what a weekend

It was such an incredible weekend. There are no words for it. I was blown away by the love from the people in cripple creek.
I stopped in Cripple Creek after spending a day and a half with Eve and Carolyn on the other side of the mountains. What a magical magical day. I went to see the people at the care center. Tammy lit up when she saw me. I told her I had sent her a post card from Ireland, but it didn't get there. She asked about my trip, she asked about Micah.
I went to church at Rocky Mountain Chapel, and sang with the worship team. Marv says to me, "You're home. Everything can go back to normal now."
Those words floored me.
I was only there in Cripple Creek for like 10 weeks. How does that qualify as "normal"?  They were all so happy to see me. It was awesome.

There was 2 moments of heart attack. I was driving across the mountains from Denver to Glenwood and this Jeep passed me, I glanced over, it looked like Micah's, with the oversized tires, tint and everything. There was a girl in the passenger seat and the driver was bald. My heart stopped.  It took me a few minutes to pass them so I could check who it was. And then I could breathe again. It wasn't him.
The next day I'm at the baby shower and I get a text from Cherry in Cripple Creek. "Micah is here" My heart stopped again.
It turned out that he'd already left, but he had been there a few hours previously. Missed him by a day, though we were both in colorado at the same time. Crazy.
I talked to Donna for hours and hours. Covering everything from Micah, to her life, to louisiana, and salvation. She got really scared that I wasn't saved there for a minute, because I don't live my life in hopes of eternal life. I seriously don't give a shit one way or the other. This was impossible for her  to comprehend. I finally convinced her that we weren't actually talking about two different ways of life, just the focus is different.

Here I am, home in Louisiana again, and it's warm. :) Saw Father McIntyre this afternoon, got to talk to him as a person, so that was good. Finally got the testimony emailed to him, so now I'll let him read it and see my background. Then- I'll go talk to him, and hear what he has to say.  I hope we'll be able to be friends.

the little things

like waking up at 3am to an email from Matt. Dear Matt. He writes the most amazing letters. Well, I take that back, anything he writes is amazing. The man has a gift for words, he paints pictures full of imagination and life. We only talk maybe twice a year, but I can't even tell you how much I love hearing from him.  Strangely enough, I met him on EHarmony like.... I just went to look, it was Dec 20, 2010. I've never even met him in real life. It was just one of those automatic friendships though. He has his own coffee business that he started, and now it's a million dollar baby. I'm so incredibly proud of him. I tried for years to get him to come to the beach, but he never did. We imagine scenarios in which we combine our talents and products- and create salad dressings. Now he's interested in spices... It's so much fun to live in the world of imagination with him, where anything is possible and life is magical.


My life continues as it always has. I'm heading to Colorado for the weekend to go to Eve's baby shower, and then swing down for church in Cripple Creek and see all the people there. I miss them dreadfully, so it'll be good to see them. I was trying to explain to Eve, how that area, how those people hold the memory of home for me. It's no longer home, but it once was, and it's nice to be reminded, though aching at times.

My aunt asked me yesterday if since I bought a bed, that that means adventures are over for me. Never, was my response. But I think she wants me to be continually on the move. She's just started being mobile around the same time as I moved here, and she loves it.  I'm not moving. God said stay, so I'm staying. Will I still travel? Absolutely, but this is now my base, for better or worse. And I do enjoy it here. I like my little house, my routine, my life. Maybe one day I'll be a gypsy again, but not for the foreseeable future.

faithfulness

Now I am perfectly aware that the one I love has no hold over me, and has made it perfectly clear he doesn't want me. Which is why I don't feel that I have been unfaithful to him. Yet, at the same time, there is a part of me that wonders if I have been unfaithful to the promise of God. I don't think so, but, I think it's at the point where I need to recuse myself. If I let it develop any further, the pattern of using could become too much.
My life is a delicate balance, and he filled a spot that was lacking, but if I allow it to continue I will do damage not only to myself but to him. Because then the question will arise, if your heart is occupied, why did you let me...? whatever. And I don't want that. I don't want to damage anyone, and I certainly don't want to do further damage to myself.

So, it's time to step away.

terrible

I'm kind of a terrible person. So you know how I've mentioned that Larry thinks I'm fine. Well, like I went to church there yesterday, and he gave me a huge hug right there in the lobby, and then sat with me during the service. Today, I decided to go over and help at the afterschool kids club- because I had the time and I might as well. So, I hung out with him again. He likes to put his arm around me and walk. I haven't stopped him, because I like feeling wanted. It's terrible. I miss hugs so much in my life that I am using this guy just because he makes me feel small, desirable, and snuggly. haha.  But, I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I don't want to sleep with him, nothing of that sort. I just like hugs. I don't think I realized how significant a part physical touch was for me.
And see the thing is, I'm 99.9% confident that Larry is a player. And I'm playing along simply because it's filling a void.  He hasn't said anything, and neither have I.
As much as I hate to admit it, the one that I love left me gaping. I've stashed the holes full of paper towels, but they're there. Once you've experienced love it's hard to go back to not having it. 
One of my favorite memories was getting breakfast with him, you can't really hold hands and eat, so I'd simply cross my legs around one of his.  There was so much laughter in those days.
How much I love him. How much it pains me to no longer be wanted. And so I've let myself use a user because I can. How terrible is that?!

I cried today

Not for sadness or despair. But with Joy.  Tears even now threaten to fall.
I was looking through old search history of mine on facebook and the one that I love appeared. But he blocked me, this should not show up.   Apparently at some point he unblocked me. I wonder why.
But as I read his facebook timeline, to listen to his songs, to catch up on his life over the missing 6 months, I sobbed. The evidence of God in his life.  I am so proud of him.

