Next week will be the last kids club. (For those of you who are unaware, I run an after-school kids program downtown.) I don’t know how I feel about the end of it. With the exception of one week, I’ve had these kids every Wednesday since September. There are two of them that I don’t think I will ever be able to reach. They’re too old and set in their ways. But they all love me, and I love them. So, part of me is sad that I’m ending this. I just know, as you also know, that I am at a major crossroads, and I feel like the time to stop is now.
The last 2 weeks, other people were there with me. Both of those times, these people were talking about salvation (something I never do) and one of my boys mentioned both these weeks that he was afraid of dying. The response he got to this was lame. These were the two weeks I either had no voice or would start coughing after a few words, so I said nothing to him about it. Today I wanted to ask them what they feared most, but there were other issues going on. Besides, it would be a question better left for a one on one conversation. I was fairly withdrawn myself due to the introspective writing this morning. The time for that conversation was for some reason, not appropriate for today. I don’t know how I will leave them. I want them to know as they get older, even if I don’t do another kids club next year, I will be there for them, if they need me. How do I do that?
Today was an amazing day, by the way. I got up and went downtown to the local coffee shop. I sat outside as the warm wind blew and the sun shone brightly. I sat there and wrote the previous entry, drinking my strawberry smoothie- until the wind blew in the clouds and kept gusting my papers away. It was beautiful. Late in the afternoon with the kids, I took them to the park and sat on the swings while the wind blew. I tell you this: there is not much that makes me happier than the feeling of the wind blowing my hair and swinging. :-) Leaning back on the swings, and letting my hair touch the ground… awesome. :-) That was my day, aren’t you jealous?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Resistance and other thoughts
My thoughts on things.
The first of my thoughts for the day came randomly to me at work as I was observing human behavior, as usual. Something about me- I love realizing what it is that makes people act the way they do. But, anyway, I was realizing the effect criticism has on people. The insight was odd. It was as though I saw the long term effect of the words I wanted to say, but did not. I saw the negativity implanted in the brain of the one I said the words to. I saw them eat away at his unconscious mind, until they’d consumed it. And, eventually instead of seeing her words as cute and endearing, because I had made him think negatively about her- instead she was being obnoxious or retarded. It was almost like an out of body experience. Not that I’ve ever had one before, but the feeling was so strange. I knew what was going to happen.
It actually ties back to a theme I’ve been considering on and off for years. Our words have power. We have the ability to help or hinder people in becoming who they’re supposed to be. We tend to not consider the effect our words have on people.
So I just finished reading this book called “The War of Art”, (not to be confused with the famous “The Art of War”), this book is by Steven Pressfield and in the simplest of terms it can be described as a book whose focus is helping you realize what is preventing you from becoming who you are supposed to be. We all seem to have 2 lives, one is the life we live, and the other is our unlived life, the life we were created to live, but have welshed on because of fear or lack of power against the thing he terms in the book as “Resistance”. Resistance is the enemy within. Almost a tangible energy field, whose aim is to distract and prevent us from doing the work we’re supposed to do.
I can't really share more because I love his words and would hate to paraphrase them. Besides the things that really stuck out to me and apply to my life won't necessarily be the same as the things that would apply to yours and would make you read the book.
Read it. The chapter on Resistance vs Fundamentalism is my favorite. :-)
I've realized lately that I've been growing more and more cynical towards all things traditional christian. A distinct lack of patience. If anyone mentions making disciples, I cringe. If anyone talks about "The Word" as the only way to know the Father. If they say that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and the is no other way... I cringe.
I can't limit God to our perceived version of what christianity is. Why can't God be bigger? Why can't God attribute righteousness to himself no matter what name it is in? I mean even if you go back to the old testament with Abraham, there was no such thing as Jesus at that point, but still he found favor with God according to the story.
If you ask me what this road is I'm headed down, the answer is obscured. I haven't the slightest idea. Am I going off the deep end? Probably. Is this the road I want to go down? Yes and no. Yes, because my soul won't settle for less. No, because I fear the road will be a lonely one, one that not too many can relate to.
