life, magic, healing, faith

I don’t know about you, but I do my best thinking right before I fall asleep or just before I wake up. 

 

 This morning I was thinking about the crisis I was having yesterday. I had read that people can’t really heal other people unless they themselves have been healed of the same issue. 1. Because their bodies now have the knowledge on the molecular level of how to heal this problem. 2. Because you can’t fully understand unless you’ve stood there yourself. It makes sense to the practical mind.

 

I haven’t had too many issues in my life. Not like most people. I credit this to my family life. Not that all of us in the family even had the same experiences, but for me, I never doubted I was loved, so this was the basis of my health and life. This being the case, and yet knowing that I have been called to be a healer, how can I possibly if I haven’t needed healing? If I have never suffered to the extremes as most people? I also worry that this is me still needing to BE someone or DO something. We are told we have a purpose and our ego imagines it to be something incredible.

 

I sent a text to a friend detailing this idea in a more concise manner, and her response was to remind me that worry is the opposite of faith. Sometimes I need reminding.

 

So as I’m waking up this morning, I am thinking about faith. We all know the story of Peter walking on the water to Jesus, and I’ve felt for some time that this applies to my life so well. Peter’s in the boat, he sees Jesus, so he asks if he can join Him out on the water. Peter wants to experience the magic. So, Jesus says of course! As Peter’s walking out to Him, all of a sudden, he’s like, what the hell am I doing?! The people back in the boat think he’s crazy. Isn’t it enough that Jesus can do magic? Why do you have to? Because I mean really, Jesus at least had a point, he needed to get from the shore to the boat. You’re just out there for the heck of it. And so he sinks, and Jesus has to grab him.

 

Here I am, I wanted magic in my life. So when He said Go. I went. When He said Stay. I stayed. The crowd behind me all thinking that I’m crazy, because, really, what is the point?! I just have to shrug. I want to be like Jesus in every way that I can. So now we’ve come down to the issue at hand. Healing. The whole point of it is this: “I” cannot heal people. “I” have never had to go through these things that others have. However! Jesus has. With His death, He took on the sins of the world. Sickness, disease, pain and sorrow- and defeated it all. Therefore, while I cannot heal, I am given the ability to use His power to heal and mend and restore. But only through Him. I doubt it will be in big ways. But it’s in the small ways that really make a difference in individual lives.

 

So onward I go.

Music & late nights

We were busy at work, the kitchen crashed and burned. One togo order waited 2 hours. But there was literally nothing I could do.
I sold out of cheesecake. So I had to make cheesecake late last night. But prior to that I had halfway made plans to go see some music, so as I finished work late last night I went home and changed- still debating whether or not to go out. Danette and her friends were going out also and wanted me to join them. So, I decided to go out.  I couldn't relax, I kept thinking that it was 11pm and I still had to make a cheesecake, which would take at least an hour and a half. haha. Plus the half hour drive home.., so I ended up leaving at 11:30.
I was also just struggling missing the boy. I was surrounded by Cajuns, and for some reason it just hurt my heart. Sigh. Maybe one day it won't feel like I'm missing my lungs.

The other story

So, the original story.

Like 2 weeks ago my landlord came over and asked if there was anything he could do for me. I told him that the toilet runs a lot. So, he sent Arlen, the farm hand, over to fix it. So, he tries. And makes it worse. He had told me that day that he was going to be moving. And he also told me when he failed to fix the toilet that he was going to tell the landlord that he had. I was flabbergasted. Well, because he was leaving, I figured I'd just live with the problem toilet. Until it got too annoying.  Arlen was still around, so last week I bought a complete new set of intestines for the toilet. I texted him and asked him to fix it, but I never got a response. A few days later, I'm starting to get a little pissed that he hasn't responded to the text, or gone to fix it, so when I get home, I go knock on the door of the shop where he stays at night.  I hear a voice of a black man talking on the phone. "**** someone's at the door. **** **** " he comes over to the door and knocks back. Still trippin' on the phone and freaking out that I knocked on the door. Completely weirded out, I go back to my house.
A couple days later, I see Arlen out at the barn, so I go over to him and ask him to come fix it, and why hasn't he answered my text?  - Apparently his phone is out of service currently.

