bottom

 The bottom did fall out. Of course the intimacy of those few days couldn't be maintained, he crashed and burned again. I didn't hear from him for a week. Talked one morning for a few hours, and then didn't hear from him at all again until I went to his golf game at Lake Nona. 

He saw me before I saw him, thank goodness, because Karen was also there apparently. He had given her a guest pass. So, he texted me to warn me. I didn't know how to respond. It explained the silence of the last 2 weeks. It disappointed me, because I just wish he'd stop messing around with other women. If he knows that I'm the one he wants for forever, why keep holding on to the crazy ones?  She helps him with money, and that's really why. He says it's because she's a nice person, but that's just him trying to justify it, I think. She's 9 years older than him, and they're just messing around. But, I don't get it.  He's on a healing journey, and he has made significant progress, and regression is a part of progress, but god fucking damn it all. It left me feeling like a fool. So, I left because I couldn't silence my brain enough to enjoy watching golfers. I've spent the last few days binging on tv because it numbs everything- stories to escape my own. 

What the hell am I doing?