End of the Year

There's so many things to think about as this year draws to a close. This year was full of dissatisfaction, actually, and I'm sorry for that. It was a year that I felt most closed off and unhappy.  But at the same time, I made true difference in people's lives. I created a home that is filled with peace and love and good things to eat.
Danette told me today that this year she plans on getting back in the studio and really working on her pottery again to sell it. - That that is thanks to me basically forcing her out to do it when I bought a booth at a craft fair and made her sit there with her pottery.  I almost teared up when I read that. 
When I was young- I read this book called "Invitation to live" by Lloyd Douglas and it was about helping people- discovering their spark, and then the follow through of responsibility once you have brought their attention to that spark.   That with love- this is what we do for eachother- awaken eachothers divine spark and fan the flames to bring us closer to HIM.
I feel like that that is what has been being developed with Danette and I these past 3 years... who could have known at that first meeting how different our relationship would become- the lines life would travel.

I have slowly been developing a friendship with Ian, Micah's older brother, but it's hard. There's so many unknowns, should we just stay at acquaintance level, or, actually be real friends? If we should be real friends, at what level are we playing from?  Or is this me, taking on another project?

It's so weird, unless I really sit down and think things through, I'm fine, I'm all good. But then the more I think the more I freak myself out. What if I'm doing life all wrong?  What if I keep making a series of bad mistakes?

the day

Today is the day. The day that Micah marries someone else. I dreamt I was there at the wedding last night... hiding, trying my hardest to not be there. I just didn't want him to see me- he would be so angry.  Sigh.
And I woke up and looked at my facebook memories- it's still at the point where I lived with him 3 years ago- so today's memory was him and I making 50#'s of mashed potatoes for the community christmas dinner for people that couldn't afford one.  Why has he not deleted that memory yet? Sigh.
It's done and over with now. So there's that.


I decided to host a Christmas party for the kids at work.  We'll see how that goes. There's going to be a white elephant gift exchange- and food and a $50 give-a-way. I feel like that's appropriate. We'll see.  I have so much to do though, because Allie is moving tomorrow... so they're all coming for dinner tonight, but I have to be at choir practice at 6- and I have to make an oreo cheesecake.


Life is so weird. I'm so tired. I don't understand anything.

next steps

I kinda broke down yesterday when I realized fate had hit again. If you date me, you will find your mate directly after or during your time with me. I should offer it as a service.

There used to be days when I thought I knew what God was speaking. Do you know what I said 3 years ago? I said that God had told me that it was not about the destination, but the journey.  I have not succeeded in following that mandate.

I can't hear anything anymore. I don't know what step to take. I feel broken. Isolated. A shadow of my former self.  I feel like the magic got stolen from me and I can feel its presence no longer.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

The journey has halted and I am at a standstill. And this is a destination that sucks. In the middle of nowhere.

travels and a wedding

I drove to Colorado on Saturday after work to bring Eve and her baby up to Denver where I handed them off to her parents. I proceeded to go visit my littlest brother Ezra who has taken a job in Breckenridge for the next year. Running on zero sleep since Saturday morning at 5am- staying alive until 11pm on Sunday was a bit rough I can tell ya.  After I left him on Monday morning, I decided to drive down to Cripple Creek and say hi to everyone that I could down there. It ended up just being Cherry- but she was really happy to see me.  And she told me that Micah is getting married in 2 weeks.
Oh boy, what are you doing?
The poor thing is not in any better shape than he was when he was with me, and their whole relationship has been long distance. They'd known eachother when they were kids- so they think they know one another. But has he told her that touch feels like fire on his skin sometimes. Does she know that he wakes up crying after a night of love and there's nothing you can do about it?  Does she know that the compassion he hides away in his heart is reserved for only those he has deemed worthy these days?  That he has no patience for anything that doesn't directly involve him?   He is not better, so how could he do this to someone else?
The only thing, she has a daughter, and that might be the thing that saves his soul and brings him out of the darkness since the majority of the darkness is from the loss of his children.

My heart is disappointed. I ask God why, as I have every day for the past almost 3 years...

The sooner I accept that there is not a happily ever after waiting for me the more content I'll be, I just haven't been able to break away completely from it yet. I'm trying though.

a month

It's been a month since my last post. I wouldn't say alot has happened- but in a way it has. My family is struggling with money, and I might have to go live with them again. We'll see.
Micah is still in a relationship with a girl that's totally in love with him. But, I see the signs- he's not nearly as invested. He's moving out there on the 7th. I wonder how long it will take before he gives up and runs away.  I know that's incredibly negative to say- but I see how he's acting. I see how he continues to treat his mother. No, of course it doesn't tell the whole story, but it tells enough of it to see that he's still broken. Maybe living there will heal his heart and teach him compassion, especially because she has a daughter. That could change things for him. Guess we'll see.

