Reality and dreams

As I drifted between waking and sleeping during the early hours of the morning,  I dreamt of Micah.  Recently he posted about having car troubles and then shortly afterwards he posted an ad trying to sell his jeep.  So in the dream I saw him in a store,  and he saw me- he tried to say something,  but couldn't and simply turned and left.   I wanted to say something,  but couldn't,  it wasn't my place.  Then the dream switched to being about the jeep.  He loved that jeep,  it was perfect for him,  and if things went bad on it,  it wasn't complicated to fix.  But here he was getting rid of it, because he was tired of fixing it.   I just wanted him to see that this is a pattern in his life.  He can say that he's getting rid of it for the benefit of someone else in need, but the reality needs to be acknowledged too. And I cried. Because I don't like when reality and dreams are the same.  As I woke myself up all the way and got out of bed I just told myself  'you are not in control'. And that's the truth of the matter. It's not my place to make him think about things differently anymore. It's not actually a big deal that he's getting rid of the jeep, with all the problems it's been having,  I totally understand.  What my heart still doesn't understand is how it could go from "you're perfect" to "I no longer want you in my life".

And so the story goes.

What does God say?

Sometimes I freak out in my mind. You'd never know it talking to me, or looking at me. But inside there is a massive freak out happening.
Today's was spawned by a woman who came into my work. She was my boss' girlfriend when they were in jr high, they're now 40. Both are married.  Anyway, he gave her a hug, hasn't seen her in eons, but what she took from that- was that feelings were still there. She thinks he's just as sexy as ever. But not only that, thinks that God made her come in there today, that this was His design.  Right time, right place.
Wait, what?! They're both married, him happily so, apparently not her.  So, what she's thinking God's plan is, is not based on reality at all.

So, my freak out is spawned, and I'm sure you understand why.  My whole entire life currently is based on doing things that I believe that I have been guided to by the supernatural moving of the hand of God, the weaving of this magical tapestry called my life.  So the freak out ensues.
"You're just as crazy as she is. You're living your whole life based on nothing but magical fantasy. Where is the reality in your own life? Look at the cold hard facts.
You stay in love with someone who doesn't love you anymore.
You work at a job that doesn't pay very much and you work your life away doing nothing.
You live in Louisiana away from all friends and family.
And for what?"But then the calm, rational side of me kicks in to answer these questions.
"Okay, what are you really afraid of? What is literally the worst that could happen?
You love a memory, and don't ever find anyone else who will actually love you.
You don't make enough money to pay the bills.
Family and friends live on without needing you anymore. "
Those are the things I'm really afraid of.  But those are based on lies. Those are based on worst case scenarios.
Thing is, I loved and lost, and that is better than never having had. The pain is a different sort, but just as aching. Will that ever be healed? Unknown. But it's not something I fight for anymore. I don't need to find love, I don't need to experience that. I did. And now it's time to just continue on.
I do make enough money to pay the bills. And if I don't, something will come up. It always does.
My family and friends, do live on without me. But I am not obsolete. I will never be obsolete unless I withdraw myself.
My life based on faith that God is working magically in my life? That everything will come together, that my story has a happy ending?
There is no way this doesn't happen. The magic may not be what I think it will be, but happiness is a choice. Finding magic when things look bleak, loving despite all reasons not to, this is where my happily ever after will be. In the love and magic that I find on a day to day basis.

So many feelings

I think it's about to be my time of the month, because I've having overwhelming feelings for no reason, I'm debating the purpose of my life, I'm questioning everything, and missing people that are not an active part of my life anymore.

There are a lot of times that I stay silent. Times that maybe I should say something. But, I excuse myself saying that I'm not out to change the world, and I can only control myself.  But is that right?  I live in a society now where racism and violence are not condemned by the older generation. How can this be?!
A story- A young black boy comes into the restaurant to use the restroom since the neighboring vet doesn't have a public bathroom. When he was leaving, he locked the bathroom door behind him, and swiped a fortune cookie on the way out.
The vocalized response by someone to this story was "That's when you need to take them and put a bullet between their eyes before they grow up and do anything worse!"
My jaw hit the floor.
Looking at just the minor points first- 1: how do you know he locked the bathroom door behind him on purpose? A: So what if he did, it's not that hard to unlock. B:If it was an accident, still, it's not that hard to unlock. 2: The fortune cookies are free. Anyone can have one, or as many as they want, we didn't pay for them- they were a bonus. So he took a cookie. Who cares?
And finally: HE IS A HUMAN BEING you don't just shoot them when they do something wrong! Oh my GOD.
But, did I say anything? No, I didn't. I let the person that voiced this opinion to walk away while I tried to get my chin off the floor.
Would anything I could've said made a difference? Nope, probably not. Would it have created tension and hostility in my workplace? Yep, definitely.
So, do I have an acceptable excuse for not saying anything? Sure, but on the flip side, I'm enabling horrible behavior and worldview by just letting it slide.

So, what am I doing? What am I doing with this life I have?
I don't function very well with living simply for my own enjoyment. I feel as though I'm wasting time. But, is time ever truly wasted? Each moment brings you to the next, in the grand tapestry where everything connects at the time it's supposed to.
I have no grand ambition, no one thing that I must do before I die. I live simply, ever cognoscente that life is not meant to be lived selfishly. So how am I bettering the world with my life? 
I have no answer to that question.
Every once in a while people will come out of the blue and tell me that I made a difference in their lives, and I'm always confused. I didn't do anything.
Love matters. Love makes a difference. Joy can change the world. Hope can change a life.   

