It's like everything is fine, I see friends, I get invited to do things, I go to church, things come together quite magically. But then days that I go not hearing from anyone, when I realize I always make the first move- when I listen to something other than the christian station on the radio because I think I'll be fine- and then I just want to curl up and be done with everything. It's as though there is a hole just waiting to slide into just on the edge.
My boss took Friday - Monday off again this week so he can spend time with his lady friend in Baton Rouge. He tells me way more than he should, but I'm like his best friend, so he tells me everything. He told me that they finally did it the other day- and made love for 2 hours straight. He told me that he was laying on the couch and she just laid down on top of him and napped for a solid hour- because he was that comfortable to her. I listen, and am happy for him, but deep inside I'm so jealous. I wish someone loved me. I wish someone wanted me.
But here I sit, alone in my house, struggling to keep up appearances- forcing myself to a happy place. Where faith and hope reign supreme. But deep down, my heart is still broken... I still feel lost.... I still feel like an exile waiting to be called home.
It's 5 oclock on a Saturday night. I could stay in and watch movies and drown my depression with avoidance. I could go watch a friend of mine play at a restaurant- problem- he's married and likes me too much- but I haven't seen him in awhile, so it would be nice of me to go support him. I could also go to a church service....
I don't know. I don't know what will truly help. I don't know how to kick it, except to just brush it under the rug.
I love my life, I love my house, I love how taken care of I am by the Father. It's amazing and I'm so eternally grateful to be able to share the joy and the magic .
No comments:
Post a Comment