North Carolina dude quit talking to me, so that's good. It was getting very stressful. We would talk about nothing but pies and the how's the weather conversation. It was the stupidest thing ever, yet, he was under the impression that I should be in love with him- but he gave me nothing to work with.

Thanksgiving was nice. Brent came, Allie and Josh, and then of course Eve and the baby were here. This was only the second time Brent had come to spend quality time with us and it was so nice.  I can't even say how incredibly thankful I am to have him in my life. He patches the hole in my heart, he doesn't fill it, but he helps it not continually bleed.

next weekend I help Eve drive out to Colorado where she's going to live with her parents. It's been an interesting 10 months, and I'm glad she was here.

my heart is dead

It really is. I've been upset about the loss of the one I loved more than anyone else in the world for what 2... 3 years now. And I heard the other day that he has moved on. He's now dating someone else. And, I felt nothing. There was no pang, there was no hurt, there was no sadness, there was just nothing.
I think it's because there's been so many stories about how he is now. And that is not the person I fell in love with.  Maybe she will remind him who he is supposed to be. Maybe he'll be happy.
I'm sad for me, and I'm pissed at him. Just because mr I have no love left in me, and don't touch me it feels like you're burning me- is now trying again, even though he told me that I was the last one he would ever be with.

I just can't. I can't settle for less. Even when the options are there. I just can't.
Farmer dude in north carolina- that's not the life I see for myself.
short dude here- I just can't- you move too fast and just no.
Sigh. My heart is dead.

hope

what in the absolute hell? I don't know what to do with it. Why is God still pushing hope? I don't know what it means. I don't know why. I open my bible, and it has another Hope verse just staring at me for the verse of the day.

Ayyoub got married yesterday to the young one he found- the one he was interested in that spelled the end for us. It's fine. I'm glad he's happy. Do I wonder where I went wrong? Yep. I do. I do wonder why I am never enough.
I'm 33 now. Who woulda thought. This is supposed to be the golden year. The year of the end and of new beginnings. And that word Hope. I want to curl up in a ball. I don't know what to hope for. The end that spells a new beginning? Okay.  I just feel like these last two years have been agonizing, and I don't know how I'm going to not kick over the traces.

cozumel birthday

So, I left on the 6th and returned on the 13th. Cozumel Mexico- the water is everything you could ever want. It's crystal clear- the reefs and fishes are amazing. Saw all kinds of fishes, star fish, sting rays- there was a barracuda that someone saw... sharks, sea turtles... lobster. Just pretty incredible.
Down sides- I saw practically nothing culturally relevant- nothing of the island and it's history or people. Just walked a few blocks down the main strip of tourist shops and stayed inside the resort. Granted- I was trying not to spend any money- and the resort was not within walking distance to anything.
Basically, I decided that I prefer to travel alone- my time frame. - things I want to do. haha.
It was a good adventure though.

I started talking to this farmer from nc before I left, maybe a week before I left.... he sent flowers to my work the day I left- but way too much. He basically decided that he loved me way too fast without knowing me. I got home to 14 texts and 2 voicemails. The only reason I didn't have more was that my mail box was full. I can't. I try so hard, but I legit can't.

how does this happen

I don't understand the psychic connection even now. 3 years since I met him and he started to invade my soul.  So, I'm not friends with him online- so I can't see anything he posts anymore. But somehow, anything he's posted publicly on his youtube, I see within hours of him posting it. Not because it notifies me, I just have a feeling.(This is also not something I check on a regular basis. Sometimes it's weeks, sometimes it's months.) He's grown his hair out again, the top of his head completely bald. I didn't know this until later, but it actually is an indicator of how he feels about himself. If he has hair- it means he doesn't want to be attractive and thinks he looks horrible, and feels like he is undeserving of any attention.  My heart still bleeds for him. Why can he not embrace his destiny and be the man the world needs him to be? If he could find a way to the grace and compassion that he holds locked away- and let it loose- he could be such a force for change. But, he has been imprisoned, and though the key is within reach, he cannot reach for it, the enemy has blinded him.


There have been more talking to other guys on my side.
The most recent was Jason in Wisconsin. He was interested for two days, and then stopped. Who knows why. 
There is never any answer to that question. It is simply that it is not meant to be in my life.  So on I go.

