more drama

 So yesterday was interesting to say the least. 

He has been seeing several other people. One of them went to his apartment to see if she could find her keys, and got on his laptop and read our emails...and responded to them. Also got on his facebook and read his conversations with other people.  She and I ended up emailing back and for pretty much all day about him. It was exhausting.  Several things came to light. So, there's that. 

I'm going to go to PP today and get tested, just to be on the safe side. How horrible would it be if he did actually give me something terrible. 

To top that off, I have a covid test appointment, because one of my coworkers that I worked with recently has tested positive. So today is dr appointments. It was supposed to be a day to work on my business plan, but no. 

On that note, my massage therapist is wanting to expand and has asked if I'd be interested in coming on board with my life coaching, and doing it under her umbrella.  We'll see. We're supposed to meet up and talk about it after she gets home from Sedona sometime later this week. 

why

 I don't understand why I can't just be done.  I get myself to that place mentally and then something happens. I always forgive, I always am compassionate, and more than that I always expect this time to be different. 

Saturday he called me. I had shook him with showing up to his door and he knew he had behaved in a way that was outside his character and needed to apologize. I went over to his place and we talked at length about everything that had happened in the past few weeks without talking. We both apologized repeatedly for our part in the distance and hurt that happened.  But then, I leave and things go back to the same old his selfishness and lack of caring and respecting my heart and my time. 

I'm at the point now where I would never deny anyone my friendship, but I can not ask for theirs.  That is where I am. I can't need him to be there for me. I can't expect or want this to be a two way street because the moment I get vulnerable is when I get disappointed because he doesn't come through for me. 

Part of me just wants him to change and be the one I need him to be, the one I've seen him be- just not to me. 

The other part of me just wants to move away and move on with my life. Because I know that if I stay here my heart will stay tied. 

Or if I could just meet someone else that had any sort of potential. Sigh. 

closure

 Yesterday after work I stopped by his place with his stuff in my car. He was pissed that I just showed up. But frankly, I don't care. I needed answers. Are we done? and Can we talk? were answered with He doesn't have to talk to anyone he doesn't want to. That my email was a hate email.  So, I went and grabbed the bag of stuff and dropped it in his living room and left. The end. Funny how they all end the same. And ironically, January is the month of it. January was Micah and Luke also. Ayyoub was december.  So there's that. 

Moving on.

I applied to be the resident innkeeper at a bnb in Maryland. We'll see if anything comes of it. 

a week later

 I still have heard nothing from him, and now I don't expect to.  It's time to move on. 

I haven't been able to work on anything, or sleep, or alot of the time even be able to calm my brain with a movie or show. It's been in straight up freak out mode when all I can think about is him.  But yesterday I sent another email and basically said all that needed to be said. I slept more last night than I have lately, and while I still wake up thinking about him, the vice on my heart is not so tight. I have given up. 

I had thought that I had let go more than that, but apparently not. 

I was tempted yesterday to text the other guy. But that would be a mistake. I can't play with hearts. This heartbreak is too fresh. 

Why is it so hard for him to communicate? Why is it so hard for  him to do what is right? Why can't I find someone who loves me as much as I love them?

the torpedo

 I torpedoed him after new years. I hadn't told him yet how much the drugs freaked me out. But after new years he fell off the face of the planet again. He lied. And I couldn't help it. If I say that I love him, how can I just stand and watch him destroy his life?  So I said all the things that needed to be said. It was alot. He hasn't spoken to me since that fateful email saturday night. Which granted is only 4 days ago, but it feels like an eternity because we talk every day. And I know how much I hurt him, so to go through my days tortured because of that, able to think of nothing else... 

I wrote another this morning, trying to make him understand where I was coming from. I don't know if it will help. Or if he'll read it. 

My life has been interesting. I completed the certification course to be a life coach. I informed the world. I continue to struggle through life myself.  I continue writing the book, but not with any degree of success, especially when I'm emotionally distraught. If all I can think about is the disaster that is Heath and I- I have a hard time getting out of that to write happiness. So I have found when I'm writing, I'm writing the portions that will have the pain and the conversations she has to have to get through it.