death

Before I went to bed last night I watched a movie that had alot of death in it. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, so I went on you tube, and the suggested video for me was "Homeless Man" the story of Rich Mullins, basically a compilation of memories from his friends after his death. It was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.  So today I seem to be surrounded by themes of death, and things to do before you die, making sure the life you're living is the life you want.... Crazy the themes of certain days.
I don't know what it all means. I don't know that it means anything except to be more aware.  Are there things I wish to say to anyone before they or I pass on to the next life? I don't think so. There is a nameless ache that disturbs me, just in the story of the one that I love. The fact that I cannot tell him that it remains even to this day. But, it is something that is impossible at this point of life.
Besides that- I feel like for the most part I do live as though it's my last day- I don't live with regrets, I patch things up as quickly as possible. I say the things I mean, and people know that I love them.

One of the stories I wish I could share, it's a story of the angel that troubled the waters. A doctor comes to the water, seeking to be healed of his melancholy and gloom- but the angel bars the way to the water. This healing is not for you, the angel says. But, I must! The doctor responds, how can I continue to live this way?  Without your wounds, where would your power be? The angel answers. The very angels of heaven cannot reach the hearts of men like one human broken on the wheels of living. In love's service, only the wounded soldiers can serve. All grace, all truth, all power, all vulnerability, communicated through brokenness- the utter honesty of broken men and women in the service of love.


And on the story goes.

lessons

I've obviously been in a funk these last couple of days. I wouldn't say that I'm out of it exactly even still. There is that feeling of being in a crowd, but completely alone.
Yesterday as I was starting work, I kept seeing hearts, hearts in the pavement, hearts etched into stone, hearts in the crumbs, hearts in the water. There was, I think, 9 of them. I have to say, it kinda pissed me off.  You know how when you're in a funk, and people try to get past your barriers, it just annoys you? Stop with the pushing already? If I wanted to talk, I would!  Until that one person that you trust and love doesn't ask you anything just hugs you for a long time, and doesn't let you push them away.  You get pissed at first, but then, sorta melt, as you realize that it might not be better, but this moment, this moment is better. 

That's what God was doing for me. I love you, I got you, and I'm never letting go. 

searching

Searching for answers. I can read over my blog, read over my paper and pen journals... ever since I was a small child, the search for answers has been huge in my life. God has been prevalent in pretty much everything personal I've ever written. There's always been a search for more, to know more to understand better.  I look at my older brother and wonder- we were brought up exactly the same way- the same requirements, the same belief structure. But even as teens, I realized there was a vast difference between him and I. I was constantly thinking, and he never wondered about things. Never had to understand why. Unless it was a gadget. Then, he wondered how it was made, and whether or not he could put it back together after taking it apart. Something that I never cared about. Don't get me wrong, lincoln logs, legos, those bulb things with batteries- gosh I don't remember what they were called- I loved those too, building things, making things work. But it didn't MATTER.  

I need to matter, I need to be important to the people that are important to me. God is important to me, probably because I know that I am important to Him. Because of His unreasonable breathtaking love for me, I cannot question why I am important, it's just a fact. Because of me being me.

I deactivated my facebook today- just for a few days. I have it set to reactivate in a week, who knows if it'll last that long deactivated. But the reason is, I have been getting hurt, by real or imagined slights- and I don't want to live in that world. I doubt anyone will notice, and it will be a break for me to recenter. To focus on the things that really matter, instead of the people that only know my life because of facebook.  I strive for authenticity on facebook, my joys, my struggles, sharing my life so that those I have moved away from can live in my world for a few moments.
But, I find that when I care too much, things start falling apart, and so I walk away. So, this is me, trying to put down sand bags before my emotional floods grow too high to slow down.

antsy

These last couple of days I've been strangely just dissatisfied. An empty, restless feeling. Not that nothing is happening, obviously things happen, not necessarily magical things, but things. What I think is missing, and where the dissatisfaction is coming from- my mind and soul have not been stretched lately. I haven't learned anything new. I haven't had an mindbending conversations.  I don't do well with that. Why am I sitting and atrophying when I could be growing? I don't know that it's a bad thing, sitting still, being patient, all qualities unnatural to my life. That's why I move, that why there's always the next best thing since sliced bread.
I listened to all of Brennan Manning's sermons over and over again on Youtube. I've read all his books. What's the next thing to challenge my thoughts? What is the next thing that will cause me to grow?  When will the next magical thing happen?
I miss the iron sharpening of iron. I miss being wrong about things. I miss finding out that I didn't think about all sides of an issue or problem.