Questions of magic

"Has anything else magical happened?" I get asked.  "No. They don't happen every day!" I reply.
"How do you know it's God?" I get asked. *shrugs* "Well, I guess simply because it's generally not something I agree with or want. But when I do it, the results are staggering, and when I don't, they're devastating."  I mean, that's the black and white version, but it's more of a sliding scale, to be perfectly honest.
If everything I do is based on Love, love for people, and love for myself- with humility- saying no to pride and ego, selfishness and self-consciousness. Magic happens. And the reason why I choose to act out of love instead of pride and selfishness is love for God. I've seen miracles happen that have been none of my doing. Especially when I throw up my hands in defeat because I can't see the next step, and acknowledge that I don't got this. :-P  Which of course, I would never admit publically under normal circumstances, I've got a huge amount of pride to work on.

I don't know the next step. I don't know  my left from my right. I can't see anything ahead of me. I don't know how anything is going to work out. I don't even know if I'll make enough money to pay rent next month. I could easily break out ahead, or I could sink drastically. It's a crap shoot. 
But here's what I do know. God's got me. Whatever happens, happens, and the result may be difficult, but it will turn out in the long run.

And so the story goes.

Easter and life

Today being Easter, I should write an Easter post, but, I don't really care about this holiday. It means different things to different people. For me, it's a day that I don't go to church, but it's a day to know that hope comes out of the darkest night. 
We're closed today, so that means I don't have to work, which is awesome, but on the flip side, it's been a godawfully slow week. I made the least amount of money yet. Luckily there are 5 weeks this month, because I need the next two weeks to make up rent money. gahhhh
I was thinking about going to the beach today, but I decided against it. One of the new regulars is a girl named Allie, I happened to overhear her talking about how she is here by herself and wasn't planning on doing anything today. So, I stuck up conversation with her- she'd just moved here in January, so I invited her to come over and hang out with me. She accepted, so she should be here within the next hour or so for breakfast- I'm making French toast, eggs and sausage. Should be fun.  A new person for me to adopt.
My life is ever guided by the Father's hand.

I was just incredibly sad last night, so I kept distracting myself with my book or tv. There was no reason for the sadness, it was just there. Missing him. Missing my family. And not wanting to think about anything.
One day at a time.

Ordered steps

Dude. My life, I tell ya. It's a series of unfortunate events, and magical moments. It's crazy.
So latest magic: get this, I decided to swing by the kids club, 'cause I was bored, so I might as well invest my time. Turns out no one was there, but they hadn't locked the door, so opening it set off the alarm. Whoops. So I texted Larry who told me to stay there because he was on his way. He gets there and we get to talking- he's telling me all this stuff about his plans for the future. He had his own music production company back in the day, and he wants to start another one again. He's looking for 7 acts to sign at first, no names that he can really help. 
So as I was driving away, I was thinking of Micah. Like I do, and it was a holy shit moment. Micah just got a camera to record high quality video of him and Kris making music, tonight they'll be testing it out. But anyhow, soon there will be a bunch of better quality videos to use as a portfolio. And I can tell Larry to check him out.  :-) :-) :-)  Right when I'm thinking this, on the radio they start talking about "Forgiveness Friday" how Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, which is 490, which is the name and reason for the name of Micah and Kris' endeavor. Holy shit. It was a laughter/cry moment.
So yeah, definitely supposed to tell Larry about Micah. And, I'm going to tell him not to mention me. I don't want this to have anything to do with me.  This could very well be so epic for him.  It makes me so happy.

Well, that went well

I pretty much avoided thinking about it the whole time leading up to the meeting. I figured we'd cross that bridge when we came to it.  So, I basically sat down and said that I knew I could google the answers, but I really just wanted to know what he thought- based on his own experiences. So, we started off with the Eucharist. Got him to explain that in detail. As I thought it over after leaving and doing some reading on my own, I had another massive problem with it- so I messaged him the question. I assume he'll respond, but we'll see.
It's kind of interesting, it just so happens to be the thing that he bases his whole belief system in, because if that's not true then this has all been for nothing.  Poor guy.  I'm so thankful that I hit that wall when I was a teenager, I had to grasp on to what was tangible- the rest would work itself out in the wash.
I asked him if we could be friends, he laughed, hesitated, but said sure. Who knows what that means. But at least it's there. The more I talked to him, the more I knew that I would like to be friends with him. We are very similar in some ways, and different enough to make it interesting.

Anyway.

Questions

This is another one of those times where I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. I don't know how it's going to work out. I don't know what the purpose is. I assume, sometimes, but I don't know legitimately.
So, I'm scheduled to go meet with Fr MacIntyre on Thursday at 2:30. That's great, I look forward to it. But, I'm not 100% sure what I'm supposed to talk to him about. I just know that somehow it's important.  I've made up some talking points, just a few things that I have questions about- that I could easily google to find out the answers. But I want to know his version of the answers, why it's real to him.  But more than that, somehow we're supposed to be friends. But I don't know why or how.
It's so weird. And I just feel uncomfortable. But in the "I know you're uncomfortable, but trust me, because I want you to do this" sort of way.