And I cried initially because of the faithfulness of God. The torment in the back of my mind "he hates you", the torment of "there is no hope despite the promises of God" all that could be banished with that simple act.  So onward I go. I keep the faith. The night never lasts forever.

Period madness

First day of my time of the month is always the worst.  It's the day I just want to curl up in a ball and not move. It's also a day where I remember the feeling of being loved.
I was laying on my bed at the hotel one night, the one I love had come over to use the shower and eat dinner with me. He came over to me and put his big warm hand on my abdomen and just rubbed it. It was a warm massage,  and simply because he loved me.

just stuff

Father McIntyre came in the my work finally. It's been a long time coming. I've wanted him to come in so that I could talk to him outside of the church setting. I told him I would call the office to set up a meeting time. But the thing is, that's kind of intimidating... I don't necessarily want to talk to him as Father McIntyre. I want to talk to him as Garret. As a person whose opinion I respect whose brain I'm interested in picking. Whose life story I'd be intrigued to learn. *shrugs* I have heard nothing but good things about him. And the few times I have gotten to speak to him were good, and I think we could be friends.  But anyway, I want to talk to him about my life, and get his feedback as well as talk to him about Brennan Manning. I wonder what the catholic church's impression of him now.   But one of the other reasons why I don't want to call and set up an appointment, is because he looks stressed- like he's pulled in a million different directions and everyone wants a piece of him. I'd hate to add to that.

And so life's tides come and go.

new car

I was able to buy a new car. Like a brand new car. 2017 ford focus. 0% apr. Totally breathtaking.  I have no idea how that worked out. Apparently if I had gotten a used car it would've been like 18% apr, due to my credit.
One of the guys on the farm said that he'd fix the head gasket on the old car too, so I'll be able to sell that one for more than just 200 dollars to the junk yard. So that's good. 

When I didn't come to church on Sunday, Larry texted me to make sure I was alright, and then during the course of the conversation was asking when he'd see me again. So I stopped to see him after I bought the car, since he was right down the road from there.  He gave me a hug, and said "I shouldn't be enjoying this this much."   Humm. That's weird.  Hugs are lacking in my life, so I didn't mind it.

I went to Hope Chapel for church on Sunday because the pastor there really helped me out with getting the rental car. He wasn't even preaching though, he had a guest speaker, who decided to come speak over my life, in front of the whole church.  He basically talked about how I'd come through something and it was all going to be forgotten like it had never happened. And on and on. Then he asked if it applied to my life? I had to say no... because there's no trauma in my life that I want to forget. If it applied to Micah- There's nothing about that that I want to forget. Except for the broken heart part. But even that, I'm not broken- just trampled.  And it won't always be so.

I was talking to Erikah about him the other day, which doesn't happen very often because she thinks he 's a douche, just because he hurt me. So- anyway- she knows I don't want anyone else. So she came up with this metaphor:  "Rebekkah, you have always had a steel wall around your heart. Guys would come up and knock and you'd open a tiny little window and peak out and then say no and slam it shut again. Until Micah, with Micah you obliterated the wall when he knocked. The wall was nothing but dust, so much so that there was only a haze- he stood there for a few minutes and then he walked away. You just stood there staring into the haze waiting to see if he reappears. In the mean time, you build another wall behind you, this time it's reinforced, with lazars and spikes- and a moat."

I laughed. I mean, it's kinda really true. Oh well.  Luckily I don't need anyone else, I'm good by myself. I'm better with him, but no sweat. I'm fine. :) And I miss him with every breath- because my oxygen is still gone. Why is it still gone 6 months later?

Death of a car

My car died on Friday while I was in Lafayette, heading to the whole foods over there. Sigh. I think I have a cracked head gasket. Which means it won't be worth it to fix. Which means I need to buy a new car, which means... I need money. A lot of it. Real quick. :-P Gosh. 
I walked to work yesterday- 5.6 miles. Which is fine for the beginning of the day, but I can't imagine doing it at night, it wouldn't be safe. So- I don't know. I could buy a bicycle but, those cost money that I want to be saving for a car. I really don't know what to do. 
I'm supposed to go to Colorado in 20 days.... sigh. I just need all the money I can get right now.  

I rented a car for the next few days just to solve the immediate problem, which is frustrating enough- because of my lack of credit card. But I got one yesterday, because I need to start building back my credit after my bankruptcy. Especially if I have to buy a car for real and make payments again.

Basically I'm just stressed as far as money and transportation goes.

There is one cool thing though, the people I know around here have seriously come out of the woodwork to help. When I got stranded in Lafayette, when I needed a ride to the airport, twice, when I needed a major credit card to rent the card.... It's just been overwhelming.
I have a real problem with asking for help. It's SO hard for me. I'd rather just figure it out myself.

I dreamt again this morning of Micah singing How Great Thou Art, somehow, it made everything better. I miss him.

Lazy days

I finished planting my vegetable garden today. Now everything is planted.... except the rest of my herbs, but I need a bunch more pots for those.  But I'm not too worried about those, if they don't get planted this year, no big whoop.

I asked all the kids if they would pitch in to help send erikah and Justin on their honeymoon for their first anniversary, so that looks like it's going to happen. They all stepped in pledging a good amount of money. I'm so proud of them all. I had to swallow back tears. They're such good kids, and so generous.

I experienced Mardi Gras in Louisiana for the first time. That was bizarre. I really don't understand, but it's a solid week of celebration, kids are out of school, banks are closed... it's so weird.

Besides that, things remain the same. As I started my car last night, the guy on the radio was talking about how God sometimes allows things to fall apart just so that it can be restored to an even better state.
I don't know where my path is leading, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. Yet I follow. Day by day, we'll see what unfolds.