
the laughter and leprechauns
and the aliens, my boy

What God wills to be
whatever that is
I'm right here beside you
our hands are in His




My car has died. My transmission is gone. It'll be 1600 to replace it. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of money after these past 4 months of hardly working. I've just started working again this past week, so that's good- I just can't afford anything anymore it seems like. I think I only have a month left of payments on my car, so I can switch my insurance, I think, down to collateral, which should save me over $100 a month.
Sigh.
My dad specifically asked me not to get stuck here, but I failed. I am stuck here. There are worse places to be stuck, though. At least I have a place to live and a job.
I don't know how to solve this problem.

So many emotions

There were so many emotions yesterday. I held them all in for the most part all day long, but when evening finally came, I just broke.
I was supposed to be spending one more night with the boy on the floor of his camper, but I knew as the day went on, that I wouldn't be able to. Him being kind but distant would break me. So, I ended up getting a hotel room for the night, switching the days around. He came over too to take a shower and watch a movie with me, trying to remain normal, I think. But I wasn't feeling normal. I didn't know where the boundaries were now. My body was in such a state of mass confusion and stress that I'd found it impossible to be warm all day long, so as we're laying apart on top of the bed he noticed that I was shaking. He insisted that I get under the covers, and he lay beside me, and put his feet on mine to warm them up. My body finally quit with the intense cold that there was literally no reason for. I think my core temperature was messed up.
As soon as he had left for the evening and the door shut behind him, I was doubled over in wracking cant-breathe sobs.  I guess I just had to get it all out there. It didn't last too long.
Today, I'm better. I knew I would be. I had to cry out those intense emotions and sleep it all off.

How do I proceed from here? I haven't the slightest idea. Rewind and one step at a time, I guess. We'll see how it plays out.

I'm meeting up with a woman tomorrow about a house, and then I start my job on Thursday.  Deep breaths.

When a wrench gets thrown

It's funny how you can go through life, just sailing along. Clouds and storms come along and you batten down the hatches and continue on. But when your companion hears the voice of God saying that you will never reach your destination.... what do you do?  I agonized over it for hours last night, and felt the calm that reaches you when you make the right decision. So I think it's right, but I haven't gotten the companions feedback yet.
My immediate reaction was one of, well, if A+B doesn't equal C, then I might as well abandon ship now. What is the point of staying a course without the destination?
And God said, the journey is not the destination, but the road itself.

So, now I have to figure out the rules so that I stay healthy. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like at this point.

I wasn't told to give up. I was told to stay the course. If we are both being told things that sound opposite, what does that mean?  I wish I could see the path clearly. The immediate future is hazy. The extended is clearer, but what does that mean, or am I just projecting? 

I feel like now I know what needs to be done, but I haven't gotten confirmation yet, so I'm still so unsure in my mind.

Quiet the mind, deep breaths. Moment by moment. No future, no past. Right here, right now.

So the days pass

Slowly and steadily the days continue to pass. I don't have much to relate. I did get a job, but I don't start for another week and a half. Which is fine. I'm going with Micah to Louisiana to see his family for an in between holiday trip. I am super excited to be warm ;-)  The heater in the hotel room doesn't even blow hot air. I turned it up to 90* last night, and was just comfortable, not hot, so it's obviously not right.

Today I'm going to go to fill out the paperwork for the new job, and then head out to Walmart. If the boy is still working when I get back, I'm going to go over to the Care Center. There are some lovely old people there that just need company, so I'm going to see what the policy is on visiting.  I couldn't work there, I know, it would wrench my heart too much.

As the days go by, and we discover more and more about eachother, and experience life together, I know that this decision of mine to come here was not a bad one. I'm stuck in the moment, not making plans. Relying on the path to open in front of me. It's amazing!


Time for breakfast!



****************

I finished running my errands for the day. It was kind of funny driving the 30 miles to Walmart, and seeing someone I recognized. Such a small population out here.  They didn't end up having the thing I specifically went there for, so that is going to have to wait. Very strange. Apparently they sold out of them though.
I came back and dropped some stuff off at Micah's tiny house, and then went to the Care Center. I bypassed all the people in charge, and went directly into the dining room where Bob was sitting. (I had met him this past Sunday.) He was playing bingo, so I sat with him and talked in between the calls.  And then, I left, bypassing all the people that work there. Haha. Good times.
I probably won't be able to sneak it for very long, but, I can for now!

What a good day it's been.