It's been wintery here for so long, and my days off have been unfailingly bad weather. I need a beach day. I need sun, warmth and ocean.
H needed a place to stay so he reached out last week, and has been staying with me. We haven't talked. I can see him talking to someone else via text message- so I know he's no longer interested in me. Just needed a safe space to crash. It was awkward at first, sharing a bed with the memories of touching. But, it's better now. He did one off f me the other day. Started with him just massaging my feet, and then more and more until a happy ending was reached for us both. I will always crave him. His touch. His laughter. But it's not mine anymore. That is obvious. He leaves on Thursday for California, and I'm not sure if I will ever see him again.
I think I'm going to try to move when my lease comes up. To a smaller town where I can more easily build community. I thought being here would be good, but it's been more lonesome than I anticipated. Especially with H no longer in my life.
What a year of loss this has been.
Eve is gone.
Christy is gone.
Heath is gone.
The other guys who were marginally interested have disappeared.
Love is obviously not meant for this life and I know I keep fighting for it, but the sooner I grasp it the better off I'll be, I know.
Going home on Friday, and I need it desperately.
