sigh

Expectations.

I have been wrong more often than not lately, and it's starting to bother me. In the most recent one, my friend Larry, I asked him if he was okay because of something he posted. Turns out he's not, but says he will be. Anyway, basically just church drama, so I shared what I've learned as far as that goes. His response was merely to laugh. Which, was not the intended result at all. But, I can't say that I'm that shocked.  He has never bothered to listen to me, even when we're talking in person.  He tends to ask questions, but then not care enough about the answer, to either wait for it, or listen fully to it.


I told Brent about me coming down there for the day, suggested that maybe we get dinner- the only response I got was a smile. I don't even know.

I texted Matt, trying to get his mailing address, and never heard anything back. Surprisingly I didn't hear anything from him for my birthday, either. Not that I mind, it was just surprising.


Eve and Carol have both fallen off the face of the planet since I left. A few texts from Eve, but I know it's because she can't handle anymore. I'm sorry I left her there alone.


There is an easy downward spiral when it comes to these thoughts, when you realize your expectations were not met. When people do not respond like you think they will. 
There is an expectation that comes with being friends, having friends. And, sometimes, those expectations leave you high and dry.

I mean, the same was with Micah. Much of our disagreements happened over unfulfilled expectations. I expected him to be my friend, and he expected me to fall out of love with him.
I don't know. More than a year later, he still occupies my heart. I can't imagine loving anyone else to that degree.