who I am

I have been your biggest cheerleader. I have added your interests to mine, because that is a way for me to show that I care. I have been there for you when you've had stressful bad days, I've made you food, I've rubbed your back and your head. I've driven across the state late at night for you so that you would not fail at a job. I have loaned you money when you made a mistake. All these things and more I've done because I care. Because that's what friends do.

I choose wrong guys every time. The ones I end up loving are the ones who take what I can give and give back little bits, enough for me to stick around thinking that there is more where that came from. But 8-12 weeks later, what they have to give dries up and they shut down and push me away. It's strange that this is a pattern.

All I wanted was your attention, your love, and your soul. I gave you mine on a silver platter, and you took it, but when I hesitatingly asked for answers to questions of the heart you shut down and blocked me out.

My heart broke and shattered and walls got thrown up. I have to wall myself up and not care about you any more. I cannot. I'm putting aside your interests. They are not mine. I cannot invest my time into your world.

It should not have been too much to ask how you feel about me. You said we were friends, and then you said we had something. And then someone asked me out, and I just needed to know if I needed to be loyal to you, the one I love, or if you were still thinking we were just friends. I never knew where I stood, because I can count on one hand the times you made me feel like I was a priority. We never once did something together because it was something I would enjoy. It was always about you and your interests or what you needed.  And the biggest thing of all- besides a hug hello or goodbye- you voluntarily touched me twice. Once on the second date when you held my hand and once several months later when you rubbed my calf as I rubbed your head that was resting on my lap.

You left me wondering. And that is why I asked, even when I knew that it was a bad idea.