The picture leaning up against the wall, ready to be mailed out- is taunting me. "There is always hope."

Wait for it.....

visitations

Allie spent the night last night, and then went with me to church this morning. - So I didn't go to the catholic mass, and we went to the mega church- Crossroads. It was fine, I was bored by it. Typical Father's Day message. She enjoyed it however, and that's the good thing. After that, I didn't have to work until 5, so I told her we could go on an adventure.... so we drove to the levee- and took an airboat tour. I've been dying to go out on the Atchafalaya ever since I first saw it. Since moving here, I was struggling with wanting to go out, but not wanting to go alone- eg. without micah. This is his area, his stomping grounds. I wanted him to show it to me. But, obviously, that's not to be, so I took the airboat tour. I swear, it was the happiest I've been in a long time. Flying across the water, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face- it's one of the most perfect feelings ever. I love it.

When we got back, she went home, and I tried to nap. Then Larry texted me saying that he was in my town... so I told him he could come visit me if he wanted to. So, he spent like an hour over here, telling me the changes that have happened and the drama that occurred in his life. Poor guy. He'd been employed to shoot a birthday in town, but then arrived too early, so he was just killing time with me. I carefully avoided giving him the opportunity for anything but just the hugs when he got here and when he left.  Sigh.  Why does life have to be so difficult.

Jessy, my brother in law's best friend, stopped by to visit this evening too. It feels like the day of visitors. 3, in one day. That's more than I've had... the whole time I lived here!

Crazy. but nice. I like people coming by my house. I like catching up, I like being a part of lives.
There was this house out in the atchafalaya that I said was my next house- and I would totally live out there if I had a boat. But- I also feel the need to be a part of society, so I can't really justify it. This life I lead was not created to be solitary- it is meant to share love and magic and life with the world- at least those I come in contact with.

And so the story goes.

debacles

Difficult days, easy days, one after another.

Yesterday was a difficult one. Work was hard, again, but not as hard as last Friday. I was stressing towards the end because I wanted to get done so I could go to see Micah's gig, it was running from 6-10, and if I got out at 8:30-9- I'd still see them play for a bit. I didn't leave until 9:25. There was a table there that wouldn't stop talking. When I saw them pull up at 8:30, my soul just sighed. But, be it as God wills, I kept telling myself.
The table was this old guy, his sister, and her boyfriend. He had come in last week with family and had been trying to figure out his new phone. He was playing with his camera and had took a picture of me. Well, I found out yesterday that he saved my picture as the background on his phone. He's been showing people my face- but hilariously didn't know my name. He asked for my number last night, to which I refused. Why does it always have to be the old guys?!
So, I finally leave and head straight to Lucky Luke's where Micah is playing. I don't see Danette's car, but there are cars in the parking lot, maybe she just didn't come. I walk towards the door. There is no music being played. There's only a few people standing playing pool as I peek in the window. I'm not going in to a sketchy ass bar if no one I know is there.  I go back to my car, as I turn it on, I look behind me and see legs that I recognise. There's Kris, Micah's best friend in Texas, who came down to play this gig with him. I get out and walk over to him- He finally recognises me as I get close, and I laugh. I told him I was about to leave, because I didn't think they were still there. We chat a bit, and then I go back and turn off my car- and lock it since apparently they're still here. Embarrassed, as I walked back, Kris says that the message I sent him, was right on point. (I had sent him a fb message after he deleted me on fb- guessing that Micah had asked him to, and just telling him that I was really sorry he got put in an awkward position- that I loved Micah more than anyone on the planet and that I was incredibly sorry I'd unwittingly hurt him- and simply wished him and his family love and magic.) I brushed it off. I don't care anymore. It is what it is. Naturally, I would not tell him how incredibly hurt I was by it, because that would simply add to his embarrassment and not ease mine at all.  So, I let it slide. Micah came out at this time and gave me a hug.  They were going to play a little more, he thought, but then it turned out that they were done, even though it was a little early. So I didn't actually get to hear them play at all. But, when we went inside, Danette, Holly, Kasey, and Wayne were all there too, so I said hi. Holly and Danette left soon afterwards, taking with them, Kasey's keys. And thus began the debacle.  Holly and Danette weren't turning around because Holly was late already- and they'd gotten stuck in a traffic jam. So Danette was going to have to drive all the way back with Kasey's keys- instead of waiting at the bar for her, Micah suggested we just all go back to his house and wait. I had heard Danette say that she needed to get home because she hadn't even packed yet- and I knew how far away she lived from this bar- a good 40 minutes. So, when we got to his house, I called her volunteering to come get the keys. She agreed because she didn't want to come back, so I told Kasey- but then, after I left I get a call from Danette telling me to go home because I shouldn't be the one coming to get the keys, it was none of my business- Micah could drive Kasey halfway and meet her. She would not be reasoned with- so I went back to his house, and ended up getting Kasey and driving to Danette's house, getting the keys- and driving her back to the bar.
Why did I do all of this? Because it seemed like the thing to do. I was just trying to solve a problem that I could fix.  Sitting at Micah's house, where things are yet a little strained between him and I, didn't seem ideal- I felt like I was only there because I had to drive Kasey, so there was no point to me being there. So, I might as well do something useful. And then, afterwards, I didn't want Micah to have to drive Kasey- he doesn't have a car, and he was unloading the other car from the gig. Anything I can do for him, I will.
He gave me another hug as we left- a little longer than usual, but my hug in return was just as light as ever. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing, too much, too little- something that can only be fixed and reassured through communication- which is still off the table.

