sisters

I've been having the most unbelievable conversations with my little sisters at night. They seem to trade off nights. I get home from work, and they come out of their room and sit with me and talk for hours. It's been really good. I love them.
The parents are pretty much planning on moving, so there is now the question of what the girls will do. Where they will live. Who they will live with.  I guess right now, the thought is that Jerusha will go live with Nathanael in Seattle for a while, and Susannah will come live with me. At least for a little while. I'm fine with that, I don't know how much she will like it though. While she and I are alot alike- there are other ways that we are not. She's attracted to the big city, the cutting edge, fashion. I don't give a shit.  I like authentic life, meaningful relationships- the people I've found in Louisiana provide that to an extent for me.   But I don't know if they will be what zannah needs in her life.
And Rusha living in Seattle with Nathanael, that worries me. The people there are... hard. They're very alternative, so much so that when you're around it all the time, you feel like it's normal, and you lose touch with the rest of the world.  So I worry, she's just now discovering who she is, and I'd rather her not be influenced too much by the crazy that is there.  There's alot of good things, but a whole lot of crazy.


Life continues.

metoo

There's been this hashtag going around lately, the one of MeToo. Identifying women subjected to sexual harassment/abuse. I may have never felt harassed, but I have a forgiving/compassionate nature- so I don't get offended by it. But, yes, it happens all the time. I remember the first time a guy asked me if I masterbate. And then he told me he would show me how to orgasm.  Gee. Thanks.
Even yesterday I had one of the guys I work with ask me to go to the bussers closet with him. Later, he sat down next to me on the couch and kept putting his hand on my leg, which I would speedily remove.
I know he's only messing around because he knows I'll never consent. He wouldn't know what to do if I did say yes.

I miss having a man. I miss being made to feel beautiful. I miss having a protective hug when life was hard. I miss having someone to do things with, that I felt safe with. I don't want to always be on my guard. I don't want to always have to be the one who makes sure things don't get into dangerous territory. I don't want to have to say no.

I see the sun go down on the river
I feel the wind blow, I would've stayed to gray
I feel the air around you, it's kinda closing in
Do you feel it fall or do you feel at all? I can.

I see the world keep moving as I stumble
They seem to move much faster than me
And while I sit in my four cornered room, dividing hearts for our little girl
While I can't be anything but who I am

And I wish you'd stay
Well that was the beginning of the two of us, the start of our show
Stay stay stay
No I would never have let go

And I see the sun go up as your image
And I feel the weight of your eyes as you stare
I feel it all when you, when you first, when you kissed my lips
You used to make me feel at home, you made me feel at home, you made me feel again

Oh that's when you used to say will you stay and not let go
That was just the two of us to think about, the stars of our show
And you would say I wish you'd stay and I'd never go
Oh I would never have let go!

So take this heart of mine
You've taken it a hundred thousand times
But this time, this time I'm gonna take it with me

I see the door close down behind you
I watch your face turn from glow to straight gray
I see the moon go up and it shines this glory on my face
Who will know? Who will know? Who will know!
How we would stay and we should stay and never go
There's just three of us to think about now in our show, our show, our show
And I think we'd stay, we'd just stay, and then we'd know
That we should never let go oh oh
Something to think about oh... in our heart of hearts
Just look into those big brown eyes and you'd just fall apart
Maybe we should stay, we should stay, at least she'd know
That we should never have let go
No, no, let go, go... oh

I wish you'd have stayed
I wish you'd have stayed...

back

it's time to get back to the grind. I'm tired. It was a long week. Monday was fun seeing people- managed to squeeze in quite a few. My favorite was the time with Brent and Jake though. They're so much fun. One thing I did notice though, they really didn't make eye contact with me that much. I noticed it with Brent the day we went on our adventure. I think I make them nervous. I don't know why.
I got a letter from my friend Erik- he's been in jail for the past year, and I guess he got a total of 7 years. Poor thing. He's made some really bad choices. I always knew he was trouble. He has potential, just chooses to not. He's one of the types of people who believes the world owes him something.  He also mentioned in his letter that I intimidated him also.  I think it scares people that I have no obvious vices. I choose to do what's right. It's not that hard, it's just strength of character, I guess. But, I guess that's scary. I just want to do no harm to myself or anyone else. I know that drinking would drop my walls and I would make poor life decisions. So, I don't. I've chosen this life of freedom and adventure.  It's hard enough when I'm sober to say no. To consider consequences. To make sure I don't harm anyone.


