procrastination and self sabotage among other things

 It's been probably two months since I made any significant headway on the book. Little bits here and there, but nothing extreme. I feel like as I try to tie it all up it falls more apart. I doubt everything. Things I wrote initially now no longer fit and I don't know what to do with them. 

The life coaching business is hard to start. I'm not a snipet sort of person, and I don't know how to reach the people I want to reach. Could I really vibe with people and help them on their journey or is that just wishful thinking that it will ever pay me? I don't know how to take it to the next step. 

What is next?

Heath has been talking to me almost every day, but I think it's just because he's been lonesome. He talks like we're in a relationship, but at the same time, there is still some reservation. I still haven't figured out what it is though. The fact that I'm a little bit taller than him definitely bothers him though. It bugs me a little too, but I've had more practice being with shorter guys. But, I think there's something more, something that he still hasn't told me. I have a bad feeling that he's going to come home and not see me- that he's going to flake out on me again. 

writers

 I went to a writers group last night. Honestly there was a bit of trepidation, because you know, strangers, and people that write. But, it went well. They read some of their pieces, others listened, but it was just a vibe of encouragement and inspiration. I'm so glad that I went. Met a writer girl Megan that I would like to develop more of a friendship with. Talked for awhile with a guy Josh who I then dreamt about. (Whoops) and I'm looking forward to talking with him more. 

11hrs

 I'm not certain how one stays on the phone for 11 hours, but Heath and I did.  There was about a twenty minute break about 6 hours in, but, then it just continued. We talked about so much, I mean, I guess one has to in 11 hours. But it was really good. And yet, there was still so much we didn't talk about. 

But, he does love me, that's a good thing. We talked about how he's had all this time to snatch me up and hasn't. We talked about how he needs to be better. 

Where did we leave it? Honestly, I have no idea. we haven't really spoken much since, so I don't know.  But I will never think that he is a waste of time. It's too much love, even if it never works out. 

April begins

 April begins and life is much the same. I am still unendingly in love with Mustard, even though it's up and down. 

The thing with Isaiah was weird to say the least. He is alot like me in his soul, we have very similar upbringings, taste in music and movies, etc. We spent 12 hours together that first day, but then he was supposed to come again the next week, but decided against it because he was too interested in me. I told him that he didn't need to worry that it was a two way street, but he still decided it was better to not spend extra time with me.  I haven't much heard from him since he went home to NY, but he did say that he wants to move down here after the summer.  But, my heart is not free. Nor do I want it to be. 

I turned down another job offer which feels weird. But, my life is good right now.  6 days a week, 3 bartending and 3 serving shifts, which sounds like alot, but it's 4 or 5 to 9 or 10- and saturday mornings until like 2:30 or 3.  It's not a ton of money, but it's at the point where I can finally make money and save.  I have my day times free to work on the book/business. I'm not prepared to want to sacrifice all that for a 50hr a week job. So. Yeah. But it was yet another opportunity turned down and it feels weird.