What is next? What steps do I take? I have no idea. Do I leave? Do I stay? I don't know.

you know how sometimes

you know how sometimes clarity strikes and epiphanies happen?  I didn't cry, but there are tears not far below the surface.
For the past 3+ years my life has been wrapped up in a mess, a mess that has largely involved Micah, and Eve. 3 years ago I was in the process of leaving the outer banks, on my way, I would stop in Colorado meeting Micah and visiting Eve for a week - cementing our friendship that had been brief and long distant for the year and a half prior.
I was able to be there for her through out the whole mess that happened with her life and relationship- and by the time it was over, I was living in a place that she was inclined to go, and I had the friends to build her a support group.
Now if Micah and I were still together at this point- because of his issues with his ex's not letting him have anything to do with his children and destroying him with that.... he wouldn't be on Eve's side with this. He would be on her exs.. and it's easy for me to feel compassion for him- because I too think of Micah's situation. But, it is not in Eve's best interest- she needs to be harsh and strong- because of the damage he's done to her and will continue to do if given an inch. So, being on the outside looking in, I can advise her to be strong. And not allow him grace- because grace solves no problems and only creates them. This is a case where harshness is the only answer that shows love. Hard love, but love.
So the moral of this story- I see now why we couldn't be together at this point. It would have destroyed us.

and so I cried

Dude seriously. So f'd up.
I asked Danette this afternoon if she could have some girl time/talk with me because she's the one person that knows everything about the situation and I can talk freely about God with.  So, she calls me back and says that she's talked to Micah, and asked him about letting me come over to the house. He agreed, with the conditions being that there be no contact. So, that being the case, would I come over?
I said I'd have to think about it. Because that totally threw me for a loop. I can't even tell you. I sobbed. 
I didn't go. I don't think it's right to invade. Especially since he and that story is the one I must talk about.

seriously f'd up.

So, in the whacked out story that is my life here goes this one.

Eve is telling me that she joined plenty of fish, but her profile keeps getting deleted. So, I figure I would get on and see if mine did the same thing.  So, I go to the site, and 4 years ago I had made a profile on there, and it was still there. It was hidden, so that no one could find me. So yesterday morning, I unhid it, just to see what would happen.
Straight off a person named Micah messages me. and then another guy that looks interesting, and ironically his name is Dane.  (My Micah has a brother named Dane.)  Anyway, I basically shut down the guy named Micah because he sent me a picture I didn't want to see, especially straight off... but I continued to talk to the guy Dane... he was an interesting person. Agreed to meet up with him, so he came up here and we went to the local mexican restaurant. Had good conversation,  and it was raining out, so I told him he could come back to my house and sit on the couch. So, we just chilled at the house for the next few hours.  It got to the point where we didn't really know what more to say and I could tell he was wondering if he should make a move- so I sent him home. Nicely- and told him that I'd like to hang out tomorrow if he wanted to.  So, anyway- after he left I texted him saying thanks for driving up, for a good afternoon, all that stuff and his response was just "welcome". So I don't think that we'll be seeing eachother again.  I was in bed, just thinking about stuff, the weirdness of the coincidences, I mean, seriously God, what the hell? This guy Dane is basically the not quite christian version of my micah.  Lot of guns, a taurus, super handy, loves his dog. Has visions that come true, likes people, but doesn't at the same time- just wants to get away.  I didn't ask if he played any instruments, but I didn't get that impression. So that's different. Neither one of them read very much, and neither have any appreciation for sports or tv.
So, it was just weird.  So I'm laying there stressing. God, why? What do you want from me? was my hearts' cry.  So I open the bible app on my phone just to get some answers maybe, and the first thing I see?  The verse of the day that they picked was this:  "rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
Do you realize how much that applies to the situation?  "Hope" was the word for moving here. Everything was about hope in the face of darkness. Prayer- the only thing asked of me. The only thing I can do.  When I saw that- the tears fell.   I miss him. I want to move on, but the universe keeps saying no. Why, God? Why?!

whining

I feel like that's pretty much all I use this blog for. To whine about how relationships aren't going the way I want. To vent my frustrations.
There's so much more to my life though.
Eve is moving out of my house this weekend/beginning of next week. She should be out by the time I get home on Tuesday. Which, is a little sad and a little happy. I'm glad to to able to use my house as much as I want, I'll be able to eat when and if I want and not worry about what they're eating. My electric and water bills will go down.  I'll be able to wear just my underwear to bed if I want. 
But, I won't have anyone to talk to, and I won't have a baby to cuddle with. So that's sad.

