it's funny

it's funny how sometimes you just can't seem to get words out onto paper.

I want to write. I want to write about my life so that one day I can look back and read, and remember things that I'd forgotten.

I received an email back from the one that used to love me yesterday. I had sent him one, just as an apology and mostly just to remind him of who he is. I hear his new songs, I hear stories of him from those that know him, and I worry. He's in such a bad place and I swear he's getting worse.  The letter I sent asked nothing of him, I didn't actually even know if he'd read it. I just wanted to speak words of affirmation. I just wanted to speak words of life.

His response- his response was one of, "if you ever drive down my road or are anywhere near my property, I will consider that a threat and will use any force necessary."  I had dreams of being killed by him because of it.  He is on the fast train to crazy because he won't step away and see reality.  Why would he say that to me? Because a year and a half ago he tried to break up with me over a text message even though he was 5 minutes away, and I drove over to his house and texted him back and asked him to come outside and talk to me face to face.  He was so mad at me for that. I still don't understand why. You don't end a relationship over a text message. Not one that's been a year in the making and to someone you professed to love 2 weeks prior.

I don't understand why he doesn't choose to do what he knows to be right. He professes that he wants to be like Jesus- but chooses not to. He wrote a song recently crying out to God, 'why am I loveless and childless?" - um. because that's what you chose.  He's got voices in his head that he thinks are God and they're really not. If they were they'd be leading him into a life of Love- not a life lived in misery of selfishness.  I get it that it's hard to make your brain do what you want sometimes, but it's like any muscle- you've got to work it.  If I hibernate and close in on myself when I feel hurt and alone and anti-social- how will I get over it?  I won't. I've got to break the bonds and go out and find something to do that makes the world better- either an experience or an interaction.

It's funny. It made me realize how much "I" don't love him. I don't love him. I love the idea of him, the him who was awesome when things were good and we were best friends and love reigned.  But now, I realize that God loves him so much- and He was using me to show it. But everytime I reach out, I get bitten.

good times and bad

It's like everything is fine, I see friends, I get invited to do things, I go to church, things come together quite magically. But then days that I go not hearing from anyone, when I realize I always make the first move- when I listen to something other than the christian station on the radio because I think I'll be fine- and then I just want to curl up and be done with everything.  It's as though there is a hole just waiting to slide into just on the edge.

My boss took Friday - Monday off again this week so he can spend time with his lady friend in Baton Rouge. He tells me way more than he should, but I'm like his best friend, so he tells me everything. He told me that they finally did it the other day- and made love for 2 hours straight. He told me that he was laying on the couch and she just laid down on top of him and napped for a solid hour- because he was that comfortable to her.  I listen, and am happy for him, but deep inside I'm so jealous. I wish someone loved me. I wish someone wanted me.

But here I sit, alone in my house, struggling to keep up appearances- forcing myself to a happy place. Where faith and hope reign supreme. But deep down, my heart is still broken... I still feel lost.... I still feel like an exile waiting to be called home.

It's 5 oclock on a Saturday night. I could stay in and watch movies and drown my depression with avoidance. I could go watch a friend of mine play at a restaurant- problem- he's married and likes me too much- but I haven't seen him in awhile, so it would be nice of me to go support him.  I could also go to a church service.... 
I don't know. I don't know what will truly help. I don't know how to kick it, except to just brush it under the rug.

I love my life, I love my house, I love how taken care of I am by the Father. It's amazing and I'm so eternally grateful to be able to share the joy and the magic .