Beginnings

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end? Or just the beginning of a new stretch. I got the job at the Ramada Inn Restaurant. I'm now their morning supervisor/server so it will be $8.50 + tips year round...! Plus nights at the Dunes, dude. This is going to be insane. Depending on how much I end up making at the Ramada will determine how much I cut back at the Dunes eventually. I figure at least for the spring I'll work both full time and then cut back in the summer. I have zero desire to work 80 hours a week. :)

Life continues at it's regular pace, working- hanging out at starbucks on the internet- kickboxing and strength and conditioning training. That's about it. It's actually been pretty chilly here on the beach for the last week or two- not getting much higher than the low 40's, but I think today is the break in the cycle. High 40's today and then progressively warmer until it gets to the mid 60's this weekend. Yay. I'm ready for another sunburn!

I'm missing the mental stimulus of my friends. I have alot of acquaintances here, but ones that have graduated to the friends status don't exist yet.

It flows, don't fight it.

So, I've been going to a bible study on tuesday nights with a pretty good group of people. One thing I've noticed is that Christians have a tendency to try too hard. It's as though there is this whole culture of having to do or say things a certain way, and if you don't live up to it, you're guilty.
For instance, we were talking last night about whether or not you still feel in bondage to things even after you've accepted Christ. (And I actually think that's a wrong term. "accepting Christ" I mean. I'll explain more about that later) Anyway, one person was saying how he feels like there's always going to be something that you haven't accepted grace for and are in bondage to.
What if you just stop trying?
You are no longer you. That is the main and simplest thing you must grasp. You are an extension of Christ. The Spirit is the thing that moves you.
When you feel distant from God, know that you are not. It's only in your own mind, you've simply forgotten to listen. He is within you.
When you do something wrong, know that that's all it is. It's not a fall from grace. There is nothing that changes the fact that God is there within you still.
The best example I can think of comes from the Matrix when Morpheus says "Stop trying to hit me and just hit me!" When Neo learns that the rules of the world don't bind him.
You want to be close to God, stop trying and know that it is so.  God is the thing that binds everything together.... the order in the universe. From the birds in the air- to the flowers peeping out of the ground. The interactions between people- our paths are ordered, people are brought into our lives for a reason. See God in it.
It's as simple as breathing. God is your breath. The fact that your lungs work, that the blood is flowing, that the synopsis in your brain are firing. All this is God, because it is not something you control. It just IS. You don't have to make yourself breath, you just do.
You don't need to accept God's grace. It just is. It flows.
Stop thinking about being a Christian. Stop thinking about the way you act. Really stop thinking about SIN.
Be. Let the Spirit flow through you.

Relaxation

So, I start back to work on Wednesday. I can't wait. I have an interview for another job an AM (year round!) job at the Ramada restaurant on Thursday at noon. So, there's that too. Only thing is, I have absolutely zero desire to work my life away. I live at the beach, which means as much time for play as possible is crucial to my life. ;)
I was really hoping to learn kiteboarding this year, but without my boys coming back- I'm not sure.

I think since I've been back here at the beach, almost 2 weeks now, there has only been one day that the sun hasn't come out at all. Until you live in a sunny area, you don't realize how crucial it is. It makes life that much happier.

Today is the kickoff for the Taste of the Beach. Lots of restaurants have specials, there's an outdoor bbq with music this afternoon. Most places around here specialize in their alcoholic beverages, and since I don't drink at all, it kindof is pointless for me. But, most people love this time of year here.
There's everything from cooking classes to beer brewing classes- to fantastic music and great seafood at lots of different restaurants.

I'm looking into getting some small pie pans, individual sized so that I can start making samples of my pies to showcase. We'll see how that goes.

There has been more in the God dept. But, for now I'm just going to let that ride so it develops further into a better story before I tell you.

Sunburns

I finally cried last night. I talked to Ayyoub and he was so nice. "When God wills, it will happen," he said when I told him about my job situation. It's not like I didn't know that, but sometimes when someone else says it, it makes it better. But, then I got off the phone and sobbed for a minute, because I so wish he was coming back to my beach. He is magical. But, not for me, and I just have to come to terms with that.
I'm fine, except until late at night, and especially following a day when I don't understand the patterns.

Today I have an appointment to look at a house at 3:45, but I still don't have a job. Tomorrow I have another appointment to look at a house... so we'll see how this goes. 

I got a sunburn yesterday- so that makes me happy. I'm thinking another sunburn is in order for today. :)

There are things I don't understand

I see the signs, I'm just not understanding the pattern of where they fit. It's like looking at moving jigsaw puzzle pieces they spin and dance around. Usually I can fit them together, but yesterday and today it's just a blur. I recognize a piece and think it should fit in somewhere, but then I can't remember where.
I got an email from a guy offering a house, a really great deal. But I haven't called him back yet because I'm stressed about not having a job.
I went to church this morning, at Liberty Christian Fellowship. I'd been there before and gotten a really bad vibe from the senior pastor- he gives off the vibe of pedophile. Which is unkind, but he just makes me really uncomfortable in his dealings with children. I figured though, I would give it another shot, I'd heard his son took over.  So I went. It was baptism Sunday. Why is that significant? Because, the Sunday I arrived here, last week, was the Sunday Mike had asked me to come to his baptism, and I didn't go. I don't understand.
There was a man standing the next row over from me. I felt the overwhelming need to pray for him. So much so I wanted to go stand and put my hand on his shoulder and pray. I didn't though, I felt like it was too awkward. He's a complete stranger. So I prayed from where I was. For what I didn't know.
We both left at the same time, but he headed in another direction than I. However, somehow, as I had to wait in line to leave, he managed to get in a truck at the exit of the parking lot, just in time for me to let him go out first. It's a divergence and reemergence of intersecting paths. I don't understand.
Where are these pieces fitting?