Sometimes the waves threaten to overwhelm me, and I struggle against them. Unwittingly making things worse. Just float on top of the stormy waves, this is how you stay alive.  Ever I follow....

On hope and laughter

So yesterday, Pam and I were supposed to hang out, I wasn't sure when, so I did all my errands early, and then by early afternoon, I started just bumming around the house wondering what to do next. So, I looked up events today in my area on facebook, and saw that there was a blues night at Jefferson Pub in Lafayette at 6, and that Micah's mom was already on the list to go. So I texted Pam and asked if she wanted to go also. I've been trying to get them together, because they're of the same age and single(ish) . So! She was super stoked to go, so I picked her up and off we went.
As we're sitting there, a guy comes over, "we're asking people to write a thank-you note to a soldier, would you fill one out and be entered to win a bottle of wine?"  Micah's mom, Danette, she accepts for us both. Pam refuses because she can't write, her arm is broken.  I'm at a loss, not only do I not want to win a bottle of wine (what would I do with it?) but it's very hard for me to write to a soldier and thank them. I'm a pacifist, I hate war, I hate it when people join the military. But, the more I thought about it- I am writing to a person, not a solider- so I simply wrote a wish for love, magic and hope in the darkest days- reminding them that they make a difference by who they are everyday. It was the best I could do.  - And I won the raffle for the bottle of wine. The brand of wine was "One Hope".
I saw that and couldn't help but just laugh. How is this my life?! I showed Danette, because she also knows the multitudes of "hope" stories in my life. She just stared, started laughing and said "cheers". Because there was nothing she could say either. It's just so incredibly coincidental. Out of the hundreds of people who wrote the notes, how did mine win? And out of all brands for wine, it is one called Hope? Hilarious.

Today, my youngest brother turns 21. Seems impossible. I'm so sad I'm not there.

love and wonder woman

What an interesting day today was. It's hard to even put it into words. I went to church this morning, I went to my usual church of Hope Chapel- I go because it's the closest church to my house, and it's called Hope. It seems ironic.  Their music is dreadful and hurts my soul how much they butcher it. The pastor gets lost while he's preaching and pronounces words wrong. I don't know why I go. Sometimes, though, like today, the thought behind the message answers the question of my heart.

Today the message was on Ezekiel and the valley of the dry bones. It relates so much to my life. God tells him to prophesy to these dry bones and they will come to life.. So he does, there is a shaking and the bones start forming together, and a body is created, but they are not quite alive.
I wonder if Ezekiel was like, "dude, that's super cool that you did that, but we've got a couple thousand zombies here. I thought you said they'd be alive."   Because it's after that that God tells him to speak again and they will come to life for real. Then there is a a magnificent army, and God was glorified by all that saw.
How much this relates to my life.  I'm not going to go into it now, but it's pretty applicable.

