dread

 The existential dread of not knowing what is next. How to make my next steps, what my next steps are. Who I want to be next year. And by next year I just mean, my 38th year that begins in October. 

I don't want to be trapped by another bnb. So, I think I'm going to try for a management position somewhere making more that 50,000. Which with inflation is not that much.  Or, I could just try for serving again. I'm getting too old for that though. 

Or, I could really just step in faith for the life coaching thing. And the book thing. And really just hope that takes off. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

H is supposed to be here next week. I'm still not certain that it's actually going to happen. I really do feel like we're on the brink of our final goodbye. I know I've said that before. And, I know that he's been better for the last 6 months, but it's getting to that point where he uses the excuse of work , but the reality of it, is that he's just not that into me. If he was passionate about me, he'd make an effort. He was off for a week last week and didn't talk to me once.  I'm the one he calls when he needs to vent, needs accolades, or just is feeling horny- because he knows I'll answer no matter what time of night it is. 

I need to love on people to feel okay myself, so because he needs it, it's been an exercise in figuring this out. But, the reality of it, I need to feel loved too. I don't think that's asking for too much.