He fixes the toilet. And asks me if he can take a shower, the house is locked, so his only option is showering in the barn. Of course, he can.  After he's done he asks me to take him to the gas station for cigarettes.  Meh. But, fine, okay. We come back to the house, I sit down on my bed and read my book. Probably an hour later- (it's now dark outside) a knock is heard, and the front door opens, and Arlen lets himself in?  Wtf.  Okay, What's up?
The other guy is trying to kill me! he tells me. He goes to sit on the couch.
What??!!!
He's got a machete, and a baseball bat.
Do you want me to call the cops?
No.
Do you want me to call the landlord?
No.
Okay.... ?
He gets up and closes the blinds so that no one can see in.  I'm a bit weirded out.
He sits down again and proceeds to tell me that Teddy (the landlord) wants him gone, that everyone thinks he's stealing stuff. That he can't leave because he has no money. That he might as well commit suicide because Teddy's going to have him killed if this guy outside doesn't do it. And he doesn't want me to call the police because of the ramifications- whatever. Makes no sense to me.
After listening to him rant for awhile, he quiets down and I think he falls asleep. Nope, he abruptly asks me if he can sleep in here for the night.  My mind is screaming uh hell no. But my mouth says, dude, seriously?  How are you going to solve this problem?
He doesn't have any answers, so I step outside to call the landlord, after all, these are his employees.
As I am standing in front of the barn, the other guy, the black man, comes walking up to me with the flashlight, muttering "I'm going to kill him." and then to me "WHERE'S ARLEN?"   I shake my head at him. "I am not involved, I'm just out here making a phone call."  "I know you're friends. He's a bad man."  He proceeds to introduce himself and discuss all of Arlen's failings- I start walking towards my house again and he follows me. So I get in my car and drive away. This situation was getting to be more than I knew how to handle.
The landlord didn't answer his phone, his wife didn't answer either. So I called Micah's dad. What do I do?!  Call the police.
So I did. I drove back up to the edge of the property so that I could see when the police got there and I could see the black guy walking the property searching still with the flashlight. Super epicly creepy.
Finally the cops come.
Arlen refused to press charges. He wouldn't tell the story straight, it seemed like he was lying about everything because of the way his story would change. Like he was trying to not get this guy in trouble. Luckily, I told the cop that Arlen had threatened suicide so they ended up taking him to the hospital for the night. Thank goodness.
I was a bit freaked out about staying in the house knowing there was a creepy black man still on the loose, so I went to Micah's mom's house for the night. And you know how the story went already.

The first of two stories

I'm going to write about this out of order because I want to think this part of the story through.

Yesterday there was some crazy happenings here on the farm. I ended up calling to police, and being involved in a life threatening situation. Due to this fact I did not sleep at my house, I stayed with Micah's mom.

That is the story I want to tell, at her house, we were discussing her day, because it had been filled with one thing after another to be topped off with a call from me because of my situation. I felt so incredibly bad for imposing, but I was super sketched out with the whole situation.  Anyway, one of her friends shows up to the house while we're talking. Her name is Stephanie, she is very loud, an actress, and has recently had to come to grips with the fact that her mother knew she was abused as a child and did nothing about it. Basically she's having to relive trauma that occurred 40 years ago.

I sat and I just listened to the stories, being regaled by this woman. The life she's had. The horrors visited upon her, yet at the same time, the amazing people brought into her life, and listening to the lives she's effected.  At one point during the midst of these tales, Danette (micah's mom) started explaining who I was to Stephanie. The first thing used to describe me was "Christian" followed by attributes of Christianity, hope, love, patience- etc. I don't really remember. I was completely embarrassed by it, and also, strangely, incredibly put off by being referred to as a Christian first and foremost.  As if that defined me.
Yet it does.
Yet it doesn't.

I want to be defined by the attributes of Christianity, but I don't want the title. I think there are too many negative connotations even to me.
Even still there are so many things that I disagree with, that comes standard with the term of Christianity.

As I got up to go to bed, Stephanie said "I'd hug you, but I'm sweaty."  I just looked at her with that look that says 'don't be an idiot' and held out my arms. She stood up and hugged me, and then broke down in tears and asked me to pray for her. I immediately sat down on the floor in front of her and took her hands and started praying. I had no idea what to pray, and even now I couldn't tell you what I said. But I prayed and then she prayed and I prayed again.  It was incredibly powerful.  I couldn't tell you the purpose of prayer. It means different things to different people. But this was a moment in which God was able to show his love.  I can't describe it better than that.
I went to bed- knowing that that was the reason I was there that night.
How bizarre.

January the 12th

It's a momentous day in history. It's my mother's birthday. It was my last day in Colorado with the one I love(d) last year.

This morning before I woke up, I dreamed that I was raped. I was in the hospital, and the only person I wanted was Micah. And he wouldn't come. People would say that I would be okay, but I didn't believe them. The only one I felt I could trust was him, and he wouldn't come.

So I woke up emotional. I haven't translated that dream into my conscious world- haven't figured out what my subconscious was trying to tell me.

Yesterday I got shopped by the ATF at work, and failed. I swear the kid's ID said that he turned 21, 1-5-2017 but apparently, according to the cop it said, 2021. I don't know if I had a dyslexic moment, or what. Either which way I'm getting a ticket, and apparently am lucky not to be arrested for selling alcohol to a minor. So that had me nervy.

It's been a slow week at work again, not making any money. But on the plus side, today was really good. Just the lunch shift I made like 90 with dessert sales. So that's good. If only that was regular.

I bought some seeds and some house plants yesterday. In February I'm going to make some garden boxes and plant some things. And I want a bunch more house plants. I'd like the interior of my house to feel like a garden, it will make me happy.