I kind of feel like I'm becoming more and more awake to the realities of life. I will not feel guilty about things in the past, because they are what made me today. The only thing I can change is the future. The decisions I make now must harm no one. I will choose to do what is right. I will not fear. I will love. I will BE. Be in the moment, be aware, be ALIVE.
That's all for now.
The first of my thoughts for the day came randomly to me at work as I was observing human behavior, as usual. Something about me- I love realizing what it is that makes people act the way they do. But, anyway, I was realizing the effect criticism has on people. The insight was odd. It was as though I saw the long term effect of the words I wanted to say, but did not. I saw the negativity implanted in the brain of the one I said the words to. I saw them eat away at his unconscious mind, until they’d consumed it. And, eventually instead of seeing her words as cute and endearing, because I had made him think negatively about her- instead she was being obnoxious or retarded. It was almost like an out of body experience. Not that I’ve ever had one before, but the feeling was so strange. I knew what was going to happen.
It actually ties back to a theme I’ve been considering on and off for years. Our words have power. We have the ability to help or hinder people in becoming who they’re supposed to be. We tend to not consider the effect our words have on people.
So I just finished reading this book called “The War of Art”, (not to be confused with the famous “The Art of War”), this book is by Steven Pressfield and in the simplest of terms it can be described as a book whose focus is helping you realize what is preventing you from becoming who you are supposed to be. We all seem to have 2 lives, one is the life we live, and the other is our unlived life, the life we were created to live, but have welshed on because of fear or lack of power against the thing he terms in the book as “Resistance”. Resistance is the enemy within. Almost a tangible energy field, whose aim is to distract and prevent us from doing the work we’re supposed to do.
I can't really share more because I love his words and would hate to paraphrase them. Besides the things that really stuck out to me and apply to my life won't necessarily be the same as the things that would apply to yours and would make you read the book.
Read it. The chapter on Resistance vs Fundamentalism is my favorite. :-)
I've realized lately that I've been growing more and more cynical towards all things traditional christian. A distinct lack of patience. If anyone mentions making disciples, I cringe. If anyone talks about "The Word" as the only way to know the Father. If they say that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and the is no other way... I cringe.
I can't limit God to our perceived version of what christianity is. Why can't God be bigger? Why can't God attribute righteousness to himself no matter what name it is in? I mean even if you go back to the old testament with Abraham, there was no such thing as Jesus at that point, but still he found favor with God according to the story.
If you ask me what this road is I'm headed down, the answer is obscured. I haven't the slightest idea. Am I going off the deep end? Probably. Is this the road I want to go down? Yes and no. Yes, because my soul won't settle for less. No, because I fear the road will be a lonely one, one that not too many can relate to.
I kind of feel like I'm becoming more and more awake to the realities of life. I will not feel guilty about things in the past, because they are what made me today. The only thing I can change is the future. The decisions I make now must harm no one. I will choose to do what is right. I will not fear. I will love. I will BE. Be in the moment, be aware, be ALIVE.
That's all for now.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Question Mark
When I see Life, usually it's dressed as a question mark and trying to haunt me. It thinks I'm scared of question marks, and it might be right.
There are no certainties in my life. Whenever I think there are, they don't end up staying certain. While this can be freeing, it's also paralyzing.
Someone said last night that God knows what he created us to be, our potential. When we don't fulfill said potential, we are in effect saying that His plan wasn't right. We can't or we just won't. I think that's complete BS. You can't look at things as failing. When you intentionally do something wrong, have guilt, that's good. But when you don't intentionally do something wrong, and you find out later that it wasn't the best move to have made. Don't feel guilty!!! The choices we make = the path we're on. Those choices and the circumstances of our life are what define us. No two people have the same path. You can't be "right" because you hit that speed bump before I did and learned from it. Maybe I won't ever hit that speed bump. There are so many factors that play into where a speed bump will fall on our life path. They're just learning methods.