I don't know.

The waves crash

Today the stress has arrived. I'm trying so hard to not be stressed, but the fact remains- it's there. Spending money without money coming in is so hard. I need a job. I talked to some people, but nothing has come through yet. I'm very unaccustomed to that. I always have a job immediately. Why is the magic gone now? (Listen to me complain- I'm pretty well set currently. I'm at the beach, the majority of my family is here, the sun has been out for the last several days- the ocean is tearing up the beach, but it is glorious. It makes me sad that Ayyoub and Brandon will not be back. Kerilin is moving away in May. Mostly I'm just stressed because of the lack of job. It's been a week- and I'm going stir crazy.  I found a cheap house in Manteo that has potential, will have to wait on a call back for that one. But even if I did get it, I don't have an income currently. haha It's all about the money.  I feel like I can't do anything with the pie business without a place to make said pie. The Dunes does start back on the 22nd, but I haven't heard anything from them, so that has me concerned.
Basically I need to just relax and know that it's under control, and know what's funny, I feel like I sabotaged it by praying about it. I don't pray very often, because I figure God knows, and all I have to do is listen to the Spirit and I'll know what to do. That's how it usually happens. Well, I prayed about the Ayyoub thing- it didn't work out. I prayed about the job thing, it hasn't worked out the way I'd hoped. What does that mean? 
Maybe I got too used to the magic that happens all the time, and God is saying that He doesn't play by my rules.
I just don't know. I really don't. So, I'll just curl up in the sun and wait.

The storm rolls in

There is a storm rolling in, the waves are getting bigger and bigger, the guys on the radio tell you about the storm surge that's going to happen with the wind and the waves this evening, but right now the sun is still out, and it's still warm out. 
I haven't had the time to really process things yet. Still riding so high on the adrenaline of being back. The return to kickboxing/strength training daily regime. I'm not working currently so I've been spending alot of time with the family, which is nice. And alot of time sleeping. My sleep patterns have been off kilter for awhile, and the driving through the night on Saturday didn't help. I think Daylight Savings is on Sunday which will throw a whole other loop at me. :)

I found out last week that Ayyoub is not coming back to my beach. I feel like I haven't been sad about it yet. Maybe it's because when I first met him I heard the song "The one that got away" on the radio, and it seemed to be prophetic at the time. I knew there was no way this could actually go anywhere. I hoped I was wrong. Then back in Ohio after I found out Ayyoub's best friend wasn't coming back, I woke up one morning just knowing he wasn't coming back. Feeling like I should go visit him, but I didn't. I haven't. I want to. The question is though, if it's meant to be, should I have to fight so hard?  I just don't know.

Spring is coming, and this makes me happy.

Magic

There has been so much magic in my life these past few days. I have a hard time knowing where to start.
I got to hang out with my Dueber House guys Tuesday. That was so very nice. Friday was my long day of goodbyes and coincidental meetings. So crazy, it was almost as if God ordered my footsteps. :)
I worked in the morning, then met up with Desiree for lunch. I gave her the letter I had written to her with the group of other letters I wrote. As we sat there talking, who happened to walk in? Michael Miller. He lives over an hour away from where we were, and he knows Desiree also, so it was really good. He talked to us for a little bit and then sat down with his friends. I joined them after Desiree left and we had some good conversation. Told him about the dream. :) I left there, went south and said goodbye to Aaron. Went to see if I could find my friend Curtis to say goodbye, no luck. But as timing would have it, I ended up at Cracker Barrel saying my goodbyes at the perfect time. Marsha came in and it was her first day back from vacation, Doug showed up just as I was leaving- and he was 2-3 hours early for work.  My favorite employees were there for me to say goodbye to. It just worked out really well. I went to the library to drop off a CD, found my friends Fred and Wanda there. (They don't live in the area- they were just dropping off a donation) They had wanted to get together with me before I left, but hadn't realized I was leaving the next day, even though I had informed them of this in a past email. They wanted to get lunch, which I had already eaten about 2 hours previous, but I told them I would join them for dessert. They had to make a quick stop at the bank, so I made a quick stop to see if my friend Vanessa was working at Legends. She was. She was fixing to have 4 days off in a row in March and trying to come up with what to fill them with- my coming in reminded her that coming to see me at the beach would be a fabulous idea. ;)  So after eating with Fred and Wanda- I went to work. As I walk in the door- who is sitting right there? Elise Ramey and her mom. I hadn't seen Elise since she'd visited the outer banks in May- she used to live near us in Ohio, but now she's like 4 hours away- and she was completely unaware that I worked at that restaurant. So it was just so very very coincidental.
As I got down here to the beach, I saw the sunrise over the water- and the infinite joy of the blue skies, shining water and wind blowing filled my soul. I love it here so. It brings peace, overwhelming joy... I can't even begin to explain it.   I am home.

What a wonderful world

I've had such an epic last couple of days here in Ohio. God has been prevalent in my dealings with friends. The other day he laid it on my heart to write to the ones here that have been instrumental to my life, parts of the letters were from me and part were somehow from God.
Today I deliver the last letter, say the majority of my last goodbyes, finish up the packing- and still work another shift this evening. (And tomorrow morning.)
The sun is out now, with the birds singing as a reminder that spring is coming- and I'm going to the beach. God does special things for me, and yes, I take coincidences and make them mine, but it's nice, just the same.
Joy is in the air. Love, hope and peace are sure to follow.