I'm just tired and emotional. So many bad and so many good things at the same time- the ups and downs make me tired. I want to sleep in the sun. My body misses the vitamin D.

days in motion

I have the day off today, so I've been running errands- buying things I've been meaning to get, but have been putting off. I took myself out to breakfast this morning to IHOP- sometimes I have a craving for pancakes, anyway- the table next to me was an old couple. We automatically became friends when the waitress forgot to give them silverware- so they had to ask. I teased him about not wanting to eat with his fingers.  Anyway, after we had finished our meals, I went over and sat with them for about 45 minutes just listening to their stories. They were 84 and 83, and had been married for 65 years. They knew eachother for 5 weeks before getting married- and it's been happily ever after for them. He said there isn't anything he would change- and he would gladly go back and do it all over again. Just listening to them talk good about the other, constantly, it was so adorable. There were a couple times I had to blink rapidly.  Love is real. It does happen. They said, it was ordained. And they just knew, straight off.

I left there knowing my steps are ordered. I know they are, but it's easy to forget.

Most the time when I meet people, I know it's so that I can share my story with them. My life is evidence of God, and people are hungry for proof. But with these people, I didn't really say anything about myself, I just listened to their stories and I was blessed. Some times I feel the ache of not having grandparents.

Love wins. Hope and faith carry on. :)

the story of the heart part 3?

The beach bungalow that is my heart has weathered the storm. There will be no more for rent signs in the front yard, and it is certainly not for sale any longer. The title was given away, and just because it was given back, doesn't mean it has reverted ownership. So it will stand, vacant. It's still beautiful. Passersby stop to listen to the songs that remind them of magic that stream from the open windows. Sometimes they wish that they had a house like this one, but this one is being held in trust. If it never gets claimed, it will still stand as sure as it does now. Magic is what holds this house together. Magic prevents the hurricanes from blowing it away.

I feel

I feel like writing, but I don't know what to put into words.

I feel too much sometimes, so I retreat, because I don't want to feel so much.

I struggle at night before I go to sleep. I struggle in the morning before I get up. Too many thoughts, too many feelings. I try to balance them. I try to tell myself when it's an over reaction. I don't want to be crazy. I want to do what it right. I want to stay balanced and be an outside observer on my own life. That's not to say I am not present in the living of my life, but rather that I can see consequences, I can see things from other people's perspectives.

The feelings from this week that I hesitate to make real-  did he actually ever love me? He thought he did. I thought he did. But if I look at it from an outside perspective, a + b =f . But if I admit that to myself, it sounds disloyal. It sounds like excuses. It sounds like I'm trying to come up with a reason for him to have stopped loving me, - he never actually did.
I told him that, long ago, that he needed to stop telling me that he loved me. That he was fond of me, but didn't love me. He was so hurt. He was under the impression that he did, and I wanted that to be true, so he continued to tell that to me.
I told him once that I felt as though everything else I was allowed to have in this life. Magic. A job, a house, adventure, a family. But, love? That was not in the cards.
His response was that I had already experienced more than most people get in a lifetime. Which is so incredibly sad, if that were true.

But, I still feel as though it's the truth.  This in not the lifetime in which I get love. 
I've tried 6 times for real, and a couple other times were half starts. But, all I get is rejection in the long run. That's not to say they're not fond of me, they are. There is not a one that I am not friends with still. But- the lasting kind, it's not there.  And, to be perfectly honest, I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired. I appreciate being looked at and wanted, but it won't go further than that. I don't want to put myself out there anymore. I have a good life. I bring magic to my world.
I can't fix you. I can't bring magic to your world. So I'll reach out and touch your cheek as I pass by, so that you won't give up hope. Love is out there, and you will find it.

New Years Day -2017

A recap of last year-

I drove away from the one I loved, in January last year and suffered with the adjustment of living without him for a few months. I worked to save money from January-May so that I could go to Europe the first week of June after my sister and then my best friends' weddings. I saved somewhere around 5000 in four months, which I thought was really good. Until I came home from Europe and made 5000 in a month. haaa.
My sister's wedding marked the end and the start of something new. To this day, I try to like her husband- but he is a stranger, and he is my sister's new best friend instead of me. But the wedding day itself was so much fun, with friends and family and new friends in the making.
Seeing my friends in Colorado was wonderful, both the gang in Cripple Creek and then for Eve's wedding on the other side of the state. So much laughter.
That first week of June I left north America for the first time, and ventured off to see the world. What an experience that was. I saw things, and met people. And realized that life isn't that much different over there. The grass is not greener on the other side.
My relationship with God deepened as I had to trust Him with my life- having no idea what I was doing, who to meet, what to learn. I was able to share my struggles and successes with the one I loved drawing us closer once again.
I came home to America, utterly at a loss. Goal was achieved. Now what do I do with my life? I felt the call to Louisiana, but didn't know why, and had to make excuses for why to go when it didn't make sense to my brain.
In leaving home for an unknown place in the beginning of September, having one last final time with the one I loved, before a few short weeks he shut me out of his life forever- the hardest transition I have ever made.
Working for nothing, but the calm and peace that living here has brought me. The absolute certainty of walking by faith and learning to love like Jesus even in the pits of despair, I feel like the change has been astronomical. That in this past year I have grown and changed into a being closer to the one I want to be.
In this new year, I see even more change happening. I don't know what this year will bring, but I will love, I will hope, and I will enjoy the processes of life.