Sigh.

I dreamt about him again last night. In the dream he was texting me. Telling me that he thinks about me. That he was sorry.
I made myself wake up. "This isn't real. I can't dream about this."

I do wonder if I ever cross his mind. If I actually had any effect on his life. Especially knowing that he's ever on my mind.
But even I can't see a way that it will ever work out. I can't see him being who I need. And obviously, I'm not who he needs.  So he is gone from my life for the past 14 months.

Day off

I had my day off of work yesterday. It's amazing how revitalizing those can be.  I had plans that got changed, so that effected my day, but it was alright. It just wasn't as much about me and what I wanted to do.  It can wait though. I'll do something maybe next week.
I'm just really feeling the need for some alone time. Being in a house surrounded by sisters is great, but it also makes doing anything by yourself, impossible.


leaving sunday night to go to the dmv in louisiana. What a crazy world we live in. I've avoided making plans for my time there, because I don't know what it will look like. Just wait and see, I guess.
I'm actually really glad to be going back, if only for a minute. It'll be nice to get on a plane again. Dooo something other than work and try to think of things to do here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life heading.

sigh

Expectations.

I have been wrong more often than not lately, and it's starting to bother me. In the most recent one, my friend Larry, I asked him if he was okay because of something he posted. Turns out he's not, but says he will be. Anyway, basically just church drama, so I shared what I've learned as far as that goes. His response was merely to laugh. Which, was not the intended result at all. But, I can't say that I'm that shocked.  He has never bothered to listen to me, even when we're talking in person.  He tends to ask questions, but then not care enough about the answer, to either wait for it, or listen fully to it.


I told Brent about me coming down there for the day, suggested that maybe we get dinner- the only response I got was a smile. I don't even know.

I texted Matt, trying to get his mailing address, and never heard anything back. Surprisingly I didn't hear anything from him for my birthday, either. Not that I mind, it was just surprising.


Eve and Carol have both fallen off the face of the planet since I left. A few texts from Eve, but I know it's because she can't handle anymore. I'm sorry I left her there alone.


There is an easy downward spiral when it comes to these thoughts, when you realize your expectations were not met. When people do not respond like you think they will. 
There is an expectation that comes with being friends, having friends. And, sometimes, those expectations leave you high and dry.

I mean, the same was with Micah. Much of our disagreements happened over unfulfilled expectations. I expected him to be my friend, and he expected me to fall out of love with him.
I don't know. More than a year later, he still occupies my heart. I can't imagine loving anyone else to that degree.

frustrations

so it looks like I'll have to fly home to louisiana and pay off my installment plan. So frustrating. I had it on my old card that got lost, and I forgot, so when the payment didn't go through, they defaulted it. - making it impossible for me to fix it without going in to a location. So I booked a flight and a car, I'll be there for a day next weekend.

I got stuff for Matt for his birthday. I don't know if I should mail it to his shop again this time. It created quite the stir the last time. Maybe if I don't write weird stuff on it, it won't be suspicious.

I've realized that my brain creates scenarios, the way I imagine things will happen. How people will respond. And then when they don't, it feels like part of me dies a little bit- and I forget how to function. How does one cease to have expectations?  And, is ceasing to have expectations a loss of hope, in a sense? 

lack

In the time that I have been gone from Louisiana, all conversations about God and the things he's doing- all disappeared. I still get the occasional heart, to verify my path, but mostly the magic is just very subtle. I haven't been reading, I haven't been listening to anything incredibly meaningful. It's like everything is caught in limbo- waiting.
I feel it though, the lack.  Maybe it's a spiritual high that comes from learning new things, talking about new bits of connection.  I miss connecting with people over spiritual things. Maybe because that's what I feel is real and matters.  Having people to laugh with and talk about nonsensical things with is good too- but for me, spirituality pulls out the poetry in my soul. It brings to light magic and coincidences.
I don't feel free to embrace these things up here. I am surrounded by people who cannot conceive of a reality with magic. Or their God is too small to have grace unlimited.

