h

 So he called. 

He told me to come to him. So I spent $1200, and did. 

It's been the most expensive mistake of my life. 

1st night, awesome. So perfect. He loved on me and let me love him back. It was precisely what my soul needed.  I should have just left in the morning and flown home. But he'd said that he would have a short day. But, he woke up late, and freaked the fuck out. He has to be up again at 5 tomorrow, and it's already after 10. He swears he's going to see me tonight, but I don't even know. I slept for a few hours and woke up with a full on panic attack. I spent so much money that I don't have. 2 weeks worth of work out the window in a day for a booty call across the country. I shouldn't have done it. 

I saw his phone got a tinder match. 

Why do I delude myself? 

I tell myself that he loves me. But I don't believe it. All this time, it's been alive because I love him. Oh, he's fond of me, thinks I'm the best person alive. But he's not in love with me. He won't be obsessed with me. My happiness is not paramount. (Don't get me wrong, in bed he's all about my pleasure.) But real world? He doesn't tell his friends about me. He doesn't want to do anything with me outside the bedroom. This is some fucked up shit and I just let it happen. Because I love him, and I'm obsessed with him. 

I can't. I just can't.