I still talk to Brent every single day. I can't even tell you how much of a difference that makes to my life. We are so not alike in so many ways, but just to have him there to talk to, so say hi. I have him to laugh with.
With Micah being out of the picture- I've felt so lost. I had discovered what it was like to have a best friend that you could talk to and laugh with- to feel at home with. Now, I don't have all that exactly with Brent, because we don't see eye-to-eye about certain things, but it's enough that that hole, that ache can be assuaged- at least for a little while.
But then I dream, I dream of him and the ache returns in full force. All I can do is pray for him, but I'm at the point now I don't even know what to pray. And part of me just says enough is enough, stop thinking about him- and the other part says that I got to have hope.  But I don't even know what to hope for.
Hope for him to finally embrace his destiny? Hope for him to get his head on straight? Hope for him to realize that love wins?  I cannot see us ever being together again. But that breaks my heart too, because of the knowledge of what we had started and how great that could have been.  And the fact that I really can't see myself with anyone else ever again.  I try because I don't want anyone to say that I am not trying. But I can't. I just can't. Body, Soul and Spirit have to connect and if I only have one, I just can't.

Life returns to normal in a couple days, and frankly, I can't wait. But, I'm also still at a loss for what to do now. Wait and see.

georgia

So I'm here at my aunts place- bored. Been watching too much tv. But don't know what else to do. motivation is hard. There are days I only speak a dozen words.  I could go hiking, but I didn't want to do all the hikes the first week. Obviously there's more than that, but, going to see too many waterfalls in a short period of time leaves you a bit... numb to their beauty. 
Nice days I go spend the mornings back on the lake- sitting on the beach or on a floaty in the water. It's not a bad life.  It's just pretty sucky being alone and not doing anything. Not having anyone to talk to. I am not created to be a hermit.
I have 9 more days.
I did go on tindr to see if I could find anyone to hang out with- I mean, just having someone to go out on hikes with, would have been a nice thing. But, that didn't really pan out. There was a couple that were interested, but not really- and then one that was- I did end up driving the hour and 45 minutes to meet him, but that was a bust. He was nice, but not confident at all in who he was. And short. So- that was a bummer.
Which brings me to my current rant. Why are guys not man enough to express interest? If you're interested- be goddamm interested!
I had a friend that I've known for 11 years or so, tell me that he's always wanted me. We lived near by, sorta, for a few years, and since have lived really far apart. We have close to nothing in common but a good sense of humor.  So, I have never seen it being a thing to pursue, and, he's never really made any steps in that direction besides hinting.  I need a man to want me. To pursue me to the ends of the earth. But, a man such as that does not exist, I fear.
How does everyone else have someone made for them, yet mine just say no. Not you. Not this lifetime. How am I 33 almost - I've got 9ish more years before menopause- and then apparently everything isn't fun anymore. I have fire in my veins and a heart brimming over with love to give- but no one wants it, (just the good time roll in the hay) and I'm about to be old.  It's just sad. Oh well.

it's over

Once again, work is over. It's time for a new shift. I'm going to go to Boone NC on Tuesday, and then I'm going to go to Asheville and hangout there for a little while- and then I'm going to go to Aunt Barbs on Thursday. I'll be there for 2 weeks house sitting for her. I'm a little concerned about being there for 2 weeks by myself with no one else for company- or work. I know I'll be bored. 

I'm sure I'll be catching up on any writing I can do and reading. 

It's such a crazy life. I don't know one end from the next. I don't know what steps to take. 

dreams again

I dreamed of him again last night. I think it started with a dream of me finally buying my ticket to Cozemel, and he was on the same connecting flight out of lafayette. Then it changed to a dream that we both lived on the same property- we weren't speaking still. He got a dog- that like me more than him, so he called it a traitor. He got a kitten also, that got out and got lost in the in the meadow, - it was kind of my fault, so I had the dog help me go find it. He was having visitors come up to see his work shop, so I'd tell them where to find him. Towards the end of the dream he was starting to speak to me again- instead of the awkward "I see you, but I'm not going to acknowledge you."
 Dreams. I tell ya.
It's subconsciously the thing I want most, though obviously I'm saying it now.  I hate the wall. I hate not being allowed to speak to him. I hate that I can't go over to his parents house because he'll be there. I hate that he wishes to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.
Why do I still miss him?
Why is there no one else?