Maybe my path has more trees overshadowing it, and yours has more flowering meadows. But, maybe my trees are what I need in my life and you need the wide open spaces.
Every so often we encounter another human on a path, sometimes it crosses over ours, so for a brief moment we're on equal footing. It's at that point when you decide whether or not your paths have the ability of merging- at least to the extent of walking parallel with eachother. Our best friends their paths run parallel for a time, but sometimes they have to climb a mountain or walk in the sand while we have to cross a river.
Don't feel guilty about the path heretofor. It has made you who you are today. It's the next choice you make that you have control over, do with it whatever seems right.
I have been sick for a solid week now. I'm tired of it. It's a progressive sickness, so it just goes from one symptom to the next to the next. I've had laryngitis pretty bad the last 3 days now. Today it seems to be better. I'm actually excessively thrilled with homeopathic remedies this time around. I started off with my usual base of echinacea and goldenseal to boost my immune system, but whatever virus had stuck me, it was too late for those to do much good. I took ibuprofen for my headache, fever and all around pain. So that was the one traditional drug I took. I developed a sore throat with pain all the way up to my ears, so I started taking poke weed. This cleared it up within 2 days. I thought everything was on its way out when the laryngitis struck, I started taking causticum to see what that would do for it. This was yesterday, today my voice is much better and I'm thinking tomorrow it will be fine. I did enjoy testing out stuff I'd never even heard of before and them working. I do want to take classes on this. It's hard to learn on my own.
We are moving houses soon. My brother is in the process of buying a house about 15 min north of us. I don't really know how it will work. it's just a bizarre house, it has a great outdoors, but the interior... I just don't know. Good thing- not my house. ha. I'm not sure how long I'll live with my brother. It's cheaper, for sure, but- it's not a realistic area to live for what I'm doing and where. So, we'll see.
I must find some food- I'm off.
There are no certainties in my life. Whenever I think there are, they don't end up staying certain. While this can be freeing, it's also paralyzing.
Someone said last night that God knows what he created us to be, our potential. When we don't fulfill said potential, we are in effect saying that His plan wasn't right. We can't or we just won't. I think that's complete BS. You can't look at things as failing. When you intentionally do something wrong, have guilt, that's good. But when you don't intentionally do something wrong, and you find out later that it wasn't the best move to have made. Don't feel guilty!!! The choices we make = the path we're on. Those choices and the circumstances of our life are what define us. No two people have the same path. You can't be "right" because you hit that speed bump before I did and learned from it. Maybe I won't ever hit that speed bump. There are so many factors that play into where a speed bump will fall on our life path. They're just learning methods.
Maybe my path has more trees overshadowing it, and yours has more flowering meadows. But, maybe my trees are what I need in my life and you need the wide open spaces.
Every so often we encounter another human on a path, sometimes it crosses over ours, so for a brief moment we're on equal footing. It's at that point when you decide whether or not your paths have the ability of merging- at least to the extent of walking parallel with eachother. Our best friends their paths run parallel for a time, but sometimes they have to climb a mountain or walk in the sand while we have to cross a river.
Don't feel guilty about the path heretofor. It has made you who you are today. It's the next choice you make that you have control over, do with it whatever seems right.
I have been sick for a solid week now. I'm tired of it. It's a progressive sickness, so it just goes from one symptom to the next to the next. I've had laryngitis pretty bad the last 3 days now. Today it seems to be better. I'm actually excessively thrilled with homeopathic remedies this time around. I started off with my usual base of echinacea and goldenseal to boost my immune system, but whatever virus had stuck me, it was too late for those to do much good. I took ibuprofen for my headache, fever and all around pain. So that was the one traditional drug I took. I developed a sore throat with pain all the way up to my ears, so I started taking poke weed. This cleared it up within 2 days. I thought everything was on its way out when the laryngitis struck, I started taking causticum to see what that would do for it. This was yesterday, today my voice is much better and I'm thinking tomorrow it will be fine. I did enjoy testing out stuff I'd never even heard of before and them working. I do want to take classes on this. It's hard to learn on my own.
