I dreamt you lay in my bed, I told you how safe you always make me feel and other things, just sharing my heart. You said nothing, as always. It was hot, and after a little while, you got up and went to a different room, maybe even a different house. I followed a little while later, and went to your room. There was another girl in your bed, and you were asleep. I told her to leave. She hesitated, and then got up, her movement made you wake up. "no, stay," you said to her. "Go," I repeated sternly. She left. I sat down on the side of the bed. "How could you, after all the things I just told you?" There was only curiosity, no blame.
"It freaks me out when you say things like that." You said more but I don't remember now what the exact words were, but there was the feeling like you sabotage to keep expectations low and so that you don't have live up to anything.
It was true. Probably, though we've never had that talk exactly, we have sometimes skirted around it.
I don't know why you popped back into my life the other day. I wish you knew how much I hate it. I need you to stay. The back and forth kills me. I want you in all the ways for all of time. I wish you wanted me too. Sometimes you do. And sometimes you don't. I wish I understood. I wish you'd explain where your head and your heart were at when it comes to me.
In other news. I applied for a job in Oregon. We'll see what happens.