introspective

You know how sometimes you just have to stop and think about your life, and why it is the way it is? And question everything, and everyone...? 
Personally, I've been trying to figure out my next step for the past 2 years. I completed my goal of backpacking Europe for 2 months, and I just didn't know what to do when I got home. I felt that I should move to Louisiana- though why, didn't make sense to my rational brain, so I tried to rationalize it. There have been such good things to come of that move, but other incredibly difficult things also. Because I live a life free as the wind, I'm constantly wondering where it will blow me next. I find myself perpetually defining my happiness by people in my life. I have a nagging feeling that I'm supposed to have a goal- to be working towards something. But, there's just nothing. Just BE is whispered to my soul. The idea of existing in each moment for the moments sake, and let ambition fade away, there's no promise of tomorrow, or a brighter future than just right now. But then there are moments of difficulty, and then the tendency is to dwell on the past- on how you should have done something better. Or to dwell on the future- on how that moment will spawn more moments of difficulty.
I guess I feel like my life is like a book, but I've gotten to a really long descriptive part...it's cool, but what's next? Or does it just stay like this?

so much

So much to say.

I packed up some clothes and began the road trip to the beach. I went first to stop with my aunt outside of Dallas- it was nice to catch up with her.  She wanted me to stay for several days, but I was on a mission. Next stop was Lake Ouachita in Arkansas- somewhere that had never been on my horizons before- and it was beautiful. I want to go back and do some further exploring.  Then!!! I continued on my merry way and stopped at Cummins Falls State Park- where you hike down to a waterfall to swim at the bottom of the falls in the pool. It was absolutely incredible. Also a place to return to.
Then I continued up to Ohio where I spent the night with the schnabels- toured the changes made on their farm and caught up on life. The girls have gotten so big. It's so crazy to see the way life changes- and yet ever stays the same.  The next day I spent with Erin- we went dress shopping for her- and ended up getting some shoes and going to our old cracker barrel for lunch. But I had a headache that evening so I just went to my brother's house and had an early night. Too much driving and excitement over the last few days. The next morning I went to John Geib's bible study- he was pretty happy to see me, so that was cool- and then after that I visited Fred- the old man who thinks I'm an angel- like for real. Which is crazy. I hadn't been able to stop and see him at all the last few times I was back there- so it was important that I stop by.  Then- I went to see Matt. He had told me he was worried about my visit- but in my opinion it was quite wonderful. We laughed- we adventured- we played games- we talked business and coffee- it was just really fun.  I left there at like midnight and drove down to where Aaron Shaw is staying at his grandparents and renovating it.  Had some wonderful conversation with him too- and finally- made it here to the beach. Last night I resumed my work at the Dunes.

Just gotta make some money- and then it's back to Louisiana.

the unicorn

I sent the unicorn a text to say happy birthday today.  I have to admit to missing him sometimes too. We spoke the same language. At least, for a time.

There are two guys sort of talking to me right now... I can't even tell you how tense I feel about it. I can't even get words out straight. I've been rereading some of my messages, and there have been spelling/grammar errors as well as forgotten words. How? I have no idea. Not proof reading- writing on my phone instead of the computer, I have no idea. It's embarrassing really. 
So, I don't know how interested to be in these guys, if I am actually interested, if I have it in me to be interested. I just really don't want anyone else, but I feel like I HAVE to move on. But at the same time, I feel like this is just me saying that I have to move on, that it's me making the moves, and not allowing God to make magic happen. I didn't try to meet Ayyoub, or Luke, or Mike, or Micah. They all just happened. I feel like in doing this I'm telling God he doesn't know what He's doing. That I am in control of my life again, not Him.  But, on the flip side- nothing has happened in months. God has been quiet, so is He waiting for me to do something that allows Him to move, or did he just want me to be patient and wait and  hope.... for what?!

mothers day

My youngest sister posted a picture of my mother, and I was shocked. She looks so old. Haggard is probably the best word for it. I'm sure it has to do with my dad's health and the family finances, but she looks rough, and that worries me. She's always looked young and pretty.

Eve is struggling a bit with it being mother's day, so I hope today goes alright. I just invented a pie, and I have rigatoni and meatballs planned for this evening with salad and bread. We'll see. I don't know how to make people happy besides feeding them.

Erik- my friend from Florida who is currently serving 7 years in jail for being stupid- sent Eve a mothers day card that made us both tear up. It was so kind and nice. There are always moments like that.. that make a difference.