We are moving houses soon. My brother is in the process of buying a house about 15 min north of us. I don't really know how it will work. it's just a bizarre house, it has a great outdoors, but the interior... I just don't know. Good thing- not my house. ha. I'm not sure how long I'll live with my brother. It's cheaper, for sure, but- it's not a realistic area to live for what I'm doing and where. So, we'll see.
I must find some food- I'm off.
Friday, April 01, 2011
So much has occurred
It's hard to know where to start.
Cracker Barrel offered me management. I pseudo accepted. There are still things that need to be taken care of before it actually happens. And, to be entirely honest, I'm not 100% in my decision. Once you do the math, I wouldn't actually be making much more, and would be working a whole lot more, with significantly less flexibility. So I don't know that it's the wisest decision I could make.
But, speaking of wise decisions, I actually have made one other one lacking in wisdom lately. I told a boy about a dream I had. He decided it was a sign from God and we were going to get married. I told him no, and continue to do so, but he's convinced it's just me not accepting God's will in my life. I cannot seem to get through to him that he is not what I need, and I am certainly not what he needs. He's very christian, totally sold out, carries his bible with him everywhere. Can't comprehend there is more to God than just the Bible. Totally just wants everyone to get saved.
I'm am not at that point in my walk with God, and never will be again. Our paths crossed, but they're not merging. I'm at a loss for what to do, because before I knew he was going to be like this, I introduced him to my church, and he really likes it. And, it's quite possibly what he needs, but that just means I'll be in constant contact. meh.
I don't know what to do.
On a brighter note. My sister and I rode the train to Memphis, the train was called The City of New Orleans and we were 'walking in Memphis our feet 10 feet off of Beale' haha. And, we saw graceland. So, that was awesome. Top that off, I met a guy. My sister and I called him my bearded man. haha. Didn't catch his name or anything, but I did the ghetto thing when I got home, I posted an ad on craigslist. I know. I'm such a creeper. But, several days later, he responded. Can't believe it. Totally in shock.
Sometimes I can't believe my life. It's so freakin' weird! Who else has this stuff happen to them?!
Cracker Barrel offered me management. I pseudo accepted. There are still things that need to be taken care of before it actually happens. And, to be entirely honest, I'm not 100% in my decision. Once you do the math, I wouldn't actually be making much more, and would be working a whole lot more, with significantly less flexibility. So I don't know that it's the wisest decision I could make.
But, speaking of wise decisions, I actually have made one other one lacking in wisdom lately. I told a boy about a dream I had. He decided it was a sign from God and we were going to get married. I told him no, and continue to do so, but he's convinced it's just me not accepting God's will in my life. I cannot seem to get through to him that he is not what I need, and I am certainly not what he needs. He's very christian, totally sold out, carries his bible with him everywhere. Can't comprehend there is more to God than just the Bible. Totally just wants everyone to get saved.
I'm am not at that point in my walk with God, and never will be again. Our paths crossed, but they're not merging. I'm at a loss for what to do, because before I knew he was going to be like this, I introduced him to my church, and he really likes it. And, it's quite possibly what he needs, but that just means I'll be in constant contact. meh.
I don't know what to do.
On a brighter note. My sister and I rode the train to Memphis, the train was called The City of New Orleans and we were 'walking in Memphis our feet 10 feet off of Beale' haha. And, we saw graceland. So, that was awesome. Top that off, I met a guy. My sister and I called him my bearded man. haha. Didn't catch his name or anything, but I did the ghetto thing when I got home, I posted an ad on craigslist. I know. I'm such a creeper. But, several days later, he responded. Can't believe it. Totally in shock.
Sometimes I can't believe my life. It's so freakin' weird! Who else has this stuff happen to them?!
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