searching

Searching for answers. I can read over my blog, read over my paper and pen journals... ever since I was a small child, the search for answers has been huge in my life. God has been prevalent in pretty much everything personal I've ever written. There's always been a search for more, to know more to understand better.  I look at my older brother and wonder- we were brought up exactly the same way- the same requirements, the same belief structure. But even as teens, I realized there was a vast difference between him and I. I was constantly thinking, and he never wondered about things. Never had to understand why. Unless it was a gadget. Then, he wondered how it was made, and whether or not he could put it back together after taking it apart. Something that I never cared about. Don't get me wrong, lincoln logs, legos, those bulb things with batteries- gosh I don't remember what they were called- I loved those too, building things, making things work. But it didn't MATTER.  

I need to matter, I need to be important to the people that are important to me. God is important to me, probably because I know that I am important to Him. Because of His unreasonable breathtaking love for me, I cannot question why I am important, it's just a fact. Because of me being me.

I deactivated my facebook today- just for a few days. I have it set to reactivate in a week, who knows if it'll last that long deactivated. But the reason is, I have been getting hurt, by real or imagined slights- and I don't want to live in that world. I doubt anyone will notice, and it will be a break for me to recenter. To focus on the things that really matter, instead of the people that only know my life because of facebook.  I strive for authenticity on facebook, my joys, my struggles, sharing my life so that those I have moved away from can live in my world for a few moments.
But, I find that when I care too much, things start falling apart, and so I walk away. So, this is me, trying to put down sand bags before my emotional floods grow too high to slow down.