It's his birthday. sigh.

woes

I can't even begin to tell you how badly I'd like to booty call you.  I miss you so incredibly much. There are still tears that well up and threaten to drop. Sometimes they spill over.  It's almost been 3 years since I met you, and 2 years since you last loved me. How could my heart be so full even still for someone that only was in my life for a year? Your birthday is next Sunday. I wish I had a magic wand that could cure your heart, your head. I still pray for you consistently.  How has nothing changed? How can you still be fighting that same fight, over and over and over again?  Remember when you shared your first battle with me? Remember how you let me help you fight? Remember how you didn't resist the help, and could see the fight from different eyes, and you won that battle? 
There is part of me that is glad I don't have to fight you for you every day, but I also feel like I would have won. You would have learned to trust my love, because somehow it never dies. 
There is the person you want to be, the person you know you were created to be. Why won't you step out and be that person? Why do you tell yourself that it's okay to not be?  Why won't you accept help? Why won't you try different things to help you fight your demons? 

I look at my life and I just wonder why. Why is there no one else? There has been little moments of guys interested, but they've only been moments. As though they exist merely to help me stay sane myself, to not view myself as someone unattractive and unable to draw the attention of a man. But no one stays interested. And it's not as though I put out, I don't. I can't. And it's not that they know that either. Well, some of them do, but they were asking for something I was unable to give. NSA arrangements.  No one interested in me for me.
You were such fleeting moment in my life. So there is no reason for me to think that you ever truly loved me. Because if you did, wouldn't you still? Or  am I a love killer?
I'm going to be 33 this year, and I feel like my love story is over, before it ever had a chance to begin really truly in earnest. I don't get a happily ever after, and I'm sad about that. 
And see, that's the strangest thing of all. I'm okay. I'm not blissfully happy, I'm not depressed. I'm sad, but I'm okay. It doesn't consume my waking thoughts to an extent that it would monopolize my life. It's just one of those facts of reality.
But then there are days, days like today when my body craves a man. When my soul just misses you, how connected, how in tune I felt. You are and quite possibly always will be the best thing that ever happened to me.  For better or for worse.

sleeping baby

It's been a very full couple of weeks. I quit at Sydnie Mae after only working 3 weeks. I wasn't getting enough hours, nor was the pay suitable for the hours rendered. Plus, there's that uniform. So, I quit. Nicole at Joie de Vivre had been begging me to come work there for months, so I finally went over to talk to her, even though I didn't really want to. She'd been so pushy for me to come there to begin with, and I heartily dislike having my hand forced.  But, it worked out. I went in to talk to her, and I'm basically taking her position, so, we'll see how that goes. So far the money hasn't been anything to write home about, but I am working by myself, and I do enjoy that.

Eve's been having trouble getting the baby to go to sleep, so when I got home from work I volunteered to put her to bed. We read books for a little while, and then I let her cry herself to sleep. Eve has never let her cry herself to sleep, and she's going to be one on Monday. I let her go to the grocery store and visit one of our friends while I did this. It was probably for the best, because she can't stand to have the baby cry. Step one complete. Next step will be having her put the baby to sleep just letting her cry. For me it probably took 10 minutes or so of her crying, and some of it was that angry sob of "you can't make me sleep" but- she was so tired that eventually she relaxed and closed her eyes.

late night talks and other tales

I was fine. Stressed, but fine. Then the restaurant didn't give me but one shift this week. I can't live on one shift. So, I have to find something else. I really don't know what to do. In desperation, I said, "well, maybe it's time to do my own thing. Have my own place." So Eve and I started brain storming. I even came up with a menu.
But then we talked for 4 hours one evening, til almost midnight. It was hashed out and realized that I really don't need to be starting my own place. The future that I see for myself doesn't involve a restaurant. It's one of the paths I could take, but it's not the one suited for me at this time. Or maybe, I do need to to it now and get it out of the way, but it doesn't solve the immediate need for money.
Eve saw that the donut place was hiring, so went in to inquire for me, but it's a 1am-10am shift, and that's stupid. I have zero desire to work graveyard shift. I'm sure it doesn't pay well enough to make that even a considerable option.
I sat and I searched for current job openings in the area, and there's just none that I qualify for. Even being a construction helper for someone other than Andre- I'd need experience backing a trailer, which I don't have. I'm really at a loss for what to do.

