what does it all mean?

So as this year comes to a close, I have the day off of work, so it's a day of reflection for me. I've been dreaming a lot lately of people. I send them messages to tell them that they are thought of. Love should be shared.

I mentioned last time I wrote that there was a guy that likes me. I don't know how I feel about him. I like him sure, I like that he likes me. But, is there more? I don't know. Am I just going along with it because I've been alone for so long? Or am I second guessing myself because I don't know how this is supposed to work?
Is it just because we're still practically strangers that think that other is attractive and their personality and interests mesh with their own?
It's so complicated that it makes me want to give up. But then I think about it, and I know that that is stupid. I want to know how this will develop, I do. It's just the time that it takes to get there is slow going. I have 5 months to decide. Then he leaves.
He's a first mate on a yacht - they got here the beginning of the month and were here 6 months. He's on  a trip to the Bahamas right now for a few days. So another few days for me to think about things. He told me Sunday night that he had lied to me about his age. He's 5 years younger than me. It's a lot. It scares me. Granted, he acts older than his age, but still. If he'd told me straight off the bat how old he was for real, I would have never given him a chance. But now... I have never given any guy a chance before who tried to like me. I always knew straight off we weren't a match. This one, the only problem I have with him is that he's young. And that we still hardly know eachother. Friends is so simple, you mesh without other anxieties in the way. This is so much more complicated.
I do like him.  But is this how it's supposed to be?  Time will tell.


This next year I want to love more easily, I want over think things less, I want to learn new things, I want to try more activities, I want to laugh more. And see my family more because I miss them.

things change and stay the same

So today as I was walking to work I was noticing my shadow. It's always dark when I go to work, so it's just the street lights behind me.  Usually where I walk I get two shadows from the different lights. This morning though, I walked about three feet further to the left and had 3 shadows. I laughed. Then I was thinking more about the joy in my life. I've been telling people to focus on the little things that make them happy and it will create a happy life full of little joyful moments.  I thought about posting something to facebook about my 3 shadows, and the delight it caused. It's so childlike. I don't know anyone that appreciates their shadows anymore. Am I regressing to a childlike state? I don't think so, but maybe. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. Probably not.  I'm pretty sure Jesus says something about being like a little child. The wonder, the joy, the complete faith, the love. There is no complications- it just is.
I don't say much about God anymore, just because it doesn't feel necessary anymore. The talking about it, I mean. I don't think on those terms anymore. God is. All around and through me. He uses me, He directs my path into random coincidences all the time. I have learned to accept that God just is. I cannot be far away from him, I don't have to talk to him, because that is merely for my benefit. He knows my thoughts before I finish thinking them- because he is beyond time. I have learned that everyone needs to experience God in their own ways. What could be infinitely important to someone else, is pointless to me. And that's okay. Do what you've got to do. Everyone is wired differently. 
The thing that has been the most useful to me, is to know that it's nothing I do. It's just BEing in the moment. Fully aware of what is going on around me- that God IS. "I AM" is the best thing He called himself.  It is mindblowing.

Anyway.
So I met a guy who seems to really like me. Crazy. But awesome. So we'll see if this goes anywhere. He's been out of town for a week but gets back tomorrow. I so can't wait!!!!!!

On relationships

It's nice to be wanted. To be looked at with that look in their eyes.
The problem for me is that the ones that look at me like that either shouldn't be looking at me like that, or they have no idea who I am and only want me for one reason.  Neither one is satisfying. It's nice in the moment and then you're like 'shit'. The reality is there. For me it only takes a minute to be aware of what is going on. It has yet to really happen when I also felt the same way, so I'm always having to laugh it off and be careful not to lead them down a road I don't want them on.
Occasionally I'll try Match or eharmony or something like that, because I feel like I need to see what's out there still single. Am I the only one? Why are the good ones all taken? But, actually it's not even that. I wonder sometimes if the songs are all a lie. Does anyone actually love someone that much, or is it just obsession that fades? I mean, my parents still love eachother after 32 years, don't get me wrong- I've seen it in action. But I also know society has bred an entirely different mindset in the people of this generation.

I am fine being single. It's okay. It just makes me wonder why. People ask me all the time why I am. As if there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is, I don't know.
I love easily. I want you to be the best you can be. But I am not going to settle just because I'm lonely. I don't just want a night. I want you to text me because you care. I want a flower just because you know I'll put it in my hair and wear it all day. I want you to go watch the sunrise with me in a tree. I want you to challenge me to love more, to relax control on life, to care more, to clean more, to talk more... to be better.  I will do the same for you.