I went to see Wonder Woman tonight at the theater.. I had heard that it was pretty epic. I didn't actually find it so, but there were some pretty fantastic moments. Her speech at the end is pretty awesome. "Love wins. The decision is yours to make." We're basically the same person. :-p

It's so incredibly past my bedtime that I'm going to find my way there now.
Onwards and upwards.

mysteries and magic

Last night after work, I went with Allie to get ice cream. By the time we were done, she said she wanted to go get real food. Gosh, this child can eat. I don't ever eat that late, but, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and got food. On the way I texted Larry, as I passed his street, just saying hi. I invited him to come also when he texted me back. He was super non committal, so I texted him when we were done just to make sure he wasn't coming. No response, so I left. A couple minutes later, he asks if I'm still there, so I say no, and he says he was, but it leaving since I'm not there. I say that I'll turn around, but he says no.  I turn around anyway, at least you can get a hug for making the drive? No, he's good, he says. So I turn around again and drive home. The whole way back home, I'm kinda pissed at him.  Why didn't he tell me he was coming? Why would he not wait the minute and a half it would take me to get back there, I had told him I'd just pulled out. I wasn't far away!  - Unless he wasn't actually there.  Why didn't he want a hug? The dude always wants hugs?  So I was just all sorts of confused.
He's in some sort of a mess, but I don't know what it is. He said that he'd tell me later, and I imagine that it's going to be face to face. I want to be his friend. I am unlike anyone else, there's magic in my veins. So, I simply respond, that I was sorry he didn't text me to tell me he was coming, because I would've stayed, and that I hoped he had a good night. His response was that there will be other times.  And so I shrug.

There is nothing more to do in that situation. I could've gone to his church today, and made him tell me, but I'm not going to.

If there is one thing that I realize more and more as time goes by, if I ever were to be in a relationship again- which is doubtful to say the least. I would need him to make an effort. I feel like I make all of the effort all of the time, because guys have been so damaged by other girls that they lack the cajones to be a man and fight for me. They don't put me in front of themselves. Their needs and wants are the most important. Because they've learned from other girls, that other girls just take from them, so now they need to be selfish and make sure they're getting what they need.   But, I am not like that. I will never be like that. Whether you are merely my friend, or the one that I love, I will always place you first. But, I need someone looking out for me too, so that I'm not drained completely dry.  So when I notice that my life energy and magic is being sucked away, I have to distance myself, so that you don't damage me- I have to be able to keep going.

move on

Last night I dreamed about you with someone else. I woke myself up, saying, "I still can't bear to dream about this". 10 months after the fact, there is still a void. There is still the sense of propriety- that we are bound together for eternity. It made me sad yesterday that your mom was at the pool, and she couldn't invite me over because you were there. Your presence here now has thrown a kink into my wonderful little world I had built.  This is not to say I wish you were gone from here, it was just easier before. I'm glad I saw you that day you apologized, so now I don't have to worry about seeing you. I wish we could be friends again though. There is a void.
I don't handle loss. I don't handle change in relationships. I don't handle lack of communication very well.
There is in me this need to be known. To be seen in the entirety of who I am. To be loved, not for what I look like, or for  what I do for you- but just because. I cannot be that vulnerable with most people. You were the only one who has seen the whole of me. But you felt you had to run away and protect yourself, that Jesus was your only hope. Not seeing that I was part of His plan- to make you feel and understand His love in the physical realm, outside your mind.  I know I'm not perfect. I have never known how to be in a relationship. I don't know when to push, and when to hold back. I don't know how to be dependent and independent at the same time, and trying- I might have done it wrong.
Where did the fun go? Was it merely that you were tormented with the thought of Morgan, that you thought I was dwelling on her also? All I wanted was to laugh with you again. To have silly conversations. To create worlds only we lived in. I wanted to be able to touch you, to hold you, without worrying if it was too much for you to handle. I wanted to go back to when you wanted me more than anything else- when love and laughter were the most natural state of being.

It is time to move on, I tell my heart.  Don't hold on to a love that couldn't stand the test of life. What about the Father, and the magic he has promised? It is outside of my control- His will be done.

......

I haven't managed to go to the gym yet since being back. It's not that I wake up late, I've just been so tired. Getting back into the routine of working, and it hasn't been easy. It's been kinda busy, and not only that, but Michael, has gotten another job, so it's just me and YoaLing. It's not easy.  Last night I had 3 tables walk in after 8:30- we close at 9. I didn't end up leaving until nearly 10, and I'm just exhausted.  I wanted to cry last night for no other reason then I just wanted a hug. There's no better feeling than being wrapped up in the arms of someone who loves you. But it is not to be. So, I tried to de-stress by watching tv, maybe made it through 20 minutes before just being annoyed and turning it off.
I don't like how out of sorts I feel. I don't like that all I want is to be held close, and told that everything's going to be alright. Because everything is alright. There's no reason to stress about work. It is what it is, and we'll make it through. There's no reason to stress about the guys in my life, because they aren't really there- and it's unknowable. There's no reason to feel alone, there are people here that love me, people that missed me.
Maybe it's the normal coming down, after 2 weeks of family and old friends.

