I feel

I feel like writing, but I don't know what to put into words.

I feel too much sometimes, so I retreat, because I don't want to feel so much.

I struggle at night before I go to sleep. I struggle in the morning before I get up. Too many thoughts, too many feelings. I try to balance them. I try to tell myself when it's an over reaction. I don't want to be crazy. I want to do what it right. I want to stay balanced and be an outside observer on my own life. That's not to say I am not present in the living of my life, but rather that I can see consequences, I can see things from other people's perspectives.

The feelings from this week that I hesitate to make real-  did he actually ever love me? He thought he did. I thought he did. But if I look at it from an outside perspective, a + b =f . But if I admit that to myself, it sounds disloyal. It sounds like excuses. It sounds like I'm trying to come up with a reason for him to have stopped loving me, - he never actually did.
I told him that, long ago, that he needed to stop telling me that he loved me. That he was fond of me, but didn't love me. He was so hurt. He was under the impression that he did, and I wanted that to be true, so he continued to tell that to me.
I told him once that I felt as though everything else I was allowed to have in this life. Magic. A job, a house, adventure, a family. But, love? That was not in the cards.
His response was that I had already experienced more than most people get in a lifetime. Which is so incredibly sad, if that were true.

But, I still feel as though it's the truth.  This in not the lifetime in which I get love. 
I've tried 6 times for real, and a couple other times were half starts. But, all I get is rejection in the long run. That's not to say they're not fond of me, they are. There is not a one that I am not friends with still. But- the lasting kind, it's not there.  And, to be perfectly honest, I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired. I appreciate being looked at and wanted, but it won't go further than that. I don't want to put myself out there anymore. I have a good life. I bring magic to my world.
I can't fix you. I can't bring magic to your world. So I'll reach out and touch your cheek as I pass by, so that you won't give up hope. Love is out there, and you will find it.