Maybe he doesn't exist. I don't know. I just know it's been 29 years of solid alone time while those around me are finding their person getting married, having babies. I get to the point where a guy I like is about to ask me out and then he meets his person. It's happened more than a few times. It's great, I'm happy for them, but damn.

I'm done whining. I'm going to go watch the moon rise over the ocean, alone, because I can. :)

And so the summer came and went....

There are so many things that have happened this summer and fall. Highs and lows- but learning what joy is and how to achieve it even when the times are bad. The key I've discovered is in the moments. Find your joy in the little things, the sun rises and sets- the beauty in the leaves of the trees- the way the wind blows across the water. The sounds of silence, the smile of the stranger, the laughter of friends, the cloud that looks like darth vader. When you start seeing the moments of joy in your day, they start adding up... and you realize how much happiness there is around you. When circumstances fail, when people disappoint, when heartbreak happens, the moments of joy are still there, it's just a matter of seeing them. It keeps you from a spiral of despair.
I quit my job at the bagel place in September and took another job at the pier café. Yesterday they offered me management, which I declined. I don't want to be in the restaurant business for the rest of my life and if I get sucked in to managing a full scale restaurant- it will be hard to have a life outside of that. To me- life outside of work is the most important part. My life is not defined by what I do. I do what I do because I enjoy it and it pays the bills. Soon hopefully the job will change again. One of my best friends is starting his own business and I will help him run an adventure sports shop. Kiteboarding lessons- kayaking, standup paddleboarding. It will be so awesome and a perfect change for me.
I've started learning how to kiteboard finally. I have been going to the cable park with the boys and still trying to make that first turn on a kneeboard or waterskies. It's so hard! But it's so much fun. :)

I've gone on a couple dates- epic fails, but dates nonetheless. The one in Miami that I've been crushing on ever since I met him over 2 years ago, we had a moment, but he doesn't want a relationship again right now. He's just out of a long stupid one... maybe in time he'll change his mind, but if not, no worries. I'm not waiting for him.
I turned 29. That was intimidating. even now it's weird to write that. I'm not sure when I got old. But it happened. I was talking to my brother about life and how I've done it backwards from everyone else - ever. When I was a kid I pretty much spent all my time reading- and raising a family and then working my life away and raising a family, and now I'm just playing a lot- and working when I have to. Everyone else plays a lot and works when they have to as a kid. then they work and raise a family and then they just read. hahaha

So, the basic nutshell of it, is I'm happy. :)

the intervening months

My life is an adventure.

Things have fallen into place here in Southern FL. Who knew. God obviously wanted me here.
I've learned all kinds of new things. Gone on all kinds of adventures. I've gone kayaking, wake boarding, fly boarding... I've flown a power kite with the intentions of learning how to kiteboard.  I have my own pie business.
Who knew this was the way my life was going to go?!


A post I wrote today on facebook:

Joy and the Direction of My Life

What do you want out of life? What are you looking for? Who do you hope to become?  These are all questions I am asked fairly frequently.  One that I usually bs my way through. I didn't stop to think about it actually until recently. Or maybe it's just been on the edge of my mind for so long I finally had to come up with a real answer.
Those of you that know me well know this. I live life on my own terms. No one tells me what to think or who to be. If I really want something, I get it. If I want to do something, I do it. Opportunity arises, I take a chance and see where it leads me.
By mid 20's I knew my life was not going the way I wanted it to. So I made a change. I moved to the beach. It was the best thing I have done for myself. I stopped simply going through the motions of life. I started learning new things. I took up kickboxing. Taught myself how to swim. I started learning French, started playing volleyball again. I had someone ask me what drugs I was on. "It's called Joy." I had to tell him. He wasn't smart enough to realize that I was teasing, so he asked if he could have some. I just laughed at him. But seriously.
For me, trying new things, moving to new places, meeting new people- all these things- these are the things that make me happy.
Do I want fame? Nope. Don't care.
Do I want money? Sure, enough to get by, but I can get by on very little.
My ideal vision for my future? I'm not sitting around living the american dream. I don't want a house with a white picket fence that I have to come home to every day. I don't want a career. Doing the same job day after day after day = super boring.
What do I want? I want to travel the world. I can make delicious desserts here and there. I can wait tables anywhere. I can teach people how to paddleboard eventually. Or kiteboard? (once I learn!!) or.. what ever else!!
There are no limits.
I'm not going to sit around and watch life pass me by. I'll be old soon enough. I want to be able to have said that I LIVED, shared laughter, love and peace with all those I come in contact with.
I just see the purpose of life is being filled with joy. Bring joy to the people around you. Create your own happiness. Never settle. And never ever think that you cannot succeed. Because you can.
And those are my thoughts on the matter. <3>