I'm just tired. and stressed. And I don't want to go to work, because I know it will be stressful. That's a bad thing.  So I'm going to go to the bank, and work my way over there. Maybe I'll bring a book from the 6 boxes I brought home with me from Ohio. My lovely lovely books. That is happiness right there.

And on the story goes.

turn of events

Well that was an interesting turn of events.
I got on my computer this morning, ready to sit down and write a blog post. Still trying to figure out where my head is- crazy developments - boys- and I don't even know.  I decided to check and see if Matt had updated his blog since I still hadn't heard from him. My heart stopped. There was a new post. The title was 10:08- my birthday minute. :) We'd talked about that, his is 10:20 and he likes to celebrate his birthday minute, whereas I have never even considered it before. 

The post was a poem for me. There might have been a tear in my eye as I finished reading it.  Too many emotions, how would I respond?  I had to go to work. So I wrote down his poem in my notebook and brought it to work with me. When I got to work I sat down with it, and wrote a poem in return. Titled 10:20. 

All day today I've been thinking about it. Is there really something there?  I've cared about him for years now, but is there more? Could there be more?  Could he live with the passion that hides in his words? I know he could if someone were to take his hand. Is that me? I don't know.

He just wrote me a beautiful email. Dear Matt. He has such a way with words. He paints pictures on your soul.

fire

There's been such an influx of the subject of sex. It's so rampant in society, everyone in relationships, the cheating that become such a normal part of culture, all of the songs addressing it. Women in lingerie, men with their 6 packs and tattoos.  Things that appeal to our pleasure centers.
The question of celibacy until marriage, the guilt when that is broken.
What is right, what is real? What are we looking for really?

Obviously, I don't know the answers to all these things. I don't know. But some things I do know.  There is way too much emphasis placed on sex and relationships. If you're not in a relationship, if you don't have sex, there's something wrong with you. If you do have sex, outside of marriage, you're a skank. How can this be true? What is real?
Our bodies are designed to crave intimacy. Our minds and souls crave intimacy on a different level.  In a marriage, the body, mind and soul are combined "they become one".  As a society we've divorced all that, we've taken the mind and soul away with the term "it's just sex".  I knew when I slept with the guys before Micah, that it was "just sex".  With him, it was different, he knew all of me, and I knew all of him. And he loved me completely, and vice versa. Body, mind and soul, we were in tune.
Now that he has sent me away, I am lost, waiting. After you become one with another person, how do you move on?  Like I said in my previous post- my body craves a man, but my head and soul say no.
I know now that I can't sleep with someone just for pleasure, love- complete and total, has to be there.
I know for me, the body is weak... it wants what it wants, and turning me on is as simple as a word or a touch. It's playing with fire.

The trip

Well, that was an exhausting, but wonderful two weeks, and I can't even tell you how glad I am to be home.

Highlights, meeting Matt. Seriously, had such fun with him. I wish I could've stayed longer. I had had another friend ask me to come over on my way through to canton, but it was too late by the time I left. I pretty much wanted to turn around and hang out with him longer, but I didn't. I went on my merry way, which ended up just as well. I spent more time with my brother, which he was evidently craving.
Hanging out with the Schnabels and Aaron on the farm, getting refreshers on their lives. Feeling the love that never changes, despite time and distance. Crazy phenomenon. Such terrific conversations. Dustin put it something like this: there are some people that you meet along the way that are following the same path, despite time and distance, when you get together, souls are ever in harmony, because none of you have lost sight of the magic of God- faithfully walking in the Spirit.
Of course, seeing my family. Hanging out with the girls. There were a couple snafoo's along the way with them, they're not used to having someone around telling them to behave properly.

I put like 5000 miles on my car. Had a weird thing happen, in which the gas gauge didn't register the fact I put gas in, the digital or the regular. Had to drive several miles before it went up to where it was supposed to be. This is a brand new car, it shouldn't have funky kinks.


So I went to Larry's church this morning, and he and I went out to lunch afterwards. We talked about a lot of things, mostly he talked, I get the impression he needed someone to share with. But it always turns into something more after I leave. I don't think he realizes how much I can't, even though my body says otherwise. My head can't, my heart and soul can't. My body craves and isn't picky, but my head and heart and soul are.