the final goodbye

 It happened as expected. Everything was superficial, there was nothing about me or even caring about me or my feelings. Not even in the 10 minutes of intimate time. In the past he has been so focused on me and my pleasure, and this was not. At all.  A tinder notification popped up while we were eating dinner. He looked over at me to see if I noticed, and pretended I hadn't but my heart dropped. It was the final proof that he didn't care about me at all. So, I tried to breathe but I couldn't anymore. He noticed and freaked out said he was going to leave because the vibe wasn't good anymore. So I left instead. I have a home here, he doesn't. He shut down completely and wouldn't talk, so it was better this way. 

I leave Oregon on Monday, he'll have no idea where I am. Our ways have split completely. 

I am going to go to ohio for a few weeks, and then head to NC after the wedding in the middle of October. Who knows what's next for me. 

dread

 The existential dread of not knowing what is next. How to make my next steps, what my next steps are. Who I want to be next year. And by next year I just mean, my 38th year that begins in October. 

I don't want to be trapped by another bnb. So, I think I'm going to try for a management position somewhere making more that 50,000. Which with inflation is not that much.  Or, I could just try for serving again. I'm getting too old for that though. 

Or, I could really just step in faith for the life coaching thing. And the book thing. And really just hope that takes off. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

H is supposed to be here next week. I'm still not certain that it's actually going to happen. I really do feel like we're on the brink of our final goodbye. I know I've said that before. And, I know that he's been better for the last 6 months, but it's getting to that point where he uses the excuse of work , but the reality of it, is that he's just not that into me. If he was passionate about me, he'd make an effort. He was off for a week last week and didn't talk to me once.  I'm the one he calls when he needs to vent, needs accolades, or just is feeling horny- because he knows I'll answer no matter what time of night it is. 

I need to love on people to feel okay myself, so because he needs it, it's been an exercise in figuring this out. But, the reality of it, I need to feel loved too. I don't think that's asking for too much.