crazy

So I did something crazy yesterday. I let a guy come over that I barely knew, and we had sex. I met him Friday night when he checked in to the hotel- which was coincidental, because I don't work fridays. And then... I saw him Sunday when he was checking out and he asked for my number, if I'd be interested in coming up to Georgia where he lives to hang out on the beach or something. So I said sure.... he ended up staying in town with his friends until I was done with work, and came over. He wasn't hungry, so it wasn't really an option to go meet somewhere. So, I let him come over, he sat down next to me on the couch and before long was kissing me. And then touching me, and at first I said that I wasn't that kind of girl, but, I was soaking wet- and frankly just wanted him. But not necessarily him- just wanted to be wanted like that. 3.5 years is a long time to go. And I was so out of practice.
So. Yeah, that happened. I like him as a person though, but I doubt we're eachothers type. He's much more on the dark side, whereas my normal life is filled with sunshine and magic.  He said we'd stay in touch, but I don't know if that's legit yet or not. I've had one other one night stand when I lived in Seattle and swore I wouldn't do it again. But, I guess, it's my rule and I'm allowed to break it. Not planning on breaking it again though. It's just unsatisfying. I mean, it wasn't bad at all- my lady parts were happy. But there's a connection that's supposed to be there for it to be fulfilling, and because we were basically strangers.....

anyway. I'm not perfect, apparently. Who knew.

windows

I'm not going to try anymore. I can't. For my own self respect and my heart, I can't. I shouldn't.  It's a weird thing when you losing my love is the most loving thing to do in this situation. It makes me sad. But, that's the way it needs to be.

After a week of not talking, I texted him yesterday. Everything felt weird. He didn't open my text for a long time, so I assumed that he wasn't going to.  He tried to be fairly normal, but it wasn't. He told me he'd text me after his show/party last night, but he didn't. And didn't text me this morning, which is something he would have done before all this.  And so, I have to stop. And just let it all go.

It always reminds me of the song 'losing love is like a window in your heart- everyone can see you're blown apart, everyone can feel the wind blow."

I hate losing people. I hate caring about people this much. And I hate that it wasn't my choice. Either the loving or the ending. My heart just did it. Without asking. And everytime I would say no, because my head didn't trust....  And my head was right, so I feel validated. But, broken hearted.

who I am

I have been your biggest cheerleader. I have added your interests to mine, because that is a way for me to show that I care. I have been there for you when you've had stressful bad days, I've made you food, I've rubbed your back and your head. I've driven across the state late at night for you so that you would not fail at a job. I have loaned you money when you made a mistake. All these things and more I've done because I care. Because that's what friends do.

I choose wrong guys every time. The ones I end up loving are the ones who take what I can give and give back little bits, enough for me to stick around thinking that there is more where that came from. But 8-12 weeks later, what they have to give dries up and they shut down and push me away. It's strange that this is a pattern.

All I wanted was your attention, your love, and your soul. I gave you mine on a silver platter, and you took it, but when I hesitatingly asked for answers to questions of the heart you shut down and blocked me out.

My heart broke and shattered and walls got thrown up. I have to wall myself up and not care about you any more. I cannot. I'm putting aside your interests. They are not mine. I cannot invest my time into your world.

It should not have been too much to ask how you feel about me. You said we were friends, and then you said we had something. And then someone asked me out, and I just needed to know if I needed to be loyal to you, the one I love, or if you were still thinking we were just friends. I never knew where I stood, because I can count on one hand the times you made me feel like I was a priority. We never once did something together because it was something I would enjoy. It was always about you and your interests or what you needed.  And the biggest thing of all- besides a hug hello or goodbye- you voluntarily touched me twice. Once on the second date when you held my hand and once several months later when you rubbed my calf as I rubbed your head that was resting on my lap.

You left me wondering. And that is why I asked, even when I knew that it was a bad idea.