I went to walmart today to get cheese for quiche. Now, I didn't want to go to walmart for cheese, they don't ever have the kind that I want. But I figured I'd try anyway. I walk in the door, the greeter is one that I haven't seen in a long while, I say hello. I go to the cheese section- they have a new brand that they've never had before- this is exciting. I get two different choices.  As I walk to the other side of the store I see so many mothers younger than me- wedding bands on their fingers.  And I have to choke back a sob, right there in public. Tears spring to my eyes. I cry out to God, "why?! why did he have to leave me all alone. not living the life intended for us?"  I force the tears back and under control. 2 years later and I still cry over him. This is pathetic.
I see two more people I know as I leave at the check out counter.
Why did I have to go to walmart?
Will love ever step my way again?
What am I going to do for work?
How am I going to live?
How am I going to take care of my friend that is living with me? It makes me unable to run back home.

Easter and thoughts

There's nothing better than a porch day. The sun shining, the breeze rustling the trees. The bird feeder I put on the tree in front of the house has been a hit with the birds around town. I have to fill it every 2-3 days. I have flowers blooming, and that makes me happy. Danette gave me back the planters I gave her when I left to go to Florida, and the banana tree is making a comeback, so that's good.

Danette is moving back home to Henderson. Things are not fixed between her and Kenneth, but they cannot afford to have her living on her own anymore. I can't even tell you how ironic I find it, that this happens on Easter.... and april fools day. haaaaaa.

Easter, because good friday is a picture of the day hope died. All seemed lost. Sometimes those days of lost hope last for way longer than the 3 days.  But the day of resurrection, the day the miracle of all miracles... hope is restored, faith found a way. Everything changes. The one who IS love, conquers even death.
I pray that restoration finally finds them. That they can start fresh.
And April fools, because, I mean, seriously, realistically, without both of them going into this with a heart of love, how can this work?



And my life. I'm ever lost. The one I love(d) continues to haunt my dreams and waking moments. It didn't help getting to talk to his brother last week. I miss him. I wish I could help him. I know that I can't.
Work is giving me incredible anxiety and I don't know which move to make. I don't know how to live.

existential crises

So, I've started at the new restaurant- where I have to wear a vest and a tie. It's a bit much. The money I've made this week, makes it seem not at all worth it. The only way it'll work out, is if we go on a wait and we make a shit ton that way, but as it stands, there's been too many people to make anywhere near enough money.  So that's stressful. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but we'll see.

Andre asked me to take care of his bookkeeping work too after he gets his mess sorted out. So I feel like I should take some classes so I have an idea of what I'm doing. Because as it stands, I really don't. I'm just faking it.

But why would I put that much effort into doing something I really don't want to do. But then that begs the question, what do I actually want to do? I want to wait tables on the beach and be able to make enough to no worry about things and to have plenty of time to lay by the water and/or go swimming.

But is that the life I'm meant to live?

I don't know. I'm not miserable here, I'm just lonely. I'm lonely for people that I don't have to play a part around. Here you've got to watch what you say as far as politics. And lifestyles are so different. If I was looking for a guy, chances are, he wouldn't be found here.

I question everything. What the hell am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish? Why does my life look like it does?

information

I met up with Larry this evening, he has been going through a rough patch- anyway- we ended up talking about Micah.
He told me that I was in the wrong when I stayed friends with his mom- that from Micah's perspective, I chose her over him, and I failed him as his ride or die kinda girl.
I can't even tell you how much that broke my heart. Why does my heart still break over him?  I would have gladly done anything for him- I would have stayed by his side til kingdom come. And yet, subconscious or not- he felt that I failed him.

I'm so sad.

exhausted

I'm just so tired.

I'm cranky too. Comes with the territory, I guess, but damn.

When it comes to boys, I got on Tindr to man shop. At first it seemed promising, matched with several right off the bat, and then nothing came of it. They'd talk for a few days and then fall off the planet.
I'm just tired of being alone. Not that I really am dying to be in a relationship, but I really do miss having someone that finds me attractive and wants to do life with me.
Basically I found that they just wanted me to be their real life porn buddy... and that's just frustrating.
I'm pretty sure I have alot to offer, but no one wants it. And that's disheartening.

Work has been a huge bundle of stress.

My boss is being super shady. and that stresses me out, and hasn't been paying me on time, and is gone all the time. And doesn't talk to me as much so I have no idea what I'm dealing with. And that stresses me out so incredibly much.
He's taken money from the salon account--- for sheets for his bed. Seriously. And had me pay myself from the salon acct even though I don't have the money for it. - I only accepted because I need to pay rent in the morning. But he has to put it back tomorrow- I have to pay the girls.

sigh.

