god

 

I have such a weird relationship with God these days. It’s been a gradual decline, I guess you could call it. I’ve never been one to subscribe to standard teachings or beliefs, but there have been times in the past where I felt so near and dear to God’s heart. Everything felt like it flowed in the synchronicity of the patterns that weave us all into the world and our place in it.  But, there was a time when things broke, when things fell off course. I felt like I had done everything right, followed all the signs, but then the bottom fell out from under me. In that moment, trust was broken.  Trust in the pattern, trust in my ability to read the signs. When the trust is gone, nothing seems to flow anymore. There’s still moments of synchronicity, but it feels like there are vast hiccups inbetween. So I focus on what I can control, if God is LOVE, then if I focus on sharing that love and being LOVE to all those that need it- maybe then I will feel close to God again. Maybe the magic will come back and the pattern and flow will be restored.

bottom

 The bottom did fall out. Of course the intimacy of those few days couldn't be maintained, he crashed and burned again. I didn't hear from him for a week. Talked one morning for a few hours, and then didn't hear from him at all again until I went to his golf game at Lake Nona. 

He saw me before I saw him, thank goodness, because Karen was also there apparently. He had given her a guest pass. So, he texted me to warn me. I didn't know how to respond. It explained the silence of the last 2 weeks. It disappointed me, because I just wish he'd stop messing around with other women. If he knows that I'm the one he wants for forever, why keep holding on to the crazy ones?  She helps him with money, and that's really why. He says it's because she's a nice person, but that's just him trying to justify it, I think. She's 9 years older than him, and they're just messing around. But, I don't get it.  He's on a healing journey, and he has made significant progress, and regression is a part of progress, but god fucking damn it all. It left me feeling like a fool. So, I left because I couldn't silence my brain enough to enjoy watching golfers. I've spent the last few days binging on tv because it numbs everything- stories to escape my own. 

What the hell am I doing? 

staying up all night

 It's a thing that we do, but it's really bad for me. I need my sleep. Sunday he called at 2am, and I went down there, and was home again around 8am, went directly to bed- and got up around 2pm. I had to work at 4:30, so I did that, and then went down to him again after work. We stayed up all night. It was after 7 that I got home again, and I slept away the whole day and night, with a 4 hour exception in which I cleaned the house and went grocery shopping.  My fit bit tells me that I slept for 15 hours. I needed it so badly. 

We talked so much. About his work stuff, about our insecurities, about eachother. I just feel at a loss right now, for even any words. Is it that I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out on me? ... so I can't get happy? I don't know. He throws off my steady world, and my plans, and brings me into his world of emotions and chaos.  I don't mind, and I worry that I don't mind. 

He randomly told me that he loved me. I hadn't said it, it wasn't something we were talking about. It felt like it just came out. It felt more real than any of the times he's said it in the past. I don't know how to catch all his subtleties, especially when he's been drinking, because he doesn't finish his thoughts outloud all the time, and I have to grasp for the meanings. That's difficult sometimes. I missed one yesterday, and I felt so dumb. But, he does make me feel desirable and wanted and loved. There's nothing normal about this relationship, I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how it could work. I just have no idea. But, I do know that I love him without end. I know that I would do anything in my power to make him happy. I know that my life has more colors because of him. I know that I don't want to do life without him. 

decisions

 There's this meme that goes around, and basically all it says is "one decision could change your life" it's referring to drunk driving, but it's actually been something that I've been thinking about lately. 

Where we are right now is because of the string of choices we made, (or choices other people made and how we decided to move forward in consequence). 

For instance, I still live in Florida 3 years after moving here when the plan was to be here simply for a few months. I very nearly made the decision to live in Charleston SC, and then I almost moved back home to the outer banks, and I've almost decided to move to Raleigh to be with my bff and her kid.  But I'm still here.
Each time the opportunity presented itself, I prepared, even packed, got a job, but then when the moment came I looked at the life path that I would be choosing and I couldn't. It's not that any of them would have been wrong, but there was something that made it so I didn't feel right.

Rewind further, I could have stayed in Louisiana. There was no reason that I had to leave, besides the fact that I didn't see my future there. One decision away from an entirely different life.

And before all that, it feels like a snowball effect, so many decisions, and every single one of them would have lead to a completely different life, different people surrounding me, even a different me. Who's to say that down one of those paths life would have been easier, happier, more successful. But the way I see it, I can't regret any of the decisions, even though in retrospect some of them may have not been ideal. But I wonder, who would I have been if I had made different decisions, and where would I be now?