just things

 I don't know.

I had another session with my life coach friend Peiter. That went well. Like, I don't want to spend that much money, but the idea of having someone in my corner, that is just for me. Like I don't owe him any emotional support or anything. 

Heath has been pretty good lately. We have a video date scheduled for tonight, so we'll see if that happens. I really let myself be excited for it. We have such amazing sexual chemistry, but even with that, we talked golf/life for hours last night. Granted none of it was about me. But, it was still good. 

1st

 Do you think that I could ever be first? That I could be the priority?

Where do I stand now?

I know where you stand. You'll never have to wonder. 

Love is the only thing that lasts in this world, and even that has to be tended. But it's impact can last well beyond a lifetime. 

enough

 Because of the inner turmoil I’ve had the last week and a half or so, my mind has been all over the place trying to make sense of everything.  In Lloyd Douglas’ “Invitation to Live” he brought to life the idea that we have a responsibility to the lives around us.  In the “Wrinkle in Time” series, Madeline L’Engle addresses the concept of naming. We bring to power the things that we think/say about other people. People tend to live up or down to how we expect that they will.

We live in a world where society is programmed really, to tear us down. Everything screams at you that you are not enough. You’re not pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, successful enough, good enough, tough enough, brave enough and so on.

We all know that we just have to listen to that voice inside that knows the truth, WE ARE ENOUGH. But, it does get lost in all the noise. We rely then on the voices of our friends and family. People that know and love us. We count on those voices to remind us of who we are.

Don’t be silent. Tell your friends, tell your family. Remind them of the good that they are to you. Remind them of all the ways they are enough, and more than enough. Remind them of the beauty that lies within. Because, we all get lost in the voices that want to tear us down, we all need to hear the truth from those around us. Be that voice. Find the good, and tell each other. It matters. 

h

 So he called. 

He told me to come to him. So I spent $1200, and did. 

It's been the most expensive mistake of my life. 

1st night, awesome. So perfect. He loved on me and let me love him back. It was precisely what my soul needed.  I should have just left in the morning and flown home. But he'd said that he would have a short day. But, he woke up late, and freaked the fuck out. He has to be up again at 5 tomorrow, and it's already after 10. He swears he's going to see me tonight, but I don't even know. I slept for a few hours and woke up with a full on panic attack. I spent so much money that I don't have. 2 weeks worth of work out the window in a day for a booty call across the country. I shouldn't have done it. 

I saw his phone got a tinder match. 

Why do I delude myself? 

I tell myself that he loves me. But I don't believe it. All this time, it's been alive because I love him. Oh, he's fond of me, thinks I'm the best person alive. But he's not in love with me. He won't be obsessed with me. My happiness is not paramount. (Don't get me wrong, in bed he's all about my pleasure.) But real world? He doesn't tell his friends about me. He doesn't want to do anything with me outside the bedroom. This is some fucked up shit and I just let it happen. Because I love him, and I'm obsessed with him. 

I can't. I just can't. 

depression

I feel it stealing away at me. 

There's nothing I'm looking forward to. 

There's only hard steps ahead.

There's no excitement in the day to day, there are hours of nothing. 

I can't function like this. 

I have nothing. And no one. Who reaches out to me if I don't? Tiffany, I guess. But after everything this past week, I've got nothing to say to her even. 

saddness

 I find tears are still very near the surface. I can hold them back, but every little thing brings them to the surface. 

I find I'm missing H more than usual. I just wish there was someone else. I wish there was someone that loved me.  

It's stupid. 

But, I don't think I'll ever understand why this gets to happen for everyone else except for me. 

My facebook memories pulled up Ayyoub today, I met him 11 years ago. My first. How have all of the men than have taken me to bed only loved me to the bare minimum? They have all been on the lookout for someone else, and have found theirs. They're all happily married with kids now. And I remain,  solitary and unloved.  Yep, that's my life.   They're all fond of me, to some degree, but love? Naw. That's too strong a word. 

identity

 If I'm not who I think that I am, who am I? 

I don't know how to even begin to process this. 

I don't know how to quantify even the range of impressions that people have of me let alone how to take stock of it and adjust it fit with who I am in my brain. If I need to adjust who I am in my head with the reality of what other people think of me.... what about the fact that their impressions aren't necessarily reality either. Therefore, what is true?

I feel broken. 

who are you

 Sometimes things just hit you like a ton of bricks. 

I'm always more emotional around the time of my period, as women tend to be, I guess. I saw a post from one of my friends kids, how she's in love and so lucky. I'm happy for her. But because my feels are so close to the surface, I found myself being sad that I don't get a love story.  That I'm basically 40 and it's never happened for me. I don't let it bother me on a usual day, it is what it is. But, sometimes those feels claw their way to the surface. 

I called my sister to tell her about it. She is of the opinion that I have too many walls up and don't let people in. That my relationships tend to be superficial because I'm not one that argues and fights for my rights. She said that I'm difficult to get to know and to talk to because people don't know how to read me, and not knowing what's going on in my head makes them avoid me.  

She said that I portray a magical life, when she knows the truth. I have told the people that I'm close to how difficult it has been. But, what I say on social media is true too. Things can be magical and difficult. 

I found out 3 days after I got to Oregon that my position was only seasonal. I have no idea what my life will be or where I'll be after October. 
My boss at the airport approved my PTO which was scheduled for my last 4 days of work. I placed orders on those days even though I was off because technically I was still employed, and I didn't want to leave them high and dry. Those days were not paid out to me after all, and no one will respond to texts or calls. 
My brother was going to be 45 minutes away from me, but moved 3 days before I arrived, as is now 8 hours away instead. I've met a few nice people, but nothing much has come of it yet. I'm still figuring out my balance here, and what routines will be the most healthy for me.   I am off-kilter, I'm not settled, and I get lonesome not talking to anyone for days sometimes. 

We can think we know who we are, but we are also defined by the people that know us and love us. So if one's perception of oneself does not align with how you are seen, doesn't it mean that how you define yourself is actually a lie you're telling yourself?  Who you are, and who you want to be can be very different things.  So now I have the question swirling in my brain, have I lied to myself as to who I am?