I don't know how to walk.
It's hard to be me. To know what end is up. To know the next step to take. To weigh out all consequences.

poor life decisions

So Saturday night I made yet another poor life decision. I mean, it wasn't THAT bad, but still, I allowed a line to be toed that I shouldn't've.
This is the story.
Saturday night I was working a wedding party. Downstairs there was a group of guys. I'd've rather worked that group, because I'm sure it would've been more fun. However, everytime I had to come downstairs for something, this guy would talk to me.  Towards the end of the evening he was watching the VT game-  he put his arm around my shoulders for goodluck when they attempted a fieldgoal. He thought it worked.  We talked about where I was from- and little bits of our stories. He was married- so, I wasn't concerned, and he seemed to be a decent dude. I'm a pretty good judge of character.  Well, as the evening wore on, I was ready to go, and he was still there watching the game. All of his friends had left, and he was going to have to take an uber home. "Oh! You can take me home!!" he says to me as I'm getting ready to walk out the door.  "Sure!" I respond. Because, of course I don't mind. He's had a bit to drink at this point, but he's not in a bad way- I am unconcerned for my safety, because as I said, he seemed like a good dude, and by this point we're basically friends.  As we're driving he asks me where we can go to watch the rest of the game. I laugh, "this is the outer banks, everything but Kelly's is basically closed at this time of night!"   "ooooh! Kelly's! I've heard of that! We should stop!!!"   I hesitate, I don't really want him to get any drunker, I don't want to end up taking care of a drunken stranger. On the flip side, he and I have had alot of fun throughout the evening, and if we stop to watch the rest of the game, how bad could it be? "You'll get in trouble if we stop!" I try and convince him. "No, I won't! I promise."  "Alright, we can stop, just to check it out for a little bit."
So we did.
My coworker Josh, ended up being there also, which was both good and bad for me. The other guy, whose name I don't know, btw, (he told me at one point early in the evening, but it didn't stick because at the time it meant nothing to me). He decided it would be fun to make Josh jealous. I kept telling him Josh wasn't jealous, he has a girlfriend, he was just looking out for me. But, he kept insisting otherwise and would attempt, or rather pretend to attempt to grind up on me, but I'd always keep him at arms length.  He would keep putting his arm around me, or putting his hat on me.  And then be like, "let me know if you see someone in here you'd like. I don't wanna block you if you want to get some."  "I'm good. thanks." I'd respond. 
He'd texted a friend to come out also, so soon his friend showed up. I stayed out until like 11:30 and then I told him that I was going to go. I would either drive him home, or he could stay and uber home with his friend. He opted to stay, but insisted on walking me out to the car.
-I gave him a real hug, and he kept asking me to stay because we were having fun.  He wanted to kiss me, but I kept having to remind him he was married.  "You don't understand," he said, bitterly, "marriage has become taking out the trash and doing the dishes." "That's life!!" I interrupted.  "We don't have sex anymore."  "I'm sorry about that. But it's not going to happen."  'If I wasn't married, would it happen?"  "Yeah, probably." I responded, truthfully.  This whole time he has been leaning against me, I can feel he wants me, and he keeps brushing my hair out of my face when the wind blows.  He keeps interrupting himself and me to tell me how beautiful I am, and how it's a mystery that I don't have someone.
After about a half hour of standing together talking, I finally leave.
I know I shouldn't've let him get that close.  Just because it feels so nice to be wanted- the simple fact was that he was married. I should not have allowed him to toe that line, even cross it to a slight degree.  I think about the fact that I allowed him to open a door to cheating, and if it was, as he claimed, the only time he'd ever considered cheating on his wife- that door has now been opened, and he'll have difficulty closing it unless something changes at home. And that's my fault for allowing it.
Granted- it could've easily been someone else, who wouldn't have his best interests at heart and would've gone the distance- but I do think I should've been better. 
It's hard to not be wanted anymore. It was nice to feel beautiful and desirable.