who are you

 Sometimes things just hit you like a ton of bricks. 

I'm always more emotional around the time of my period, as women tend to be, I guess. I saw a post from one of my friends kids, how she's in love and so lucky. I'm happy for her. But because my feels are so close to the surface, I found myself being sad that I don't get a love story.  That I'm basically 40 and it's never happened for me. I don't let it bother me on a usual day, it is what it is. But, sometimes those feels claw their way to the surface. 

I called my sister to tell her about it. She is of the opinion that I have too many walls up and don't let people in. That my relationships tend to be superficial because I'm not one that argues and fights for my rights. She said that I'm difficult to get to know and to talk to because people don't know how to read me, and not knowing what's going on in my head makes them avoid me.  

She said that I portray a magical life, when she knows the truth. I have told the people that I'm close to how difficult it has been. But, what I say on social media is true too. Things can be magical and difficult. 

I found out 3 days after I got to Oregon that my position was only seasonal. I have no idea what my life will be or where I'll be after October. 
My boss at the airport approved my PTO which was scheduled for my last 4 days of work. I placed orders on those days even though I was off because technically I was still employed, and I didn't want to leave them high and dry. Those days were not paid out to me after all, and no one will respond to texts or calls. 
My brother was going to be 45 minutes away from me, but moved 3 days before I arrived, as is now 8 hours away instead. I've met a few nice people, but nothing much has come of it yet. I'm still figuring out my balance here, and what routines will be the most healthy for me.   I am off-kilter, I'm not settled, and I get lonesome not talking to anyone for days sometimes. 

We can think we know who we are, but we are also defined by the people that know us and love us. So if one's perception of oneself does not align with how you are seen, doesn't it mean that how you define yourself is actually a lie you're telling yourself?  Who you are, and who you want to be can be very different things.  So now I have the question swirling in my brain, have I lied to myself as to who I am?