I just have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

it's been rough

I've had the most ridiculous week.
My boss decided to take over a nail and hair salon- due to missed rent. Then, he decided he didn't have time to run it, so here, Rebekkah- you take care of it. So- I've been doing that. But, the girl on the nail side was stealing- and wasn't licensed- and when pressured decided to come take everything. There is now a full on police investigation happening all because I called the cops. It's been incredibly stressful.

Now I'm trying to do both the granite work and the salon work, I have no idea what I'm doing on either job, I'm just faking it. So far it's been fine, but it's not going to stay fine. I'm super worried about it all. I'm afraid I'm going to miss something and it'll be all over for these girls who are depending on me to make this business work.

I need signs, I need a name for sure, I need insurance maybe, I need to make sure the taxes are being taken care of. I need systems in place, I need more parking, I need to advertise.  I need a phone and credit card machines. Sigh.


We'll see.


In other news, I went man shopping last night, because I've been so lonely. I don't know why. Found one that seems interesting, we'll see. From Minnesota.

it's funny

it's funny how sometimes you just can't seem to get words out onto paper.

I want to write. I want to write about my life so that one day I can look back and read, and remember things that I'd forgotten.

I received an email back from the one that used to love me yesterday. I had sent him one, just as an apology and mostly just to remind him of who he is. I hear his new songs, I hear stories of him from those that know him, and I worry. He's in such a bad place and I swear he's getting worse.  The letter I sent asked nothing of him, I didn't actually even know if he'd read it. I just wanted to speak words of affirmation. I just wanted to speak words of life.

His response- his response was one of, "if you ever drive down my road or are anywhere near my property, I will consider that a threat and will use any force necessary."  I had dreams of being killed by him because of it.  He is on the fast train to crazy because he won't step away and see reality.  Why would he say that to me? Because a year and a half ago he tried to break up with me over a text message even though he was 5 minutes away, and I drove over to his house and texted him back and asked him to come outside and talk to me face to face.  He was so mad at me for that. I still don't understand why. You don't end a relationship over a text message. Not one that's been a year in the making and to someone you professed to love 2 weeks prior.

I don't understand why he doesn't choose to do what he knows to be right. He professes that he wants to be like Jesus- but chooses not to. He wrote a song recently crying out to God, 'why am I loveless and childless?" - um. because that's what you chose.  He's got voices in his head that he thinks are God and they're really not. If they were they'd be leading him into a life of Love- not a life lived in misery of selfishness.  I get it that it's hard to make your brain do what you want sometimes, but it's like any muscle- you've got to work it.  If I hibernate and close in on myself when I feel hurt and alone and anti-social- how will I get over it?  I won't. I've got to break the bonds and go out and find something to do that makes the world better- either an experience or an interaction.

It's funny. It made me realize how much "I" don't love him. I don't love him. I love the idea of him, the him who was awesome when things were good and we were best friends and love reigned.  But now, I realize that God loves him so much- and He was using me to show it. But everytime I reach out, I get bitten.

good times and bad

It's like everything is fine, I see friends, I get invited to do things, I go to church, things come together quite magically. But then days that I go not hearing from anyone, when I realize I always make the first move- when I listen to something other than the christian station on the radio because I think I'll be fine- and then I just want to curl up and be done with everything.  It's as though there is a hole just waiting to slide into just on the edge.

My boss took Friday - Monday off again this week so he can spend time with his lady friend in Baton Rouge. He tells me way more than he should, but I'm like his best friend, so he tells me everything. He told me that they finally did it the other day- and made love for 2 hours straight. He told me that he was laying on the couch and she just laid down on top of him and napped for a solid hour- because he was that comfortable to her.  I listen, and am happy for him, but deep inside I'm so jealous. I wish someone loved me. I wish someone wanted me.

But here I sit, alone in my house, struggling to keep up appearances- forcing myself to a happy place. Where faith and hope reign supreme. But deep down, my heart is still broken... I still feel lost.... I still feel like an exile waiting to be called home.

It's 5 oclock on a Saturday night. I could stay in and watch movies and drown my depression with avoidance. I could go watch a friend of mine play at a restaurant- problem- he's married and likes me too much- but I haven't seen him in awhile, so it would be nice of me to go support him.  I could also go to a church service.... 
I don't know. I don't know what will truly help. I don't know how to kick it, except to just brush it under the rug.

I love my life, I love my house, I love how taken care of I am by the Father. It's amazing and I'm so eternally grateful to be able to share the joy and the magic .